Free will in a relationship

Carlybee

Carlybee

Padawan Learner
I am 3 months into a relationship with a spiritual healer and life/business coach, he recently moved in with me due to nowhere else to live after his lease ran out. He has been abused as a child and his parents gave him up to a childrens home when he was 3. He has not shown much affection to me especially of late, thats ok but the problem is his constant need for free will as he claims his last marriage was suffocating and controlling, so I am wearing the brunt of it. He says he gives me free will to do whatever I want and expects the same in return, which is fine to a point, but of late he has been going out in the mornings and not coming home until late with not an sms or call as to whether or not he will even be home for dinner.

When I call, the phone rarely gets answered or replied to which I find inconsiderate and lacks basic communication in an intimate relationship. I understand free will as a concept and I think its a great thing to have in a relationship as its rarely practiced in most couples, but where are the boundaries?

I am also always the one offering affection first and Im lucky if I get a peck on the lips before he heads out..I feel like a flatmate and a student to his constant spiritual and life advice as to what he has observed I need to address if I want to. He said last night that he is probably going to be the greatest spiritual teacher I have ever had and he is my map and torch to personal and spiritual freedom. He says romance is fake and real love is his constant guidance in my life but I feel like a student and not a partner. Please help and advise.
 
This doesn't sound like free will to me, more like intentional exploitation of your personal space for the sake of convenience. Many manipulative personalities are attracted to the field of personal development coach, as there is no verifiable way of evaluating claims of insight and wisdom. This doesn't sound like a relation that is bilateral and with mutual respect and/or love.
 
Carlybee said:
He said last night that he is probably going to be the greatest spiritual teacher I have ever had and he is my map and torch to personal and spiritual freedom.
Click to expand...

This is not look like STO relationship, decisively. Rather this sound like He wants to dominate you.
 
Hi Carlybee

Seen stuff like you're describing many times in my life, I'm not there to see it but it sounds all too familiar.

'He said last night that he is probably going to be the greatest spiritual teacher I have ever had and he is my map and torch to personal and spiritual freedom.'

That's a red flag to me. The other variations are...

I'm going to be your greatest friend...

I'm going to love you like no other....

Often you'll end up drained, used and with massive bills to pay. Plus these operators can go out of their way to damage your reputation after you call them on their behaviour.

Been there done that.

Good luck with it all
 
:O Good grief Carlybee !!! Have you read anything of the recommended readings on psychology or are you just winging it and 'wishfully' thinking he/you will change?

Hoping for a miracle maybe? :huh:
 
Ummm... most folks that become spiritual teachers and "life coaches" are just psychopaths looking for power. Gee, we talk about this a lot on this forum, were you reading?
 
[quote author=Carlybee]He said last night that he is probably going to be the greatest spiritual teacher I have ever had and he is my map and torch to personal and spiritual freedom.[/quote]

Jumpin' Jeee-hose-ephat!
 
Hi Carlybee,

I agree with the others. This guy is a waving red flag. Hooking you with spiritual phrases and his alleged superiority. If I were you, I'd cut him loose at once.
 
Enaid said:
Hi Carlybee,

I agree with the others. This guy is a waving red flag. Hooking you with spiritual phrases and his alleged superiority. If I were you, I'd cut him loose at once.
Click to expand...

Yeah. Tell him to not let the closing door hit him on the way out.

Heck, if it was me, considering what you described, I'd put all his stuff in boxes on the lawn, change the locks, and warn the police that he might get violent so they can be ready to respond if you need them.
 
Carlybee said:
I am 3 months into a relationship with a spiritual healer and life/business coach, he recently moved in with me due to nowhere else to live after his lease ran out. He has been abused as a child and his parents gave him up to a childrens home when he was 3. He has not shown much affection to me especially of late, thats ok but the problem is his constant need for free will as he claims his last marriage was suffocating and controlling, so I am wearing the brunt of it. He says he gives me free will to do whatever I want and expects the same in return, which is fine to a point, but of late he has been going out in the mornings and not coming home until late with not an sms or call as to whether or not he will even be home for dinner.

When I call, the phone rarely gets answered or replied to which I find inconsiderate and lacks basic communication in an intimate relationship. I understand free will as a concept and I think its a great thing to have in a relationship as its rarely practiced in most couples, but where are the boundaries?

I am also always the one offering affection first and Im lucky if I get a peck on the lips before he heads out..I feel like a flatmate and a student to his constant spiritual and life advice as to what he has observed I need to address if I want to. He said last night that he is probably going to be the greatest spiritual teacher I have ever had and he is my map and torch to personal and spiritual freedom. He says romance is fake and real love is his constant guidance in my life but I feel like a student and not a partner. Please help and advise.
Click to expand...


Carly, he's no different than the last man in your life, and he's used a sob story to hook you.

He's essentially a Grifter: grift (grft) Slang
n.
1. Money made dishonestly, as in a swindle.
2. A swindle or confidence game.
v. grift·ed, grift·ing, grifts
v.intr.
To engage in swindling or cheating.
v.tr.
To obtain by swindling or cheating.

I agree with Laura. Kick him out before he ruins you, change the locks on your doors, and make sure he hasn't gotten into your accounts.
 
He sounds quite like the narcissist type, Carlybee.
Been there, what you told reminds me of my psychopat ex. I'd run away from that relatonship.
 
Breaking his free will would mean you forbid him to go out for example. This is not what you're doing and the reciprocity seem true. So there is no Free will problem here. This is not the problem. The problem is too admit that this is not the kind of relationship you want and that you can exercise Your free will by continuing or halting the relationship.
 
And he probably don't have a sightliest clue what a free will actually is. It sounds good, its popular, people buys it, so he probably thinks: "why not use that, there is some power in those phrase".
 
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