This is so painful. Living with something like that is such a burden. It's a perpetual hurt because when that program operates people treat you accordingly. I never had a good relationship because of that. I am hurt because the crap that men approach me with is so insulting and I know they wouldn't dare to do that to other women. And it's my program, my fault.
I’ve swung to and fro with this false belief of myself too. Reflecting back, the times where I was feeling like this the outer world reflected my state of being. We create a whole world of pain, not only for ourselves but everything that we come in contact with. It’s a miserable reality.
) that my thoughts about myself and the world at large create my reality.
I’m at the point where I’m pretty okay with myself. I’m also okay enough that I can change the things that I need to change to be a better person whilst still acknowledging the wonderful things I do bring into my work, community, relationships, and life. I’m not stopping to rest with those things though, I can do better and I am all the time learning more as my life gets better and better. But if I don’t acknowledge my shortcomings I’m not in a position to keep growing. I have the courage to face myself now instead of dissociating. I joyfully find things in myself to work on and improve.
Thank you for getting them down so we can read them and be inspired by your dedication to yourself.I’m at the point where I’m pretty okay with myself. I’m also okay enough that I can change the things that I need to change to be a better person whilst still acknowledging the wonderful things I do bring into my work, community, relationships, and life. I’m not stopping to rest with those things though, I can do better and I am all the time learning more as my life gets better and better. But if I don’t acknowledge my shortcomings I’m not in a position to keep growing. I have the courage to face myself now instead of dissociating. I joyfully find things in myself to work on and improve.
I vowed to myself during covid that I would relentlessly pursue self-improvement and I’ve stuck to that. I feel like constructive self criticism and is a good skill to foster. It’s like self parenting.
This is what this forum has given me. And I recognise things I have learned when participating in discussions, so thank you for the opportunity to get thoughts down
It sure is @Fluffy but it gets easier, it simply becomes one’s modus operandi. I think back to advice people here gave me and remember feeling a bit baffled. A couple of years later I understand what they were saying and how to put into action what they were saying. It’s seen me five years to feel like ive been able to take in all the feedback I received. There are still a couple of books that were recommended still to read.Self remembering moment to moment is a big task, being able to see behind the curtains of our individual stories takes courage. Taking action to change is never ending, but doing it with love and grace makes the ride smoother
Something else to consider about these types of thoughts, and I'm not picking you out here Fluffy, it's just that you were the one to say it, this goes for all of us; seeing ourselves as horrible, disgusting, unlovable, etc. is the other side of the "I'm so special" coin. It's still making it all about ourselves, how nobody is as horrible or disgusting or unlovable as I am. It's still making us oh so special as no one suffers as much as I do type of thing.
Oh yeah I know that coin, wallowing around in self pity is as self important as thinking I was the second coming of the messiah, I’ve done both. What I noticed in these special states is that nothing moves, I can’t learn, I’m blinded and bound up by the story I’m telling, creating a contractile reality for myself and no one wants anything to do with me because I’m so busy serving my own agenda that I have nothing to give. I was either too high above everyone, or too low below to have any meaningful connections with anyone or anything.
I have a teenage son.
Hi Pat you and your son will be in my thoughts and prayers
, I remember over the years encountering family members , close friends who were in self harming behaviours etc , most of them were not or hadn’t gotten to a place where they were desperate or ready to help themselves so my attempt to try and help/assist fell by the wayside- it’s a tough and painful call not being able assist someone who is destroying themselves through ignorance and harm… I remember a mentor of mine sharing with me on this area, as I had asked him what can I do to help themselves? He said “ best way to help is to help yourself by doing your spiritual practice , detaching with love and prayers , once we are no longer trying to control the other person we are out of the way and give them the space to do whatever they’re going to do , that’s how you can support and heal them and when they reach rock bottom we can then offer them supportive feedback/ guidance that probably won’t fall on deaf ears!”
the last few years of my active addiction was lonely homeless and desperate part of that process was catylised by family joining self help groups where they learnt to detach and get on with their own lives rather than getting totally preoccupied on another’s behaviours thus putting their life development on hold ., I m convinced that them letting go of me in that way enabled me to reach rock bottom much quicker.when I was truly ready and asked for help they were there for me and supported me activel in that process
Thank you very much for your advice @EmeraldR about letting him go his way.Hi Pat you and your son will be in my thoughts and prayers
Certainly in my own journey I didn’t get into rehab/recovery /complete abstinence from mood altering substances etc until I really deep down had reached desperation / rock bottom circumstances that was when I was 26 years old, I’ve been clean 37 years one day at a time
Thank you for your message of support. Will try to distance myself from him and work on myself.
