How are you feeling?

[Possibility of Being]

Now I’m just sitting here trying to figure out if that’s really going to happen, or she’s cooling off. I don’t want to be alone in this house we spent so much time and money furnishing together. Our entire lives are here.

Sitting there is not going to help anyone. Go and kneel in front of her and apologize. Really apologize. And apologize again. If you love her.

 

[Evan]

Sitting there is not going to help anyone. Go and kneel in front of her and apologize. Really apologize. And apologize again. If you love her.

She’s sleeping. Truth be told I’ve done it a thousand times. She doesn’t want to hear me talk right now. I wrote her the following the morning after:

My Dearest,

In a life where every day is the same as the last, and the next, I am grateful. I’m grateful for the sight of you sleeping in your bed, the sound of your little waking chattering with the baby (our cat), and for the first daily sight of your smile. Without those things, this life, with its pain, its illness, its mundane day to day sameness, there is no light. There is only sadness and surrender. I’m so deeply remorseful of my many fatal flaws; so very despairing of the pain they bring to you; the hurtful impact upon your life and spirit. I cannot ask for forgiveness or beg for yet another chance to be someone I’ve repeatedly proven incapable of becoming. I can only hope that you will know, beneath it all, that my love for you is and always has been as real and true as anything I’ve ever believed in. The idea that you’re prepared to go is something that I cannot express in words. I can only hope, not ask, but hope that you’ll find a way to move forward without moving away. Not from me. Please, my sweet, don’t let me push you away until I’m in the dark. Please let there be some other way to stay in the light with you.

 

[forest_light]

Hey Evan. Just take some slow breaths, brother.
Whatever will be, will be, it's how you use your time and experience to be in the present moment and continue to remain present (not catastrophising) and go with the flow, in tandem with the awareness that comes from within. You and Wendy are both hurting deeply, trying to cope with the current situation and there is great overwhelm for you both; this situation has been very challenging for you both for a long time. This woman loves you, otherwise I feel she would have bailed long ago.

It's late at night where you are. You are probably pretty exhausted after your medication episode and all these powerful emotions and worrying. I think it would help to focus on getting as much rest and balance as possible in terms of your own mind, what is happening within yourself, get the wheels in your head to slow down and try your hardest to stop catastrophising. I know it's not easy, but you are digging a very deep hole for yourself and it will be harder to clamber out of that later.

This too, dear brother, shall pass.

Was thinking, could you do one of Laura's meditations just to help ground and centre yourself, get your breath and heart rate as calm as possible? Might help you sleep (and receive some guidance in your dreams if you ask for it?)

I’m finding myself weeping at the thought that all of the memories I have will evaporate.

As a soul, every single thing you have experienced/done/said/thought etc is witnessed and recorded beyond this reality. You are seen in ways you cannot even begin to dream of, in terms of seeing and knowing yourself. Nothing about your experiences/memories will evaporate (even though there may be some things you might even feel you wanted to erase!) . How do you think that when we pass back into our more expanded state when we transition, our soul gets to review/re-experience not only our own journey and actions but also (just as importantly) the perspective of other souls we have connected/interacted with? (positive / negative).

And as others have shared here, you are connected to many souls you have connected with through your life, as well as through this beautiful tribe; you are seen, you are loved and witnessed - not only by souls here, but also by those beyond this realm. Much of what you worry about and hyper focus on will likely seem very unimportant when you are finally in a more expanded state, but for now, while in your 3D body, this is the only 'reality' you can - on a practical level - give your attention to, for the most part. So, I gently encourage you to make that attention count, as best you can - under these very trying circumstances.

Right now you are hurting powerfully on a multitude of levels and struggling to see what comes next, frantically flailing around and REALLY stressing yourself out. Those meds haven't helped and the fallout has been pretty shocking for you both; that's hard for you and it's also really hard for Wendy to witness and cope with.

Take loving action to care for yourself, Evan. If you feel you need medical support (it kinda sounds like it), please reach out.
You deserve powerful support.

Pain does terrible things to us - in turn we can do and say terrible things.
But that is not the truth of WHO we are.



A gentle hug to you...
and prayers of light-love-knowledge to support you, as you journey forward.

 

[naorma]

During the last 2 weeks I did not feel well. I was suffering from this "problem":


But today when cleaning up my pictures on the laptop I found this one which cheered me up!

 

[Gaby]

I’m seriously ill (decompensated liver disease),

My pain management doctor gave me Hydromorphone (Dilauded) pills, and I can’t stand them.

Hello Evan,

I know it feels very real for you, but consider that morphine is discouraged in decompensated liver disease because its metabolism is in the liver, and it crosses readily the blood brain barrier. It's like having a bad trip on steroids. It's like someone pushed your buttons to the maximum.

Drink some vitamin C to help detox. Your thoughts and feelings might gain perspective.

 

[Arwenn]

I’m sorry to hear about these issues, it’s been a rough few days for you Evan. There are some lovely replies above, I just wanted to second trying to repair the situation with Wendy without any attachment to the outcome.

Think what can you do actively this time to ensure that things will be different. And then do them. It may be a work in progress, but the effort to change will be noticed. Keep on networking and hang in there- we are here for you.

 

[Nienna]

I’m finding myself weeping at the thought that all of the memories I have will evaporate.

I'm not sure in which way you meant this. Do you mean that you will forget all of the memories you have now when you pass, or that nobody else will have your memories of others that you have? If the former, who says that you won't continue to have those memories when you pass. I'm pretty sure you will retain those memories.

If the latter, then share those memories with everyone you can. As was mentioned before, start a blog of substack and share them there.

Anyway it’s a mess. I’m sorry for being a mess.

I'm sorry that after everything else you have gone through you are going through this. Maybe it has to do with the med they had you on and you stopped. Take Gaby's advice and get some vitamin C in you. And not just a few milligrams. Take as much as you can tolerate.

I don’t know if I should go to the hospital.

If you are feeling this bad, then I would say, yes, go to the hospital.

As for Wendy, I'd take Possibility of Being's advice if I were you.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, Evan.

 

[T.C.]

Hi Evan. I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through and how you’re feeling. But where have you gotten this idea from that everything you experienced and all your memories will be lost?

 

[Don Cesar]

@Evan, thoughts, prayers and strength for you my friend.

 

[Chu]

Poor Evan! Hang in there! Go to the hospital if you need to, and communicate with Wendy if you can! Regardless of the outcome she chooses, it's good to do so.

Do you have a good treatment going forward?

 

[seve]

@evan,Your situation sums up the drama of the human condition. You are in the eye of the storm and everything is in turmoil. Hold on to your spiritual knowledge; this is the moment when we must surpass ourselves and defy suffering. My heart goes out to you. And also, I really like your sense of humor! After the storm, I hope there will be the calm of a clear Californian sky.

 

[bianca etezete]

@Evan your note to Wendy almost made me cry. I really pray and hope she stays with you!

 

[Evan]

Well it’s quiet here now. There was talking. I listened. Then I said what I was feeling. Wendy, who I’ve known and loved for 35 years feels trapped in our house and that at any moment, I’m going to be the reason we lose it. She not only doesn’t feel loved, she thinks that I don’t like her. A week ago, she was saying “my husband” when talking to the folks at the hospital. Now, she’s not even willing to call us friends. Just two people stuck living together. Naturally, I feel like my heart is dying, but at least we’re two people stuck living together, and two people living together can become friends. So I’ll take what I can get.

 

[Chu]

Wendy, who I’ve known and loved for 35 years feels trapped in our house and that at any moment, I’m going to be the reason we lose it. She not only doesn’t feel loved, she thinks that I don’t like her.

Why would she think you would be the reason that you lose the house? And what, if anything, do you think you can do to prove to her that you love her? You don't have to answer here if it's too personal, but I sincerely encourage you to keep communicating (and especially listening), reading books, working things out, etc. And I hope that your health improves very soon!

 

[Evan]

Well @Chu , she’s worried that my behavior will be overheard by the owner who rents the place to us. We have one of four tiny cottages that occupy the space of a single family home, so it’s very intimate. Everybody hears everything. Fortunately two of them are empty for refurbishing at the moment. For years the owner was an old man who lived a few miles away and only showed up on the first. But he died a few years ago and now his daughter is the owner and she lives on site. These cottages were built by her grandfather 100 years ago, so they have virtually no sound insulation. The EMTs carrying me out on a gurney is a neighborhood event.

Additionally, there’s still the terminal illness thing that’s hanging over my head, and without Wendy I really don’t possess the will to put up a fight, or rally. I have no one to fight for. I’m exhausted all the time. And since this most recent week in the hospital I still feel like I’m under water. I feel drunk and dizzy. My equilibrium is shot. It takes every ounce of energy just to get off the couch and walk ten paces to the bathroom. Last night I fell asleep on the toilet for an entire hour until Wendy woke me up. My head is swimming in echoes. I have an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday.

I’m just really mentally drained and physically exhausted. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without this community. The loneliness would otherwise be crushing. I go to add an emoji, and the first thing that comes up on my phone are stickers of my baby picture and Wendy’s. It’s heartbreaking. My whole life is surrounded with reminders that it’s built brick by brick into somebody else’s. But you’re still here, so I can keep talking.