having no friends

[realitybugll]

So... I want to share this... http://leeiwan.wordpress.com/2006/06/23/what-happens-when-we-have-no-friends/

reading the responses to this article makes me sad. 1750 responses since the article was written in 2006. why does existence have to be like this for some people? why do people live like this. I don't get it. I don't understand the phenomenon. Why do some people have no friends? for there entire lives sometimes no friends? what is the purpose of this... why does it happen?

 

[Hildegarda]

Why do some people have no friends? for there entire lives sometimes no friends? what is the purpose of this... why does it happen?

I scrolled down a few times, and there are definite patterns to the answers:

1) People lose friends when moving away to another location or transitioning into a new stage in life, and they experience it as traumatic. This is especially true when people graduate school or college. From personal experience, it takes time to realize that making friends is an art that has to be learned and practiced throughout lifetime, and there will be many disappointments for one good friendship that emerges.

2) People have undefined or unrealistic expectations of what "friendship" really means for them. Some people there who are saying that they have no "real" or "true" friend will probably look well-adjusted and sociable to an outside observer. They have people to hang out with, but they are actually looking for a soul mate. Or they feel self-conscious due to basic social difficulties and worry that they can't make friends, while the situation may call for a simple chitchat only. Or they have one or two real friends, but think it's not enough -- why exactly?

3) Not being supported by your immediate family is a risk factor for the difficulties in friendships.

overall, it IS painful to read, no denying that ...

 

[jordifs]

The subject is indeed interesting. But for me the question is not about having friends. The question is which one is really a good one. On my life I met people, my behaviour seems to let me be in good contact with everyone. ¿All these people I've met are friends? ¿How to measure the friendship abstract level? ¿How to create a catalog? I've discovered that none of them are really in the inner circle, a place where trust is granted.

Yesterday I sent an email to some of them. A lot of changes are happening in the world, a lot of events are coming. We cannot continue to live as we did on past years. I want to BE part of these changes, I believe something has to be done, I must prepare, and by doing it is how I will discover where true friendship comes. On a community where true values are shared.

About not having friends right now and on this moment, it is a symptom of loneliness, of failure to find the proper community to live among.

Even with knowledge and resources, I have failed to actually DO something. And yesterday I declared my friends as my enemies, untill they demonstrate me otherwise.

 

[beetlemaniac]

Reading this, a question comes to mind. What is it that makes friendships so important for a lot of people, and conversely why is loneliness so unbearable?

I think most of us find friends in people whom embody the characteristics that we lack. Which could mean projecting desirable traits onto others.
Thus the pain of loneliness could come from being exposed to only a small part of the self (feeling 'incomplete' or 'empty') and not having other people around who display traits that we desire.

But I'm sure friendships can grow from this projective relationship to something closer and deeper, if both people are willing to open up and reveal themselves.

Unholy Hungers says so much about this, the concept of projection especially was a great insight into my own psychology. I'm falling in love with Jungian psychology!

I'm also quite sure that doing EE breathing can relieve feelings of loneliness and allow us to connect to our bodies and true selves. Posting on this forum doesn't hurt either :D

 

[Buddy]

Why do some people have no friends? for there entire lives sometimes no friends? what is the purpose of this... why does it happen?

I scrolled down a few times, and there are definite patterns to the answers:

1) People lose friends when moving away to another location or transitioning into a new stage in life, and they experience it as traumatic. This is especially true when people graduate school or college. From personal experience, it takes time to realize that making friends is an art that has to be learned and practiced throughout lifetime, and there will be many disappointments for one good friendship that emerges.

2) People have undefined or unrealistic expectations of what "friendship" really means for them. Some people there who are saying that they have no "real" or "true" friend will probably look well-adjusted and sociable to an outside observer. They have people to hang out with, but they are actually looking for a soul mate. Or they feel self-conscious due to basic social difficulties and worry that they can't make friends, while the situation may call for a simple chitchat only. Or they have one or two real friends, but think it's not enough -- why exactly?

3) Not being supported by your immediate family is a risk factor for the difficulties in friendships.

overall, it IS painful to read, no denying that ...

I agree with all the above because I've experienced them all...especially number 1 in my formative years, because my dad was always looking for a better paying job in his field in order to support the family - like keeping food on the table and such.

Number 1 can also lead to some of the issues in number 2 as it did for me. For a time, I was so tired of making friends and then crying because I had to leave them, that eventually I stopped trying to form good friendships at school because of a fear of having to leave again.

I also agree with beetlemaniac because the psychology behind this loneliness suggests that, for many people, their early wounds never healed and something inside them is still looking for the love and support they didn't get enough of in childhood. :(

 

[Gawan]

I also agree with beetlemaniac because the psychology behind this loneliness suggests that, for many people, their early wounds never healed and something inside them is still looking for the love and support they didn't get enough of in childhood. :(

This may really be true imo.

I'm also quite sure that doing EE breathing can relieve feelings of loneliness and allow us to connect to our bodies and true selves. Posting on this forum doesn't hurt either :D

No it doesn't. :)

As I first read the post some days ago, I thought, that there may many factors which could lead to this unfortunate living style. Psychology plays certainly a big role in it, nonetheless I think there are also external factors as simply having no time, because people have to work (flexibility in jobs, working in other cities, where then most often it is difficult to get to other peer groups, cause you are an outsider). Enjoying TV or computer. Or also the more and more individualization of people, that there is not trust anymore in other people, maybe cause of the ponerization.

But it is indeed really sad.

 

[beetlemaniac]

I also agree with beetlemaniac because the psychology behind this loneliness suggests that, for many people, their early wounds never healed and something inside them is still looking for the love and support they didn't get enough of in childhood. :(

I think so too, a lot of problems and sorrow we experience now is probably traceable to unhealthy parental relationships fostered during our formative years, which become a kind of guideline (much like a prison) for relationships with other humans (and ourselves?) in adolescence and adulthood.

[quote author=Legolas]
As I first read the post some days ago, I thought, that there may many factors which could lead to this unfortunate living style. Psychology plays certainly a big role in it, nonetheless I think there are also external factors as simply having no time, because people have to work (flexibility in jobs, working in other cities, where then most often it is difficult to get to other peer groups, cause you are an outsider). Enjoying TV or computer. Or also the more and more individualization of people, that there is not trust anymore in other people, maybe cause of the ponerization.

But it is indeed really sad.
[/quote]

Yeah, in the sorry state of modern society, people are made to rely on distractions that provide shallow emotional relief. Which keeps them far away from the issues which are most pertinent in their true lives. "Living vicariously" or not living at all. :(

Trust is also a virtue which is so hard to develop. Giving up defenses and putting ourselves in a vulnerable position for others doesn't come easy these days. But I think it is an essential step to start living again.

 

[Phill4]

1) People lose friends when moving away to another location or transitioning into a new stage in life, and they experience it as traumatic. This is especially true when people graduate school or college. From personal experience, it takes time to realize that making friends is an art that has to be learned and practiced throughout lifetime, and there will be many disappointments for one good friendship that emerges.

defenetly true.. i moved to the US about 3 years ago, and lost all my friends, not only because i had to face the new entire culture, social and family issues but also and great part for the fact that i had not real good communication skills at the time, neither interested in make new (since i felt i would get shallow friends in rushing) i found out latter that i didn't have this ability to communicate with people as others do... and that all the friends i had as the ones i made here were attracted to things like, they would get used to me, and in general age, my smile, my "openess" to hang out so to say, doing favors, background, matching classes in high school and so on.
even though as a personal issue many of my manners, gestures, jokes, comments and this "openess to hang out" were merely an attempt to have friends.

Latter on, off course many thing went on I lost interest and track on this idea, that I accidentally and intensionally from other sides found many answers to this.
and what I can say is that not only life is a school, karma, and knowledge on oneself as well as common interests are big keys.
and it all has its magnetic roots at the emotional and psycho-emotional part of humans.

Network would be the most important concept to take into account IMO.

 

[Alma.Innovadora]

rejection is an incredibly important lesson, listen to yourself. ;D
Now I'm trying to socialize with people that I rejected, to study my emotions. It is a great challenge, I tell the difference between having learned the lesson, the indifference to people.

 

[Zaphod]

I find the topic of friendship interesting. As has been pointed at earlier in the thread, there does appear, for most people, to be an unrelenting demand for friendship and acceptance throughout their lives for no adequately explained reason. Beneath the peer and societal pressure to be 'popular' there is a more fundamental and apparently substantive desire to share our living experiences with others; almost that, without others in our lives which we can link to in whatever individual way we link, life almost becomes tragically meaningless. This however adds a slightly sinister and STS aspect to seeking friendship, however innate this activity appears to be to the human psyche. Yet on the flip side, if we are to accept life taking it's own merry way on friendship and linking to others, we have to also accept that we are, by law of averages, going to face times in our life when we are friendless. Probably most of it

It seems to me, that with friendship, as with intimate relationships, there can be a whole host of very unpleasant psychology going on beneath a convincing facade. I think subconsciously we're aware, but we don't dig too deep for fear of ending up with the realisation that we're surrounded by people we know, but actually friendless.

Of course, that all relies on one interpretation of 'friendship'. I guess you could equally define 'friends' as just being people you're 'familiar' with. Maybe expecting a friendship to be rewarding in any way is where we're going wrong .. it does all sound rather STS doesn't it?

 

[Stranger]

Some years ago i abandoned all my relationships with people I lived a superficial relationship with, because I couldn't any longer live with lies and walls between us. After that I really felt more freedom in my life. I always preferred and still prefer to be alone. But also I sometimes need friends to talk about everything, which burdens me or which I am interested in. But only after I break contact to superficial people I once labeled as "friends" I was able to fiend REAL ones. There are only few of them and they don't live in my town but a few friends are better than 50 of whom you don't really know even 1 - and after change of the town, school, job, etc. you loose them all and maybe you realize that you never had friends.

 

[realitybugll]

what scares me when reading the comments in the link is those people who make an effort--make many efforts, and still find themselves with no friends. that is inexplicably depressing. its unfair. when I read like--the first day of college--they went around talking to everyone--but two weeks later found themselves in the same position as high school--all alone.

I think it is easy to run in circles when trying to decipher why people end up with no friends / feeling like they have no friends (two different things, yes)

For me -- i can realize that I do have friends. but i feel like: perhaps not "true friends". the idea of what a friend is subjective. it will change on a day to day basis for me. my relationships with people are what made me increasingly unhappy and brought me to this forum, the Cass website, and introduced me to many new topics. I have emotional trauma. many "problems" and damage to work out within myself. I am really motivated to work on this. all of us here are. but sleep can be alluring.

I like how someone phrased having no friends, an "unfortunate living style". this sounds like gurdjieff remark like from beelzebub's tales. "...and that my boy is why so many of your favorites have developed this most unfortunate living style" :). from a broad perspective having/feeling like having no friends is a stage in ones life to learn from. a hypothetical, but for instance, if I was completely content, i would have no desire to learn. sure there is some joy in learning but a lot of my being here relates to being unhappy. anyways, I like the wording. there is a lot to learn from...

thank you guys for responding to the link. I WANTED responses. but anyways it is nice to hear what you have to say and to communicate. it makes me feel good. I had a weird response after sharing the link though. I didn't touch this forum for days. on the topic--it was directly after talking to a friend, that I found myself with the energy to come back here and view the responses. so i noted that as interesting. Because I had considered perhaps 5 times before this and just couldn't do it. but after having a pleasant discussion with my friend I felt less resistance in coming to the forum. so, like a positive feedback loop. but it is true... isolation can be spiraling. When I moved away from my friends (which you guys mentioned) I lost my confidence, my identity, etc.

 

[melatonin]

Its not cool to be needy, or to try and make an effort to makes friends.
Its about fitting into a stereotype.
Some friendships are built on such bull-sh*t - like wearing the latest pair of rockports, and talking crap about drugs.
Or getting a reputation for being a good fighter around the local town-centre.

What percentage people are popular because they are genuinely nice, down to earth, caring people? Very few id bet.

I personally hate this obssession with being popular, because it feels like a way of trying to condition people to be like the 'norm' , and i personally dont want to be an egotistic bell-end whos only intrested in money, and climbing over others.
We lived in a messed-up egotistic 'everyone for themselves' world. You could say that those who are sensitive enough to get chucked on the way-side are the bets humans we have - maybe its a compliment to someone that they are lonely.

I think the poster who made the point about people with un-fullfiilled needs from their childhood was spot-on. Certainly, since my breakdown from my childhood abuse i find socialising near enough impossible, and you soon get isolated if you dont 'keep up with the jones'.

 

[melatonin]

I also think a more important question would be - why do people need to think they are popular?
Why do people crave the acceptance of others?

Why do 'popular' people feel the need to identify with others as been lonley?
Its pretty easy to make friends and gain acceptance from others, if your being FALSE to your true self. Ive personally played that game.
Some examples:-
Tell a christian your suddenly intrested in the bible - it wont take long for that person to be-friend you. (or any other idea that this person holds onto strongly)
Or follow the same football team as a work colleague.
Or join in with the bullys torturing another victim.
(i havent done any of these, but are examples of gaining popularity).

Friendships are usually about one person strengthening the ego of another, and vice-versa. If your self aware enough to dislike ego, and to want to find truth, why would you want to play that game?

The question is - how much do you sacrifice of your own beliefs (if you have any) in order to win the acceptance of others?
Some people dont even have enough self-reflection to be even aware that they arent being true to themselves, yet appear outwardly popular - is that genuine then? Is that popularity?

Nothing is true. If you think deeply about how people are, its find to find any truth in their words and behaviour. Because nothing is true. Most love is just a narcasstic reflection of ourselves, something that feeds the ego. Most friendships are just convineant relationships to help us move up in life. We get something from it.
Real trust and loyalty is very rare.

 

[knowledge_of_self]

This topic is interesting and it hits really close to home for me.

Throughout my life, I was obsessed with the idea of “friendship” and “best friends”.

People lose friends when moving away to another location or transitioning into a new stage in life, and they experience it as traumatic. This is especially true when people graduate school or college. From personal experience, it takes time to realize that making friends is an art that has to be learned and practiced throughout lifetime, and there will be many disappointments for one good friendship that emerges.

Like Bud, I can relate to this because I moved to another country at a very early age. I lost all my friends, and family and trying to get used to a new culture and language was very difficult. It took some time to make friends and when I did, we moved around a lot, so we didn’t stay friends for long.

Throughout my life I’ve been hurt by many people who I thought were my friends. But it turned out all we had was unhealthy feeding dynamics. Or they were sticking around because they needed/wanted something from me. I used to cry about how I don’t have real friends all the time- and how lonely I felt, but that changed when I came to realize the only true (physical) friend I’ve ever had is also my life partner and I thank DCM everyday that I met him. I also consider a lot of the forum members extended friends. Some of you are truer friends to me than anyone I knew physically, even my family. We have a true understanding here, people share their true selves and beliefs, and don’t judge others for seeing things differently or care where they’re from or what the color of their skin is. They care for your health, well-being and help you when you’re feeling down, depressed- and listen to you if you simply want to vent.

These are some of the key qualities in friendship and I experience this everyday when I interact with everyone here- and for that I’m thankful.

Interestingly, during the past few months an old ‘friend’ of mine, from my highschool has been trying to contact me. She ran into my mother a few times and wanted my info to contact me. My mom has brought it up more than a few times, about how I should contact her. Anyway, tonight my mom and her were having dinner together and wanted to surprise me by calling me. Well I was surprised to say the least.

Through my ‘friendship’ with this girl during my early teens- we were really good friends outside of school and hung out all the time. But in school, she would barely speak to me, and would pretty much pretend she didn’t even know me. It really hurt my feelings and one day I just gave up wanting to be her friend. She’d call wanting to hang out after school or on weekends and I’d refuse and soon after we stopped being friends.

Now, after all these years she wants to meet up and “reminisce about the past”. But I have no real good memories about that time, or even about her- so I was all smiles during the phone convo “sure I’ll contact you sometime…” but thinking why on Earth would I really want to go see her? We are 2 completely different people now. What really would be the point? I even thought maybe she’s general law agent (probably unconscious) trying to distract me from something. But that’s probably my self-importance.

I just thought I’d share this bit of interesting synchronicity in regards to this thread.