If I may be honest, I don't feel like I'm really a good fit for this community. I don't really have the strength to put all my thoughts about what differences there are in myself that I feel keep me from developing a bond with you all here, but suffice it to say that my sorts of attitudes, outlooks on things, and my more general disposition are, I think, a poor fit for company for all the others I see here, and so am ambivalent about attempting to, I don't know, be more active around here, communicate more, interact and share ideas more. If I were to attempt to be more direct, I think I'd end up making myself sound like some sort of irreconcilable narcissist, or a broken individual is more like it. So, there's a lot of fear in me about not being able to open up here, I'm paralyzed at the thought of it almost.
Anyway, that brings me more to my real inquiry here, specifically about the crystal project, although the answer to that inquiry will, I think, be applicable to the matter of my place in the community here. Is there some expectation, something that I'm expected to do or perform? I'm already at the brink of ruination after all these months of study and meditation, it's been exceptionally deleterious for my mental health, I can't stop looking for the reasons in things and the meanings behind dreams and synchronistic events, and attempting to follow these threads has done almost nothing for day-to-day life, and it's only been since attempting to shelve all of this for a while that I've finally had the focus to start getting my problems in order and finally making some headway in my life, something other than stumbling down an endless pit of madness and despair.
I know this isn't making me any friends here, and if this tirade is deserving of a chewing-out, then by all means, please do chew me out, and thoroughly, but that's all I can make out of this strange journey so far since finding this website. I won't beat around the bush over this stuff.
In turning my focus as far as I could imagine towards being of service to others, I've almost entirely neglected anything of a more personal nature that would do anything meaningful towards helping me to empower myself in the world and help to fulfill my hopes and dreams. I feel I'd be dishonest if I said that I think the latter would help contribute towards making myself able to more meaningfully contribute towards this "network", if indeed I am a member of such, but that is what I'm rolling with at the present. If all this trouble has been born from an innocuously small, but grave, and thus-far uncorrected error in my judgement, well... I don't, maybe it makes me a severe imbecile of sorts, it's your call.
If all this hasn't already made me an unwelcome individual on this site or a deplorable, self-centered ingrate to you all, then there is only one thing that I would ask, as there is no one else I know that would possibly have an answer to what assails me (I feel I've tried any good-will beyond a reasonable extent that I'd imagine, but since I've already gone this far, I may as well finish this posting) and I need help.
I had a successful job interview recently after months of soul-searching and at least a couple months of of job-searching. I waffle on a lot of things, but, FINALLY, I was willing to surrender myself to what things God has in store for me, finally willing to put myself out there in whatever ways would be necessary, and, that same day, I think I received an acknowledgement of that, which answered everything I could've WANTED
