Hey everyone, there are very good posts in this thread! Lots of good thoughts to consider.
I would like to contribute, because these situations awaken high interest in me.
Here are some notes I made while I was once listening to an audio recording by Dick Sutphen.
Most of these probably do NOT apply directly to this particular person and situation that has been described by Tigersoap. However I believe they can be useful tools to avoid the energy drain one experiences when confronted by manipulating bullies and petty tyrants that we are forced to deal with.
Verbal techniques when attacked by manipulation.
Below sticking with the business-- very important:
I like that "sticking with the business" idea very much that Kenlee mentioned. It came to my mind, that when you see someone is starting to waste your time by getting long winded you have a right to end it. Especially if you find that the longwinded tirade is not really related to the "business", or issue at hand, but has turned into a personal attack of some sort. The "extra stuff" is clearly about manipulation and pushing buttons and can usually be separated from the issue. This could give a very solid and good reason to be firm to him cut off the tirade to bring him back to the topic, and failing that, even abruptly end the conversation: "I am busy, I simply do not have the time to talk about side issues. Why don't you cool off for a few minutes and then call me back when you wish to discuss only the topic, and in professional manner."
Actually now that I think about it, I might repeat that phrase 2 or three times to give him a chance, before hanging up, or walking out of the room. It is possible that when he sees that you just cannot be sidetracked, he may have to give it up.
Note that I suggest the phrase "why don't you cool off", and request the person to be "professional". This came to my mind because I suddenly thought that this may suggest to him that the nonprofessional emotional reaction that he is trying to elicit in you, is actually occurring in him! In fact, even if someone is outwardly calm, but going on a personal attack, one can legitimately assume the person is getting emotional - they certainly are not being professional, because intellectually they should be staying on the topic and working towards a mutually acceptable solution, right?
Yes as Kenlee put it, it would seem he is a bully = covert aggressive. I was prompted to think of that Sam Vaknin video someone posted (http://blip.tv/file/2268740), (time about 38:30) who revealed that when he was bullying the filmmaker, that he was purposely acting so as to raise and lower the stress syndrome (or stress response) of the film maker to maximize the effect. (this is brutal). I wonder if our petty tyrants do this sometimes to keep us off balance in order to manipulate us? Not saying this person described here actually uses this particular technique, but I mention it to keep it in mind.
See Sutphen's technique #1 about "no". Imagine that the deadline is too short. It simply must be set at a later date. It must be repeated often enough until he runs out of nos. No apology, no excuses, give NOTHING for him to grab onto. Let him expend his energy insulting your style, reliability, competency and manhood if he wants to. Your mind is like calm water the whole time waiting for the tirade to end. During the tirade, you think about Gurdjieff calling people machines, and you think about this guy as a little box of gears running a little programmed punch card entitled "bully". Then, when he has expended himself, once again you reaffirm the deadline will be later.
Yeah, sounds easy to write it doesn't it? A lot harder to put in practise. But we gotta have some ideas to try out.
Ha, this is probably not at all useful, and might come off sounding flippant, but it popped into my mind if someone said to me "some people do the work as you in 24 hours", I would feel like saying "ok, well call them then, good-bye". I wonder how that might work? Depends on the situation and person involved, I guess. One has to go with their "gut" instinct on this one.
Ah yes! "non-stop talking until I cave-in" sounds a bit like my wife actually: my own handy petty tyrant! But what a learning opportunity! [I am wayyyy too positive!]. For my wife, when the points have been made and it has descended into simple badgering, I point out that the conversation is not going anywhere and I politely, repeatedly, but firmly, request her to stop the lecture/discussion at least for a time. If she does not, I point out that she is not respecting my wishes for a break, and she has no right to force a conversation I do not want. At this point I feel justified to remove myself from the situation, without guilt, nor anger. However, when it is a close person who is the bully, the issue is different than a bully colleague, though, so maybe this last bit is not very applicable to this situation.
_Breton_
I would like to contribute, because these situations awaken high interest in me.
Here are some notes I made while I was once listening to an audio recording by Dick Sutphen.
Most of these probably do NOT apply directly to this particular person and situation that has been described by Tigersoap. However I believe they can be useful tools to avoid the energy drain one experiences when confronted by manipulating bullies and petty tyrants that we are forced to deal with.
Verbal techniques when attacked by manipulation.
notes from Sutphen's Verbal techniques when attacked by manipulation (audio segment) said:
Below sticking with the business-- very important:
kenlee said:
I like that "sticking with the business" idea very much that Kenlee mentioned. It came to my mind, that when you see someone is starting to waste your time by getting long winded you have a right to end it. Especially if you find that the longwinded tirade is not really related to the "business", or issue at hand, but has turned into a personal attack of some sort. The "extra stuff" is clearly about manipulation and pushing buttons and can usually be separated from the issue. This could give a very solid and good reason to be firm to him cut off the tirade to bring him back to the topic, and failing that, even abruptly end the conversation: "I am busy, I simply do not have the time to talk about side issues. Why don't you cool off for a few minutes and then call me back when you wish to discuss only the topic, and in professional manner."
Actually now that I think about it, I might repeat that phrase 2 or three times to give him a chance, before hanging up, or walking out of the room. It is possible that when he sees that you just cannot be sidetracked, he may have to give it up.
Note that I suggest the phrase "why don't you cool off", and request the person to be "professional". This came to my mind because I suddenly thought that this may suggest to him that the nonprofessional emotional reaction that he is trying to elicit in you, is actually occurring in him! In fact, even if someone is outwardly calm, but going on a personal attack, one can legitimately assume the person is getting emotional - they certainly are not being professional, because intellectually they should be staying on the topic and working towards a mutually acceptable solution, right?
Yes as Kenlee put it, it would seem he is a bully = covert aggressive. I was prompted to think of that Sam Vaknin video someone posted (http://blip.tv/file/2268740), (time about 38:30) who revealed that when he was bullying the filmmaker, that he was purposely acting so as to raise and lower the stress syndrome (or stress response) of the film maker to maximize the effect. (this is brutal). I wonder if our petty tyrants do this sometimes to keep us off balance in order to manipulate us? Not saying this person described here actually uses this particular technique, but I mention it to keep it in mind.
Tigersoap said:
See Sutphen's technique #1 about "no". Imagine that the deadline is too short. It simply must be set at a later date. It must be repeated often enough until he runs out of nos. No apology, no excuses, give NOTHING for him to grab onto. Let him expend his energy insulting your style, reliability, competency and manhood if he wants to. Your mind is like calm water the whole time waiting for the tirade to end. During the tirade, you think about Gurdjieff calling people machines, and you think about this guy as a little box of gears running a little programmed punch card entitled "bully". Then, when he has expended himself, once again you reaffirm the deadline will be later.
Yeah, sounds easy to write it doesn't it? A lot harder to put in practise. But we gotta have some ideas to try out.
Ha, this is probably not at all useful, and might come off sounding flippant, but it popped into my mind if someone said to me "some people do the work as you in 24 hours", I would feel like saying "ok, well call them then, good-bye". I wonder how that might work? Depends on the situation and person involved, I guess. One has to go with their "gut" instinct on this one.
Tigersoap said:
Ah yes! "non-stop talking until I cave-in" sounds a bit like my wife actually: my own handy petty tyrant! But what a learning opportunity! [I am wayyyy too positive!]. For my wife, when the points have been made and it has descended into simple badgering, I point out that the conversation is not going anywhere and I politely, repeatedly, but firmly, request her to stop the lecture/discussion at least for a time. If she does not, I point out that she is not respecting my wishes for a break, and she has no right to force a conversation I do not want. At this point I feel justified to remove myself from the situation, without guilt, nor anger. However, when it is a close person who is the bully, the issue is different than a bully colleague, though, so maybe this last bit is not very applicable to this situation.
_Breton_
