Free will in a relationship

[leo]

i need show this to my girlfriend,she say today-morninig that i am psycho emotional vampir,control...this...that...she speak true
i dont want be like this,but she said that she is same vampir on other way(she always talking negativ and got my nerve up),i have red lines on the palms,she-white..etc
pay attention on this? some good checked book..help!!! sorry for posts on this theme because i please help for me...we are all ops 3d :) .......ops mean commitment to yourself ....do not blame

 

[Hildegarda]

I was inspired by his emotional strength when he told me he has aggressive bowel cancer, which he made me aware of after our first week together which was like a bombshell. He bleeds a lot almost everyday now and has had it for 6 years, and says he created it with his mind and he can also heal himself with his mind, but he eats crap and does no exercise. When I say I fear loosing him, he says even if Im not here in person I am always here but that doesnt make me feel any more comforted lol.

Carlybee, this is CLEARLY made up. And yes, psychos DO make this kind of stuff up. It was an emotional hook, and it worked. Truly, it's past the time to disingage.

 

[sid]

Carlybee, you need to get out of this relationship asap. Sometimes, it's better being single then to constantly look for a mate. Perhaps, some amount of self-observation is required on why do you keep attaracting such partners in your life? I just got out of a relationship of 7 years. My current partner asked me what took me so long as I had been suffering for much of those years. My answer was self-reflection and observation and a false hope that it will all work out one day. But it never does and reading all the material and advice presented here opened my eyes. I decided to end the relationship once I had gained enough mental strenth and changed enough to not get involved with such females again.

-Sid

 

[anart]

Thanks for all your useful comments everyone I really appreciate it. I have suspected traits from the big 5 books but his intoxication of what he says had made me turn a blind eye to it I think and I was inspired by his emotional strength when he told me he has aggressive bowel cancer, which he made me aware of after our first week together which was like a bombshell.

I would bet all I own that it's a lie.

He bleeds a lot almost everyday now and has had it for 6 years,

If he were bleeding every day for six years, he'd have passed away by now.

and says he created it with his mind and he can also heal himself with his mind,

You believe this nonsense?

but he eats crap and does no exercise. When I say I fear loosing him, he says even if Im not here in person I am always here

but that doesnt make me feel any more comforted lol.

Why do you fear losing a guy who is using you and lying to you?

I confronted him last night about the lack of calling and communication and lack of affection, he got very defensive/argumentative and told me he hasn't been feeling loving towards me because he thinks I don't trust him and believe in him!

Of course he did - liars ALWAYS accuse you of not believing them. They know they are lying!!!!!

And states he cant be in a relationship that doesn't have trust.

Ohhh puhhleeezzze - he is so accusing you of what he is doing himself. It's straight out of pathology 101.

I argued that I do trust as I never worry that when he spends time with his ex wife (who is a psychologist that has issues herself) and friends that are mostly female and some are ex's also, but he has decided to focus his meaning of not trusting, on what he does for a living and not the relationship demographic of trust which I have given.

You should not be trusting him at all.

Thanks again for your comments, in a way I am learning more and more about how individuals work, and it helps to share with people outside the box as Im very emotionally addicted to this intoxicating man at present.

If you don't see him for what he is very, very soon, you will regret it for a very, very long time.

 

[cubbex]

He said last night that he is probably going to be the greatest spiritual teacher I have ever had and he is my map and torch to personal and spiritual freedom.

This is not look like STO relationship, decisively. Rather this sound like He wants to dominate you.

Could you explain how a STO is?

This will help me in one or other way.

 

[Arne]

STO/STS
Service to Others and Service to Self
http://glossary.cassiopaea.com/glossary.php?id=883

The concepts of service to others (STO) and service to self (STS) are the central cornerstone of the teaching of first Ra and then Cassiopaea. We find these same fundamentals expressed in different terms throughout esoteric culture. The fundamental nature and extreme breadth of these concepts makes them difficult to define since these are in one way or another reflected in all things.

 

[cubbex]

No no, thanks , sorry, not about a STO. I was asking for a STO relationship, not about STO and STS concept believe me I have been thinking about that a lot, it is basic to understand that concept to at least understand a lot of the material. But, again, how a STO "relationship" is?

Relationship was the missing word.

 

[Aidylsun B.]

Hi Carlybee

It doesn’t sound like you’re too happy with the way things are going in your new relationship and probably for good reason. I like the way you recognized that there are problems before you went much further.

I have to ask if this is the kind of relationship you were looking and if you took time to check this guy out before you invited him into your life and into your home? I couldn’t agree more with the advice to read and then read some more. Would you consider having his background checked? That might make for some interesting reading, too. A woman can’t be too careful and this I know for sure. Hum, I wonder if he’s just a space invader. Free will, indeed!

 

[Laura]

Thanks for all your useful comments everyone I really appreciate it. I have suspected traits from the big 5 books but his intoxication of what he says had made me turn a blind eye to it

<snip>

Thanks again for your comments, in a way I am learning more and more about how individuals work, and it helps to share with people outside the box as Im very emotionally addicted to this intoxicating man at present.

Since you are addicted and you don't really want to change anything, I'm wondering why you even brought it up? I suspect that you are drained by him and you need attention here to feel better. You did the same thing while ending your last relationship - got lots of support and then basically disappeared while you partied on and looked for another drama. Sorry, if you want things to really get better, you have to learn to master your chemicals and programs and that means work, probably the hardest work you've ever contemplated.

I suggest that when you are ready to work, you come back, but if you just want to play in the dirt, keep it outside, please.

 

[knowledge_of_self]

No no, thanks , sorry, not about a STO. I was asking for a STO relationship, not about STO and STS concept believe me I have been thinking about that a lot, it is basic to understand that concept to at least understand a lot of the material. But, again, how a STO "relationship" is?

Relationship was the missing word.

Hey cubbex

I don't think anyone could explain what an STO relationship is because we currently live in an STS reality, therefore we are STS by default. So there is no way of knowing what exactly an STO relationship is. But we can take things we know about STO and apply them to our relationships. Ideas such as (from the top of my head) external consideration, patience with one another, and giving when asked. And of course, having an STO relationship also comes down to how you view love. You may want to read this thread on the topic of love, as it is very interesting (especially the original post).

Carlybee, I also suggest you read the above thread and try and see if any of it applies to the relationship you're currently in. I personally agree with the advice given here, the guy seems like a narcissistic ego maniac as far as I can tell.

 

[cubbex]

No no, thanks , sorry, not about a STO. I was asking for a STO relationship, not about STO and STS concept believe me I have been thinking about that a lot, it is basic to understand that concept to at least understand a lot of the material. But, again, how a STO "relationship" is?

Relationship was the missing word.

Hey cubbex

I don't think anyone could explain what an STO relationship is because we currently live in an STS reality, therefore we are STS by default. So there is no way of knowing what exactly an STO relationship is. But we can take things we know about STO and apply them to our relationships. Ideas such as (from the top of my head) external consideration, patience with one another, and giving when asked. And of course, having an STO relationship also comes down to how you view love. You may want to read this thread on the topic of love, as it is very interesting (especially the original post).

Carlybee, I also suggest you read the above thread and try and see if any of it applies to the relationship you're currently in. I personally agree with the advice given here, the guy seems like a narcissistic ego maniac as far as I can tell.

So, why that guy said that it didn't look as a STO relationship?
Jjeje, I have no real problem with the love concept, I was just curious and wanted to know the thoughts from the guy of that post about what a STO relationship is.
But now I have yours, thanks.

I think that, if someone need help to understand things like this, maybe it would be good to read the "polar beings" thread, there are lot of comments, and some from Laura that makes you think if those real relationships exist for everyone, because "there is no free lunch" as Laura says you should pay what it cost that happines. So maybe if the love relationships exist in the human minds because the chemical reaction between to beings, there is just an illusion. And if you can love someone because of its internal or spiritual characteristics there is no need for a romantic relationship, because if there is no need to physical touch, you can be as intimate with that person as you can be with those whom you have confidence.
And yes, I know what love is, love is knowledge and light.

 

[Carlybee]

Thanks for all your useful comments everyone I really appreciate it. I have suspected traits from the big 5 books but his intoxication of what he says had made me turn a blind eye to it

<snip>

Thanks again for your comments, in a way I am learning more and more about how individuals work, and it helps to share with people outside the box as Im very emotionally addicted to this intoxicating man at present.

Since you are addicted and you don't really want to change anything, I'm wondering why you even brought it up? I suspect that you are drained by him and you need attention here to feel better. You did the same thing while ending your last relationship - got lots of support and then basically disappeared while you partied on and looked for another drama. Sorry, if you want things to really get better, you have to learn to master your chemicals and programs and that means work, probably the hardest work you've ever contemplated.

I suggest that when you are ready to work, you come back, but if you just want to play in the dirt, keep it outside, please.

You're right, I put up with it because I stopped doing the work and fell off the wagon and as a result was not prepared for a manipulative type like this. Now I feel stuck as I haven't mastered my emotions enough yet to cut ties. I did try to do this a month ago but the emotional anguish was too intense and I caved. I know there's no quick fix and I've definately learned a valuable and painful lesson here. I will go get stuck into the work on mastering myself, I'm just not sure whether to end it first then try to focus on the work in a cloud of emotional pain, or distance myself and do the work until I feel I have mastered my emotions enough to have some tools to help myself heal, learn and grow.

 

[Laura]

You're right, I put up with it because I stopped doing the work and fell off the wagon and as a result was not prepared for a manipulative type like this. Now I feel stuck as I haven't mastered my emotions enough yet to cut ties. I did try to do this a month ago but the emotional anguish was too intense and I caved. I know there's no quick fix and I've definately learned a valuable and painful lesson here. I will go get stuck into the work on mastering myself, I'm just not sure whether to end it first then try to focus on the work in a cloud of emotional pain, or distance myself and do the work until I feel I have mastered my emotions enough to have some tools to help myself heal, learn and grow.

If you have read "Women Who Love Psychopaths" and "How to Spot a Dangerous Man," you will remember that Sandra Brown refers to this type of situation as a "relationship of inevitable harm." That harm can be on any and all levels.

It's one thing to Work in a relationship that CAN be normal if external considering is applied, quite another thing to try to Work in a relationship of inevitable harm - a pathological duet.

Do I remember that you have a child? If I'm not wrong in my memory, I would like to ask what effect can this sort of dynamic be having on that child?

You say you haven't mastered your emotions enough to cut ties and then say you are not sure whether to end it first and then try to work on yourself in a "cloud of emotional pain." Dear, in case you haven't figured it out, being able to do what is right, because it is right, no matter how much pain you may feel IS THE WORK. This is HOW you "master your emotions." You seem to want your cake and eat it too! "Oh, wait until I'm really tired of this and hate him enough to toss him out..." it won't be work then, it will just be what you went through before and you will have learned nothing and developed no particular abilities of mastery. You want "tools" to help yourself "heal and learn and grow." Ummm... you either do it or you don't. There are no shortcuts, there is no easy way.

Certain addictive brain chemicals are being produced in your body as a result of prior programming/conditioning and lack of emotional training. These chemicals are running your show, not you. It's like you are living in a house you own, but a gang of 3 year-old thieves and vandals have moved in and taken over and keep you locked in a closet. You think that if you just stay still that they will get bored and go away. Well, maybe they will. But the thing is, they are only three years old and you can, at any time, open the door and round them up and get them out. Oh, sure, they are cute as buttons, rosy cheeked and curly blond hair, and you just feel that you aren't able to send them out in the cold and rain because it would make you feel like such a b*tch and you might be thought not nice by some stranger looking on. But don't be fooled, they are little demons and they will destroy everything in your house, steal all your money, and leave only when you are left with nothing.

That's the nature of most of our programs. And you are letting them run your life.

 

[Finduilas495]

Hi Carlybee,

I've been in a very similar situation once and can only reiterate what everybody has been saying. Don't be afraid of losing the guy, lose him for good! And you'll want to have a plan too, since he's only gone during the day and you won't have a lot of time.

Do you have any mutual friends where you can dump his stuff for him to pick up? Then you can just text him letting him know the location of his things and that he doesn't need to bother coming back to your place. Change the locks like others here suggested. Maybe you have friends or family where you can spend the next few evenings after you told him to leave, that way you won't be tempted if he shows up and rings the bell. Don't pick up the phone when he rings, he'll try to manipulate you into letting him back in. Under no circumstance, agree to be alone with him.

Make sure that you have friends and family (or even a therapist) who you can turn to when things get ugly. There is a certain possibility that he will try to smear you and ruin your friendships, employment, business relationships and so on. It happened to me, and I was lucky that everyone who knew the guy in question was taking anything he was saying with a grain of salt and kept being supportive of me.

Like Laura said, this is not an easy task, but once you've made a decision based on knowledge instead of body chemistry and firmly stuck with it, you will change. I used to be a medium for emotional hooks, but not anymore I'm not!

Don't let your emotions get the better of you, they can be incredibly deceiving.

All the best.

 

[Learner]

What Laura and the others say here is spot-on to me, Carlybee. Reading your first post alone brought up a lot of red flags for me. It is like "RUN! RUN! RUN!".

I can also relate to your situation somewhat. When I was in my early twenties, I once met a guy by travelling who later turned out to be abusive. In the very beginning, while meeting him first, I also had red flags showing up, but I didn't pay attention to them. They were confirmed: while we were travelling, he lived on my expenses and basically treated me like I was a little child and somehow invalid. In the end I had lost a lot of money and was a psychical wreck. When it was time for me to get home again, I used this possibility of disbanding for ending this relationship as well. I later learned, that probably a lot of what he had told me was just made up by him. In the hindsight now, he was just a bum who played a pity ploy on me - though this was not why I originally got hooked. But then I gave to him all he wanted from me - and had to pay heavily. If I had stayed with him any longer, he most likely would have become physically violent also - that I strongly felt.

So, I say again: RUN! Especially in case you have a child (I seem to remember vaguely). I fear, it is just a matter of time until he gets physically abusive also. Therefore, as Finduilas suggested, if you have some good friends and members of your family you trust, you can spend a couple of days at their place. Not only for being tempted to let yourself being drawn back into that abusive dynamic, but also to get your head clear and sorting your next steps out. Does it happen, that he sometimes is away for a couple of days, and then coming back?

In this case you have a bit more time to change the locks, prepare his leave as well as your own. If time is very short, probably you have someone who will help you to get ready everything in due time. I would already go away to that friend's place on the same evening you have texted to the guy he can pick up his stuff at X's and doesn't need to come back. Because you never know how his reaction will be. It is a dangerous game. fwiw.