Hating My Mother and Merry Christmas - Two of my *I*s

[lilyalic]

Re: How to stop hating my Narcissistic mother

I just looked at your post again - "I never expressed my feelings upon your "attacks"- I know you placed the term 'attacks' in quotes, but is that how you actually experienced, or perceived, my comments?

Ok, I never saw them as "attacks" no, maybe because I have mutual respect for everyone on here, or maybe I simply didn't see it as an attack :) - More just slightly 'hurtful' comments, it just seemed as though you were pointing the fingers in my direction.

But, I know you've stated that this wasn't the case. I just hope you take more of an optimistic and externally considerate approach when posting on others behalves :)

I'm glad you're choosing to post about your programmes and your resentment in when you are criticised, I'm certain you'll get good responses and opinions.

Hope all goes well,
Kind Regards

 

[Vic]

Re: How to stop hating my Narcissistic mother

I just looked at your post again - "I never expressed my feelings upon your "attacks"- I know you placed the term 'attacks' in quotes, but is that how you actually experienced, or perceived, my comments?

Ok, I never saw them as "attacks" no, maybe because I have mutual respect for everyone on here, or maybe I simply didn't see it as an attack :) - More just slightly 'hurtful' comments, it just seemed as though you were pointing the fingers in my direction.

But, I know you've stated that this wasn't the case. I just hope you take more of an optimistic and externally considerate approach when posting on others behalves :)

I'm glad you're choosing to post about your programmes and your resentment in when you are criticised, I'm certain you'll get good responses and opinions.

Hope all goes well,
Kind Regards

Okay, it seems I am further away with the fairies than I thought. I am so sorry, Lilyalic, I could cry, literally. I have been so insensitive to you - and others. I pray for peace for you.

 

[Mr. Premise]

Re: How to stop hating my Narcissistic mother

Something interesting has happened. When I read those first few posts I saw a number of people shouting out 'my mother is a narcissist' and then start to compare who's mother was exhibiting the most narcissistic symptoms. That's what I saw. But when I went back to those posts that wasn't there anymore.

Frightening or what? I'm not actually 'frightened' because I know that it is, as someone mentioned, projection. I know how human psychology works because I have been looking at it for decades. But looking at it can act as a distraction from actually dealing with it in oneself. Keep it objective and you don't have to deal with the subjective.

Congratulations, Strawman, that is a useful realization. I know it's happened to me and a lot of us, that our emotional programs distort the way we read the feedback. It's very useful to re-read the posts that trigger us later.

 

[Vic]

Re: How to stop hating my Narcissistic mother

Something interesting has happened. When I read those first few posts I saw a number of people shouting out 'my mother is a narcissist' and then start to compare who's mother was exhibiting the most narcissistic symptoms. That's what I saw. But when I went back to those posts that wasn't there anymore.

Frightening or what? I'm not actually 'frightened' because I know that it is, as someone mentioned, projection. I know how human psychology works because I have been looking at it for decades. But looking at it can act as a distraction from actually dealing with it in oneself. Keep it objective and you don't have to deal with the subjective.

Congratulations, Strawman, that is a useful realization. I know it's happened to me and a lot of us, that our emotional programs distort the way we read the feedback. It's very useful to re-read the posts that trigger us later.

Thanks, Mr Premise. But you've made me want to cry again. No seriously, thank you. I feel like a piece of s**t right now, but perhaps this might be the 'melting before the fusion' that might lead to a crystallisation based on a 'good' foundation. I hope so.

Back to Lilyalic.

 

[lilyalic]

Re: How to stop hating my Narcissistic mother

I understand about the waiting lists. MIND's waiting list is a few months, if I remember rightly. However, there are issues that can best be addressed with professional help. You can, of course, continue to work on yourself in the meantime, even while you are on a waiting list.

That's a good suggestion, but we have to put a distinction between the work on ourselves, and how much the Therapist will understand that. - Haha I guess I've just realised I'm really against seeking professional one-to-one help, I need to think about that one. I believe I have an issue of trust, and fear of judgement (in person). In past sessions with professionals, I've spent most of the time wondering what they were thinking.

I know it wasn't your intention to point this out, but I thank you for doing so, it could even be an underlying cause due to the relationship with my Mother, It could be that I don't trust her with my thoughts and 'problems' because of her 'one way' thinking processes and what seemed to be 'inexperienced' and 'phoney' outlook on the world.

Well, one doesn't have to discuss everything from the start. One can discuss how one is in the moment, and use this as the springboard to investigate how the past affects the present.

That's true, I need to realise that Therapists hold a great deal of knowledge and experiences in situations like this, not many 'friends' or general people deemed the relationship between me and my Mother to be dysfunctional.

That's true! Changing the present alters our outlook on the past doesn't it!

Much appreciated, :)

The issues surrounding your mother do appear to be a 'prime struggle' for you though, at least with what you have written about your mother beginning with your intro post. While discussing life experiences here on the forum is helpful, it doesn't - and shouldn't - replace discussing such trauma with a trained professional. There is only so much that the forum can offer in that regard.

As well, one bad experience with a therapist shouldn't prohibit you from seeking additional counseling. Unfortunately, there are a lot of quacks out there so one must tread carefully when choosing a good therapist. Perhaps consider Endymion's suggestion for local UK help and go from there.

Yeah, you're right. In all honesty I don't think I'll ever want to see a therapist however there's a possibility that my opinion about that will change, with more work on myself.
Thank you for your suggestions, I will consider the additional help.

Kind Regards

 

[Laura]

Re: How to stop hating my Narcissistic mother


lilyalic, I'm having a hard time understanding why this discussion is even taking place.

IF, and that's a big IF, your mother is as toxic as you say, there should be no problem whatsoever for you, now that you CAN be independent, to just cut off the feeding. You are probably clever enough to figure out how to do that.

IF, on the other hand, the problem is that you, yourself, are so damaged that you cannot do that, then the solution is therapy.

It really is that simple.

 

[JGeropoulas]

Re: How to stop hating my Narcissistic mother

...
I don't know why I'm against seeking such help, maybe it's because I wouldn't know where to start

That's the beauty of working with a good therapist--you don't have to know where to start, or what to do or what all the answers are. Good therapy can present an opportunity to get what we've always dreamed about: a safe place to be completely unguarded and transparent and receive acceptance, support and guidance.

But ironically, when we get that opportunity, we quickly learn how difficult it is to actually let our guard down and let others see us for what we are. Even more difficult is seeing ourselves for what we are. But this difficult process is exactly what helps us see (a) that we have defenses (b) the nature of those defenses (c) that our defenses are very tenacious (c) the issues hidden behind those defenses.

Such growth is difficult, which is why you hire a therapist to help you accomplish it. So, you don't have to know where to start. You simply have to be transparent and tell the therapist that you don't know where to start. See how much easier that would be? In some ways you have to work harder than ever, but in other ways, you don't (e.g. having all the answers, maintaining pretenses, etc.).

Hope that makes sense and encourages you to seriously consider finding the right therapist to assist you. Psyche's experience of therapist shopping was an excellent example of how to approach it.

Best of luck.

...
when I went to my doctors over Anxiety and Depression etc, I even told them I hadn't slept in 3 days straight, they just prescribed me medication and it had side effects such as Insomnia?!

Avoid psychiatrists and get reassurances from any prospective non-medical therapists that their treatment modality is insight-oriented, interpersonal, cognitive-behavioral and/or other such therapy approaches.

 

[CelticWarrior]

Re: What does everyone get up to for Christmas?

Most humbly agreed, Lilyalic. The togetherness is always the focus and considering that the commercialism is in full swing at its earliest point than I can ever remember, I'd be more than happy to see the festive and traditional nature of the winter soltice season.

I always enjoy the 'doing' at Christmas time. Ya know, the things we can get done to make it memorable and wonderful for all to enjoy. Instead of watching the hoards of people running around malls and the usual sts stuff, my main outlook is to share, give, spend time with family and friends and most definatlely cook up great food that sizzles in the frying pan or grill :) We'll all gather around a fire n talk about our lives and global events that will be sure to make a lively debate across the dinner table afterwards. There's something to be said for producing real warmth during the holidays - ingoring the 'getting things' and instead of abolishing presents just make them an appropriate fit like something small under the huge pine tree.

You're not alone in your excitment for good memories and joyful occasions this Christmas! I've been longing for some happy moments with my rediculously large family while it only lasts a few days it's a meaningful time. There's always a feeling of melancholy after it's all over and then one of my goofy cousins will say something like "Christmas is ruined! Wait another year." Haha. Of course, it'll be a triumphant christmas if I can get everyone more actively involved in things like decorating, cooking, singing, making home made cards, and anything that sparks holiday cheer!

 

[Psalehesost]

Re: What does everyone get up to for Christmas?

In later years, for me it's not much out of the ordinary. There's neither much in the way of togetherness, nor commercialism.

I live with my parents, and for them it's pretty much the same. There's not much in the way of deeper emotional connection between us. Mostly, what they do for Christmas is to bake some things - and sometimes set up a Christmas tree. In the past I've participated in the latter - in later years interest has declined on the part of all of us, though that's something I can do if they turn out to want a tree this year.

There can be visits to relatives around this time of year - not exactly around Christmas, but before - in which case there is some of the usual chatting around the table and sharing of various foods associated with this time of year.

As for friends, neither I nor my friends (currently one friend I see every couple of months) have even thought of spending Christmas together - and this is probably more general here in Sweden, though not universal. It's typically more of a family and relatives thing.

When I was a child, as well as throughout some of my teens, there was more of the commerical element with presents, etc., and also otherwise more involvement with Christmas celebrations. Nowadays, the main thing out of the ordinary for me is, in going around town, hearing Christmas music playing here and there and seeing Christmas decorations put up in a variety of places. Those who watch TV will also usually view the same old traditional Christmas programming (featuring prominently Disney cartoons) that's been running every year with little change. I'm no longer interested in that - and even my parents often skip it.

And that's about it. So, not much in the way of excitement for me - though I hope others for whom Christmas means more will have a merry Christmas!

 

[Gwenllian]

Re: How to stop hating my Narcissistic mother

Something interesting has happened. When I read those first few posts I saw a number of people shouting out 'my mother is a narcissist' and then start to compare who's mother was exhibiting the most narcissistic symptoms. That's what I saw. But when I went back to those posts that wasn't there anymore.

Frightening or what? I'm not actually 'frightened' because I know that it is, as someone mentioned, projection. I know how human psychology works because I have been looking at it for decades. But looking at it can act as a distraction from actually dealing with it in oneself. Keep it objective and you don't have to deal with the subjective.

Congratulations, Strawman, that is a useful realization. I know it's happened to me and a lot of us, that our emotional programs distort the way we read the feedback. It's very useful to re-read the posts that trigger us later.

It is certainly useful to re-read the posts that trigger us. I have found that is even useful to retreat for a couple of days and just have a quiet think, especially when I feel very confused. I have learnt that I can't trust myself when it comes to emotional issues.

Added: Good for you, The Strawman, that you have come this far.

 

[Menna]

Re: How to stop hating my Narcissistic mother

Good for you, The Strawman, that you have come this far

Exactly...This thread might come as a sock to you because you are seeing things that were always there but where undetectable this is why a network is so important to help each other see our shortcomings. I included the quote above in this post because I believe what is happening should be viewed as growth. Even though it might invoke feelings, emotions that are unpleasant. (As the C's said shame drives defense) however this also gives a great opportunity to sit with these emotions feel them and let them run through you. They won't hurt you. Great opportunity to objectively see yourself to discover what you want to keep and what you want to discard and continue on :).

 

[lilyalic]

Re: What does everyone get up to for Christmas?

I've attached a few photos from the Christmas decorations in my town!

I always enjoy the 'doing' at Christmas time. Ya know, the things we can get done to make it memorable and wonderful for all to enjoy. Instead of watching the hoards of people running around malls and the usual sts stuff, my main outlook is to share, give, spend time with family and friends and most definatlely cook up great food that sizzles in the frying pan or grill :)

Yeah gathering gifts is one of my favourite activities at Christmas. :)
I went into my town today and there was hundreds of people, I don't even think many pay attention to the manic stage!

When I was a child, as well as throughout some of my teens, there was more of the commerical element with presents, etc., and also otherwise more involvement with Christmas celebrations. Nowadays, the main thing out of the ordinary for me is, in going around town, hearing Christmas music playing here and there and seeing Christmas decorations put up in a variety of places. Those who watch TV will also usually view the same old traditional Christmas programming (featuring prominently Disney cartoons) that's been running every year with little change. I'm no longer interested in that - and even my parents often skip it.

Well when you're young it's all about what you're getting isn't it! I've noticed that my "Christmas pile" decreases every year!
It's all about the sentimental values now, much more fun for those under the age of 10!
But still, the 'togetherness' and celebration really makes me feel good!

Moderator Note: Posting large images, especially in this particular context, is frowned upon. See here.

 

[Laura]

Re: What does everyone get up to for Christmas?

Just thought it would be nice to discuss the upcoming holiday! Christmas time!

I will upload photos when Christmas decorations are put up in my town, as they're usually beautiful!

I'd say that what I love most about Christmas is the 'togetherness' and that everyone feels like your family! and considering I feel like we're all together in 'something' on this forum it'd be nice to know of others celebrations!

I find it rather disconcerting that you are writing this "wishful thinking" post in view of your problems with hating your narcissistic mother.

 

[lilyalic]

Re: What does everyone get up to for Christmas?

I find it rather disconcerting that you are writing this "wishful thinking" post in view of your problems with hating your narcissistic mother.

I fail to see how this post is in the view of my problems, could you please explain further?

 

[lilyalic]

Re: How to stop hating my Narcissistic mother

lilyalic, I'm having a hard time understanding why this discussion is even taking place.

IF, and that's a big IF, your mother is as toxic as you say, there should be no problem whatsoever for you, now that you CAN be independent, to just cut off the feeding. You are probably clever enough to figure out how to do that.

IF, on the other hand, the problem is that you, yourself, are so damaged that you cannot do that, then the solution is therapy.

It really is that simple.

I was thinking on how to cope with the situation between my Mother and I for a few months, and after being continuously attacked via emails, phone calls, texts etc whilst attempting to come up with the best way possible, I just wanted to ask more advanced individuals.
So before I did this, I tried to cut the contact between her and I for the time being.

I've come to the conclusion that I just have to let her 'toxicity' stop effecting me, because that will just feed her and this has to happen for any type of relationship to function.

I put this into play this weekend, and apart from the odd 'negative' comments from my Mother, everything went smoothly and even when I left it was fine! I took on a seemingly more 'adult' approach with her.

With more work on myself, I believe I can make this 'page' in my life extremely functional!

Thankyou for everyone's advice!