Maybe you can start by writing the invasive thoughts down, a list of them, and analyze their reality, likability and so on.
Sorry for the long, but this is what has come out based on writing about the invasive thoughts.
I really only have two invasive thoughts right now. And they both relate to
money and guilt, not resentment as I thought it might be because of what I described later.
usually a reason that makes having them in your life more of a priority than safety, because they represent something specific you yearn for, perhaps. And it's your task to discover what that is.
1. Money, because I need economic stability as I mentioned earlier. I long for work, I long for stability, not because of the false sense of security, it's because that's the way the world works. If my parents or I get sick, what will they take care of us with? do I give myself to understand? what did I want from them? that they paid me for my job and nothing more to also get ahead like them, were in a sense a motivation, not an envy. Whether his methods were questionable is another voice.
The security was that I could not stay out of work and they were my only option because curiously I left a job, my mother got sick. I didn't choose them, at least not consciously. They chose me through other people who related to me just for keeping me close because of my abilities and nothing else. My mom had an operation a few months ago. Life sent her help through a person and she was hospitalized in a public hospital because we don't have money for a clinic. What do I long for?... to have a work network like they have, with the difference that I don't want it based on manipulation. To have her will I have to choose to be STS completely to get things as easy as them?... could it be that the purpose of all of this with the comment that they said, "you need be more evil"? a little more and all that was left was to pull out a red lightsaber or get me a contract signed with fire (laughs).
2. Guilt, because if I had not defended my position objectively against these predators and continued to put up with their whims and abuses, I would be "fine" financially.
"I should have stayed quiet and it wouldn't be bad today." that's what those thoughts whisper to me.
I felt afraid when I said what I thought and it affected me out of "respect", because I thought I owed them something for the opportunity to work with these people, until I became aware.
At the time I used to feel a deep hatred because it made me feel miserable that precisely the people who most depend on others, the most parasitic people, who depend on manipulating others, on lying to them, on betraying in life, were the ones who underestimated and used me. Judge me by the thoughts and unrealistic in their minds about my for not only fulfill their whims, etc, after having sacrificed so much time on their work that I even had a back pain for a year that he could not sit, lie down or stand for a long time, it was not fair. But this world favors them, so accepted, internalized, integrated and overcome.
These are scurvy thoughts! because I am not so weak to let myself be dragged down by something that I know I did the right thing and in favor of my destiny at the time. That I no longer have the comfort of making money fast? so be it, I will work 5 times more on my own, that's what I decided to sacrifice to take the reins from my responsibility and control.
Why should I feel bad about something like that?
And regarding gait and posture, I believe Adriane Raine in the Anatomy of Violence spoke about how criminals pick their victims by their walk and attitude, they seek weakness primarily.
As for the postures, it is not the main reason but I am going to contemplate them because I certainly have some marked gestures and others involuntary that I do and these predators confuse with weakness. There are many of my body gestures that do not correspond to what many people think. They have always pointed it out to me as if they had nothing better to occupy their lives with. For example, having your arms crossed is a sign of protecting yourself or so they say, I do it because it's very comfortable for me, I'm bored, waiting, stressed or paying attention and the opposite to protecting myself, when I feel very confident. I don't like to hold my gaze too much, it annoys me, I feel tired eyesight, my eyes get dry. There are those who interpret it as if I was avoiding something or I was lying, no, it's just that I don't need to see your face for 1 hour in a fixed way so that you feel taken into account, depending on the type of conversation. In addition, such gestures are not applied here as in other countries where they are taken into serious consideration in terms of manners.
"He's very quiet", well I just don't feel like talking to anyone at certain times, for various reasons that have more to do with avoiding interacting with people that I know doesn't suit me at all and their actions prove it over time. That doesn't mean I don't relate, I just know to what extent depending on the person and the environment. And if it is an environment of predators, it is impossible not to attract attention. I do not know if you know this phrase "you shake hands and they take your arm", it is something similar to that you give a little trust and abuse. That's already something about the idiosyncrasies here and the lack of basic values and respect and it's not my style.
I don't share my private life even with my own mother, because she uses it against me. No matter how quiet I am, there are people who manage to want to get information out of me. Only a certain type of woman has achieved it for obvious reasons. In fact, a vampiric attraction, involuntary thought and magnetism manifests itself as it is, until one gives in/gives permission. But that's not the case now and I'm very careful since the last experience. But I already know the pattern.
In these cases, more than my positions, it is to be someone who is not surrounded by people. Independence confundidad with insulation.
As for knowing their tactics, most of the circumstances are like in the transcriptions, like when Laura decides to let a question pass because she knows that it's not going to lead to anything, it's not well formulated, you know what the Cass would say, she detects that she hasn't invested enough to ask the question in an exact way, etc. A person outside that circle would be offended and think that she's not being taken into account, if she's emotionally weak, she would think that they're calling her stupid, unintelligent, she would be offended.
Well, something similar happens to me and it's not that I apply it, I just seem to have become more "acute" for certain patterns that I can already see the ramifications of others' actions and decisions under certain circumstances. I know that other people's actions and decisions are going to lead me down a certain path, so I tell them "no" and they don't know how to accept it, I can glimpse their tactics as long as I don't have emotions getting in the way.
Am I too closed-minded? okay, I recently opened up to a job opportunity through a "friend" of 10 years ago, who recently I met her just 3 days after I thought about her and again I was fucked with exactly the same thing I already knew by the patterns shown through her, again!. Is it possible that if I focus on a suitcase full of money I will be able to find it? (laughs)
Well, why should I feel guilty about all this?
It's as if because of my limited interaction with others, those two thoughts are the only tool to use to disturb me.
cassiopaea.org
