A Paleo Diet children's book - an experiment in group creativity

I'd suggest leaving out any mention or depiction of Bambi. Disney has sued schools in the past for infringement and I'm sure they would have no problem going after SOTT. I also think, "YOU KILLED BAMBI" is a bit much. Disney probably kills off their characters (usually the parents) to create a trauma bond with the movie and the child - I think it would be good to go from a different direction where there is a simple explanation about valuing and respecting life, similar to Ailén's ideas here:

Ailén said:
- She can ask why they hardly ever eat veggies, and paleo people can have her think about it: those poor plants cannot run like animals. They are stuck in the ground. So, their defense is to produce toxic substances (lectins) that poison our bodies. But they let animals eat them, because they see that they also need food. And then, we, humans, get the nutrients from both by eating the animals and what was in their bellies.

- Paleo people made yummy dishes using lots of animal products and fat. Nothing was wasted, because they valued life and were thankful for the animal that had sacrificed itself in order to help them survive.

- Animal fat was a better fuel that any sugar could ever be. They were able to run miles and miles, built amazing structures with few tools, etc. They were never sick. There can be an analogy made with cars, there.
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I think this can also be a pretty sensitive subject and one that you don't want to take parents by surprise. If it were me I'd have one or two sentences about it and move onto other stuff.
 
I am returning to drawing our Paleo story after a calendar-full of freelance paying work (yeaaa!) Besides data on the diet itself which is here in the archives, one book that I've found very useful on information has been "The Clan of the Cave Bear" by Jean M. Auel, a popular novel several years ago. It does a good visual story of hunting and gathering by cave people. Useful stuff to an artist. I also looked up Disney info on copyright infringement and although that wall has been breached by loads of artists for several years now, I believe Shane was right in thinking it "too much". I greatly appreciate his insight into that. If it strikes one person as "overkill", no doubt it will be the same impression with moms and dads reading it. I'll try a different approach: valuing and appreciating life and still being hunters. The weekend is coming up and I intend on making some progress on this.
 
Hello, dear friends. I am adding two new spreads. One is the revision of the "Bambi" episode and one is the introduction to the story. I diligently went back and reread everyone's suggestions and incorporated much of it into the set up. There is yet much to do, so I will quietly continue. My education is the archives here about diet and health and I thank everyone who has contributed there and here. The real MEAT of the story is yet to materialize, but it will.

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modified for typo ....Sheeesh!
 
Adding another page. Closer to discussing what's good or bad about modern diets vs Paleo in the next scenes.

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edit:typo
 
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I am not in need of praise but objective criticism of the text in relation to the Paleo Diet to get it right. I'm writing this as I go along, and God knows, I'm not a writer but an illustrator. If anyone has constructive opinions for improvement I would appreciate that.

As an example: "Too much sugar" should probably be ANY sugar. But I don't want to get into complex information from cave mom how the brain needs glucose but not high fructose. Any suggestions?
 
Looking and sounding good :)
NewOrleans said:
As an example: "Too much sugar" should probably be ANY sugar. But I don't want to get into complex information from cave mom how the brain needs glucose but not high fructose. Any suggestions?
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What if paleo parents could tell about another family/tribe they met, who were in the habit of eating honey all day which made them lazy, unable to catch animals and that they had become quarrelsome. Then maybe the other parent could supplement that they hold the ability to see life as it is, is the real sweetness.

If you have time and it's not too much work; an updated assembled pdf (with sheets in right order) would perhaps make for easier overview for people to feedback on.
 
Ah, honey! Good idea, Parallel. Just what I was looking for as a connection to excess fructose. I have a few more pages to assemble before i put them all in proper order. This method of doing what comes to me in contemplation - and even dreams - seems to be working to get me motivated. I did leave out the one about cannibalism being Paleo. LOL

I hope this is not taking up too much bandwidth. If early pages could be deleted and only the new ones be posted it would probably cut down on volume. Mods, please let me know if we should delete some. Thanks.
 
Here's my try at cleaning up the text. IMO it's still clunky.

"The last batch of Time Travelers tried to impress us with their gadgets and their food," said Teela's Mom. "Food from the future is all processed. We saw so much dairy and refined sugars!

"A cheeseburger from the future! Processed chicken nuggets! Soda full of bubbles and sugar!

"This is what makes them Tubby Time Travelers or, as we call them, TTT. Sorry to say, but they look unhealthy and out of shape.

"Teela's Dad had to bury the whole mess in our backyard."

Little Teela laughed till she fell to the ground.
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"We are your ancestors. We are hunters and gatherers. We know that humans need nourishment from animals, not vegetables. These rich fats are what give us energy. When we see fruits, herbs and nuts growing, we eat them too."

"What about sugar?" asked Polly. "Do you have any sugar?"
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The first page looks marvelous!
 
NewOrleans said:
Hello, dear friends. I am adding two new spreads. One is the revision of the "Bambi" episode and one is the introduction to the story. I diligently went back and reread everyone's suggestions and incorporated much of it into the set up. There is yet much to do, so I will quietly continue. My education is the archives here about diet and health and I thank everyone who has contributed there and here. The real MEAT of the story is yet to materialize, but it will.

page-001.jpg
Click to expand...
I think there is a typo between "mammoths" and "He." Is there a space between "mammoths" and the period? Also, I think "The" in "The Stone Age" would not be capitalized. It might be lower-case like when you typed "the Paleolithic Age."

NewOrleans said:
paleo-new-02.jpg


modified for typo ....Sheeesh!
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To me it also looks like if the mama is speaking softly, there would not be exclamation marks after this sentence: "Softly Mama spoke: Be calm little one!!"

Also, do you need quotes between "cat is hungry." "Please join us?" It seems the mom is still speaking so there is no need for them.

NewOrleans said:
Adding another page. Closer to discussing what's good or bad about modern diets vs Paleo in the next scenes.

paleo-0004.jpg


edit:typo
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"None of those refined sugars or dairy or processed products were for us!"

I think this sentence would sound more grammatically correct if it was written, "None of those refined sugars, dairy or processed products were for us!"

Also, the separate paragraphs with the quote confuse me a bit, but I figured out that it was still Teela's mom. Maybe combining the entire quote to one paragraph would work better?

"Little Teela fell on the floor and started laughing when her Mom reached the part about her Dad..." I think that "mom" and "dad" would not be capitalized in this sentence. I think they are only to be capitalized when they are the name, like, "I love you, Mom," as opposed to, "she loves her mom."

NewOrleans said:
And another set of pages.

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Is "Garden" to be capitalized here? Not sure, but don't think so. If it was being named "the Garden of Eden" I would think so, but the way it is written, I think not.

Also, in the second paragraph it sounds like the mom is speaking, but only in the first part of it. Perhaps, "So when it came to...Nothing was wasted" could be in quotes with the mom talking?


NewOrleans said:
paleo-006.jpg


I am not in need of praise but objective criticism of the text in relation to the Paleo Diet to get it right. I'm writing this as I go along, and God knows, I'm not a writer but an illustrator. If anyone has constructive opinions for improvement I would appreciate that.

As an example: "Too much sugar" should probably be ANY sugar. But I don't want to get into complex information from cave mom how the brain needs glucose but not high fructose. Any suggestions?
Click to expand...

"We also add, fish, nuts, herbs, and fruits" seems more accurate than all the "and" words.

"What about sugar. Do you have sugar?" -I think it could be "Polly asked" and then in the response by Mama Paleo it could be "answered Mama Paleo."

Have you considered using italics instead of all caps on some of your words that you have in all caps currently, NewOrleans? Just another thought. I might be wrong about some of this and might have also missed something, just to let you know.

If you want to post the text I can ask my mother to get out her "red marker" and help with it. She proof-read my papers when I was in college and that is how I was able to get A+s. I just know it! Well let me know and hope this helps you out here. Great job so far, by the way!!! You seem very fast with making art and getting a story together, IMO.
 
Sorry, Pashalis. They say "site maintenance issues" temporarily taking place. Will be back up soon I hope. And Thank you Scarlet for the text improvements. That's a big help.
 
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