Guidance with moving on

[Ghazi18]

Hello everyone, hope all is well.

I am currently in a difficult situation and would like to ask for some guidance on how to move forward in a positive way. Last week (sept 28th) it was the last 5 minutes of my work shift when I received a call from my dad. My dad tells me that he is going to commit suicide because both my mother and I have rejected him ( which is a lie). As I was driving back home in a rush, I received a call from my aunt asking me to check if my mother is dead because my father called her and told her that he killed her. As I got home, I saw my mothers car parked next to the ranch ( she was supposed to be at work) and as soon as I rushed inside I saw both of their bodies lying in my kitchen. I immediately went outside and started to cry and scream and called the police and went through the whole process. My dad killed my mother and then shot himself in the face with a shotgun that we had.

My dads body was on top of my mothers and I thought that it is somehow symbolic. he was very controlling and was obsessed with her and would think that she was speaking with other men ( which she wasn’t)
I have made peace with what happened and I felt a little strange because I feel on a deeper level I had already accepted this. I decided to view this has a major life changing lesson and that I will grow more and be more humble and a better person instead of being depressed and sad. This is obviously still fresh and I do think about it sometimes but I try to think positive and look forward to what I could contribute to the world in a positive way.

I am currently 24 years old and lived with both of my parents and now I am temporarily living with my girlfriend but will be moving back to my ranch in a couple of days. The owners of the property told me that I could stay there for as long as I want and I don’t have to pay rent, electricity, or water. They told me to keep on working and studying and just pay for the things that are under my name and if I need any help to call them ( I am very shocked at the amount of support I’m receiving from other family members and friends of my mother and father).

I would like to ask for some guidance on how to best manage living alone and if theres anything I could do to change the energy at my house. I will be staying there with my 3 dogs and eventually my girlfriend when she gets another job.

Thank you all so much for all the work and knowledge on here. It is a blessing to be a part of this and I look forward to learning even more and becoming a better person and passing on the guidance to others as well as helping others.

 

[jhonny]

This must have been very shocking, Ghazi, I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through. My sincere condolences for the loss of your parents.

At this moment I don't know what to say about the guide you are asking, but I'm sure you will receive many recommendations and feedback from other members.

A big hug

 

[whitecoast]

That sounds like a horrific scene for you to have come home to Ghazi18. You have my deepest condolences and sympathies to you, your family, and community.

As for moving forward "positively" (which I take to mean in the most constructive way possible) I think it would be proper for you to take as much time as you need to make space to grieve the loss, in spite of all the post-mortem activities that do (and need to) go on. Even If you have the space to air your emotions in your personal friendships and relationships, it may be worth finding a grief counselor if you feel so inclined. But I would not make any assumptions about how long it will take for you to fully process the loss, or find some kind of resolution or closer to your relationship with either of your parents. Our emotions and sense of self are heavily influenced by our parents from even before birth, and I think we can spend our entire lives trying to understand the ramifications of their thoughts and feelings and behavior on us. Taking full stock of ultimate nature of their relationship with you, factoring in the totality of all of you have lived your lives, I think, is a part of this closure and grieving process, and is something that can't be rushed by any means. The recommended reading list on Narcissism may be a good place to start. I would also recommend reading the afterlife thread, which may provide some sense of meaningfulness or higher purpose behind perhaps the senseless violence and tragedy humanity faces every day (again, in your own time and at your own pace as your feelings require).

This is obviously still fresh and I do think about it sometimes but I try to think positive and look forward to what I could contribute to the world in a positive way.

Maybe it's differences in how we use the word positive, but the phrase "think positive," to me, conjures up an approach to feelings that says the experience of negative emotion is bad or needs to be overcome or erased. I don't know if that's how you mean this phrase, either explicity or implicity or unconsciously, but if so I would say that what we've learned about psychology over the years both through books and cumulatively centuries of collective experience on here is that our own emotions can be our greatest teachers. The act of repression and denial of our emotions (and fundamentally our experiences of reality) from a very young age has had an incredibly toxic effect on our society's ability to manage and deal with negative emotions when they do come up, instead confusing their origins or not understanding their place in a balanced and holistic human life. So I think one "positive thought" to take away from this is that ultimately, these events and feelings are going to be catalysts that will assist you in moving toward your destiny, which for some karmic reason or another could not have happened any other way. Having conscious faith in this fact of reality is what I think will be the key for opening the doors to the next steps.

 

[Drea]

This is heartbreaking Ghazi, I'm sorry your parents were both taken from you at once. It seems there are a lot of people reaching their breaking point and unfortunately I expect there will be a lot more people to opt out in the future. I wonder if people knew they were being effected by the wave, maybe they'd hold together. Mental illness is on the rise and it's easy to understand why. Some of my own family members are physically and mentally ill. I don't see them doing well in the times ahead. I'd like to think that those who pass on in these times will be more comfortable on the other side. Digging into near death experiences, past life memories and spiritism might help you with acceptance.

 

[Sergey]

Ghazi18 accept my condolences on the transition of your parents. This is part of your lessons in your starting life school. Read the branch of the afterlife, take what happened, as has already happened, learning is not always fun, but this is the way to gain knowledge and knowledge as said CASS help from the attack 4CC, which probably did not know your parents and you have all ahead of you in your life experience, you will succeed and this forum will help you find the right answers to the questions that will arise as necessary.

 

[Nachtweide]

This story is really terrible and I send you my deepest sympathy.
To give advice to a person without background knowledge about family life, one's own personality and stage of development is very difficult. I try to interpret it in my own way, which can be completely wrong. What struck me was your observation that after such a short time you have already accepted the situation and want to change in a positive direction. Every event has its own phases which vary in length from person to person. The first phase will probably be a shock phase, which also leads to the fact that you repress realities or even dissociation takes place. After traumas also a useful protection for a short time so that pain becomes bearable. After this phase, the anger phase develops, which is also of varying length and emotional depth. The following phase is depression - deep suffering. At the end is the acceptance, the letting go. All phases can also be mixed and blurred into each other. In practice I have often observed that many people get stuck in the denial phase after years, change completely as a person and do not allow any real feelings. This is very often actually seen in men. Women remain more in the anger and depression phase. Very rarely I experience that people go through these phases correctly in order to be able to develop positively in the end. Therefore the cautious interpretation and also the question to yourself. Would you really have the strength in this short time to focus on your future development? Are you able to live in a house where memories are still so present? It's nice to have a girlfriend who is a support and a working environment that stands by your side.
As I said, it is very difficult to evaluate this. An important aspect is your own personality, which I can't evaluate.

 

[Jones]

Sincere condolences for your losses Ghazi18, what a shocking thing to have to endure. Take some time for self care and go easy on yourself. A piece of advice that was given to me after a sudden trauma was to not make any big decisions too soon and without getting feedback. I agree with the suggestion of seeking counselling to help work things out.

 

[Voyageur]

My deep condolences, Ghazi18, this is an extremely tough - very personal and violent situation for you to have witnessed. I agree with @Jones advice given on sudden trauma, and please consider, also as suggested, some counseling as you move along in the aftermath of this tragedy.

So very sorry.

 

[Gary]

My deepest condolences Ghazi18 for the loss of your parents in such tragic circumstances. Considering these terrible traumatic events only happened last week you are probably still in a state of shock. I understand about you wanting to move on and learn lessons and so on, but the grieving process takes time. Having a supportive girlfriend is great, do you have anyone else you can talk to. Perhaps seeing a qualified bereavement counsellor would be beneficial to you. Be kind to yourself. Remember, we are all here for you!

This article may help:

Death Shock: How to Recover When a Loved One Dies Suddenly​

5 stages of grief and 5 ways to recover.​

It changes you forever. The news arrives, and time stops.

There are few things in life as devastating as the sudden death of a loved one. As your world descends into chaos and you're flooded with despair, you feel like you're trapped in a nightmare and can't wake up:

"How could this happen? It can't be true!"

A sudden death shatters our sense of security​

We prefer to believe that our loved ones are safe from harm. We assume that accidents and illnesses will bypass them. So when tragedy strikes suddenly, we go into shock. Our entire being vibrates with a single word: Why?

A sudden death shakes you to the core. You can't turn away from it; you can't reason with it. You know that life will never be the same. (see "How to Recover When Life Crushes You")

Processing death: The five stages of grief​

Kubler Ross' identified five stages of grief to provide a framework for the processing of death. Ross spent much of her life working with terminally ill patients. While these stages are not universal, nor do they occur in lockstep, they can be useful in thinking about grief.


1. Denial: You experience shock and disbelief, frequently accompanied by numbness, detachment, or disassociation. You may focus on facts or keep busy, anything to delay experiencing the pain and despair the loss of your loved one has caused you.

2. Anger: Rage emerges in you. You may point your anger at doctors, friends, spouses, siblings, society or even yourself. But when anger is fixated on blame it offers little comfort. As blame subsides, the pain returns. Anger also triggers a crisis of faith, rage at a God that would permit such a horrible thing to happen. You may even feel angry at the deceased for abandoning you.


3. Bargaining: In an attempt to ease the pain of your loss, you try to bargain with it. You may make sudden changes or promises, such as, "I'm going to be a better person." or "I'll honor his or her memory by changing my ways." But such grief-driven promises are hard to keep. Bargaining helps to soften your anger and is your first attempt to come to grips with the loss.


4. Depression: After passing through denial, anger, and bargaining, the painful reality of the situation sinks in. Depression pushes down on you until you collapse under its weight. Everything feels pointless. Exhaustion plagues you. You may fall back on self-destructive habits such as over-eating, sleeping, or isolating. Such patterns existed in your life before the loss and frequently increase during the depression stage.


5. Acceptance.

You begin to accept your new reality. You recognize that, although everything has changed, you must go on living. You start to find moments of inner peace. Perhaps you take comfort in memories, rather than feel depressed or hurt by them. You may dream about your loved one or talk to him or her in your mind. You start to seek new relationships.

The road to recovery from loss​

The stages of grief can last months or years. Everyone passes through them differently. To help yourself recover, consider the following suggestions:

1. Seek support: A community of friends and family can be a great comfort after a loss. Accept whatever relief that they can offer and don't be afraid to ask for more.


2. Reach 0ut: Isolation after a loss is common, but too much of it breeds depression. Reach out to others, enroll in a bereavement group, or find a religious community or meditative practice that offers you peace.

3. Maintain self-care: Keep active, explore new habits such as exercise, journaling, or yoga. Find a way to step outside your grief by being more creative, such as taking a class, going to inspiring concerts, or visiting galleries.


4. Find Meaning: There is a beautiful new book written by David Kessler, "Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief," In it, he discusses how the loss of his 21-year-old son due to an overdose gave way to depths of grief that he's never known. Books like this can be a great comfort in helping you to realize that you're not alone. They also offer you some tools to help you recover.


5. Start Fresh: At some point, you'll have a choice to make: Do you let grief shrink your life and hold you hostage or do you try to move forward? I had a friend whose son was killed instantly when a car hit him while he was skateboarding. It was so shocking that even now when I think about it, twenty years later, sadness washes over me. My friend emerged from his grief process a changed person. He published a beautiful letter in a local newspaper to his son, celebrating and thanking him for their time together. In the letter, he shared that his son was an organ donor and wrote "His eyes returned sight to someone who couldn't see. His lungs breathe now in another body." It was a beautiful tribute.

When I asked him how he found the strength to go on, he said, "I decided the best way to honor my son, was to live a happy life. I'm sure that's what he would want."

No one fully recovers from the sudden death of a loved one. We all are changed by such losses. But don't give up the battle to go on. A grief that is honored and processed fully frequently gives birth to a greater appreciation and commitment to living.

 

[Voyageur]

@Ghazi18. Had forgotten to ask above if (I'm hoping) you have some other family (grandparents et cetera) that can help you manage. If not for family, family friends or professionals that you may know?

Keep in touch here as needed.

 

[PERLOU]

Je vous apprends ce que vous venez de vivre, je vous présente mes plus sincères condoléances.
De bons conseils vous ont été donnés ci-dessus.
Prenez le temps de faire votre deuil et du temps pour Vous...
Je suis de tout coeur avec Vous...

I tell you what you have just experienced, I offer you my most sincere condolences.
Good advice was given to you above.
Take time to grieve and time for yourself...
My heart goes out to You...

 

[Nienna]

This is horrible news, Ghazi18. My sincerest condolences.

I agree with the others that going to a counselor would be a good thing to do. Also, if you haven't taken the time to grieve, I think you should. Repressing this will only have it come up at a time least expected and it will be much worse for holding it in. Grieving is a natural process that everyone goes through. There's no shame in it nor does it mean you are weak.

It's really good that you are getting support from your other family members and your landlord. You are lucky to be surrounded by such caring people. Yes, taking this as a lesson is good because everything is lessons. Staying positive is good only if you've let yourself grieve first. If you are mad about it, let it out. You can also write letters to your father and mother if you want telling them exactly how you feel and, then, burn them and give them to the Universe to do with as it will.

A big, to you, Ghazi18.

 

[lainey]

I'm shocked to hear this tragic news Ghazi18. I'm sorry this has happened to you. I agree with the others who suggest seeking grief and trauma counselling. You are posting that you have accepted this less than 2 weeks after it happening and I think there is a chance you may still be in shock from the event. I hope you receive the help you need.
Hugs

 

[Adaryn]

I'm shocked to hear this tragic news Ghazi18. I'm sorry this has happened to you. I agree with the others who suggest seeking grief and trauma counselling. You are posting that you have accepted this less than 2 weeks after it happening and I think there is a chance you may still be in shock from the event. I hope you receive the help you need.
Hugs

I agree that you may still be in shock, please give yourself time to process what happened and to grieve. I second what everyone else has advised, and I hope you'll seek external help. Do not go through this alone; even if you have support from your girlfriend and family members, I think you need help from a professional. This is a hugely traumatic event. Of course, we're also here for you. Hugs

 

[scotseeker]

I offer my sincere condolences Ghazi18, this must have been a terrible shock to you. Please take time for yourself to come to terms with the sudden loss of both your parents. Others above offer good suggestions and seeking counseling is advised. I can tell you from my experience that losing family took me through various stages of grief, shock being the first stage. When I lost my younger brother suddenly a year and a half ago, I was in shock for over a month. That turned to grief when planning and having a celebration of life that took place two months after his sudden passing. Everyone reacts and goes through different phases of grieving and for me this just took time and letting it run its course, talking about my different emotions.

Please stay in touch here if you wish, offering support in whatever way possible. Bless you and the rest of your family.