Great post Emeral Rob, thank you.
The hungry ghosts still feed on me, I refuse to identify with any of it but bit by bit I find myself slipping further away. Disintegration where I’ve become almost incapable of doing anything. I’ve lost the last bit of control I was clutching to like precious gems and left to my own devices there is nothing I do that makes any positive impact on anyone or anything.
I fear my hungry ghosts also feed on my family and that I drag them down with me.
I show up here for comfort but cannot commit to doing The Work because I feel like a fraud, when I pray it feels non genuine - something outside me will save me if I pray enough, that’s not my intention but if I break it down that’s what it is, someone save me from myself because I can’t do it. I wear masks because if I reveal what’s really going on then I might have to take responsibility for it and that scares the shit out of me, so I contract and hide behind things so I can’t be accountable. Not just here, I do it in my day to life- it’s a coping mechanism that I’ve as yet been unable to identify- something went wrong, really wrong, but I don’t know what it is. I’ve always felt like this even as a child.
Addiction leaves a void that as Laura said usually needs another addiction to fill. What is an addict with nothing to be addicted to? How are we comfortable with life? How does anything have any meaning when we don’t identify with something?
I’ve been wanting to talk and open up about it but I’ve done it all before- got nowhere, and now I don’t have the time, the cognitive ability and the will is flailing, I shut down because the other option is beyond confronting, knowing I’ll be posting this is in a minute has my heart racing, exposed, and I can’t unsay it.
I must acknowledge that I owe Russell an apology. I am in no way of a position to cast judgment on him. I hope he finds what he is searching for.
Hi Fluffy ,firstly well done on summoning the courage to openly share what is going on for you-well done !a big step in the right direction.
I just came across this excerpt from the Cs in another post on the forum but it really rang true .
A: Yes. When you remember yourselves five or ten years ago, do you recognize the changes thus far?
Q: Everyone: “yes!”
A: Do you not suspect that these changes are also matched or mirrored in your most basic structure?
Q: (L) Hadn’t really thought about it.
A: This is how work on the self works! It prepares you for even more dramatic and rapid changes! And this is ”receivership capacity”.
Q: So, you’re saying when you work on yourself, and you change something from a certain level, that it acts on more fundamental levels even as far as your DNA? Which then enables you to receive finer or differently tuned energies, which can help to change you more? And if that happens, it enables you to achieve more and do more. Is that sort of what we’re getting at here?
A: Yes. Not quite clear as you put it; but close enough.
as with most things there is the inversion or opposite and If one was to apply addiction/hungary ghosts etc along the same as what is being said in the quote above you can see clearly how addiction and the void it leaves does exactly the same but in a harmful and self defeating way -like being a channel for unwholsome forces usually based in hatred,greed and delusion).
Youre not a fraud ! although your addiction based narrative is doing quite a thorough job of making you believe otherwise!
I recollect being in more or less the same dilemmas you have shared at different stages of early recovery.
All is not lost - youre here now reaching out in a very honest way (addiction doesnt operate this way!) That takes alot of courage , well done !
keep sharing and remember there is alot of support here that can facilate a recovery process- yes sometimes we need others to help us throw light on the situation,thats what we do here!
if your open to a few suggestions based from my own experience here are a few ropes to help you climb out !
maybe try and attend a few 12 step meetings in your locality -at least you will be listened too and supported with kindness from others who have been or are going through your current situation(whether you are using or not ).If you cant make physical meetings theres plenty on zoom globally.
Be kind and gentle on yourself within this transition, we didnt get this way overnight-so remember easy does it .
Maybe read some of the NA twelve step literature(all very practical and sound material IMO) heres a link
Narcotics Anonymous Informational Pamphlets - HAMASCNA
just be aware that addiction and hungary ghosts will try and talk you out of anything that involves taking reponsibility and becoming abetter person-it says somewhere in the NA literature ' through our inability to accept personal responsibility we were actually creating our own problems'
Going back to the quote from the Cs maybe re read it a few times .
dont hesitate to reach out to me and others here if you need help and let us know how youre doing.
with all the best wishes for you -you are in my prayers and thoughts -go well !
, and all of the buzzwords that always go with it. I get the impression that he’s still “got the [baptismal] water in his ears”. It’ll be interesting to see how long it takes for the shine to wear off. Right now he’s clearly still high as kite on his new (better than the best drugs) drug. But he said he’s always been him whatever he’s done, so we’ll see what happens when he realizes he’s still there. I wish him well. I really do. But I’ve seen this play out before. I’m going with wait and see.
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