I don't know where to start, so I'll just share what happened from beginning. I am aware now that bad diet contributed to attacks in sleep I have been having. Also dissociative behaviour, like gaming being my example. Also internal considering like worrying for myself and holding to my false personality. And also the major one being watching the porn which was my habit during the time I experienced most of the attacks. And all those things share one thing in common, and that is feeding the predator, doing what 'it' likes, and this is what's fueling the attacks.
Lately I was struggling with porn habit with success being helped by reading the experiences of others here, and especially keto diet. For past two months I got it under control, or that's what I thought. For a month I was on ketosis, without gaming, without porn. It was lot easier to do what 'it' doesn't like, because 'it' wasn't getting it's fuel. My mind
was clearer, I had more energy and I used it for work and learning. Then the general law slowly creeped in. I noticed I lost couple pounds, and being very tall and slim that was bad thing right. But the bad thing was that I didn't read keto thread and implemented resistance training and bone broth, but nevertheless I decided to reintroduce more carbs in my diet. So I started eating buckwheat again, together with other less evil carbs. I started eating more then 100 grams of carbs and half as much as fat as before. Then came the gaming. First it was one game a day, then two, etc. Before I realized it I was on a downward spiral, still doing work, avoiding reallyevil food(gluten, dairy, bad oils etc.), doing ee altough less regularly, but 'it' was growing stronger by day, until two days ago when the porn urge hit me so hard that it was uncontrollable.
My body was so restless and out of controll and I end up watching porn. Essentially I was giving the power to 'it' and making a choice, altough one that came with high price as you'll see later. That same night, I was doing some pipe breathing and prayer of the soul,then some observation of my inner world and 'my' thoughts, like I do most nights. With help of the knowledge I gained overtime I learned to recognize foreign thoughts when they appear, sometimes they appear with horrible and scary images,
and I became aware of the simple fact that I'm not the one producing them. So then I fend them of, by observing and paying attention when they appear then mentally block them, or stop them if they have taken the flow. I also became aware some time ago of that part inside me, that is producing these thoughts, images, impulses etc, and when I do what 'it' doesn't like, for example stop those foreign impulses and thoughts, there is burning sensation in my stomach, below solar plexus. It may be that this place is place from where 'it' operates in me. I can feel this sensation and it's always connected to foreign thoughts and impulses. Sometimes it's stronger and sometimes weaker.
Also most times when that sensation appears and my eyes are closed, black dot appears on screen of my eyes. There also appear dots of light, and sometimes when I pay attention inwardly both black and light dots appear, often more then one at a time. I don't know what they mean, but it's not subject at hand anyway.
Also, that burning sensation in my stomach I associate with energy drain and the time when I was on keto with clear mind and high energy I could prevent this sensation from happening simply because the 'it' didn't have much power, couse it wasn't fuled. I was talking before that I noticed connection between this sensation and 'it' in myself with reaction in my brother who is sleeping in same room as me, but I didn't quite explained it well, and was defensive of my opinions etc. So that same night after choosing to let 'it' have what it's want(porn), I was paying attention internally and boy was it hard to do stop 'it' and foreign thoughts. I would end up in ridiculous narrative and barely recognize it that it's foreign. I struggled very hard to stop burning sensation, but that part in me that isn't me was much stronger then usually. It required constant attention and vigilance to resist it and mentally block the foreign thoughts. But when I did that and caught the 'it' and observe it as what it is(not me) there was reaction in my brother again.
Not just that night, most of the nights it is the same. When I caught foreign thoughts, my brother sucks air strongly through his nose and mouth, and there is connection with 'it' inside me or so it seems to me at least. And when I'm in vigilant state, paying attention to thoughts and being the observer, my brother very often starts to moan(snivel) in his dream like he is being tortured or traumatized. It's so eerie to hear, almost blood freezing, and he keeps doing it until it causes the burning sensation in my stomach and then stops. I'm telling you, it's freaky.
So where was I. That night 'it' was strong, and I barely keep it controlled, so to speak, and then I fell asleep.Then the paralysis happened first time in a month. I found myself lying on my back in my bed. Eoverything was as in real life, my body my bed, pillows, furniture etc, except the atmosphere which was dark and eerie. I was completely
paralyzed and felt like some force has tied me to my bed in the area of my chest. I tried to resist to move but I couldn't move my hands or any part of my body. Then somehow I freed my hand, and then I began to touch myself in search for what's making me immobilized. I discovered that there is rope tightly squeezed around my chest, it was one of those ropes that is used to tie the boxes. I ripped it appart on my left side and made myself free, then I stood up and everything around me was dark, but from what I could see it looked like I was in my room. Then I felt that rope is still hanging on the other side of my chest and arm, and that it extends far away(coincidently to direction of my brothers bed) and I pulled it out, and immediately I woke up lying in my bed, while in the same time my brother sucked air the same way he does when I pay attention and fend of foreign thoughts when going to sleep almost each night. Don't know what it means, I'm not convinced that my brother is OP like I was before, but just that there is connection between 'it' in me and in his reactions. Heck I could be OP, as far as I know. But nvm that now.
Well, this is how my post would look like if something else didn't happened last night, cause last night I was planing to make a post about this incident where basically I choose to give 'it' my power and watch porn, and how it fed it and made the attack possible, fwiw. But, last nigh while under shower area under my arm was itching and I discovered round hive under my arm, near my biceps. It wouldn't be strange if in the hive there weren't three dark red dots, that looked like puncture marks, making perfect triangle. I don't have camera so I could only take picture with my old mobile phone and can't share it, but the mark is still here.
After shower I went to bed. Did some pipe brathing, pots, observing inwardly, and again my brother did his moaning/sniveling thing, it was almost like he is awake, so I called to him, asking him what is wrong. He stopped, changed position and continued sleeping without being awoken. I asked him today did he hear me when calling him, that he was restless in sleep etc, does he remember anything, and he said nope.
Last night was pretty restless night for me. I was dreaming all sorts of weird dreams, and waking couple times, just to fall asleep again. Then happened the following. I though I awakened, so I tried to get up but I couldn't cause some force was pushing at me. It knocked me down and then lifted me up on the ceiling and then spined me around the corners of the ceiling. I seriously thought I was awake during this experience, cause it was similar to sleep paralysis, especially cause my body and room looked as in waking life. Then I wake up, fell back asleep, and again false awakening and same thing. Something pulls me up on ceiling, and spins me around. Then again more dreams, and in the end of one dream I remember saying in dream somethin like this to some woman: "I will lie to myself, and I will learn." Then the scene from dream changed to a man that I didn't know, but I knew was evil and that we have to gain the information or something else from him, so we used mind trick on him. His mind was influenced with something so that he found himself in a open sea or something like that, and drowning. It was torturous and horrendous experience and it was intended to be like that so he could break in the pressure and give in, but he mustn't realize it's just in his mind and not real. It was like I was watching him drowning on a TV, and I remember thinking, he must not realize it's only in his mind, he is bad guy, and why are always bad guys most likely to realize the deception and not be influenced by this mind trick. When I had that thought something happened that still brings chills to my very bones, and brings tears on my eyes.
I don't know to describe it in a way you could understand it but I'll try. I woke up, and this time it's good chance that I actually woke up for real, except that I was paralyzed and unable to break free of it. Then some presence appeared and it is unimaginable what it felt like, it was like something so dark so powerful and big was present, and it started to pass through me. It was even making eerie sound while it moved.It entered through my feet first and made it's way up while I was lying on my back. I couldn't do anything but wait for it to pass. I remember how I was feeling while it happened. First of all I think that I was dissociated, I didn't feel anger nor grief and I felt so powerless and so weak and at mercy of whatever that thing was passing through my body.It's the feeling of being the food I think. When it reached my genitals I felt some sensation, like my sexual energy was stimulated. Then it reached my upper chest and I felt it passing through my very bones, thick dark mass, that's what it was. I remember feeling in my head before it passed through it, it was fine, but after it passed, yyakk.. How to describe it in few words. Encounter of something powerfull with something weak. Predator with it's prey.
I noticed that during this experience one part of me, well probably 'it' , actually liked and didn't mind what was happening(and that being defiling of my real self essentially).
Only when I woke up and light a cig the anger and grief started to come out, and the tears.I never had this much high strangeness in such a short period of time like last two days, and all because I made one wrong choice.
Just to conclude, I was afraid to network past few weeks, thinking that I don't have anything good to say so I better stay silent, or that it's wrong to bother people with my experiences because, or that it is self important, but mostly it was cause of fear of mirror, that's why I made this post, other then just to share what happened, this is one of the ways I can get back to 'it' for what it put me through, doing what 'it' doesn't like and networking, without expectations and fear of feedback.
Thank you for reading, and really sorry for the lenght.
