It turns out I still have the same old feelings I had years ago, about posting here.. it feels difficult to do. I've been re-reading the '
Boardlurker? Read this!!' thread and finding it really helpful... So many of the things people mention are the same for me.. "I'll do it tomorrow", "I'm not good enough to post" (while at the same time feeling like I'm somehow special).. "I have nothing new to add so I won't say anything.."
I didn't consider myself a fence sitter in the past.. I've been trying to live my life the ways I learnt here, but clearly was not as committed as I used to think (did I even know what commitment really looks like?), especially when it comes to actions rather than just thoughts. I guess I knew it, really. Not having gotten into EE, and not participating here, have been making me feel sort of guilty for years.. the quote in my last post about a subconscious process blocking you because it knows there's an imbalance - I'd not thought of that before. I don't know if I'm an STO candidate or if it applies to me but, it's interesting.. I mean, it is myself blocking myself, nothing else was stopping me from joining in!
Back 11 years ago I didn't have my life in order.. kinda felt like "a bit of a loser" when coming here.. Even things like changing my diet seemed super difficult (turned out to be quite easy for me and make a huge difference).. the idea of spinning, reading prayers/singing to my crystals regularly seemed difficult (it's not)..now EE, same. What is this resistance? Predator's mind?
Anyway now after a decade of work on myself (such as I could) and in the world, mutual work on my relationship with my partner, being responsible, going out of my comfort zone becoming able to do things, growing more confident and accepting, I'm in a way different place. So it's kind of funny to come here and start posting and find all the same old feelings of "argh, so much effort", which I thought I'd somewhat outgrown, arising again :) And posting all this stuff about how I used to be.. going and reading my handful of old posts.. quite weird. (Right now, I'm feeling a bit embarrassed about how much I'm talking about myself but, I guess that's the point of an intro post, and any thoughts anyone has are very welcome..).. Still feel like I don't know what to say, when it comes to posting in most threads. I'll try be patient with myself and just get on with it...