The thing is, once we realize how badly we have treated others and to acknowledge it, we need to do as, I think it was, the Pressmans in
The Narcissistic Family said and put these thoughts and realizations into their own box and label it as Bad Things I Did to Others, or whatever you feel is appropriate. Then, let them go so that you can move back into the Present.
For if we live in the past, we can't really be in the present. And, if we're not in the present, then we can't move into the future, or so I think.
I'm not saying to forget all about what you have discovered about yourself, but to just put it away so that it doesn't hinder you from living. It will be there so that it can remind you if you're falling back into negative ways....just don't live there.
Thanks for the reminder Nienna. I've been feeling kind of stuck in a loop like Mari (thanks for sharing, Mari) and experiencing quite negative emotions. I thought I had a pretty good handle on my anger and other shameful emotions like hatred, guilt, self-hatred or shame, that I was able (or so I thought) to view past relationships and past hurts "from a distance", but it's coming back to me again, as if I haven't really processed and digested it all properly - especially my relationship with that guy who (externally) shared some of James Purnell's traits (Dell series) back when I was 18. When I view it from a distance, it's "OK" ("water under the bridge" and all that), but when I revisit it and reexperience the hurt as the girl I was, I feel stuck and can't let go, partly because I never really understood why he acted the way he did and why, at such a young age, when I was still naive and clueless, I "chose" to fall in love with that guy.
I need to find a balance, not to view myself as all victim, and him all guilty. It's hard - because I was still kind of "innocent" (or I choose to remember myself as such?!). Maybe I need to accept that he was "just a guy" (even if somewhat disturbed), that it was just a lesson, an experience, and that though I'll never know, he probably too had emotional baggage and wounds and his behaviour had nothing, or not much, to do with me. If I had been older, more assertive, less weak, more communicative, more independent, more this, less that… If, if, etc. It would be too easy to blame it all on him, since the bad choices I made later, when I was supposed to know better, were my own responsibility. Maybe, if I hadn't known him, I'd still have made bad choices and behaved like a shallow and self-absorbed girl. A sobering thought.
It's funny, because when telling it like this, it doesn't sound like such a big deal (I was not raped or physically abused) but it's been rather difficult for me to write (and post). It's difficult to integrate/accept that whatever happened, whatever was said or done (by both parties), how I choose to view that lesson is my responsibility. I can wallow in self-pity and anger, remain stuck in the past, getting nowhere. Or I can integrate the lesson, forgive myself and him, and move on. Sure, I can't deny it's still a big deal to me, even after all this time. I realize, reading those books and reflecting, that it is still probably colouring my view of men and relationships as something that essentially should make one suffer (not the right kind of suffering), and where people play mind games, manipulate, constantly blow hot and cold, despise, etc. In such "relationships", you're either the victim, or the torturer (or both in turns). I dare to think that that particular lesson has been learned, even if the girl I was (and who is still in there, somewhere) is still hurt.
I'll do the exercize with the boxes, it'll probably help. Much to ponder and digest, here. But, it DOES help writing about it. I feel somewhat lighter already.
). 
