Are other people REALLY looking at you?

[davey72]

davey72, i do look really odd. Old and young people often made and are making sarcastic, biting comments, laugh in some suprised mockery "Oh, my God, see that face?", "Waterhead!", "Gahd that's awful". Interesting that again there are women that find this face attractive. That could as well be, because sort of animal magnetism.

I reminded myself few times of my Arabic-looking colleague in 2004. He had dark complexion, darker skin, worked with us in a Caucasian country of white people, often complained how people mishandled and despised him. I almost couldn't believe him, since he was good looking and had Persian features.

The surprised negative remarks of people slowly began to bounce off however after i understood G.'s and Nicoll's explanation that people are mechanical. After i did some tests with crowds i realized that people are complete machines, automatons. I cannot expect them to behave humane in a crowd, where David McRaney's The Spotlight Effect dominates.

Don't care for most of the time, their remarks became remote have little effect, because i'm concentrating on esoteric readings i always carry, when traveling. The effect of accumulating esoteric knowledge and understanding urges me to try live up to Work expectations and the
The Spotlight Effect is a primitive Predator-mind mechanism, such as people's focus on animal-level satisfactions and how those are woven into their auto-associative scheme of thoughts. I wrote in so many words, because this really bothered me for like 38 years, was hard to get out.

Thanks for the thoughts. This is also along the lines of my own thoughts lately. I think you have gained a lot of factual insight into this.

 

[Laura]

Maybe you really don't see yourself? Maybe you DO look odd and nobody who is your "friend" will tell you?

Honestly, this is the conclusion i have come to. There must be something going on, but i have wasted so much energy, and made myself so self conscious thinking about it that i finally have stopped myself from trying to figure it out. I think the important question may be, why do i care so much, which brings us back to your first post. I just thought i would weigh in, and see what orhers thoughts on this were.

Maybe if you stopped caring and worrying about it, you would stop giving off the energy that attracts it?

 

[Piotrek]

[quote author=Laura]
Maybe if you stopped caring and worrying about it, you would stop giving off the energy that attracts it?
[/quote]
AMEN!

The topic of this thread is VERY important, especially in intimate relationships. By introducing the 'worry', one takes away from one's true nature.
Both my wife and I noticed that if we feel even a bit unsure about ourselves, it is reflected in how we interact with each other.
Once the interaction changes, the "maybe it's me" thoughts start creeping in, which feeds the 'worry' cycle, intensifying the negative feelings.

By not worrying about 'petty' things, we get to enjoy each other, and life in general, a lot more!

Great thread!

P

 

[davey72]

Maybe you really don't see yourself? Maybe you DO look odd and nobody who is your "friend" will tell you?

Honestly, this is the conclusion i have come to. There must be something going on, but i have wasted so much energy, and made myself so self conscious thinking about it that i finally have stopped myself from trying to figure it out. I think the important question may be, why do i care so much, which brings us back to your first post. I just thought i would weigh in, and see what orhers thoughts on this were.

Maybe if you stopped caring and worrying about it, you would stop giving off the energy that attracts it?

I have a feeling that is right on the money. This is actually what i have been trying to do, but then i also want to be aware of the robotic actions of others. I am changing the reason i notice these things in the first place. For some reason it is ingrained in me to be a people pleaser, though. Maybe i need to stop looking at others alltogether for awhile, to get rid of this "energy", then i can sort of start over, and observe people for this new reason. Just to be aware of how the majority of people operate.

 

[EmeraldHope]

Maybe you really don't see yourself? Maybe you DO look odd and nobody who is your "friend" will tell you?

Honestly, this is the conclusion i have come to. There must be something going on, but i have wasted so much energy, and made myself so self conscious thinking about it that i finally have stopped myself from trying to figure it out. I think the important question may be, why do i care so much, which brings us back to your first post. I just thought i would weigh in, and see what orhers thoughts on this were.

Maybe if you stopped caring and worrying about it, you would stop giving off the energy that attracts it?

I have a feeling that is right on the money. This is actually what i have been trying to do, but then i also want to be aware of the robotic actions of others. I am changing the reason i notice these things in the first place. For some reason it is ingrained in me to be a people pleaser, though. Maybe i need to stop looking at others alltogether for awhile, to get rid of this "energy", then i can sort of start over, and observe people for this new reason. Just to be aware of how the majority of people operate.

Have you read the Big 5 books on narcissism yet? Perhaps that would help you to pinpoint what that reason is exactly.

 

[davey72]

Actually, no i haven't. Everytime i mean to, i do a search for the big five books, and can never find anything.
Where can i find "the big 5" lists?

EDIT: http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,14230.0.html

i found it. Simply under books.

 

[mabar]

Maybe if you stopped caring and worrying about it, you would stop giving off the energy that attracts it?

Last month I was reading “Women who run with Wolves" and I found an interesting excercise of the cycle of death/life/death, and it came to my mind that might be help me to let go certain aspects that had “emotionally crippled” me for too long, I hadn’t been able to have the opportunity to post it here... I will do it soon; I made my own death's altar. Last 2 of November, here in Mexico, was the Day of the Dead Adults. So it was the perfect day to do it, I have it for about two weeks and it helped me to ... contemplate me.

One of the aspects is that I do not like to be seen, and I had realized that it came along with not wanting to give my age. When I tried to hide it, I make myself more noticeable. And I am pretty much “up to the $%/(%$” with this situation.

There are more important things that require energy and I had been wasting it.

 

[EmeraldHope]

Actually, no i haven't. Everytime i mean to, i do a search for the big five books, and can never find anything.
Where can i find "the big 5" lists?

EDIT: http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,14230.0.html

i found it. Simply under books.

There ya go!


Davey, I have a friend that I have been friends with for about 15 years now that is recovering from heroin abuse and has been on methodone since I have known her. She cannot remember most of her childhood. I introduced her to narcissism and the information in these books and it has made a world of difference for her. She is actually willing to go to counseling now at this point, and understands the dynamic at play. It has helped with a lot of the guilt issues that she had due to the drug abuse in understanding how and why it happened. She is a a very brave soul, as she was put out in the street a fourteen years old.


Not many people survive that trauma and come back from addiction like that, so staeady as she goes as Laura would say, and be proud of how far you have come.

 

[jhonny]

this is really interesting because it is what happens most of the time, we are very busy in our own ego, it's more this is one of the principles obstacles when trying to observe ourselves, this happens to me: I'm always in good spirits when I met with my family but there are times when I'm worried about something and suddenly start thinking that my family members look at me and realize I'm not smiling and apart from that moment is that they begin to notice, but this is simply because I have attracted their attention and not because they have noticed.
Thanks for sharing Laura.

 

[shellycheval]

When I was in my forties and said something about aging to an older woman friend, she said " Don't worry--middle age women are invisible in our culture--nobody pays attention their looks unless you are dressed weirdly extreme." At first I felt a little sad about this, but then realized--being "invisible" could be a powerful thing. So I started dressing to please myself more, stopped wearing makeup, and cut my hair. I felt so free.

I have never been into clothes as much as many people are and always found it a chore to figure out different outfits to wear to work every day, so I decided to test the invisible theory and wear the same same thing to work two days in a row. I have been doing it at least once a week for the last two or three years ( I haven't paid that much attention!) and no one has ever said one word about it. I have even asked my close colleagues who have offices next to mine if they notice I wore the same clothes yesterday and they have always answered "no." If anyone ever has been aware that I was doing this, no one has ever said so to me.

I think people notice you when you are comfortable in your own skin and have a calm, assertive, peaceful energy about you. know the way some people carry themselves, smile, and meet you with an attentive, aware presence gets my attention.
shellycheval

 

[Cosmos]

Maybe you really don't see yourself? Maybe you DO look odd and nobody who is your "friend" will tell you?

Honestly, this is the conclusion i have come to. There must be something going on, but i have wasted so much energy, and made myself so self conscious thinking about it that i finally have stopped myself from trying to figure it out. I think the important question may be, why do i care so much, which brings us back to your first post. I just thought i would weigh in, and see what orhers thoughts on this were.

Maybe if you stopped caring and worrying about it, you would stop giving off the energy that attracts it?

I have a feeling that is right on the money. This is actually what i have been trying to do, but then i also want to be aware of the robotic actions of others. I am changing the reason i notice these things in the first place. For some reason it is ingrained in me to be a people pleaser, though. Maybe i need to stop looking at others alltogether for awhile, to get rid of this "energy", then i can sort of start over, and observe people for this new reason. Just to be aware of how the majority of people operate.

somehow I think in your case it has alot to do with social anxiety.
I had (and sometimes still have) exactly the same thoughts as you have about being stared at.

what I came to realise is: it is my self centered view that attrackts exactly what my illusion tells me.
in other words I was so in my personal illusions that I interpreted everything as I percieved it through this illusion.
it sounds crazy but social anxiety has alot to do with a narcism.

the thing is that the main problem is not in the outside, the main problem is within you !

 

[Masamune]

Maybe if you stopped caring and worrying about it, you would stop giving off the energy that attracts it?

What I have been noticing about myself is how I feel on the inside is reflected on the outside with what happens to me and how people treat me. If I can be respectful of people and not stare at them or look for their flaws then I notice that others do not do it to me. I have had this same issue feeling extremely self conscious and embarrassed when being around crowds of people. What I have noticed is that I have actually been watching other people and making notes about their flaws in my mind. For example, thinking that some person always comes in late to class and I feel irritated towards that person, or some person dresses a certain way which I don't like, or some person asks certain types of questions in class and I think that they are dumb for it. I have observed that these types of feelings I have towards others make me feel self conscious about these same issues from other people looking towards me.

I think it is my narcissistic wounding and emotional traumas from my past that make me feel insecure about myself in these ways - and then I look at other people to put down to compensate for my insecurities. I think these insecurities and attitudes towards others creates karma where others treat you the same way so that you can see yourself in the world. Or just these insecurities send out a certain type of energy that people pick up on and act out mechanically.

What I have found is healing these types of emotional issues in myself which ends the judgements of others actually creates a safer environment when I am around others. I think its like being externally considerate to others and they will make your life easier as well. Recently I have been reading In An Unspoken Voice and it has helped me a lot to process these past traumas that have keep me stuck in negativity.

 

[davey72]

Maybe you really don't see yourself? Maybe you DO look odd and nobody who is your "friend" will tell you?

Honestly, this is the conclusion i have come to. There must be something going on, but i have wasted so much energy, and made myself so self conscious thinking about it that i finally have stopped myself from trying to figure it out. I think the important question may be, why do i care so much, which brings us back to your first post. I just thought i would weigh in, and see what orhers thoughts on this were.

Maybe if you stopped caring and worrying about it, you would stop giving off the energy that attracts it?

I have a feeling that is right on the money. This is actually what i have been trying to do, but then i also want to be aware of the robotic actions of others. I am changing the reason i notice these things in the first place. For some reason it is ingrained in me to be a people pleaser, though. Maybe i need to stop looking at others alltogether for awhile, to get rid of this "energy", then i can sort of start over, and observe people for this new reason. Just to be aware of how the majority of people operate.

somehow I think in your case it has alot to do with social anxiety.
I had (and sometimes still have) exactly the same thoughts as you have about being stared at.

what I came to realise is: it is my self centered view that attrackts exactly what my illusion tells me.
in other words I was so in my personal illusions that I interpreted everything as I percieved it through this illusion.
it sounds crazy but social anxiety has alot to do with a narcism.

the thing is that the main problem is not in the outside, the main problem is within you !

This doesnt sound crazy to me. As i said, i have thought about this quite a bit lately, and this, and some of the other advice in this post are where i have been going with this. Not that i have concluded anything, but just before i saw this post i thought i would try to not notice peoples reactions for awhile, and see what this does to my anxiety.

 

[Zadius Sky]

Thanks for posting these pieces from the book, Laura. Hopefully, I'd obtain it at some point.

I have never really felt this way when I was a kid in Florida (I was happy then with friends and all) until I moved to North Carolina (age 12) where I was strongly alienated and been made fun of constantly by my peers (mostly about my appearances and my hearing loss) at my school. It was the start of my obvious social anxiety, and my way of lessening this anxiety was to be in a social isolation until adulthood.

Now, I didn't have to worry about how others see me with my hearing loss or appearances, but whenever I meet someone, I often noticed them looking at my hearing aid and I can see their face expression went from smiley "hello" to frowny "worrying" about how to talk to me. To ease their concerns, I would let them know about my need to look at their faces, in order to lip-read, to understand them, and that they don't need to scream or anything like that. Just loud and clear. Since I only have one ear, I have to spend a great deal of energy into an effort to "listen" since the noises and other sounds tend to overwhelm me and I'd have trouble localizing sounds and understanding certain speech (I can't hear soft sounds such as "s," "th", etc.). It's an ongoing process. Since communication runs both ways, sometimes some people didn't want to make an effort just to talk to me once they notice my hearing aid. I can't really blame them.

This is great. I don't have to worry about my hair loss!

Nor should you! Wouldn't it be ridiculous for someone to give you grief for it? It's not like it's something you have any control over. I doubt you would say anything to someone who was losing their hair. Yet we still have separate rules for how we treat ourselves.

Yeah, I have hair loss as well, a bald spot, to which I never had to think about nor was it an issue for me until my stay in Massachusetts where it was pointed out to me constantly - which did made me to feel really insecure at the time. POTS seems to help with these insecure feelings.

 

[Gertrudes]

Or just these insecurities send out a certain type of energy that people pick up on and act out mechanically.

What I have found is healing these types of emotional issues in myself which ends the judgements of others actually creates a safer environment when I am around others. I think its like being externally considerate to others and they will make your life easier as well.

I agree. People seem to pick up on the subtlest of energy, I don't think that we are aware of what we're picking up on most of the time, but whatever that is tends to manifest in our behavior, or so it seems.

As a teacher, I have the opportunity to directly observe how subtle shifts in my facial expression can affect class attendants. If, say, there's a wondering thought or mood prevalent in me on a particular day, said thought/mood will generally manifest in some way and, somehow, be picked up by everyone. It is actually quite amazing in that it can completely change the energy of the class, and this is no overstatement. It makes me ponder, deeply in fact, on just how much responsibility we hold when interacting with others.

On a more extreme example, a friend of mine who was recently pregnant was struggling with her other 4 year old son who seemed to be rejecting his yet to be born brother. He kept trying to kick her belly and became noticeably upset when someone mentioned his new brother. My friend initially thought that his behavior was related to jealousy.
Well, truth is that she had gone through a somewhat traumatic birth with her first son and was, for that reason, dreading her second child's birth. She was holding a lot of stress and fear the extent of which she wasn't, at the time, fully aware of.

Eventually she did a course in hypnobirthing which, in her words, completely melted away the tension. As if by magic, her little boy began to react in a diametrically different way. He suddenly became calm and actually eager to meet his brother. Today the new baby is 8 months old and his older brother loves him, according to my friend he has showed a lot of tenderness in numerous occasions.

I find the above example quite remarkable in suggesting how our inner motivations may, perhaps, be part of this sort of energetic web to which we (normal human beings) are connected, therefore being able to tap into, affect, and be affected by it. A bit like what is discussed in Lynne McTaggart's book The Field.