Life with Passive aggressive Personality Disorder

[Arwenn]

I know this post was created a couple of years ago but Arwenn...
If you ever read this again- I wish I could give you a huge hug. I went through a horrific relationship with a man and I have spent about a year now trying to put the pieces together for my own sanity. I have taken medications, I have paid hundreds to find "answers" in doctors and therapists as to what has been wrong with me and if the demise of one of the most painful relationship was actually my fault. Like you, I looked into narcissism, bipolar, sociopathic, psychopathic, avoidant love personality types and they do have some aspects that I could recognize in my ex, but nothing, NOTHING has covered all the aspects I have been searching for for so long like this post has mentioned.
I am never one for playing victim but I almost married this man and gave him EVERYTHING and abuse was what I received in return. I am a sensitive, kind, loving soul and he didn't like that. He wanted me to be rigid like him and to never ask for anything. I am only the victim because I allowed it and now I have been one year away from him but I knew there was something else going on here. And now I know....and now I can formally heal.
Putting this information out for the world was such a kind thing for you to do- and just like the end of your post said- you just helped another person who has suffered through a similar situation as you. I finally feel like I can sleep and rest easy knowing that it wasn't me. I have tears typing this...oh the freedom I feel...
Arwenn I hope that your situation has reached a much better place and that you and your children are happy and healthy and that you've even found some real love in your life from a man whose worthy of your love.
You're an angel....Thank you!!

Thank you for your kind words, and I'm glad that my post has been of help to you Survivor! It truly is a liberating feeling knowing that it was all their crap, and not you. I hope you can finally heal, and focus on rebuilding and repairing yourself.

In my case, my ex doesn't have much to do with the kids, for which I am very grateful, as he would have played the same games with them as he did with me. I often have conversations with them about character disordered behaviour and personalities, and also the subject of psychopathy. I am currently reading Women Who Love Psychopaths by Sandra Brown, and it makes for one very interesting insight into why women in particular, tend to be vulnerable to these predators, and just how they operate. If you aren't aware of these things, it's hard to protect yourself.

As for me, while life has been hard, it's a relief not having him in my life. And sure, I would like to meet a man who is co-linear, as so many of us on this forum would, but for now, I just focus on being a better person, and raising my kids. I have a close male friend and we've seen each other through some tough times, but he is not co-linear, and I think of him more as a friend than anything else. Aside from being a bit wary, I know that I have much work to do on myself and if in the process I meet someone, well and good. If not, it's just going to be me and myself, I guess.

There are some books specific to character disordered people like my ex that make a really fascinating study into the subject: books by Dr. George Simon (In Sheep's Clothing and Character Disturbance). Well worth a read, and there are threads here on the forum, with excerpts from these books.

If you would like to continue to interact and post in the forum, then it is customary to introduce yourself in the Newbies section - just a little blurb about yourself and how you found your way here. You will find many kind souls here all working to help each other and a treasure trove of information. Thank you once again for your kind thoughts, & I'm glad that posting about my ordeal has been of help to others. Welcome here Survivor and wishing you all the best!

 

[Lorean]

Sorry to post my story here but i need advice from ladies who knows how PA men behave. I have been searching all over internet trying to find if passive agressive men try to get you back after you break up with them becuase they promise to do something , never do it and always give excuse treating you like a stupid that wil forget about it just by lending time past, and changing subjects, or just answer in an elusive way when you talk about the problem.

I was dating a passive agressive guy, he pursued the relationship with me, i agreed to be together with the condition he must do one thing, he said of course no problem. He had been giving me excuses not to do it 2 months, at first i believed his excuses then start realicing there were just that... Excuses.
We had many fights ( well just me spelling my gut an he changing subjects, saying he was gonna sleep and the next day acting as if nothing happened and everything was ok, if i tried to make him talk he will answer with something irrelevant).
I told him i was breaking up a few times, and he was begging me not to, he will do what i ask for , change whatever. But never did the thing i said it was a condition to be together.

We stopped talking for a week, then met to talk things out but he did not want to talk just kiss me and act as everything was fine, if i bringed up the problem he jut said: aha and talked about irrelevant things. I told him i was leaving and that i did not want to be with him anymore. He wanted to stop me then i said: ok do this thing you have promised you will do as soon as i had a relationship with you, do it now.
And he told me he would do it TOMORROW... I told him why if he could do it in that moment and he told me: Because i dont want to.

I left and went home wrotte him on whatsapp that he has lie to me all along and i had been good to him, that i knew he was ungry because y went out with my friends but i did it because he doesnt do that one thing.. He replied very elusively and been online all night without opening my conversation.

Next day he asked me whether i still wanted to be with him or if i did not want him in my life anymore, that he is tired of fighting all the time. I told him i dont want a relationship if he does not do what i have ask for.

Next day he wrotte to me : hi sweety, how are you? i answered: fine, he said :ok ....and have not heard from him in a week.

I have deletedhim from my whatsapp contact list today, so he will see i have delete him.

This time he is not trying to keep me as other times he just dissapeared..
As i cant find any information about how passive agressives handles a break up or of they normally try to get you back.. Could you ladies who have been with a PA lend me know if i should expect this PA guy to try to comebak with me, or if PA men never comeback after a break up?

Thanks very much.

Thanks very much :)

 

[Nienna]

Hi Lorean, welcome to the forum. :)

We recommend that you introduce yourself in the Newbies Section of the forum. Just a bit about yourself, your interests, how you found the forum, so that we can get to know you a bit.

That said, I'd like to recommend a few of books for you to read:

How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before you get Involved by Sandra Brown.

Women Who Love Psychopaths also by Sandra Brown

Character Distrubance by George K. Simon

These will give you a lot of information about the pathologies of others and how to, hopefully, see them before becoming close to them.

 

[Laura]

Also, if you are just here for info about PAs, I'm sure some of those with experience will chime in.

My experience was that they will try passive aggressive ways to get you back like being sick or getting injured but if those don't work, they will pretty quickly find someone else to be their momma/doormat.

 

[Aliana]

Also, if you are just here for info about PAs, I'm sure some of those with experience will chime in.

My experience was that they will try passive aggressive ways to get you back like being sick or getting injured but if those don't work, they will pretty quickly find someone else to be their momma/doormat.

My sense is that he is playing you because that is just fun for him. I agree with what Laura said; if you don't respond to his latest gambit, he may come back a few times and try other tricks to pull you back in. But, once he realizes that his games are no longer working, he will look for another easier mark.

It sounds like you are concerned that he might try something nasty as a payback for dropping him. Has he ever done anything specific to you or acted in ways that made you think he is likely to get ugly? Unless he has given some prior indications of having an undercurrent of nastiness, he may just disappear once he finally realizes you aren't willing to play that game.

 

[Perri475]

Reading the OP had my jaw dropped the entire time. A lot of the actions described are things I have battled/still battling with. I'm coming to terms with the fact that a lot of the ''pain'' I experience is a projection of the hurt caused by my father onto anyone my ego sees fit. It paints a problem onto something that has nothing to do with it which causes confusion to everyone involved.

The sense of entitlement ingrained by this narcissism feels completely foreign to me now, but it's always in the back of my head waiting to explode at any random moment. For me, it's a blessing that these impulses-so to say-have turned into response(s) that feel completely ''foreign'' to how I wish to treat others. Reading about ''programs'' has helped me deal with these conflicting feelings (Treating someone in a passive aggressive manner makes me hate myself, but hating myself for my actions implies to me that they are not my own actions but rather my free will giving into external influence), but disconnecting for observation is FAR from my reach or at least it seems so..

I want to change and am working on doing so, but I feel I need help.. Reading through the experience of other's solidified this yearning for change even more, but ''in the moment'' I feel so unprepared and prone to slipping up. The fact is that these impulses feeling foreign to me is hardly beneficial if I'm still implementing the response of these impulses. When don't succeed I know what I'm doing is wrong, but just knowing alone isn't enough. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated (I hope this wall of text isn't out of place. I truly want to better myself).

In the meantime I've been focusing on honesty. Whether it be honesty in day to day interactions (yes i can/am able to do this v. saying I can out of self-imposed obligation when I am not in a position to or just don't want to do ''it'') or acknowledging I was acting wrong after the fact (getting defensive over nothing etc).

p.s. To anyone who was in a relationship with someone who suffers from PAPD, I'm very sorry for what you had to go through. Your experiences shined some much needed light on the gravity of my potential actions

 

[Celena Johnson]

Thank you arwenn (hope i spelled that right ) for this post. I just got out of a relationship and reading that dealings with those that have papd or its symptoms
Can have one feeling like they can do no good or make theit partner happy...i was slippers and reminded for three years of that fact. My problems were always pushed off, i mainly fealt guilty express them; he always had some sadness or issue. Anywho knowledge protects and this post opened my eyes to the true dynamic of our relationship as i discussed in my post FEELING LIKE A WEIGHT HAS BEEN LIFTED. He broke up with me for being heartless as he accused...been feeling positive and strong since the break up. I feel like me and i was so drained for 3 years and now i am beginning to understand why

Thank you

 

[Chilly]

I have lost the job I Love, all of my friends, my family, and my mind. I couldn’t explain to anyone what I was experiencing and after I lost my mind, people started to avoid me. All except my brother. I found this article on PA because I was trying to improve “my communication’s skills, “ convinced that it must be all me, my inability to communicate, and my anger. I started to research how to communicate and low and behold I discovered there were different styles....I was astonished to find my husbands “exact” personality under Passive Agressive communication style. I don’t like words like exact and I hate because they seem so harsh but when I state “exact” here in this forum I couldn’t be more comfortable using it. I want to offer up this letter in hopes of finding answers or words of wisdom to help me in becoming the person I once was. Oddly enough my husband has become more like I use to be only I don’t think it’s sincere. Anyway, I love my husband only I cannot say I know that to be true anymore. I do know I love him as much as all humans should be loved because they are humans. And because of that General love I offer all living things I’m stuck in what seems like thickets of hope. And this letter he wrote me both haunts me and offers me hope. How did I get here I wish I could wake up to find my husband had been hidden away and has finally found a way out.
The same goes for me I suppose.

-I am writing you today because I feel like I am lost. I don't know who I have become. I am ashamed by my actions and my way of thinking. I know I harbor anger and mistrust like I have never done before. I am aware of it happening but seem lost in the the ability to control or stop it. Every time an opportunity presents itself I seem to throw a rock and run away. I can't pretend to offer any reason for knowing why I do this and any attempt to justify it is a cheap attempt to hide my inadequacy. I do not posses the skills or knowledge to diffuse the simplest of situations. I react uncontrollably with the desire to fight any perceived slight or grievance. I argue for the sake of argument. hurt for the sake of inflicting pain and run from most difficult situations that might expose me. I do not know how to get along with myself yet alone the one person I love the most in the world. I need help and I know it yet I don't know how to ask for it. I keep hoping that you might be able to rescue me even tho I pretend to want to rescue you. I can't imagine or work this far being wasted because I act so childishly sometimes. I am sorry for all the hurt I have caused am causing and will cause . I love you.

-who am I?