HI i want to reply to the post by arwenn. Your quote from the blog mailmandelivers explains everything about me from A to Z. Iam trying to figure out all these years what is the disorder iam facing. why is it that iam always saying yes to everything , why can i say no, why cant i say i love You, why is that for gods sake i cant be honest even with myself. a million questions are unanswered.
thank You . now i finally have a word for the disorder. Allow me to say something about myself. At present iam living as an expat in Poland.Male 28 y.o. No family, no girl friend. I came here 6 years ago and am working in a logistics company. in the next verse allow me to say about my family.
My mother is a college teacher. she was raised in a very opressive family. She and me are from India. i was living there for 22 years until i finally decided to escape home because i didnt know what to do with myself. Back to my mother, she was not allowed to play outside home with boys , she was very passionate but was not given a chance to mingle with anyone because she was a girl...Her parents were over protective. To this day they say to me ' We gave Your mother a great childhood. Look she is even a reputed college teacher now. If we would have let her loose she would have probably escaped with some guy and would have married a guy of her choice. Now we found her the right partner and she is happy' When i heard that i didn't say anything. i was pissed and told them they did a bad job raising a woman and they should have given her more peace and happiness. they refused to acknowledge me.
My dad is a kind guy. but to this date is passive aggressive. My dad felt fear in the presence of my mother. he would not show it. but would escape when i needed something. We had quarrels in our home, probably like in every family. But my mother overpowered him in every possible way. To this day when i talk with my parents over Skype my father cannot sit for not longer than 5 minutes with my mother and talk to me. My father would put the table far away from my mother so that my mother is visible on the video screen and half of my dad is visible. coincidence You say.. ok.
My mother was very demanding emotionally. i remember when i was 12 , one day i felt very sad and i faked that i have an injury at school just to see my mother . my teachers called my mother and she came immediately came back from job to home and was crying profusely at the first sight of seeing me. She hugged me and started smothering me. In someway i felt good but was scared by her overpowering attitude. i will never forget that feeling .but in normal day to day life she is scary and would have no time for me . She would attend to calls and talk to colleagues. only chats we have are probably quarrels or some other non important shit.when i go to my father to ask if he wants to go get ice cream he would say no. it was so hard. i never got the love i deserved. the funniest thing of all is no body outside of the family see it. they all see a fully functioning family. i was outside beating kids, killing small kittens and stealing money from my friend's homes. All to get out my anxiety and frustration out on someone. this continued till i was 18 years old. then i started cleaning my act. probably this is where i started becoming passive aggressive. i don't know. a hint perhaps
My brother on the other hand would get love from mother. because he was the first child. he would demand something (like a PC, a new watch, 5 dollars on something and after some quarreling my dad would give in , because mom took the side of my brother). my dad hated brother for that. but now they are goods friends. 27 years later. my dad and mother wants me to be a good kid, dad tells me ' keep in touch with your brother. because he is family' i don't have stable contact with my brother but all i remember is him saying when i was a kid was 'fuck off' or telling to his friends 'my brother is a weirdo'. now he gives me advice. he says to me . ' We should take care of mother and father. they did so much for us'
i feel so guilty with all this rant, i honestly still don't know if i'am holding grudges against my family. i wished they loved me or something.
i wish also i could hold a relationship more than a week with a women. i wish i would not ditch every women who i meet. its so sad. i cant show anger. i hold it all inside. in the outside i'am so optimistic, helping and caring.the door mat. inside i feel pessimism and anger. why dont anything work. where should i start.
can anyone help me.? iam not going to psychologist. coz i dont have money. iam not saying a psychologist cant help me. but i think i will pay for 10 12 visits and what next? i will be healed nah....
i am independent now. i hold a job but iam still afraid of getting up early and going to job. i live with a friend from college who still takes care of me and give me advice. sometimes they say(my friend and his wife) that i'am a baby at heart still. i don't know what to do.anyone can relate to this from their childhood.?please return to me with Your thoughts :) thank YOU :P
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