Another instant 'attack'?

[Renaissance]

I have come to realize that I know next to nothing and all that have I wrote in this thread and all that I have tried to do in regards to 'sex' was ALL useless.

I know you've been focusing on this issue for quite some time. These things that take ages to grok also seem to give quite a lesson in the end - however, I have to wonder if your obession over it is holding you back from learning from it (particularly since you say it 'was ALL useless'). Ironically, the obsession over the right use of sex is probably misusing sexual energy as Gurdjieff defines it.

You've also been on this 'I know next to nothing' kick for a little while too. My advice: get over it.

I can't do anything until I find the 'stable' or permanent will of the true or real self. Looking within, there is only much ambivalence, depression, chaos, and stagnation, and thus no true will.

Yeah, this ambivalence and depression and what not has been pretty apparent in your writing. Perhaps creating or finding some projects to work on would help.

 

[Saman]

You've also been on this 'I know next to nothing' kick for a little while too. My advice: get over it.

Thank you for the advice, but I only know that I know next to nothing intellectually. I need to 'know' it with every fiber of my being before I can "get over it"...
But then again, you may be right since I don't know really...maybe I am already "dead" so to speak, or maybe not. All I know is that I feel like sh*t for quite some time now - so depressed. I am too dependent on other people for my so called happiness, like a deprived child, and I guess this might be the root of my depression - getting in relationships that won't work cause of my parental upbringing, which is what I am learning about from Alice Miller in her book. Then again, the world sure does look like it is going into a bigger and bigger 'flame' everyday, with little hope for the future. There is not much to be happy about in normal life either when you have the mentality that all is gonna up in flames soon anyways. Everything seems like a pointless lie. I try to pretend like all is fine and play my role with my family and friends, but it's getting more and more difficult since I am all alone. No where to go in normal life. What happiness I had in my intimate relationship was a lie. It has caused me more suffering and agony compared to the brief moments of happiness, that are always followed by more agony, but at least at the same time these experiences have shown me how automatic and selfish I am. Everything seems pointless at the moment, and yet it doesn't. That is how I feel. A contradiction of thoughts. Time is running out and I need to read too many books and yet have trouble reading because of how I feel.

There, I've vented a little, or maybe a lot. I'll shut up now and go back to trying to read and whatnot. Take care Shane.