having no friends

[melatonin]

For me friends have been people who have plugged gaps in myself. I was that cut off from my physce, that i needed other people to give me things that i couldnt give myself.
Now im more and more able to give these mental strokes to myself. I guess this is self-acceptance.
Im beginning to see that the most important thing is to be aware that friendships are mainly superficial, so i shouldnt give them too much power either way. Whether i feel popular because im interacting with alot of people, or un-popular because im not - its makes no difference.
I think that feels pretty empowering.

 

[Eongar]

As mentioned, this topic is interesting.

I can say that I have very few friends. And not because I ´m an antisocial or something. Just do not I have virtually nothing in common with most people that surround my life. No I have the same intentions in life that people around me at work, for example. My life and my partner, is dedicated to finding the access way to the Way, which would Mouravieff. This causes a separation from the rest of the people. Not only because I do not want, but because of inertia does not attract me certain things, like go to dinner with friends, or drinks, or any activity that people usually do. I do not like. I am not amused. And I do not feel sad. It is a conscious decision. My friends are also relevant to the Work.

I share an excerpt from a text I'm writing it relates to this:

"When the Seeker becomes more knowledge, everything seemed wonderful and real at first, then becomes insubstantial and inconsistent. The individual also must be prepared to withstand the fall of myths over what they believed, be a person, group, education or simply a way of life, it may be one more lie in the whirlwind of life and, if you really want to move, you must also discard it and continue your search. It must develop the ability to discern the real from the fake, and discernment is also increased with the pitfalls and mistakes. Gradually these disappointments will come to fruition. Patience is a key to get it. "

In addition we recall the idiosyncrasies of the General Law and Law of Exception.
Ego need to be liked and accepted

In fact, we are a social animal and this necessity makes Buffer, I think.

Well, as someone once said, "loneliness is learning to be with yourself."

Osit




Como se ha dicho, este tema es interesante.
Yo puedo decir que tengo muy pocas amistades. Y no es porque sea antisocial o algo parecido. Simplemente no tengo prácticamente nada que compartir con la mayoría de personas que rodean mi vida. No tengo las mismas intenciones en la vida que la gente que me rodea en el trabajo, por ejemplo. Mi vida -y la de mi pareja- está dedicada a buscar el camino de acceso al Camino, que diría Mouravieff. Este hecho provoca una separación respecto al resto de la gente. No sólo porque no me apetezca, sino porque ya por inercia no me atraen ciertas cosas, como irme a comer con amistades, o de copas, o cualquier actividad que suele hacer la gente. No me gusta. No me divierte. Y no me parece triste. Es una decisión tomada conscientemente. Mis amistades están relacionadas también con el Trabajo.

Comparto un extracto de un texto que estoy escribiendo que guarda relación con esto:

“Cuando el Buscador adquiere más conocimiento, todo aquello que le parecía maravilloso y real en un principio, después se torna insustancial e inconsistente. El individuo también ha de estar preparado para soportar la caída de sus mitos; aquello en lo que más creía -sea una persona, grupo, enseñanza o simplemente un modo de vivir- es posible que sea una mentira más dentro del torbellino de la vida, y, si realmente quiere avanzar, también tendrá que desprenderse de ello y continuar su búsqueda. Se ha de desarrollar la capacidad de discernir lo real de lo falso, y el discernimiento se incrementa también con los tropiezos y equívocos. Paulatinamente estos desencantos darán sus frutos. La paciencia es una de las claves para conseguirlo.”

Además cabe recordar la idiosincrasia de la Ley General y la Ley de Excepción.
Forma parte del Ego la necesidad de gustar y ser aceptado. De hecho, somos una animal social y esta necesidad hace de Tope, creo.
Y bueno, como alguien me dijo una vez, “la soledad es aprender a estar con uno mismo.”
Osit

 

[Nienna]

I am sorry for your loss. Take care Mrs. Peel.

Thanks, both of you. For the last two years I was so focused on my elderly parents care and health, then to lose mom unexpectedly and have dad relocate so far away in the space of a month has left a real emptiness. I've been flooded with memories of Xmas as a child these past couple days. It was nice to go over and spend time with the neighbors, asleep tho they be, and take my mind off it for a while.

Glad to hear that you had a nice time, Mrs. Peel.

 

[dannybananny]

Thanks, both of you. For the last two years I was so focused on my elderly parents care and health, then to lose mom unexpectedly and have dad relocate so far away in the space of a month has left a real emptiness. I've been flooded with memories of Xmas as a child these past couple days. It was nice to go over and spend time with the neighbors, asleep tho they be, and take my mind off it for a while.

Sorry for your loss, didn't see it first time! :)

 

[3DStudent]

Whoa, thank you for this thread. I've learned so much about myself from reading the replies.

I too am a loner type and don't have many friends. The only friend I'd say is a co-worker who is aware some things are not right in the world. So the forum is basically my group of real friends. Most of my old friends were lost after high school and college. I can remember many friends and family going to Iraq, getting married, college, etc.

I also read that article linked about Americans not having many friends. I read the comments and didn't really feel anything at the first one or two. But then I started to really feel the same way because they were describing things I feel too! I had that feeling of loneliness and longing to share things with another. So I started to tear up while reading the comments. Then I listened to VSQ's version of The Scientist, which I knew would let the rest out.

So I cried what was left and felt really relieved. I felt kind of empty and that I had been healed.

Music has always been something that can get me to release emotions. That's why I have tried out playing a few instruments. After listening to that song and reading those comments on the article, I looked up some drum circle events near me. I was thinking that that could be something to help me connect to people, with the instrument being something to break the ice.

But that was two days ago, and after finishing this thread I'm thinking differently. Especially the part about this road being a lonely one of the seeker. And I don't think you can base a friendship on one interest, when the person is asleep in every aspect.

So instead of joining some group to be part of some musical ensemble, I just remembered that I can be a part of this ensemble on the forum. We don't have to be in proximity of each other, we work through energy and efforts. And our instruments are the Work. Striving for STO, we are all united and friends, Fellows. Should the network become lost, and as we continue our lives surrounded by the unconscious and the matrix, we can still remember that there are others out there. And although we may not interact with them, we can act as them. In this way we would still be together. In the case of not having access to the forum and network, this would be the only thing we could do to "interact"; continue to live what we've learned, so that maybe we may again find eachother.

Some things in particular that were helpful were the comments of Deedlet, so I thank you Deedlet for the insights.

We're all reactionary wetroof. You're not alone. In ways we're all lonely- especially truth seekers. The important thing is to learn as much about yoruself as possible ("know thyself") and to not give up on the work- even when it gets hard and lonely. Not giving up, is what warriors are made of.

This is what I was talking about earlier concerning the seekers path. I think knowing the self would solve all of these kind of problems.

Maybe the "identity" you lost was part of your faulse self?

This made me really think, because I've felt like I lost a part of myself when I lost friends from high school. But all we did was have common interests like TV, videogames, geeky stuff. So those things are A influences and a false part of myself that I no longer have. It really does feel like you're empty when you lose these false things.

Perhaps the reason you have lost so much "self confidence" is becuase you relied on others for it? Self confidence comes from within. That's what it means to know yourself. If you know yourself, you will have self confidence. Imo, you need to examin all of the above closely. The loss of your self confidence, seeing yourself as worthless and pathetic, comparing yourself to others. These are all things that stem from deep psychological wounding- most likely from some trauama in your youth.

I hardly have any self confidence these days too. Maybe I had some when I had friends, but I agree that it comes from within, something that you can grow. I looked at trauma in my youth too and remember in kindergarten I didn't want to be away from my mom, and so I cried when she had to leave me. I hadn't had much interaction with others, so was always afraid of new people; this kind of continues to this day. So maybe that first real separation from my mother is something I still fear, that loneliness. I think it also has to do with independence and relying on others versus taking matters in your own hand.

So, I had a lot of "Whoa.." moments reading this thread. Thank you again everyone. Maybe someone else will learn something from my long post ;).

Edit: spelling

 

[Psalehesost]

At the same time, part of the 3D learning is through interaction with others. One has to be carefull for some relationships, but overall what is required IMHO is discernment, not total isolation. Remember that the fourth way is about being in (and learning through) life, not out of life. There is a balance to attain, a balance between vigilance and courage. One learns from the lessons, and all is lessons isn't it.

Vigilance and courage are not opposites - they are both essential, but rather than "balancing", I think they both need to be taken to the maximum. Courage allows taking steps into the world and interacting, and vigilance when applied makes use of discernment in taking these steps.

That said, I don't take many steps into the world - I wouldn't know where to begin or really how to go about it. So right now I mostly observe my immediate surroundings in life (online and offline) and see what opportunities exist there. And sometimes actually make use of them. A lot to learn.

 

[mkrnhr]

Courage allows taking steps into the world and interacting, and vigilance when applied makes use of discernment in taking these steps.

Yes, that's why they are not opposite, but rather complementary, like yin and yang. They do not cancel each other if a balance is aimed to.

That said, I don't take many steps into the world - I wouldn't know where to begin or really how to go about it. So right now I mostly observe my immediate surroundings in life (online and offline) and see what opportunities exist there. And sometimes actually make use of them. A lot to learn.

Observing in itself is a kind of interaction with the world, only a most subtle one. I've been also in an observing mode for a long time so i understand the situation. Each situation and interaction mode in life is a different lesson, and one has not to haste to jump to the following lesson unless the present one is completed. But again, the danger is to fall into extrems (hence the idea of balance). For example, imagine i wish to learn to swim. So i go to the beach and i watch people swimming. If i jump too soon before a lean that one has to keep breathing and move arms and legs to stay on the surface, i'll drown, and will never lean to swim. On the other hand, if i keep watching undefinitively how people swim and i do not jump into the water and try it, i'll never learn to swim neither. So the question is, when should i jump into the water and swim? That depends upon knowledge and inspiration, but in order to know when i'm ready, the best is to watch people swimming, and i try little by little in the shallow water, where little children play. This way, i use both courage and vigilance: i'm in the water, although it's the babies zone. But even before going to the shallow water, i'll learn from others how to keep the head out of water :)
So, one doesn't force himself into experience, because experiences come when one is ready, but at the same time, when the experience comes, one doesn't refuse to experience it IMHO. Life is fluid and if we maintain a rigid attitude towards her, we miss a lot to learn from her incessant movements and always surprising occurrences.

 

[beetlemaniac]

So instead of joining some group to be part of some musical ensemble, I just remembered that I can be a part of this ensemble on the forum. We don't have to be in proximity of each other, we work through energy and efforts. And our instruments are the Work. Striving for STO, we are all united and friends, Fellows. Should the network become lost, and as we continue our lives surrounded by the unconscious and the matrix, we can still remember that there are others out there. And although we may not interact with them, we can act as them. In this way we would still be together. In the case of not having access to the forum and network, this would be the only thing we could do to "interact"; continue to live what we've learned, so that maybe we may again find eachother.

Thank you for this 3D Student, reading it and listening to The Scientist really did touch a chord :)

 

[daco]

Interesting study.The core problem I see is this "people dont know themselves,their machine".And what happens when people dont know themselves?
Lies happens,they lie themselves,other people,they hole life-LIE,friendships lie,family,work all LIE.
The main problem is not knowing your own machine.
Some people dont want to have relationships,friends or they dont want to mary and reproduce becouse they want to know themselves or they see problems in that for example marriage and having kids.This kind of people exist for sure.Think about some philosophers for example.

I myself is someone who have friends and good family but no soul mate someone with who I can really TALK.In this kind of perspective I can say that I have no friends even if I have friends,paradoxicaly for sure but most forum mates will understand what I want to say.
I am interest in things that most of my friends arent philosophy for example or Gurdjieff work,Cs communication etc...And that is just one of many things.
I would rather be alone not lonely (this is two different states) than with friends that are not soul mates,with friends which finds reading boring or philosophy boring,that are interesting in BEAST called sport,that believe in God without even question it,that believe in all kinds of things without even thinking about them etc..
In my perception I would rather be alone my hole life than be with friends which are good persons but frequencies are different,I dont even know how to say it,I dont want to literally explain it.I just know that.

Someone with similiar frequencies like their is what some people are looking for in friendships.

 

[crazycharlie]

very interesting thread , thank you all..

i have two comments on this :

for myself , i have let go of all old friendships over the last
10-20 years finding no one on the same page as i am let alone the same
book ,, i am a bit older so no worries there , and as the chaos starts speeding
up .. like minded people will find each other ...so for the moment NO friendships whatsoever ...

now the other comment ... i have a daughter who is now close to 30 years old
does NOT have any friends . ( Oh yes wants them desperately )
when she was less then 6 months old i had her natal astrology report done ,
it said she would have a difficult time finding/keeping friends ....
( natal reports can help one understand oneself better )
in a few of the personal psychic readings she has done , they have told her
she was very hard on friends in a past life. ( stuck a knife in their back ? )
so i think some energies or lack of can be do to past life lessons that we now have to confront ?

 

[loreta]

How rich is reading all of you.

For myself, I just have two friends, and they live far away and they are not part of my tribe, but I love them anyway. I live with my husband and my dogs and cats and many many books, and since 12 years I can say that I haven't take a coffee with a friend, or phone one when I feel sad. Plus, I live in a village of just 20 habitants, the majority seniors. So I live alone, without friends of any kind and I know now that it is for a reason, maybe to know myself better. I love solitude and think about things, learn about new concepts, communicate via on-line (the only way now). I love this forum because you guys are really intense and human and profound. This is something I always look in people and like to see. But for now, as I told you, I live very far away from everybody but I continue to communicate, to learn, to be. Sometimes it is hard and I ask myself why? I'm sure there is a reason for that, a reason why I came here to be in a place where I can be alone with myself and learn to accept me. Here the sky is open and every night I can see the stars.

Loreta

 

[Mr. Premise]

My problem with relations between people is I have never really figured out what is the best thing to base a relationship/friendship on - common aim?, emotional attachment?, common attributes?, what really?. In my life I have been unlucky in one respect in that I have never lived in one place for more than 3 years. We always moved so I always changed houses and school everytime, even ended up moving countries. Moved from private to public school. From boarding to day school. Done the whole nine yards. So I can say that, I have no friends. Sure I have met people, made friends at school but they were so temporary, so non-consequential that it caused me to go into depression when I soon came to realise that I have nothing. What is the value of life, if it is not somehow founded on richness based on social bonds?? Now the only value I see to life, the only thing worthwhile is going after freedom from the false personality.

Sometimes I think people tend to make too much of friendship, and look for soulmates, etc., although if you find one that's great. But I would define friends as people who like each other's false personality. That makes it simpler. Then the enjoyment of being with a friend is you can relax and let your programs run a bit. It's kind of like a respite from The Work.

Then I would define Family as those who have to accept you (except for abuse or bad crimes) no matter what.

So people in a 4th way network are neither friends, nor family, since in such a network we help each other get rid of our false personality (or minimize them) and we don't accept people no matter what they do.

I have found looking back that I have had trouble when I confuse those 3 categories.

 

[daco]

But I would define friends as people who like each other's false personality.

True but this is question of "life and death",to live all life in false personality and know that or to sacrifice false personality of the benefit of who you are-soul,true self.For someone it is deppresing,sad and truly hard to know that you have friends becouse of false personality,that your false personality is what attracted your friends to you,to your false personality.If you destroy false personality I think that someone lifetime friends in most cases would just leave you becouse they would lose you,they would lose their image of what you have been,they will no longer be attracted to your false personality and becouse of that they will break up friendship.

I look it in this kind of way.Mostly,friends would leave you if you take step further and sacrifice your false personality to benefit of your true self.

 

[Maia]

See my post on dogs (and cats) being abandon at kill shelters.

Anyone out there needing a friend, go to your local animal shelter and adopt a dog or cat.

Next to my husband, my very best friend was a four legged Pointer named Odie.

He was my very best friend, didn't drive, couldn't do algebra or write an essay - but he gave me unconditional love, never betrayed me and I was really privledged to have had him for 15 short years.

He would snuggle up next to me at night as I would read.

Lay quietly at my feet while I keyboarded.

Run with abandon at the doggy park.

Investigate everything on our walks, oh he loved our walks.

Massaging him, actually brought my blood pressure down as I could feel his weary old muscles relax.

I could tell him anything and he would never betray my trust. Even if he could talk, I know he wouldn't have betrayed me.

Don't have a friend, need some love - go to your local animal shelter.

But keep in mind, adopting a "animal" is a life long commitment. Not something to be done on a whim.

And if I lost my house - I would rather be homeless than live somewhere that my dog wasn't welcomed.

My favorite Twilight Zone episode was called, "The Hunt", it's about an old hillbilly and his dog go out 'coon hunting, and after a mishap find themselves wandering along a deserted road. They encounter a stranger who seems nice enough, but the dog is more than eager to get away from him.

It turns out that the man and his dog both died. The stranger they meet is eager to let the man "in," presumably to heaven, but states that the dog can't go "inside." The hillbilly refuses, saying that anyplace that isn't good enough for his dog isn't good enough for him. The two keep walking, and encounter another young man. The young man listens to their story, then informs the hillbilly that his dog just kept him from going to hell.

 

[Bar Kochba]

I have known many of these unfortunates who cannot seem to make or keep friends. To me, it was obvious what was stopping them. They had an almost desperate desire to get a friend. The problem WAS them, their attitude, the vibe they gave off. As Gurdjieff taught, the way others react depends most times on US. If we are wallowing in dispair or self pity then this is like a repellant to others. I have been very misanthropic at times and know this to be true. It is a sad state to be in, but one that can be changed if one learns to consider externally always but internally never. OSIT