Romantic Fiction, Reality Shaping and The Work

[Anamarija]

All of this novels are about reciprocity in relationships and I'm just being seen as a giver and I'm not receiving much. I don't know how to inspire people to help me and to care about me more. I need some help with that. Was there some character like me in novels and she made it?

Since this last book is still fresh, I would recommend Aimee even though there are a lot of characters in previous books that could be good examples, too.
I admired her from the beginning because she is very young but intelligent. She was talented enough to know exactly what people need come out of their cocoon. And she did it to everyone, not just Konrad.
The way she showed affection to Konrad from the start was so sweet and beautiful. Who will not fall for that?
But, she wasn't a toy to play with. She knew when is the time to redraw herself. So, I think she was very good in internal and external consideration which I think could be helpful for you.

 

[Anthony]

I lag behind so I'm still reading fantastic The Fallen Angels Series by Mary Jo Putney. I'm a little embarrassed because I've read over 70 novels and I'm not autistic but I'm not really sure I have improved myself. I got recently a feedback that I'm a low-maintenance woman and I don't like that people don't take me seriously, or my emotional needs. Just an example what happened to me earlier this year. I had a flu and I went to doctor. He didn't want to give me a sick leave but he did to my friend who also had a flu. I had to go like that to work and do the shopping. In condition that I was with fever I sat on a bench close to my home and called my son to help me with bags. A construction worker started hitting on me and I thought he wants to help me because he noticed I'm sick. He said something that I don't need to be out on such weather and that I can come to his place bla bla. When I got home and was washing dishes, I recycled the conversation in my head when my fever went down, I realized he was thinking I was homeless and was actually inviting me to move in with him . My doctor told me some years ago I'm a remarkable person and since that he sends me to work when I'm sick. Lots of people told me that I have admirable character but nothing good comes out of it. For me, for my needs, for my care.
All of this novels are about reciprocity in relationships and I'm just being seen as a giver and I'm not receiving much. I don't know how to inspire people to help me and to care about me more. I need some help with that. Was there some character like me in novels and she made it?

Sophia from The Arrangement by Mary Balogh comes to mind, she starts out as being invisible to others and then grows into her own power and learns to assert herself, it's a great novel and very inspiring to see someone break out of a life long personality pattern. On the psychology side, what you've mentioned is most likely a reflection of how you treat yourself. For example, if you are invisible to yourself, not seeing, valuing, or listening to yourself, you might end up feeling invisible to others. This is not to discount that there might be people in your life that are purposefully using you or ignoring you, but if it's a repeating pattern over many relationships that you have with others, then looking at the relationship that you have with yourself is something that's needed, such as learning to give to yourself what you want from others, setting boundaries, prioritizing yourself at times, etc. If you're also caretaking (giving to get something) that's also something to examine. If you want to look into all of that, check out Inner Bonding by Margaret Paul.

 

[Mari]

All of this novels are about reciprocity in relationships and I'm just being seen as a giver and I'm not receiving much. I don't know how to inspire people to help me and to care about me more. I need some help with that. Was there some character like me in novels and she made it?

From the top of my head, try The Obedient Bride from M. Balogh.

 

[Mari]

Last night I finished Her Bridegroom Bought and Paid For by Alice Coldbreath, which I took quite emotionally.
....
So, next on the list is The Unlovely Bride with Lenora Montmayne.

Love to read your reviews, AM!

Btw, I´m pretty sure that after Her Bridegroom.... comes An Inconvenient Vow.
When you´re not sure, check GoodReads; i.e. Brides of Karadok Series by Alice Coldbreath


(Edited:)
Alice Coldbreath Vawdrey Brothers Book 1 Her Baseborn Bridegroom - Vawdrey Brothers Book 1
Alice Coldbreath Vawdrey Brothers Book 2 HIS FORSAKEN BRIDE - Vawdrey Brothers Book 2
Alice Coldbreath Brides of Karadok Book 1 WED BY PROXY- Brides of Karadok Book 1
Alice Coldbreath Vawdrey Brothers Book 3 AN ILL MADE MATCH - Vawdrey Brothers Book 3
Alice Coldbreath Brides of Karadok Book 2 THE UNLOVELY BRIDE -Brides of Karadok Book 2
Alice Coldbreath Brides of Karadok Book 3 THE CONSOLATION PRIZE - Brides of Karadok Book 3
Alice Coldbreath Brides of Karadok Book 4 HER BRIDEGROOM BOUGHT AND PAID FOR - Brides of Karadok Book 4
Alice Coldbreath Brides of Karadok Book 5 AN INCONVENIENT VOW - Brides of Karadok Book 5
Alice Coldbreath Brides of Karadok Book 6 THE FAVOURITE - Brides of Karadok Book 6

I managed to go trough first 2, and now I plan for the next 3 weeks on my vacation to go trough M. Balogh´s Under the Mistletoe (Christmas novels, of course ) and I found that I have No Ordinary Love already in my Kindle, so Christmas will be for Mary, then I´m back to Alice and Wed by Proxy.
Yay!

 

[Anamarija]

I lag behind so I'm still reading fantastic The Fallen Angels Series by Mary Jo Putney. I'm a little embarrassed because I've read over 70 novels and I'm not autistic but I'm not really sure I have improved myself. I got recently a feedback that I'm a low-maintenance woman and I don't like that people don't take me seriously, or my emotional needs. Just an example what happened to me earlier this year. I had a flu and I went to doctor. He didn't want to give me a sick leave but he did to my friend who also had a flu. I had to go like that to work and do the shopping. In condition that I was with fever I sat on a bench close to my home and called my son to help me with bags. A construction worker started hitting on me and I thought he wants to help me because he noticed I'm sick. He said something that I don't need to be out on such weather and that I can come to his place bla bla. When I got home and was washing dishes, I recycled the conversation in my head when my fever went down, I realized he was thinking I was homeless and was actually inviting me to move in with him . My doctor told me some years ago I'm a remarkable person and since that he sends me to work when I'm sick. Lots of people told me that I have admirable character but nothing good comes out of it. For me, for my needs, for my care.
All of this novels are about reciprocity in relationships and I'm just being seen as a giver and I'm not receiving much. I don't know how to inspire people to help me and to care about me more. I need some help with that. Was there some character like me in novels and she made it?

Hey @Martina, I've been thinking about you and what you shared. Maybe you could write what's happening with you, if you like, and when you like, in your own thread.

Having my own thread feels very liberating and helpful, as it provides a safe space to express my inner thoughts. My experience was entirely positive, and I received wonderful, useful advice on the issue.

 

[iamthatis]

I lag behind so I'm still reading fantastic The Fallen Angels Series by Mary Jo Putney. I'm a little embarrassed because I've read over 70 novels and I'm not autistic but I'm not really sure I have improved myself. I got recently a feedback that I'm a low-maintenance woman and I don't like that people don't take me seriously, or my emotional needs. Just an example what happened to me earlier this year. I had a flu and I went to doctor. He didn't want to give me a sick leave but he did to my friend who also had a flu. I had to go like that to work and do the shopping. In condition that I was with fever I sat on a bench close to my home and called my son to help me with bags. A construction worker started hitting on me and I thought he wants to help me because he noticed I'm sick. He said something that I don't need to be out on such weather and that I can come to his place bla bla. When I got home and was washing dishes, I recycled the conversation in my head when my fever went down, I realized he was thinking I was homeless and was actually inviting me to move in with him . My doctor told me some years ago I'm a remarkable person and since that he sends me to work when I'm sick. Lots of people told me that I have admirable character but nothing good comes out of it. For me, for my needs, for my care.
All of this novels are about reciprocity in relationships and I'm just being seen as a giver and I'm not receiving much. I don't know how to inspire people to help me and to care about me more. I need some help with that. Was there some character like me in novels and she made it?

A common theme in many of the novels is that the heroine is in a dire situation and doesn't ask for help until it's almost too late. This is usually because an independence program was installed in the past. Sometimes this is due to a horrible experience that leads to the belief that people just aren't trustworthy. Sometimes it is due to shame, and the shame is compensated for with a desperate need to prove oneself. Sometimes it's for what seems like a good reason - being subject to blackmail is one that I've seen a few times. Whatever the cause, the women can have trouble finding their voice, sharing their difficulties, and asking for help. But when they do take the risk of speaking up, everything changes for the better.

All that said, I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'inspiring' people to help you. It seems it might be too indirect? Do you have much practice in directly asking for help? This in itself can do some good deprogramming. It means admitting we have needs. Needs, terrible needs! So first, we gotta consciously acknowledge what our needs are. My therapist used to ask me this - what are your needs today? My false personality hated that question! Me? Needs?! How dare you insinuate that I'm the type of weak and pitiful person who has needs! Now I see the wisdom in it. So, what are your needs? Then, next question - how will you get those needs met? The answer is often through speaking your needs to others. That can mean asserting your right to sick leave, or telling a construction worker to go away. Or it can mean asking for help from others in a specific way to receive love.

As an example, I remember reading about a woman who was constantly frustrated on her birthday. She wanted to be celebrated, to celebrate her life with her loved ones, but most of the people close to her, including her husband, were nonchalant about birthdays. Every year she didn't truly ask. She had unspoken expectations, and just passively waited for her needs to be sort of telepathically understood and acted on. One year, she went direct. She told all of her friends and family exactly what she wanted - a party with a nice cake, pointy hats, singing and dancing and a good time together, or whatever it was. They all participated, and it was an excellent birthday. It may be more of a parable than a true story, but it stuck with me. It's the 'Ask and ye shall receive' principle.

FWIW.

 

[Anamarija]

@iamthatis, you should write a book.

Every time I read your post, I'm left eager for more.

 

[Martina]

Thank you my dear ladies and dukes. I was fighting last year and a big part of this one with depression, anxiety and rumination. My mind got regressed into a time when I was 10 years old and I was shamed as a school bully.

Spoiler

It was a financially hard time for my family and my mom was treating her anxiety by slapping me almost every day for a tiny mistake I would do, like I wouldn't write one letter perfect and I would get slapped. I slapped my best friend twice in some argument and she told that to a teacher and suddenly nobody wanted to be my friend anymore. Once, I was going alone from school and some big girl waited for me to slap me, probably someone from my class told her to do it as a revenge. My school grades dropped and I became the worst student in a class which gave my mom more fuel to slap me at home. I was sent to beg money in the afternoon in nearby buildings and didn't have time to learn more and I couldn't even focus. Also had to wash my clothes that mom got me from Red Cross because we didn't have money for a new washing mashine. Our water heater was also broken. I got my first anxiety attacks and when we went to my grandparents to get something to eat, I found in his closet, where I used to hide, a pineapple hand grenades, I was holding one in my hand and I wanted to pull that needle out and activate it but I heared voices that someone is approaching and I didn't know what would be the range of the explosion, would I harm somebody else as well which wasn't my intention. I was a big X Files fan at that time and my friend told me last year that we would stay late outside in summer, sitting on a hill between our buildings (she was my friend from kindergarten and stayed a friend with me during that period) waiting for aliens to kidnap us so we can prove that they exist. That was a stupid plan I came up with probably to escape my reality. It wasn't because of poverty but because of being hated and abandoned by almost everyone and seen as a bad person. Parents slapping and beating up kids was considered a normal punishment back then, it wasn't something school would interfere with. Shaming someone in front of the class and all kids looking at you as you are an alien was also a regular procedure. I went to college to be a teacher and I quit immediately, not just because I didn't have money, I could have earn some but I was afraid I would be a horrible teacher and I would cause the kids some harm. I slapped my nephew once when he was a small boy. I was 22 and I got to my hometown to deliver my son and I got my 5 year old nephew to take care of him as well. I got home to get some help with my son so I can study for exams because if I fail the year on new college I lose my college loan which I have to start paying off immediately. My older sister got divorced and left me with her son. He was very disobediant because basically he lost both of his parents and would run away from home and I couldn't chase him around the neighbourhood with a small baby. I failed a year and got into a financial mess. When I finaly graduated and we returned back into our hometown, I was raising my nephew by helping him in school, buying clothes, going to his PTA meetings, giving him part of the money for driving school. I was trying to make amends for reacting like my mom in stressful situation we had back then and I love him of course. I slapped my ex once when he forbid me to translate for SOTT. So this is a history of my phisically abusive behaviour. I tried to be the best friend possible in school and later on in life and a family member and coworker so I don't harm people and I'm not seen as damaged goods. I can't deal with the fact that I'm morally flawed, mean, intimidating, selfish. I don't have a career but in recent years I started to work with kids. I'm not afraid of harming them anymore. But because of the parents, I need to have a clean socal media profiles, just bland stuff also my interaction with people has to be that way, because I never know whom I going to work with in the future. So, I'm not interesting to people. I don't have opportunities to talk about myself, getting to know new people and I got bad at it. I forgot what I like because I just don't think about those things. So when I started to date a guy I liked for some time, I screwed that up and after 3 good weeks he decided to tell me something about his previous relationship and I insulted him and a woman that he was just recently dating and was in love with because I thought he was single all the time and interested in me. Why did I thought that at all since guys are not interested in me. That whole thing came to me as a shock, I felt stupid for thinking someone liked me and I reacted by being very offensive towards a woman I only knew rumors about. I just repeated them with adding some of my personality disorder ideas. I felt really dissapointed in this guy's taste for women which I stated clearly (but he seen something in her that he didn't saw in me), in my behaviour towards the whole situation, the guy started to see me as a red flag, I was suddenly a person that has no empathy for women that have been abused in childhood, probably seen as jealous at some beautiful, impressive woman and everything turned into a nightmare. I was bully again. And heartbroken. And I know that all of this is not a normal behaviour. He decided to give me a chance but he was handling me with gloves. He didn't fell in love with me, who could? So I can't expect someone to treat me better if they don't really like me and I can't be someone I'm not.

The fact that I was seen as this violent creature with mood disorder, which I am, triggered me rather hard because I haven't fixed that bug. I'm sorry for posting this here but I can't have a thread at the moment that I'm a bully, it won't help. I feel regret, but I can't change what I did or make someone like me more. I shouldn't insult people (or fictional characters) at all and have my special opinions.

 

[Jones]

Martina, there's a big difference between someone who lashes out because of stress, mistreatment or illness and someone who bullies because they enjoy causing suffering and having power over people. The difference is conscience, empathy and the ability to feel shame. If you're aware of the behaviour and you're changing it then that's all that can be asked

 

[gottathink]

The fact that I was seen as this violent creature with mood disorder, which I am, triggered me rather hard because I haven't fixed that bug. I'm sorry for posting this here but I can't have a thread at the moment that I'm a bully, it won't help.

Perhaps you can think about it more, I wasn’t physically abused as a child but I was ignored and left to my own devices. The emotional neglect resulted in a mind set that recognises what you wrote. There is only fear itself, have some faith, the FOTCM community genuinely cares for you if you will let us. I’ll give you time to think about it and maybe start a thread. I’d like to share a few things with you.

 

[Breo]

Martina said:
All of this novels are about reciprocity in relationships and I'm just being seen as a giver and I'm not receiving much. I don't know how to inspire people to help me and to care about me more. I need some help with that.

I can relate to growing up in a violent and abusive home. Maybe you can consider that this is courageous of you to have started to network about it. I find it very courageous to open up about it, to write about it and that you directly ask for help. You did it. That´s inspiring! Also - and I don´t know if this is correct or helpful - to write about all this pain, I feel it takes lots of exercising to learn to find the words to express all the fear and raw pain and figure it out through networking. My thoughts also were, maybe it will help that you give yourself time to write some more in a thread of its own to be able to receive.

 

[Anamarija]

There is only fear itself, have some faith, the FOTCM community genuinely cares for you if you will let us. I’ll give you time to think about it and maybe start a thread. I’d like to share a few things with you.

Dear @Martina, I'm glad you shared this with us.

I find it very courageous to open up about it, to write about it and that you directly ask for help. You did it. That´s inspiring!

I agree with others that it would be best to start our own thread, so we can all share our thoughts on your situation or discuss our own experiences, which could potentially be helpful to you as well.

 

[Chu]

I agree with others that it would be best to start our own thread, so we can all share our thoughts on your situation or discuss our own experiences, which could potentially be helpful to you as well.

I'd like to second (or third) this. When reading what you shared, I thought that perhaps your posting habits reflect exactly the issue you brought up. Sometimes you share something that would seem to be a call for help, then you withdraw or say it's over, and it's usually on threads where we cannot dedicate a special space for you, follow up with questions, etc. But you DO matter. So, your own thread may help you share more, AND network in a more productive way.

 

[Mari]

I was thinking about 5 Love Languages, Attachment Styles, the last session, the last Laura´s article and The Tao on Love, and our romance novels, so a bit of musings here.

The Cs already said about Attachments Styles that:

How valid or useful is the Attachment Style system now in use for almost 70 years and seemingly gaining credence rapidly? Is this system more useful when applying the theory that the four styles are not absolute categories, but more like focal points in a spectrum, and individual styles may move within the spectrum depending on their state of mind and current circumstances?

(L) Okay. So, is the system more useful if it is applied as a spectrum?

A: Yes

Q: (L) Is there anything in particular you can say about it?

A: 60 percent is genetic inheritance and only 40 percent is nurture.

Cassiopaean Session Transcripts Search

cassiopaeatranscripts.org

So, on top of attachments, we have also 5 Love Languages (LL); I played with Grok, to give me comparison, and he said:

No, attachment styles and the 5 love languages are not basically describing the same thing—they're distinct concepts that address different aspects of relationships, though they can overlap and influence each other. Attachment styles, rooted in early childhood experiences with caregivers, form the emotional foundation for how people bond, trust, and handle intimacy in adult relationships.

There are four main types: secure (comfortable with closeness and independence), anxious (fearful of abandonment, seeking constant reassurance), avoidant (prioritizing independence, uncomfortable with emotional vulnerability), and disorganized/fearful-avoidant (a mix of anxious and avoidant traits, often stemming from trauma).

These styles shape core patterns like conflict resolution, emotional security, and responses to closeness or separation. In contrast, the 5 love languages—words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch—focus on preferred ways to express and receive affection in relationships.

They're more about communication styles for love, helping partners align on surface-level expressions to avoid misunderstandings, but they don't delve into underlying emotional wiring or childhood influences. While they're not the same, there are connections: attachment styles often influence which love languages someone prefers or how they respond to them.

For example:

• People with secure attachment are typically flexible with all love languages.
• Anxious individuals might crave words of affirmation and quality time for reassurance, and they're more interested in partners who express love through touch, quality time, or gifts.
• Avoidant people may lean toward acts of service (practical over emotional) while avoiding physical touch or verbal affirmations, and they're generally less likely to express affection through any love language or show interest in partners with strong preferences.
• Fearful-avoidant types might fluctuate, sometimes pulling away from physical touch due to trust issues.

Some experts argue attachment styles matter more because they address the "roots" of relational issues (like insecurity or avoidance from past experiences), while love languages are like the "flowers"—helpful for enhancement but ineffective without a stable foundation.

Insecure attachments can create cycles of conflict or disconnection that love languages alone can't fix, but understanding both can lead to better self-awareness, communication, and growth toward healthier dynamics.

But could they also be connected? What if our either upbringing, programs, karmic lessons, and so on, all are jumbled up and fall on our true character and our true I?

My LLs are Acts of Service and Physical Touch (I scored 33 and 32 percent respectively) and I observed that during my cycle, one or the other is more dominant. But is it really so? I´m reminded here of this short video (only about a minute):

So, this comes back to what if one partner has LL i.e. Words of Affirmation and another has i.e. Receiving Gifts; and they have no idea about the concept of LLs, and one keeps buying another a chocolates while another keeps telling the other all the wonderful things - but they don´t hear each other because each expresses their love in a way they want to receive the love and with so diametrically opposite LLs, so there´s a great possibility they are stuck in "unloving" relationship.

Again, what if all of that is simply either learned behaviour or some karmic burden or whatever?
From the book The Tao of Loving, it says (here it is focused more on men but I think it applies to women too; my comments are in italic, i.e. [M: comment]):

Nearly thirty years ago Rene Spitz, Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Colorado Medical School, discovered that more than 30 per cent of the babies at orphanages do not survive their first year of the impersonal, loveless institutional life, regardless of adequate food, materially hygienic surroundings and excellent medical care. And in recent years, the noted Swiss child psychologist Jean Piaget has emphasized the vital importance of loving/touching and communication to the well-being and healthy growth of infants. Such loving/touching and communication are equally vital to adult men and women. And this has only lately been popularized in the West by, among others, Masters and Johnson in their third book, The Pleasure Bond. They feel that human happiness and well-being are almost unattainable without regular loving/touching between adult men and women. This of course is very similar to the Yin-Yang harmony we are talking about in this book except that the ancient Taoists emphasized the importance of the man acquiring the ability to regulate his emission.

This stress laid by the Tao upon ejaculation control is to provide the man and woman with an almost unlimited capacity and opportunity for touching and loving each other. For it is useless to advise an act which most men find difficult - to touch his woman lovingly whenever she is near and at leisure. Almost any man will understand that when he is tired, he usually prefers not to be touched (before he learned the Tao of course [M: or is "ruled" by some non-physical LL or "damaged" by some unsecure attachment, it goes for the women too]) by his woman for two simple reasons: he is afraid he might not be able to satisfy her or he simply wants to go to sleep undisturbed. But when a man has learned how to regulate his emission [M: ... and both the man and the woman are free of their programming, traumas, etc?] he has no such fears and even when he wishes to go to sleep he can enjoy being touched and caressed to sleep. He might even make love a little (when you have learned the Tao, love-making is not strenuous any longer). And nearly any experienced woman will feel deeply that she seldom has enough loving/touching by her man. It is no exaggeration to say that this dissatisfaction drives many women to lesbianism18 and many more women turn their affections to their pet animals, who as a rule will always respond warmly to touching. Frequently women confess that they turn to their own sex because they feel only another woman can understand deeply this need for caressing. This is not always true of course. For by nature a man's need for loving/touching is just as great; the problem is that the overwhelming majority of men have never had an opportunity to learn adequately how to cope with the situation. An interesting example to explain this can be found in a man called Leautaud who is mentioned in this book.

When a man has learned the Tao he will enjoy infinitely more the loving/touching, for the reason that there is a very narrow boundary line between loving/touching and actually making love. But a man may not understand this completely until he has learned the Tao. A Tao of Loving adept not only enjoys much more, but he and his partner benefit from their loving as well.

This would mean that default language all people are born with is Physical touch, only later when all that baggage falls on our true selves, that first need morphs to whatever. Kind of what the G said that other centres are under influence of a sex centre.

In the context of romance novels, there were numerous examples of men and women who implemented various disguises to mask deeper issues and traumas, and that was reflected in their relationship and their love making.

I was kind of convinced that it would be easier if a couple had the same or similar LL, but now I´m questioning if that´s even a thing, or perhaps better way to put it: does it even matter? In the romances, once the couple is free of his/hers traumas, programming, beliefs, etc - it all falls into place and is reflected in their sex life.

I don´t know where exactly I´m going with this all, but I thought you guys might help in untangling it.

 

[iamthatis]

I was thinking about 5 Love Languages, Attachment Styles, the last session, the last Laura´s article and The Tao on Love, and our romance novels, so a bit of musings here.

The Cs already said about Attachments Styles that:


So, on top of attachments, we have also 5 Love Languages (LL); I played with Grok, to give me comparison, and he said:


But could they also be connected? What if our either upbringing, programs, karmic lessons, and so on, all are jumbled up and fall on our true character and our true I?

My LLs are Acts of Service and Physical Touch (I scored 33 and 32 percent respectively) and I observed that during my cycle, one or the other is more dominant. But is it really so? I´m reminded here of this short video (only about a minute):

So, this comes back to what if one partner has LL i.e. Words of Affirmation and another has i.e. Receiving Gifts; and they have no idea about the concept of LLs, and one keeps buying another a chocolates while another keeps telling the other all the wonderful things - but they don´t hear each other because each expresses their love in a way they want to receive the love and with so diametrically opposite LLs, so there´s a great possibility they are stuck in "unloving" relationship.

Again, what if all of that is simply either learned behaviour or some karmic burden or whatever?
From the book The Tao of Loving, it says (here it is focused more on men but I think it applies to women too; my comments are in italic, i.e. [M: comment]):


This would mean that default language all people are born with is Physical touch, only later when all that baggage falls on our true selves, that first need morphs to whatever. Kind of what the G said that other centres are under influence of a sex centre.

In the context of romance novels, there were numerous examples of men and women who implemented various disguises to mask deeper issues and traumas, and that was reflected in their relationship and their love making.

I was kind of convinced that it would be easier if a couple had the same or similar LL, but now I´m questioning if that´s even a thing, or perhaps better way to put it: does it even matter? In the romances, once the couple is free of his/hers traumas, programming, beliefs, etc - it all falls into place and is reflected in their sex life.

I don´t know where exactly I´m going with this all, but I thought you guys might help in untangling it.

It matters insofar as we can start to know ourselves and notice what our love languages are. Deprogramming doesn't mean that we'd lose those, I think - instead, we become conscious of them as needs. In becoming conscious of them, we can also become conscious of asking to have those needs met by a lover. And we can also become conscious of trying to meet another's needs when they ask. It's a practice of giving all to those who ask.

Maybe our love languages would change over time, because some could be based on programming. The same thing applies IMO - noticing how one feels, noticing when the needs change, and learning how to ask to have those changing needs met by a lover, and also learning to meet changing needs.

I think JP's advice applies well in all this - couples should regularly talk about this sort of thing, how the relationship is going, what can I differently, what can you do differently, etc. He says 90 min a week, and it should be scheduled, otherwise it'll be put off for 'more important things'. That's one disadvantange of these romance novels - they're generally focused on the heady beginnings of a relationship, and don't get into on what perhaps matters most in real relationships, which is the long term upkeep of asking for and giving each other love when all the honeymoon phase chemicals have worn off.