QFS pre school

[Amoeba]

Great Thread! Thanks for starting it CG

I have been around this forum since 2006. I have not made much meaningful posts here since joining the forum. There are a number of reasons for it.

Feeling lack of knowledge; Fear of creating noise/ridiculed, are some of those.

I am not a native english speaker. I need to read things slowly to understand things and also have problem with retention.
I also have problem expressisng myself in written form (even in my own native language). These are some of the problems I need to work on and improve.

There are enormous amount of stuff to read in here. So most of the time I spend reading and learning. But to continue the work I realise I need to start participating in the discussion.

Last few months have been very difficult with a variety of problems in personal as well as professional life.

I want to start moving forward again.

Thanks everyone.

 

[Laurelayn]

More thanks for starting this thread, I have been thinking along these lines as well.
Recapitulation, even my weak attempts at it, have been extremely difficult for me, even to the point of just wanting to just go back to sleep and forget about all of this. Going back through the horror story of my childhood is something I would like some help with, but I feel very fragile aroung many of those issues.
I feel broken beyond repair and any attempt at healing seems futile. Talk about a predator, It's like I have a borg collective of nasty little I's in my head....you WILL be assimilated, resistance is futile

One interesting thing I have noticed is that since I do read SOTT daily and try to stay current with the forum, I find that I am often thinking about a subject that will turn up in a discussion thread that day or has actually been posted in the past several days – so I feel I must be connected on some level.

I have noticed the same thing for a long time, even while Laura was writing the wave series she would hit on things with her next posting that I had been thinking around for days, like it is some kind of natural progression of thought that streamed from the previous chapter.
I have been around reading this material for a long time, I leave for a while but I always get drawn back through my own thought process, whatever that is.


L.

 

[Oxajil]

I have noticed the same thing for a long time, even while Laura was writing the wave series she would hit on things with her next posting that I had been thinking around for days, like it is some kind of natural progression of thought that streamed from the previous chapter.
L.

I've experienced that as well. It feels like that everything goes in a 'chronological way'. It always amazes me how everything falls into place. These are just subjective feelings... but it amazes me every time.

 

[curious georgia]

I am not a native english speaker. I need to read things slowly to understand things and also have problem with retention.
I also have problem expressisng myself in written form (even in my own native language). These are some of the problems I need to work on and improve.

I understand the difficulty you must overcome. English IS my native language and I still have great difficulty making myself understood. Sometimes I post and I have to explain what I mean several times and still it is not understood the way I intended. It can be maddening and can seem like I am being argumentative. I have come to realise that the best way to improve is by practice. I also have to remind myself that even if some people do not understand what I have written and respond with misunderstanding, many people will read and understand. (there are thousands of readers , both members and non-members) I hope you continue to try to overcome these obstacles. I am certain you have much to contribute.

 

[Nienna]

Well, wrong. This work cannot be done alone - or by lurking in the background kinda suspended between worlds. I get your point. But first I need to break a few programs in my own head. And learn how to express myself in a non-dramatic, non-pompous, non-mysterious or plain weird way that cuts straight to the cheese with minimum noise.

Piece of cake. Be right back.

Hi Adam,

First you have it right in that the Work cannot be done alone, and then you start right back into saying see ya later after I fix myself. Do you see what I mean?

The best way to break programs is to have feedback from the group. This is what the group is for. Yes, you do have to break the program, but how do you know that you have really done this if you aren't posting so that you can get feedback? And how else to learn to communicate better than to actually communicate? You cannot learn in a vacuum communicating to yourself.

It may just be me, so apologies if this is the case, but you just seem to be making more excuses of why you can't post.

 

[adam7117]

The best way to break programs is to have feedback from the group. This is what the group is for. Yes, you do have to break the program, but how do you know that you have really done this if you aren't posting so that you can get feedback? And how else to learn to communicate better than to actually communicate? You cannot learn in a vacuum communicating to yourself.

Yes, all of that is true. And feedback is very important, indeed. To me Work is crucial, I feel that it is a part of my true essence. And, of course, there is a bit more to the story as well.

You see, I actually have done this for a number of years before. Discussing the Work, its perils and benefits - how to see things as they truly are. Except knowing the theory is not quite the same as applying it. After all, isn't Awareness all about Applied Knowledge?

So I realised that I would need to up the ante a little and take the lessons beyond the computer screen to really experience human interaction, with a new set of tools. It did not mean walking away from anything - it meant having the strength to enter into a "parallel run" of sorts. I decided to experience life while applying the theory I so loved to ponder.

It's working and it is tough. Lots of ups and downs. Lots of feedback and communication with lots of people. And it took years, of course. Nothing weird or anything, just normal life - and it turns out that doing a load of laundry can bring as much esoteric insight as anything else.

Something has changed inside of me - despite or maybe because of the ups and downs the School of Life brought with it. This something is, I believe, an increase in awareness. Previously, I would not be able to say something like...

But first I need to break a few programs in my own head. And learn how to express myself in a non-dramatic, non-pompous, non-mysterious or plain weird way that cuts straight to the cheese with minimum noise.

...I wasn't really able to see that. Instead, I would just be all confused and messed up about why I'm not getting enough attention. See, this sort of attitude radically changes after a psychopath, for example, gives you too much attention. After that you wish for powers of invisibility and you begin to foster them.

Piece of cake. So not.

Someone else once said, "you can't steer the car if the wheels aren't turning".
And that age old question applies too: If not NOW, then WHEN?

Hope that's helpful.

Yes, it's very spot on. Thank you.

 

[anart]

- and it turns out that doing a load of laundry can bring as much esoteric insight as anything else.

Could you, perhaps, elaborate on this?

...I wasn't really able to see that. Instead, I would just be all confused and messed up about why I'm not getting enough attention. See, this sort of attitude radically changes after a psychopath, for example, gives you too much attention. After that you wish for powers of invisibility and you begin to foster them.

That's interesting, since my period of a 'psychopath giving me too much attention' resulted in nothing other than an urgent drive to get information and network about it - for safety, for perspective, for understanding.  That, ultimately, made all the difference.

Piece of cake. So not.

Adam, it appears that you are not only making excuses for yourself, but that you actually believe them.  fwiw.

 

[Aiming]

Thank you all for this thread! It's courageous to voice all the fears and insecurities
of us newbies.
And welcome to the Forum, or rather, to the posting! ;)

I've posted a few times, as you can see from the number of my posts, but the sincerity
and consideration for the community most of you mentioned to be refraining you from
posting had me see something about my own posting activity.
I had and still have fears and insecurities about posting - the biggest one is of
abandonment.
Still, it has happened quite often that my posts were externally inconsiderate to the
community in that I posted something that was full of noise -> that is, I didn't take
enough time to scrutinize what I was about to write, only afterwards I saw the noise.
I want to apologize for this.
This thread has made me realize I seriously need to work on my signal to noise ratio
and search on my own before asking something - actually do the studying and working
on myself much much more before I throw myself in.

There's one weird program going on:
when I've posted something that reveals something about me, extreme fear is being
elicited - a mixture of fear of being abandoned and fear of having revealed something
which could have whatever consequences (my father, who's in jail, warned me from
time to time, saying it could well be I'm being watched, my rooms searched etc, as
happened to many close people who were/are in contact with him - his case is weird
and somehow his words stuck).
This fear program evolves into sth like the ground is being pulled from under my feet -
with this program running and not at all able to non-identify, I feel like psychologically
totally deranged.
Anyway, I'll keep working on it, especially on my signal to noise ratio and external
consideration for the community, and I hope this post could shed some light.
Thank you for reading.

 

[curious georgia]

There's one weird program going on:
when I've posted something that reveals something about me, extreme fear is being
elicited - a mixture of fear of being abandoned and fear of having revealed something
which could have whatever consequences (my father, who's in jail, warned me from
time to time, saying it could well be I'm being watched, my rooms searched etc, as
happened to many close people who were/are in contact with him - his case is weird
and somehow his words stuck).
This fear program evolves into sth like the ground is being pulled from under my feet -
with this program running and not at all able to non-identify, I feel like psychologically
totally deranged.

Many of us have mentioned programs in this thread. May I suggest a good place to start posting? http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=6419.0 or http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=8129.0 or maybe http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=7077.0 I posted in one of these a while back and got paranoid and then deleted my post contents. So, help me out a little here if you would. Let me follow your example. :/

 

[Aiming]

Many of us have mentioned programs in this thread. May I suggest a good place to start posting? http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=6419.0 or http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=8129.0 or maybe http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=7077.0 I posted in one of these a while back and got paranoid and then deleted my post contents. So, help me out a little here if you would. Let me follow your example.

Hi curious georgia,
thanks for bringing these threads to mind, will have to study them diligently again.
I'm however a bit unsure what you mean: do you mean I should post about this weird program
in one of these threads? I'd really like to help you out -if possible- by sharing such programs
and by getting a clear understanding of them in a joint effort. If I'm reading your words correctly,
you've been having similar paranoid episodes, yes?
So what exactly do you mean by 'Help me out a little here'? (sorry for being so dense..)

 

[curious georgia]

Hi curious georgia,
thanks for bringing these threads to mind, will have to study them diligently again.
I'm however a bit unsure what you mean: do you mean I should post about this weird program
in one of these threads? I'd really like to help you out -if possible- by sharing such programs
and by getting a clear understanding of them in a joint effort. If I'm reading your words correctly,
you've been having similar paranoid episodes, yes?
So what exactly do you mean by 'Help me out a little here'? (sorry for being so dense..)

Yes, I think it would be a good idea to discuss this program in one of the mentioned threads. And, yes, I have had similar paranoid episodes, part of the awakening process, I've been told. Sorry for not making my meaning clear. What I meant by help me out a little here is let me follow your lead, start the discussion. You are not dense, it is me, I have trouble communicating through written words. And thank you for asking for clarification as to my meaning instead of assuming.

 

[anart]

Yes, I think it would be a good idea to discuss this program in one of the mentioned threads. And, yes, I have had similar paranoid episodes, part of the awakening process, I've been told. Sorry for not making my meaning clear.  What I meant by help me out a little here is let me follow your lead, start the discussion. You are not dense, it is me, I have trouble communicating through written words. And thank you for asking for clarification as to my meaning instead of assuming.

Hi Curious Georgia, perhaps it would be a better idea for you to start - if for no other reason than 'it' does not want to.  There is, of course, no need to reveal any personal or identifying information - it is a public forum.  But if you are so reticent to discuss it that you're basically asking someone else to do it 'for you' - then...

[added later -- this does not mean you 'have to' - just consider that it's a bit much to ask something of someone else that one is not willing to do themselves.]

 

[curious georgia]

Hi Curious Georgia, perhaps it would be a better idea for you to start - if for no other reason than 'it' does not want to. There is, of course, no need to reveal any personal or identifying information - it is a public forum. But if you are so reticent to discuss it that you're basically asking someone else to do it 'for you' - then...

[added later -- this does not mean you 'have to' - just consider that it's a bit much to ask something of someone else that one is not willing to do themselves.]

Yes, so right Anart. To clarify, I was sort of trying to encourage all who posted in this thread, not only essence, to start posting some of these comments about their programs, etc. in other threads where they may inspire more discussion . I'm sorry, essence if I seemed pushy. As usual, I was in a hurry to respond and didn't say exactly what I meant. I really wasn't asking essence to do it for me, not post that particular program (the one I deleted was not about paranoia, I just got paranoid about posting it and deleted it), just meant let me follow her lead in posting something. Although, as you said , Anart, I shouldn't ask someone to do anything. In the part of the country where I live, "do you want me to" can mean"would you like me to", or even" I would like to, if you agree". I see now the importance of being precise. When we're all "man number 4" we'll understand each other better ;) Again, sorry essence if I caused you any anxiety. Thanks for pointing this out, Anart

--- Even this is not exactly what I'm trying to express, I will do my best to "fix" it later. right now I have to go to work.---

 

[Gawan]

Also from my side, thanks for this topic!

[…]

And that age old question applies too: If not NOW, then WHEN?

[…]

I can relate to this statement very well, also in an opposite way. Often I'm waiting for, that a current feeling, problem etc. is solving by itself. That it is just going away when I'm doing nothing, waiting, or better jumping in another program that feels good/better.
Instead of looking and when I can't see something in the forum, to ask a question, and when doing this to watch myself, what is happening in the situation when I'm posting.
So this phrase followed through my live and gave me the power to move on and even to post!

[quote author=T.C.]
"if you saw a child drowning in a river, would you just stand there from fear that you couldn't do a perfect dive and front crawl, or would you just forget about that nonsense and get going?"[/quote]

From another perspective, the negative introject could unfortunately ask these questions.
And what the posting belongs the N.I. plays also a great deal in my participation: "I'm not sure", "You are stupid", "What may think the others of you?" etc. and to build too around my postings a wall so that no questions can slip under a brick.

 

[Trobar]

After reading all the posts on this thread, I decided I would indeed post and share why I have not been posting. I have studied Laura's material for many years and read almost all the books recommended. However, at one point in 2003, I realized that I had accumulated a great deal of information and although I was quite "full of it" ;) I was not actually applying very much of what I had studied in my day to day life. I chose to shift my priorities, my perspective broadened and I began to behave like a small infant that is just beginning to learn how to walk. One small experimental step at a time.

I began to look within and genuinely try to be objective about myself. This was and is a very very challenging endeavor. So my efforts have been focused on applying what "I thought I actually knew" with every person that I have contact with... except for the people on this forum .

In reading the posts on this thread, I realized that for some inexplicable reason, I viewed the physically available (visible and identifiable) people in my everyday life as "real" and the people on this forum as somewhat "un-real" or some kind of cyber personalities that are not actually "real". This, of course, is preposterous and this lead to the realization that this real vs not real perspective was simply a fear based denial technique that has apparently been working - until now.

Yes - Yes - Yes, I think to myself now. The forum members are real people and perhaps on some level much more "real" than the visible ones that fill my days and nights.

I have no regrets regarding my choices as the lessons within the outcomes are infinite and I have been blessed with so many opportunities to "practice what I preach" in every day life. The attempt to apply the principles I have learned have been my greatest teachers and have resulted in some of the most humbling moments I have ever experienced.

However, the gaping hole lies in the fact that my life has been bereft of any mirrors. I have chosen a path, that although it has indeed been enlightening, has lacked that kind of input that only a sincere STO candidate can provide me with. It is not impossible to learn and to evolve without a mirror. However, I have experienced many moments when I "wished" that someone "out here" - in the "real world" would challenge me and say "you're really full of it".

Networking, I tell myself, must really be a 4th density concept. I learned this by experiencing how growth is indeed limited and how atrophy does set in when I do not post and I do not network.

Death and dying of the physical body seems to have been the theme of the last 2 years of my life. I applied the principles of what I "thought I knew" during this period. I learned through trial and error that my supposed "understanding" of free will and of service to others was quite flawed and very limited. I did learn a lot. The experiences were beneficial... to me.
The lessons... did indeed serve me. The lessons, however were limited. I realized, I could only go so far by myself. In my case, it took working alone - to learn about working alone. "The Work", I understand now... is not meant to be a solitary endeavor. My lesson, it seems, is that solitary lessons serve the self.

I do highly value the posts of the individuals in this cyber reality. I value the posts of the so-called "newbies" more than the posts from the learned and the wise. When a "newbie" posts, I am distinctly reminded that absolutely everything about the concept of knowledge is infinite and limitless... and this reminder, fills me with hope - for the past - the present - and the future.

Conclusion?
I do not post because I have been very busy learning about service to others.


_________________

Moderator note:
Edited to fix typo: "a sincere STS candidate" amended to read "a sincere STO candidate"