How are you feeling?

Wow Evan, what an ordeal. Glad you recovered so quickly and I hope it continues until you feel all good again!
Many thanks for sharing, this is an important part of what Networking means.

If you ever need prayers or healing thoughts, we have a dedicated group in the FOTCM section for just that. Let us know and we'll add you. Big hugs :hug2:
 
Sorry to hear this Evan, jeez what an experience. Keep us posted once you’ve seen your pain management doctor- I hope they are able to help you with a more suitable medication. I wish you a speedy recovery and I’ll keep you in my prayers.
:hug:
 
Wow Evan, what an ordeal. Glad you recovered so quickly and I hope it continues until you feel all good again!
Many thanks for sharing, this is an important part of what Networking means.

If you ever need prayers or healing thoughts, we have a dedicated group in the FOTCM section for just that. Let us know and we'll add you. Big hugs :hug2:
Thank you for that @Alana! It’s a fine line to walk between networking and being self-indulgent, and I try to be thoughtful in that regard. So thank you again!

And gratitude to everyone for the prayers and well wishes! They make it worth sharing what would anywhere else be far too personal! I really do have mad love for this place and its community!
 
I have a confession. With all the reading I’ve done here and The Wave Series and everything, I’ve gotten pretty comfortable with the concept of death. However now that I’m seriously ill (decompensated liver disease), I’m finding myself weeping at the thought that all of the memories I have will evaporate. Those memories of my parents and what keeps them alive, for example. My old friend Karl, who played piano in our band, and died. I’m the only person who has heard his songs, his voice. I feel like I know and have done and seen so much. And when I’m gone, so all of that will be. That makes me incredibly sad. I have no family, no children. All of my family photos will end up in a garbage bin. Over. Gone. I don’t mind going. But the idea of all that getting erased breaks my heart.My third grade teacher still lives a five minute walk away from my house. She still vividly remembers me as an eight year old boy in her very first class. I still live in the same town I lived in since I was two. A lot of people know my name and recognize me on the street “Hey Ev, still playing in the band?” Every time. But they don’t have my memories. The erasure of my knowledge. My life. That’s making this harder than I ever imagined. I thought dying would be easy. Who knows? I might get another few awful, sick, painful years of doctors and nurses. Or maybe tonight I’ll just pass.

Anyway it’s a mess. I’m sorry for being a mess. I know this thread asks the question, but I don’t mean to turn it into a wailing rag. I’m just profoundly sad today. My pain management doctor gave me Hydromorphone (Dilauded) pills, and I can’t stand them. I had to quit on day three, and call him, telling him “Take them back. Find something else. I can’t take this.” Now I’m just sitting here in pain, feeling broken and needing to tell someone. You’re all I have, and I’m really glad you’re here! All of you. Hey @Gaby I got my DMSO cream! So mission accomplished!

Thanks for being here you guys!
 
(..)
Anyway it’s a mess. I’m sorry for being a mess. I know this thread asks the question, but I don’t mean to turn it into a wailing rag. I’m just profoundly sad today.
Evan, I can't imagine what it's like to be in your situation. I have a condition where I've experienced many types of pain, and it's undoubtedly very exhausting, the instigating mind becomes very intense and takes control. Of course, you have every right to be sad... I can only tell you not to let yourself be overwhelmed. There are always moments like this that you have to let pass and not get caught up in. Perhaps the physical pain is your excuse to help you drain that deep fear you talk about...
Today's doubts and darkness may seem silly in the light of tomorrow... I wish you the best, and take care.
 
Really sorry to hear @Evan.
I believe that is part of the lessons we have to learn here on 3D, attachment. Attachment to people, things, souvenirs...
I am right now in my bed thinking about tomorrow and trying to understand how i would feel if I loose my son (dreadful circumstances happened today, out of my hand) .
I have learnt that I am not responsible for his choices, that I shouldn't decide/plan for his life.
Also that The Cosmic Mind has plans for him which I can't comprehend.

The Cs reiterated many times that there are no losses just lessons to learn.
Sometimes, when for a few seconds, I can grab and hold the concept in my mind, I feel light, free and happy and then sadly I fall back to my 3D thinking and fear.

I wish you lots of strength, not in holding on to things but strength to release everything which is holding on to you.
Nothing else but "all there is, is lesson "
Take good care of yourself.
Good night
 
Thanks for that, both of you. Non-attachment to things I can live with. It’s just me being melancholic. I’m not letting it overwhelm me. I think experiencing sadness is a lesson in itself. I’m trying to observe myself objectively: “It’s crying now. It’s sad about these things disappearing with it.” But inside my machine, things are really off. It’s like I’m in an aquarium. Everywhere I hear whooshing like I’m under water. I don’t know if I should go to the hospital. My blood pressure is normal, but these audio hallucinations are making me feel detached. It’s like my machine is floating in a version of my home. I’m wandered around like Ozzy, walking offline with my hands searching for the walls. I’m just not entirely convinced I’m here. I’m having a bad acid trip without the acid. My gait is wonky. I feel drunk. Could my ammonia levels be getting too high again? If that were the case I wouldn’t be able to type. I’d be altered. But I’m still here. I’m not scared or anything. Just kind of in a wonderment. It’s all kinds of weird and strange.
 
Hey Ev, words, experiences and knowledge that you've shared here will still be recorded.

Also, perhaps, when you feel better you could also think about a blog where you'd store your memories, photos and history? If it gets too difficult to type, you could record your voice and have AI transcribe it. At some point the blog content could be turned into a book... Maybe that would lift your mood, having a mission often helps. Just an idea, FWIW.

Wishing you strength and healing. Don't lose faith, future is open.
 
Better to err on the side of caution if you feel any worse, especially if you are alone and have no one to call an ambulance for you. :hug2:
Well I’m sure if I start to seize or something crazy, Wendy will call or stuff me in the car. The very difficult truth is that the meds they gave (the Hydromorphone) really did a number on me. I was a real asshole, and I’m afraid that I blew up or beautiful life. She hasn’t talked to me since the other night, but she said she’s leaving. Now I’m just sitting here trying to figure out if that’s really going to happen, or she’s cooling off. I don’t want to be alone in this house we spent so much time and money furnishing together. Our entire lives are here. I can’t keep paying the rent on my disability, and there’s nowhere and no one who’s can or will help me move out and put my things into storage. And store it for what? My guitars and amps, my music recordings. I can only hope Wendy will change her mind. But right now I’m just crashing. I’m just trying to breathe through it and not let it break me. I’m sorry. I should stop. I’m just making a lot of noise right now.
 
Well I’m sure if I start to seize or something crazy, Wendy will call or stuff me in the car. The very difficult truth is that the meds they gave (the Hydromorphone) really did a number on me. I was a real asshole, and I’m afraid that I blew up or beautiful life. She hasn’t talked to me since the other night, but she said she’s leaving. Now I’m just sitting here trying to figure out if that’s really going to happen, or she’s cooling off. I don’t want to be alone in this house we spent so much time and money furnishing together. Our entire lives are here. I can’t keep paying the rent on my disability, and there’s nowhere and no one who’s can or will help me move out and put my things into storage. And store it for what? My guitars and amps, my music recordings. I can only hope Wendy will change her mind. But right now I’m just crashing. I’m just trying to breathe through it and not let it break me. I’m sorry. I should stop. I’m just making a lot of noise right now.

It's not noise, my friend. I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. A debilitating illness, a potential breakup and maybe death - that you're feeling sad in the face of such an intense storm is perfectly natural and normal. Share all you need to - no one is judging you. Our success and efficiency oriented culture is both emotionally dead and death-phobic, and the result is that many of us are grief-illiterate. We know very little about loss, about death, about grief. So it's okay to feel what you're feeling right now - especially with the new medication throwing things off. It's not easy being in 3D.

I found that the most important thing for me at times like this to dip into the IFS approach - to practice a kind of radical acceptance of what I'm feeling. It has been really helpful for me during really difficult times to have a guide to help me process:


In the vid, Schwartz talks about his own revelation process as a therapist. A client was involved in self-harm, and he tried to forcibly remove the emotional 'part' of the psyche who was involved with cutting. The client returned to the next session with even more self-inflicted wounds. The psyche had reacted to his aggressive approach. He realized he was hurting people in a therapy based on denial. I think a lot of us do this to ourselves.

This lead him to develop the idea that there are 'no bad parts' - each emotional-mental complex is there for a reason and serves an important function for a time. Accepting these 'bad parts' is what allows us to transcend them. Full acceptance of all our parts - in particular the shadowy ones that we were trained to reject - is the aim.

When the difficult parts of our psyche are honoured and listened to, they can transform from controlling or constricting forces to supportive and encouraging ones. It can result in some really profound experiences of emotional healing.

The video finishes with a brief meditative exercise, where he leads participants through the process. Perhaps it may be of some assistance to you right now.

And remember - the ripples you've made here will never truly fade. As a living being, as a Soul incarnated, you are interwoven into the fabric of All and Everything. Death doesn't change that. You've undoubtedly added your own unique notes to the crazy, beautiful harmony of Love, Light and Knowledge that we call living. That song never fades, and neither will you.

From Stephen Jenkinson's book Die Wise:

“What does it take to get us to stand quietly, like somebody under a clear midnight sky, taking all of it in, stilled by the staggering pitch and pull of life? Things going well doesn’t seem to help with this. Good fortune isn’t persuasive on this matter, and it rarely gives people pause. It’s when the news isn’t good news; that’s usually the time you find the limits of what you can bear to know. Then, maybe only then, you might be able to see that the waves of what you believed and did and held off from doing will still have their ripples, long after you’re done. They outlast you. And this is tremendous news. When you are still enough for long enough, sometimes the river, the boat, and the waves and eddies—all of it—can turn into what you mean when you say, “My Life.” If you can do that, you can change things. Your life becomes a little friendlier to the world, to what the world needs from you. It becomes a little friendlier to the endings of things too.”

I hope you can find that sense of something 'a little friendlier' as all this unfolds.
 
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