Laura,
Thank you for this wealth of information on narcissists and their behaviour.
I have been reading these informative posts since March of this year when I had to attend to a family emergency in North America. My brother was seriously injured, and my parents and I flew in to be at his side. my younger brother who, exhibits many, if not all narcissistic traits.
I really have been keeping my thoughts and observations to myself, and tried relating that fact to my parents, but their Christian beliefs (especially turn the other cheek) prevent them from seeing my brother as such (a narcissist).
It's quite amazing how a narcissist is able to look good to others, while at the same time, make you feel bad, (and sometimes react accordingly), causing others to perceive you, the sane one as crazy!
I have read from the various links posted by Laura, that when interacting with narcs, it is essential that you don't display too much emotion, if any at all. It seems they feed of negative emotional reactions.
Living in the presence of a narcissist is really akin to trying to shelter a storm with no roof over one's head. More like a hurricane with multiple eyes. There seems to be calm, but you never really quite know when the calm is about to end. It's like walking on eggshells living in the presence of such individuals. You never know what to say, and what reaction an innocent comment will elicit.
The narcissists manipulate human emotions so easily! They fluctuate between moods as easily as eye blinking.
Example- Me and my younger brother playing some xbox. Everything is going ok, we joke, talk crap, u know, just chilling. I get comfortable..... I relax..... I show my human side. I took the bait!
Suddenly the mood shift. Sudden character assassination for being good at a particular game. Catches me off guard, throws me off balance completely! Expletives being thrown at me, cynical and critical comments hurled at me like bombshells! Imagine the confusion! Sheesh!
This happened in April. I was dumbfounded. I thought it was my fault.
Then those scenarios started to increase in frequency. Sudden anger trips, after we've "kissed and made up". It's like he was intentionally trying to keep me in a stat of confusion and emotional turmoil!
There would be numerous incidents like these. I felt degraded. I lost my confidence. I didn't want to approach people at the gym. I kept to myself, because I felt so vulnerable and exposed, that I just thought that everyone is out to get me. (I'm a big, but sensitive guy. I have a heart. I don't consider myself to be a macho man). Due to his injuries and their healing time period, I had to stay with the dude over a 6 week period. Honestly, it was like living in hell. I had no escape. My soul felt trapped. I felt as if I couldn’t reveal my true feelings or myself in my brother’s presence, because it would be ‘preyed upon’ I felt as if the gym was my only refuge. During that time frame, I felt so bitter, frustrated and anxious, I would have felt more comfortable and secure living in a park on a bench. I have never felt so spiritually violated. I don’t know if anyone out there has ever felt so ‘exposed’ and vulnerable due to constant emotional manipulation and negative verbal barrage (maybe even psychic attacks)
Now, at the time, my younger brother was undergoing recovery from multiple injuries. When I would explain the scenarios to my mom, who at the time was overseas, she blamed it on the Morphine. An excuse which my brother quickly started using in his defense. She, being a good Christian mother, kept asking me to just bear with it. Don’t let it get to you. But she wasn’t the one being targeted.
Now, from what I’ve learned about narcs is that they will never bite the hand that feeds them unless that hand is no longer useful to them. My brother shows this really brilliant, jovial, decent side to my parents, while terrorizing me. Thus when I complain to my folks about how horrible the guy’s behavior is, they sometimes question me.
One day, during april, while my brother was still in recovery at this really kind lady’s house, the anger bomb exploded.
Scenario: I had a good workout session at the gym the previous night. I had minimum contact with my younger brother for 2 days. I woke up the following morning, completely forgetting that I’m living with a narcissist / emotional predator. I’m preparing breakfast, humming this nice tune that I’ve got in my head. Sit down to eat breakfast. Enjoying the protein shake and the Udo’s oil. Guess who walks in with the most toxic aura?
The first thing, before even a good morning, is a negative remark. He had to find some means of confusing me, of trying to drain me. The negative remark pertained to some chicken he cooked. He mentioned the night before that I’m free to grab some chicken. (big mistake. Don’t ever take anything, or any favors from a narcissist. They most definitely will use it against you). I checked the chicken, took a small fork full, and covered the pan. Ooh the guy blew up for that. Since I didn’t eat, I left it on the hob assuming that he would come eat later. Wrong assumption!
That was a sort of weakness, a sort of invite for criticism and the blame game. (Making a mistake in the presence of a narcissist is their cue for character assassination.)
The dude started raising his voice, all the while, I was maintaining mine. He was probing me, looking for all weak points to try to break me. None worked. I was still calm and peaceful, enjoying my lovely shake and sandwich.
(apparently, being happy and carefree is quite offensive to narcissists. Being genuinely happy and having peace of mind sort of triggers them to go into chaos mode)
So then, he upped the ante, putting his hands in my face, coming up to me as in too close for comfort. I maintained my cool. Funny enough, when he realized that I’m not going to take the bait, he started defaming my character, calling me faggot, graphically describing how I get anally abused. In retrospect, it is hilarious, but at the time, I had to get out of the house.
That was my last straw. I called my folks up asking that I get booked on the next flight out of the country. Guess what happened? Good ole mum made excuses for my narc brother. I know she was hurting, because I was their representative in another country, and they wanted family to be around my brother during his recovery process. So, reluctantly I stayed. Not before being unwillingly apologized to by my brother. Apparently my parents warned him that I was going to leave. In my heart, I know the guy just saw me as a source of food, a punching bag, if you will, to master his destructive emotional manipulation techniques.
It was after this emotionally and spiritually exhausting experience I got an urge to check the SOTT forum, because I was convinced the dude was possessed. It’s because I would feel tormented after an argument. I felt as if my very soul was being violated. I came across Martha stout’s ‘Myth of Sanity’, read about multiple personality disorder, and the like. Thank God I decided to check the Cassiopaea forum.
I discovered a wealth of info on this forum, and also the posted links. The information obtained literally fed my soul. I started realizing that I wasn’t going crazy. I’m not just too ‘sensitive’. Other people have been suffering at the hands of narcissists for ages.
Thank goodness for the internet! No more suffering in silence. Those posts Laura made resonated so deeply with me because I was going through so many of the scenarios posted. I was searching for an answer in quiet desperation.
Knowledge indeed protects, because, the methods of attack are the same, especially with narcissists. With me, the scenario would be: find a fault or a reason to argue, if not much negative emotional reaction, up the ante with more verbal abuse, physical expressions of anger and even confrontation.
Fast forward to September. My younger brother’s injuries have healed. I decide to visit him, thinking that he’s changed, because, I really want to believe that he is good deep down, and that there is a heart, there is a conscience.(genuine human beings project their values, their love for humanity onto others; I mean, the narcissists and psychopaths look like us, sometimes speak like us, appear to have genuine emotions and conscience, so why not?)
WRONG! Same scenario!
Who was I kidding? The guy was still the same, and became even stronger in his manipulative ways!
I promised myself that it’s the last time I let my mom talk me into visiting my younger brother again. My parents have gotten glimpses of his true nature, but since he is being funded by them, he has to behave. With me on the other hand, he lets the negativity loose. I was once accused by him of not accepting reality! (apparently his narcissistic reality).
The final straw was a nuke of an argument over a brita filter jug. I was filling out some documents, focusing on my task at hand, then boom! The bomb exploded. I was accused of never putting the filtered water in the refrigerator; I walked out refusing to tolerate another argument. more verbal assault ensued. Returned to the apartment, the confrontation began to take on a physical aspect, in that my personal space was being violated. All the while I kept my calm. A non stop baragge to throw me off balance, to ‘steal my goat’ to disrupt my peace of mind. Sigh!
I didn’t engage, I remained calm. Did a quiet meditation to rejuvenate my spirit. For some reason, that meditation was really good. I was laying on a sofa, with headphones on my ears, with a smile on my face. Big mistake!
The guy cuts himself in the kitchen, turns on the light directly over the sofa I’m laying on. This disturbed me, so I requested that it be put off please. A resounding ‘NO’ was the answer. I knew the dude wanted a second round in order to elicit some negative emotional reaction, because being calm pisses them off!
I was then accused of not caring, blah blah blah. I got up to go to the bathroom, and guess who almost pushes me over in trying to get past? You guessed it. My brother.
So, I had to issue a warning ‘Please don’t do that again”. More confrontation ensued. I think he wanted me to get angry and hit him, thus portraying himself as a victim; I’d look like the bad guy who knocked out his younger brother. Had that happened, his sympathizers would have labeled me evil. He’d be the hero, the good guy.
Luckily, I didn’t take the bait. i would refrain from raising my voice or engaging in heated argument. I kept backing off and requesting that my personal space be respected.
Upon realizing that I won’t take the bait, he walked away, calling me degrading names, cussing me out, foul mouthed as a sailor .
10 to 20 minutes later, my parents decide to call. Guess who is the chirpiest bird, the world’s happiest person? My younger brother. After a loud, heated argument, trying to get me to react illogically and emotionally with his nasty verbal assaults, this guy is on the phone with my parents as if nothing happened. If anything, that ticked me off. I left the apartment refusing to be a part of this hypocrisy. I didn’t respond to their calls for the entire day. I think that was the intention. He acts like everything is alright, while I’m complaining, and being bitter. I admit, it did work.
But I decided then and there to move into another place. I honestly would have been happier in a shelter for the homeless. (at the time, so I thought). In retrospect, I realize that I was in such a bad place emotionally and spiritually, that I couldn’t think clearly. I felt drained and confused. It’s like my heart centre got squeezed to the point of no return. I had work at a new company the following day, and I was reserved completely and in my shell. I’m not usually like that. I felt like a victim of abuse, with nowhere to turn to. The worst thing was that I had no money to move out, so I had to stay with my narc brother a week longer. I swear I almost went insane. It’s like there’s nowhere to turn, nowhere to hide, nowhere to seek refuge. Something about his presence affected me negatively.
(Brings to mind the C’s session – 05/03/97 wherein the C’s mention that TK’s wife is an EM vector).
Here’s a quote:
One major thing we see from the above is that our "associations" can be crucial. Of course, if we are AWARE that anyone and everyone can be used as an "EM vector" to modulate our frequency or behavior or thinking, then we have some protection. But to be unaware of it, to be in close association with those who are unaware themselves, and therefore subject to this manipulation, is to be firmly "in the trap."
But suppose one person in a relationship begins to "wake up," and becomes aware (even if only vaguely), that all is not as it seems. They will have continual glimpses of the reality, mostly when not in the presence of the other individual. They may clearly see that something is not working, that it is not right, and may even make decisions to change it or to leave. But the instant the other person is physically present with their EM vectoring capabilities, the glimpses of truth are "damped" or even shut down and the waking person begins to feel schizophrenic or crazy in some way for having such conflicting and opposing thoughts. Add to this the social and religious enculturation to "turn the other cheek" or "suffer because it's noble and holy," and you have the recipe for cooking the Wanderer's goose!
After reading this, I realized that all these symptoms were relevant to my experience. On my own, I get glimpses of reality, get motivated to do some reading, but the moment he walks in, he does stuff (consciously or subconsciously) to disturb or distract me. Coincidence? Hmm…. Maybe not. :/
Fast forward again to today, I have moved into a room of my own. I’m no longer affected by my brother’s toxic behavior towards me, but what’s getting me now is pity. I’m starting to pity him, the narcissist, who has gleefully degraded my character, and confused me emotionally and drained me spiritually.
Q: My God! I also noticed that several of us have been involved with persons and relationships that seem designed to confuse, defuse, and otherwise distort our learning, as well as drain our energy. Basically, keeping us so stressed that we cannot fulfill our potential. Is there some significance to this observation?
A: That is elementary, my dear Knight!
Q: One of the things I have learned is that these individuals seem to attach via some sort of psychic hook that enters through our reactions of pity. Can you comment on the nature of pity?
A: Pity those who pity.
Q: But, the ones who are being pitied, who generate sensations of pity, do not really pity anybody but themselves.
A: Yes...?
Q: Then, is it true as my son said, when you give pity, when you send love and light to those in darkness, or those who complain and want to be "saved" without effort on their own part, when you are kind in the face of abuse and manipulation, that you essentially are giving them power to further their disintegration, or contraction into self- ishness? That you are powering their descent into STS?
A: You know the answer!
Q: My God! Yes. I have seen it over and over again. Were the individuals in our lives selected for the extremely subtle nature of their abilities to evoke pity, or were we programmed to respond to pity so that we were blind to something that was obvious to other people?
A: Neither. You were selected to interact with those who would trigger a hypnotic response that would ultimately lead to a drain of energy.
Q: (T) Well, it is a fact, because my energy is sure drained. (L) What is the purpose of this draining of energy?
A: What do you think?
Q: (T) So you can't concentrate or do anything. You can't get anywhere with anything.
A: Or, at least not the important things.
Q: (T) Is that why my concentration is so low?
A: Yes. You are dealing with a no-win situation!! As you know.
Q: (T) So, if I don't get out, I will just keep going down. Is it the area or the person?
A: Both. One is wrapped within the other.
And the ‘hooks of pity’ have got to my parents also. Since I’ve moved out and been on my own, I get the feeling that my mom is sad, and hurt that I can’t seem to get along with my brother. I swear this Christian programming which teaches that suffering is holy especially at the hands of the wicked, is twisted! I think what my parents want ideally, is for me to cohabit peacefully with my brother; tolerate his crap because he’s younger, pretend to the world that everything is alright, have a united front, because we are both in a foreign country, in the same city. I’m working, he’s in college.
I have personally decided to not be part of that, and actually requested that my parents excommunicate me, because I don’t want any guilt or pity trips. I am a second time survivor to the antics and exploits of a narcissistic person. What really hurts is that it’s my younger brother. Sigh. And since my parents don’t see the perspective that I’m seeing it from, I guess it’s going to be tough for them accepting that I want to keep my distance from my blood brother.
I do apologize for the extremely long post forumites. :)
