Free will in a relationship

[anart]

Carly, he's no different than the last man in your life, and he's used a sob story to hook you.


I agree with Laura. Kick him out before he ruins you, change the locks on your doors, and make sure he hasn't gotten into your accounts.

Exactly.

 

[theos]

I agree with the others. This guy has bad news written all over him. Dispatch him toute suite.

And if I'm not mistaken...weren't you just recently divorced? May you have jumped into another relationship too fast and moved into cohabitating too fast? Methinks this is the case.

Wishful thinking will get you every time. Concentrate on reading the Big 5 psych books. You'll need them to weather this storm.

 

[Lilou]

Since he leaves early in the morning and does not return until late at night - there is plenty of time for you to pack up his things & change the locks! He is definately using you for a place to live, so best to cut your losses & send him packing before he causes you untold damage.

I wish you the best of luck and hopefully, this fellow will move right along and not look back.

 

[Buddy]

Carlybee, I agree with the other members. If he was even remotely capable of being a spiritual teacher, surely a relationship with one person (you) would be the testimony of his 'abilities', don't you think? At the very least, the quality of y'alls relationship would give him some credibility.

The reality seems to be the opposite and he's not even aware of it. But you are, so you should be his 'spiritual teacher' and help him on his way, OSIT.

I don't see him wanting freewill to go TO...
I see him as wanting free-dom from coming back...

Have courage. For all I know, you might need to tell this story at a later date to help someone else see through him.

 

[Breton]

I sometimes discuss with my brother (who is involved in the Work too) about the basic reasons we keep people in our life, and associate with them.

So I ask you this question, which you don't need to answer to this thread if you don't want to, but try consider it carefully: what are your goals and why is this person in your life? Does he help or hinder your goals?

Of course I am suggesting you think about your goals as related to the Work.

It may be that this question seems elementary and you have been through all this deeply before. However, if it turns out you haven't spent the time with this, I believe it is very crucial in your Work and your development to clearly understand within yourself the exact reasons why you choose to enter intimate relationships.

(But I am no expert in this, I am learning this too),
-Breton

 

[Hildegarda]

And if I'm not mistaken...weren't you just recently divorced? May you have jumped into another relationship too fast and moved into cohabitating too fast? Methinks this is the case.

I was thinking the same thing, Carlybee. The guy is clearly a moocher and a jerk who has not a drop of feeling and care for you.

The fact that you didn't see it before moving in with him, and need multiple people to tell you that in very strong terms after you have been with him for a long time, suggests that may be you are not ready for another relationship yet.

 

[melatonin]

Hi there,

It sounds to me like he wants control. If he was abused he might have un-resolved issues, i know alot about them!
Sounds like he could be trying to control your relationship, but in a way that looks healthy on the outside in my opinion. Like saying he wants freedom, maybe focusing you on the fact that hes offering it to you aswell, like its a good thing.
He could be using you for somewhere to live like other people have said, or maybe hes just a pretty messed up person who has serious boundary issues. Either way, it sounds like alot of hassle. Ive found that you cant help someone like that, they have to help themselves.
All the best, Melatonin.

 

[Avi]

I am 3 months into a relationship with a spiritual healer and life/business coach, he recently moved in with me due to nowhere else to live after his lease ran out. He has been abused as a child and his parents gave him up to a childrens home when he was 3. He has not shown much affection to me especially of late, thats ok but the problem is his constant need for free will as he claims his last marriage was suffocating and controlling, so I am wearing the brunt of it. He says he gives me free will to do whatever I want and expects the same in return, which is fine to a point, but of late he has been going out in the mornings and not coming home until late with not an sms or call as to whether or not he will even be home for dinner.

When I call, the phone rarely gets answered or replied to which I find inconsiderate and lacks basic communication in an intimate relationship. I understand free will as a concept and I think its a great thing to have in a relationship as its rarely practiced in most couples, but where are the boundaries?

I am also always the one offering affection first and Im lucky if I get a peck on the lips before he heads out..I feel like a flatmate and a student to his constant spiritual and life advice as to what he has observed I need to address if I want to. He said last night that he is probably going to be the greatest spiritual teacher I have ever had and he is my map and torch to personal and spiritual freedom. He says romance is fake and real love is his constant guidance in my life but I feel like a student and not a partner. Please help and advise.

I have to agree with the others here Carlybee. By what you write it is clear that he has an exaggerated opinion of himself, is not willing to put forth effort into the relationship with you and is apparently only using you.

I also think taking immediate action is important. No amount of talking about this one is going to change anything, he has shown his true colours and anything he says from this point will be merely attempts to manipulate.

Now to be fair we do not know anything about him except what you have shared here, but at the very least he should be living in his own place by the sound of it. You say he moved in because he had nowhere else to go, not because the two of you were at that point in your relationship.

An unjust imposition, and not much of a spiritual life coach if he cannot even manage his own life, if you ask me. I agree, get him out quick, see how he reacts to that, decide from there whether or not any further interaction should take place. By the sounds of what you've described he will play the poor pity me ploy, and if that doesnt work probably indignant and false anger. Be alert and resolute!

One question as I am sure the feedback here has been unexpected: why do you feel attracted to such a person? It sounds to me like you are selling yourself short.

 

[Mikey]

When I call, the phone rarely gets answered or replied to which I find inconsiderate and lacks basic communication in an intimate relationship.

And this type calls himself "the greatest spiritual healer"? :O

He says he gives me free will to do whatever I want

So that also means you're free to leave. But only his actions will tell if he indeed understands the concept of free will.

 

[zhenqing]

I agree with others here, Carlybee. The way you described you partner made ma shrink inwardly. It seems to me, you are not content with this relationship either. You wouldn't post about it if you were.
Someone mentioned you divorced recently. But jump so quickly in another relationship? Where is time for yourself? You could really use it for essential reading. Especially "Big Five" psychology books. If you had known these, you wouldn't have to ask for advice. And you would stay way from the person you are currently with.



edit: need to correct some grammar.

 

[Carlybee]

Thanks for all your useful comments everyone I really appreciate it. I have suspected traits from the big 5 books but his intoxication of what he says had made me turn a blind eye to it I think and I was inspired by his emotional strength when he told me he has aggressive bowel cancer, which he made me aware of after our first week together which was like a bombshell. He bleeds a lot almost everyday now and has had it for 6 years, and says he created it with his mind and he can also heal himself with his mind, but he eats crap and does no exercise. When I say I fear loosing him, he says even if Im not here in person I am always here but that doesnt make me feel any more comforted lol.

I confronted him last night about the lack of calling and communication and lack of affection, he got very defensive/argumentative and told me he hasn't been feeling loving towards me because he thinks I don't trust him and believe in him! And states he cant be in a relationship that doesn't have trust. I argued that I do trust as I never worry that when he spends time with his ex wife (who is a psychologist that has issues herself) and friends that are mostly female and some are ex's also, but he has decided to focus his meaning of not trusting, on what he does for a living and not the relationship demographic of trust which I have given.

Thanks again for your comments, in a way I am learning more and more about how individuals work, and it helps to share with people outside the box as Im very emotionally addicted to this intoxicating man at present.

 

[Gimpy]

Having hemorrhoids does not mean he has bowel cancer.

I had two grandparents pass away from bowel cancer, and let me tell you, if he had it, he would be far too sick to be out running around chasing other women and being a 'spiritual coach'.


Apologies for the outburst, but good grief! THE NERVE if this guy.


I learned a long time ago that if a man looks movie star good that does not mean he's a decent person. Don't let beauty fool you twice, Carly. You do not deserve it. No one does.

 

[Laura]

Carlebee, have you read "Women Who Love Psychopaths"???

Considering your last relationship and now this one, I think you might benefit from reading that one asap.

 

[skycsil]

I confronted him last night about the lack of calling and communication and lack of affection, he got very defensive/argumentative and told me he hasn't been feeling loving towards me because he thinks I don't trust him and believe in him! And states he cant be in a relationship that doesn't have trust.

Typical. Now he's trying to make you believe that it's all your fault. I'm sorry, Carlybee, but I think that guy's an idiot.

 

[mkrnhr]

Hello Carlybee,
As you saw, the response so far is clear, there were no "yes but maybe". Of course it's you life and your choice to act upon the advices. The main advice is act now for you destiny/life and then you'll have time to analyse the situation later. The word "addict" (Women who love psychopaths talks about this "addiction" in length) you used at last is very revealing, and your first post shows a conflict between this "addiction" and your intuition that senses danger. Hope everything will be okay and that you'll find the strength to act in the right direction at the right moment.

edit: changed a word