That's easier said than done. Grandma may be better off, where she is.
@ScioAgapeOmnis consider bringing gram to live with you carefully. I'm not being cold here, but practical. I helped take care if my gram, at my parents' home and my mum is 94, living at home with my brother, now with other family members, giving him every other week, away so he can be with his boyfriend, who is ill with cancer.
How much care does gram need? Can she go to the bathroom on her own? Can she eat on her own...Any special diet? Some older ppl need thickened liquids so they don't choke. How much medical attendance does she need?
How much help and what kind can you afford? Do you work away from home? Are you ok with caregivers alone in house with gram? Will you pay for caregivers to work around the clock or will you take on care of her after work or night time?
Are you ok with bathing her? Cleaning up if she soils herself?
Can she walk? Is she steady walking with or without a walker? Lifting may be needed in a way that doesn't hurt her.
Please do not make quick decisions. Taking care of an older person is a big responsibility and you will have to sacrifice much of your time and mobilty. I read 3 men and a girlfriend available....talk among yourselves.
This is part of the consideration, gram needs lots of help. She is just old, not sick, but frail and all the little things she needs help, including bathroom visits, showering, etc. My dad spent the last few years being a hospice nurse for my sick mom, and we certainly cannot expect him to now full time care for grandma, that would be cruel. He needs to find himself, figure out a purpose and find joy in his life, and basically re-discover life outside of 24/7 taking care of mom while also working full time from home.
I don’t live at home, I live in an apartment with my girlfriend. So that puts everything on my brother Dan, who runs a company and worms like 16 hour days as well. So an assistant will be needed. Grandma doesn’t speak English only Russian, so they also have to be Russian. And of course grandma’s free will must be considered and the trust issue of having someone be at the house with her basically 24/7.
This isn’t an easy thing, it’s just the idea of her in that nursing home after losing mom seems absolutely awful and we want her to be able to be surrounded with family, without somehow burdening the same family beyond all reason.
We’re going to have a lengthy discussion about it today, decide what to do, how to do it, etc. I’m definitely in favor of option 3 myself, we just have to be very careful and think about our approach, the logistics of what we can do with/for grandma, etc. It won’t be an easy situation no matter what happens, so we must tread carefully and not make any rash decisions.
I agree with all the thoughts, I am just fully aware of the risks and complexities of what’s involved and it’s frankly scary. How will she take it? Will she survive? Will they allow me to stay there (due to Covid) to be with her in the next few days? Can dad and Dan handle the remainder of the funeral arrangements without me? What if grandma’s heart gives out before mom’s funeral - how can we deal with both things if the worst comes to pass? There’s only 3 of us and we’re scrambling to make all the arrangements while trying to grieve in between all the errands as it is.
And of course the logistics and timeline of bringing grandma to the house needs time. She can’t walk on her own more than a few feet with a walker (so, wheelchair).
Sorry I don’t mean to vent, it’s just a lot to juggle and to consider. And whole time I’m also thinking of dad - he needs to find a life, he hasn’t been out of the house other than food shopping and taking care of mom for years. And Dan is taking a sabbatical from work (due to burnout, the plan was to spend more time with mom, but of course she died before this started), and he also needs to focus on self care and repair from burnout.
There’s the option of my girlfriend and I moving into the house to help, but that too will take time to arrange and there’s some “bad blood” between mom and gf, so dad would have to be ok with that as well, and hopefully they will reconcile, if such a move is even on the cards.
Life can get really complicated all at once sometimes! Lots to think about, and lots of strategizing to do.
All this feedback is helping a lot to bring clarity, so thank you all!
Also I didn’t get to properly thank everyone for their recommendations when the situation was quite different this past weekend, there were some great ideas and lots of thought out into them, unfortunately the situation resolved itself before we had any time to implement anything. However, I am happy that mom is unburdened from her suffering, and I think she chose her graceful exit because she knew it was time. She also did it during the blood moon lunar eclipse, at 11:50 PM Eastern Time (we were holding her until her final breath), probably because she wanted to make a grand exit, that’s just how she rolls!
Oh and she smelled like strawberries the entire time. People say dying people, especially with sepsis, can smell bad. She smelled like a dessert, even after she passed. I don’t know how she managed that, but she did.
