Question on Suicide

[luke wilson]

I'd also like to express my experiences with this sad topic...

I have never known anyone who has commited suicide. However, acouple of years ago, I nearly killed myself...

Trying to look back, I can say that, it took years to get me to the point where I thought the only way was out. Started in my early teenage years where I suppose I just felt lost. From like about 12 onwards I just got this feeling come over me of being alone because I didnt understand anything out there and nothing out there seemed to understand me and my life turned into a life of pretending until it became second nature. In this sense now looking back, I never got a chance to develop my essence as a human being because I had to learn to live in a fake shell which I now know is called the false personality. Anyways, at about 17/18, I had, had enough. My parents were constantly angry at me for not being perfect or whatever it is they expected me to be like. At school eventhough I had friends, nothing was real, I just felt everything was hollow and for some weird reason I felt like I couldnt connect to other people, also the ferocious/vindictive/hurtful nature of other people was just getting to much. So it took me awhile, nothing spontaneous but I worked up a plan. Down to the date. I remember thinking to myself, this is it, last days. I thought about how it would make other people feel. I thought people would be surprised because it would come as a shock as I wasnt prone to stress or depression. Little did they know how good I had got at pretending interms of appearing happy or atleast not stressed or depressed. I even fooled myself at times and forgot how much pain I was suffering... Anyways, finally thought that, as is the death of the people I know, I will soon be forgotten and that will be that. Probably people would weep for acouple of weeks or days and before you know it life will just go on... I even remember thinking, this surely is a license to live more dangerously, if am gonna kill myself, why not live it up for abit?? What's the worst that could happen? But living it up was a skill, a skill that I lacked. Amazing the thoughts that go on in a suicidal mind.

Anyways, why didnt I do it? I have always tried to understand why because my life is pretty much as it was except now I am not suicidal. All I know is that, I suppose fear got to me. I literally couldnt take my own life. Not because it would hurt anyone out there eventhough I considered this, it was because of me. Couldnt bring myself to kill myself - at that moment, the moment for the deed, I felt how much it would take to do it, I had this crashing feeling that I had to overcome inorder to kill myself but I couldnt overcome it, it seemed to just grow and grow until I surrendered and stopped. Afterwards, I even thought to myself, all the years of built up emotional hurt was inorder to get over that barrier, that if you dont build up enough of that, there is no way anyone is going to get over that barrier.

Anyways, soon after, I started to slowly learn not to take things seriously or personally, not to take the perceived injustice I was suffering to heart. At this point, I suppose I started leaning away from the mainstream and into the alternative and started building up some knowledge about why everything seemed to be hollow and why people are harsh. Now, I realise the injustice isnt unique to me, it is something that everyone goes through, in there own way and deals with it in there own way. It exists because this is an STS world. So yah, that is where I am right now.

Writing this more for myself than anyone else, just to look at it and see the past.

 

[Risen]

Thanks for sharing that Luke. I am very happy you are still here with us. :)

 

[skycsil]

Thanks for sharing that Luke. I also thought about suicide in my teens. I was born in a narcissistic family, specially my mother. My father was a little more "normal", but he was totally functional to my mother's madness, always ready to keep her illusions working no matter what. And there I was, a spoiled little girl until I grew up enough to realize my mother was absolutely crazy and my father was her pet. This is where I stopped to be cute, they threw in my face that I was a useless thing because they spoiled me that much! I admit that it was true, I didn't know how to broom the floor, but my mother refused to teach me (that way she reinforced how useless I was). She would fight me every single day for everything, sometimes deserved and sometimes for things that were actually made up, and that caused me to fight back... stupidly reinforcing her statement that I was a horrible daughter. Family life was unbearable to me, and there's when I thought on suicide. But then I started figuring how it would be, the rest of my family would be devastated (perhaps my parents too), so I thought "I will not be like them. They're selfish, I'm not. I'll go on with my life!" And that's how everything started to hurt less. I moved by myself as soon as I could, and carried a life on my own.

 

[Risen]

....... so I thought "I will not be like them. They're selfish, I'm not. I'll go on with my life!" And that's how everything started to hurt less. I moved by myself as soon as I could, and carried a life on my own.

Good for you skycsil ! I also had a narcissistic mother and first remember having suicide thoughts when I was 8 years old but knew even at that age that it would be the wrong thing to do and would hurt many people including my wonderful grandparents and my siblings. I wonder how many of us here have suffered with these feelings. I really like your avatar, it is a very powerful image.

 

[skycsil]

Thanks, opposum
I'm not in the "poor me" stage anymore (been for a few years and it's a complete waste of energy) but it's still encouraging to share my past experiences and learn from everyone else. It's nice to see we're not alone :)

 

[davey72]

That is very interesting Davey72. I have had a somewhat similar experience and have never heard this discussed before. In fact, I sometimes imagine I died somewhere else and ended up here!!!
As Data once said in another thread,(paraphrased)"jumping off a building is a very mechanical action", which made me realize that most suicides are just that. An awake, conscious person would be unlikely to do it. There is no judgement intended by this statement except an assessment of possible state of mind or acting from false personality. I hope this makes sense.

Makes total sense. perhaps it is solipsistic. (i learned this word from another thread, and decided to follow a strange coincidence to use it here for the first time.) Although, at the time i would not have said that. I was in a lot of pain. Perhaps the knowledge i have gained here has helped me with this angst i used to feel so deeply?
Edit: sorry Dorothy, i just realized that it was you,in this post that i stole that word from.

 

[davey72]

Another awesome post Dorothy! You had your mom and now, someone has you, even if you haven't met them yet. :) What you said about an outside source (voice) is right on target but don't tell that to most shrinks unless you want a label (schizophrenic) tattooed on your forehead.

I must concur. Very well said, Dorothy. Gave me a lot to think about. The one thing i never really had was someone that was really there for me when i was a kid. I remember saying to my mom once that she seemed like a robot sometimes, that when i thought of her, i thought of her as a robot. Well, then a shrink told her this is an early warning sign of schizophrenia. I learned to sweep even these thoughts under the rug. Perhaps i am susceptible to this, as my grandma was a schizophrenic. Perhaps this was a possible road for me, but i was so horrified of becoming that, maybe i was able to keep my knowledge up to a certain level, so as to avoid this?

 

[Risen]

The one thing i never really had was someone that was really there for me when i was a kid

Seems true for a lot of people. My mother used to tell me things a shrink said too, somehow now, I think she made it up. Almost every sign of awakening or seeing reality as it is are signs of mental illness according to most shrinks. I am sitting outside an internet cafe in freezing weather to use the internet right now. I won't be posting too much for a while. I can't stand the cold, inside or out. I'll be thinking of you all often.

 

[Dorothy Minder]

Davey, the fact you kept it together, despite lacking outside support, indicates profound inner strength. I'm truly happy for you.

Opossum, psychiatry does seem to label awakenings as illness sometimes. However, I also know many people, some of them family members, who declare quite firmly that they "feel more like themselves" on antidepressants or anti-psychotics. These are people who struggled for years, and now credit medication for allowing them to function. Given my own struggles and experiences with dozens of medications, I don't think it's my place to judge them -- to say, for example, that they are "running back to sleep." We all walk different paths. I personally needed to experience both medicated and unmedicated "selves" to make certain realizations.

Take care and stay warm!

 

[LIMIT]

Forgive me if you can this STS emotional cry

I am feeling suicidal at the moment. I have failing health, my large family and all my old friends want nothing to do with me and neither do I. A couple of nights ago I forced myself to go a local pub to listen to a band, and while there had this rather pleasant experience of 'seeing' DCM in and around the people there who were dancing and socialising. I was quite alone except for this deep communication with what I supposed was DCM (it was like a sustained kiss with God). I must have looked happy 'cause a guy came up and invited me to join a dance group and learn as they needed a couple of males to partner some woman – nothing sexual, just country dancing. Well I said yes, and it felt like a gift. He also suggested I go to the local big dance in town the next night(last night) as it was raising funds for flood relief. I did this, and sat by myself in a corner – hey a lady came and asked me to dance but I said I didn't know how(and I don't) and another lady sat by me for awhile chatting but I couldn't dance with her either for the same reason. Besides it was really hot. Eventually she went off with some bloke and they danced like pros – it made me feel so small.

I want to be part of a social group, I am so awfully lonely, but my illness makes me confused and tired and I realised I cannot allow myself to join the dance group or start a relationship as I am just such a useless prick really, and I'm dying from liver disease...it just gets too damn much, but reading this thread has given me some strength to carry on in what to me is a most useless life.

The only hope I have to cling to is the sometimes loveliness of my dreams (when they are not full of warnings) and last nights dream segment seemed to be a message about witnessing, just observing, but my mind is so all over the place that I despair that nothing good will come of my frustration and goddamned self serving – Really I do dislike myself a lot. But is witnessing important to my higher self? I don't know if I even can trust my dreams and I'll tell you why soon.

I was reminded of this by davy72's story of his friend who died and was helped to reinhabit by angels...Here goes.

On the 19 Jan 2011, about 3pm, I lay down totally and completely depressed/exhausted to the prayer for the soul and then rest. Just a few days earlier I'd been tinking and planning to top myself in the car out in the garage – all planned. I'd told God (not threatening – just stating a fact) that if he didn't take me in the next few days I was going out there to take it myself – I was pretty serious about it – nothing I seem to do helps me get anywhere!!!!or become useful to anyone. I had even started to think about taking up smoking ganja again...damn.

Anyway, I am lying there repeating the prayer and must have fallen to sleep 'cause I had this strong vision of collapsing on the toilet in warm gooey poo. In my dream I was too damn sick to care and didn't even bother to get my pants off. Man I was so comfortable! And I knew I was dying. But then I realised I was still on the bed, and a golden fiery tornado like being was approaching me rapidly. My mind was confused (as usual) but the being seemed to be telling me to get up and go to the toilet, which I did.

When I got back I lay back down tired and became quickly aware of the golden being again. My body seemed to float up out of the house above the roof and I could see a truck passing below on the street. It was a really pleasn't feeling and my feet were just getting lighter and man I was off into the sky feeling really joyful. However, the golden being seemed to have split into two or there were another two golden beings on either side of my chest holding my hands and gently pulling me back onto the bed. I felt such love I cannot describe and they held me down for quiet some time. But then there were sexual components to the vision and a breast was in my right palm and a penis in my left (not my physical palms) while between my groin was this golden being again and it was tingling down there. It was a loving experience but now I really don't know if they were good beings or just beings setting me up for something and lying to me – damn it! (perhaps I was abducted and milked?)

And I feel similarly about the DCM experience at the pub – if the 4th density STS are in control here and I believe they are, was that what I was really seeing? And the whole dance invitation thing, was that just STS trying to trap me into relationships that would distract and tire me even more????

Personally, I think my life is now a total waste and I cannot trust my dreams, my visions, or myself at all. So why the hell stay here??? I am too sick to maintain my diet, I crave ganja, I hate tobacco and I am totally alone except for my occasional post here on this forum which last one went down like a lead “@#$#$&” brick! I hang out for the next transmission from the C's like a junkie and I cannot read any more cause I just get too tired and nothing sinks in.

If I was a Canuk Indian elder from years gone by I would just walk out into the snow and die. So really, no matter what has been said here, I really think that suicide is the way to go sometimes. But I want to sell the house first so my affairs are all settled. Jesus, I wish someone who really knew the answer could advise me. I feel soooo trapped but feel it is all my own damned fault!

Sorry for the outpouring – it just seems appropriate.

:(

 

[anart]

Hi LIMIT,

I think your 'outpouring' is a sign that you're not finished yet - it's a good thing. No one can do this alone and unless you communicate, no one has any idea what's going on in your life, so it's good that you've communicated!

Regarding the feelings of being worthless and exhausted and just wanting to 'leave' - they're much more common then you think; I've been there myself.

So, you've said it out loud - and as of now, you're still here. If you really think about it, you might realize that there's no question you're going to die - that's going to happen, likely sooner than you think, as it is for us all. Don't worry about dying, it will take care of itself, it always does. When you die all opportunity to transform while in this current physical vehicle ceases - all opportunity to affect others, to help, to learn, to suffer (and through that suffering, learn) to give, ceases.

With this in mind, it might be interesting to look at each day you have right now - say only for the next week if that's all you can muster - as an opportunity to do all of these things while you still can. It won't last forever. There will come a time when you can no longer do any of these things in this physical vehicle, so each day is a unique opportunity. Also, I think it's really important to realize that our impact on this life, on others, on this time line, need not be 'enormous' to be significant. Often times I think people get caught up in the idea that they have to do something 'really big' to be worthwhile or to make any difference at all and this is not the case. What seem to be the smallest things are often the most important; a change in another person's day due to something you've done and said can affect a thousand other things.

I think you'll find a reason to stay until you're finished, because I think it does matter and you do matter.

Now, onto the liver disease issue - the liver is the seat of anger, so you might benefit enormously to track that down and really look at where your anger comes from, how it grew and why you're holding onto it so strongly instead of letting it go. Also - the liver can regenerate, which means that you may have more avenues available than you think - this is, of course, assuming that you want those avenues to be available and that you want to take a look at yourself and take steps to give your body an opportunity to heal. We have people here who have healed from literally death's door due to diseases ranging from pancreatis to brain cancer and many things in between. So - you have some choices to make - I for one hope that you consider them seriously while you're still in a position to do it!

 

[davey72]

Thanks, to all for your insights on suicide.

It has stirred memories of my first experience of someone I knew who took their own life. I was about 14 at the time, 1961.

My Uncles wife probably had chemical imbalances, she was always morose and sad. I remember, when we were watching western movies on TV and some one would get shot she would get very upset, even cry. Assurances that they were just actors didn't console her. She was eventually diagnosed as being a schizophrenic.

My Uncle was a heavy drinker at the time. So she got little empathy and support at home. When she had a particularly bad episode they would take her to the local mental hospital for electric shock treatments. It must have been horrifying for her.

They lived in an older house. I remember that the kitchen she spent much of her day in was painted black. Who would paint a kitchen black?

One day she put on her Sunday best clothes and hung herself from a stairwell. Her son found her when he came home for lunch. After, her son, my cousin moved in with my Aunts parents. He never spoke to my Uncle again.

Her act was probably mechanical, she knew of no other way to escape her situation.

I hope she was able to find help where she has gone.

Sorry, for the sad story. I guess the sadness of the time still lives in me at some level. This occurred about 6 months after my dad died. The imprint of those times is with me still.

Mac

I can relate to "the sad times", as my daughter hung herself when she was just 14. The last time i had seen her she was 6, but i cried for like three days straight. The call i got from her mom, telling me this, was also the time that she told me that i was her father. I was overcome with greif for her, yet at the same time felt very silly, as i wasn't really close to her.

 

[davey72]

Davey, the fact you kept it together, despite lacking outside support, indicates profound inner strength. I'm truly happy for you.

We all walk different paths. I personally needed to experience both medicated and unmedicated "selves" to make certain realizations.

Take care and stay warm!

One thing that i would never have thought is that i have any kind of inner strength. Thank you for saying this. I do have an old girlfriend that is pretty spiritual nowadays, and she always says that she hopes one day i will see how powerful i really am. This has always confused me, cause she is the only one in my life that veiws me this way. Whenever she speaks like this, i feel guilty, like i really conned her good, as this has been my life up till now. Pretending to be someone i am not.
I too beleive i needed to experience these things, Perhaps for karmic reasons? I am still trying to experience the "unmedicated" me.

 

[davey72]

Forgive me if you can this STS emotional cry

I am feeling suicidal at the moment. I have failing health, my large family and all my old friends want nothing to do with me and neither do I. A couple of nights ago I forced myself to go a local pub to listen to a band, and while there had this rather pleasant experience of 'seeing' DCM in and around the people there who were dancing and socialising. I was quite alone except for this deep communication with what I supposed was DCM (it was like a sustained kiss with God). I must have looked happy 'cause a guy came up and invited me to join a dance group and learn as they needed a couple of males to partner some woman – nothing sexual, just country dancing. Well I said yes, and it felt like a gift. He also suggested I go to the local big dance in town the next night(last night) as it was raising funds for flood relief. I did this, and sat by myself in a corner – hey a lady came and asked me to dance but I said I didn't know how(and I don't) and another lady sat by me for awhile chatting but I couldn't dance with her either for the same reason. Besides it was really hot. Eventually she went off with some bloke and they danced like pros – it made me feel so small.

I want to be part of a social group, I am so awfully lonely, but my illness makes me confused and tired and I realised I cannot allow myself to join the dance group or start a relationship as I am just such a useless prick really, and I'm dying from liver disease...it just gets too damn much, but reading this thread has given me some strength to carry on in what to me is a most useless life.

The only hope I have to cling to is the sometimes loveliness of my dreams (when they are not full of warnings) and last nights dream segment seemed to be a message about witnessing, just observing, but my mind is so all over the place that I despair that nothing good will come of my frustration and goddamned self serving – Really I do dislike myself a lot. But is witnessing important to my higher self? I don't know if I even can trust my dreams and I'll tell you why soon.

I was reminded of this by davy72's story of his friend who died and was helped to reinhabit by angels...Here goes.

On the 19 Jan 2011, about 3pm, I lay down totally and completely depressed/exhausted to the prayer for the soul and then rest. Just a few days earlier I'd been tinking and planning to top myself in the car out in the garage – all planned. I'd told God (not threatening – just stating a fact) that if he didn't take me in the next few days I was going out there to take it myself – I was pretty serious about it – nothing I seem to do helps me get anywhere!!!!or become useful to anyone. I had even started to think about taking up smoking ganja again...damn.

Anyway, I am lying there repeating the prayer and must have fallen to sleep 'cause I had this strong vision of collapsing on the toilet in warm gooey poo. In my dream I was too damn sick to care and didn't even bother to get my pants off. Man I was so comfortable! And I knew I was dying. But then I realised I was still on the bed, and a golden fiery tornado like being was approaching me rapidly. My mind was confused (as usual) but the being seemed to be telling me to get up and go to the toilet, which I did.

When I got back I lay back down tired and became quickly aware of the golden being again. My body seemed to float up out of the house above the roof and I could see a truck passing below on the street. It was a really pleasn't feeling and my feet were just getting lighter and man I was off into the sky feeling really joyful. However, the golden being seemed to have split into two or there were another two golden beings on either side of my chest holding my hands and gently pulling me back onto the bed. I felt such love I cannot describe and they held me down for quiet some time. But then there were sexual components to the vision and a breast was in my right palm and a penis in my left (not my physical palms) while between my groin was this golden being again and it was tingling down there. It was a loving experience but now I really don't know if they were good beings or just beings setting me up for something and lying to me – damn it! (perhaps I was abducted and milked?)

And I feel similarly about the DCM experience at the pub – if the 4th density STS are in control here and I believe they are, was that what I was really seeing? And the whole dance invitation thing, was that just STS trying to trap me into relationships that would distract and tire me even more????

Personally, I think my life is now a total waste and I cannot trust my dreams, my visions, or myself at all. So why the hell stay here??? I am too sick to maintain my diet, I crave ganja, I hate tobacco and I am totally alone except for my occasional post here on this forum which last one went down like a lead “@#$#$&” brick! I hang out for the next transmission from the C's like a junkie and I cannot read any more cause I just get too tired and nothing sinks in.

If I was a Canuk Indian elder from years gone by I would just walk out into the snow and die. So really, no matter what has been said here, I really think that suicide is the way to go sometimes. But I want to sell the house first so my affairs are all settled. Jesus, I wish someone who really knew the answer could advise me. I feel soooo trapped but feel it is all my own damned fault!

Sorry for the outpouring – it just seems appropriate.

:(

Hi Limit. I hope you look at all the posts in this thread, and realize that there is a way out of despair, if you want to stay here, that is. I am curious as to what DCM means?
Have you tried the EE meditation?

 

[Vulcan59]

I am curious as to what DCM means?

It could either be Dot Connector Magazine or Divine Cosmic Mind. In the context used by LIMIT, it should be the latter. :)