I like to write a minor update, with some insights I got today.
Psyche said:
You also admitted being somewhat careless with your insulin calculations in the past. Also, didn't you mentioned something about feeling better when you had school days and that you felt worse when staying at home? It seems that everything is related.
Yeah, that's somehow the tricky part. In school I felt the last days much better (only needed to correct the hourly insulin rate, to get the blood-sugar more smooth) and waited eagerly what is happening when I'm staying at home, with the result: nothing changed, also without any legumes. Blood-sugar is much better, more stable than before.
Yesterday I prayed intensely before going to bed what I could do, what's the reason why I'm still feeling bad, and after some hours I woke up and wrote something down: "Nonetheless to start the things I have to do," that means to start learning also when I'm feeling not comfortable.
And still not feeling well and it doesn't matter what I'm eating, I concluded that it is a psychological set up, to postpone the things I have to do, to get into a comfort zone. Today also a psycho book arrived: "Get out of your own way. Overcoming self-defeating behavior" by Mark Goulston, M.D., and Philip Goldberg, because I didn't find that much information about self-sabotaging on the web and how to deal with it. Where I started to read into some chapters and could see myself in the descriptions, for example:
When, instead we feel uneasy, we take it as a sign that we are not truly ready. Giving in to that feeling can be disastrous. When we look back on our lives, we regret not what we did but what we wanted to do and didn't.
[...]
The challenge is not to eliminate discomfort, but to recognise when you are as ready as you will ever be. If you wait until you are perfectly at ease, you may wait so that life will pass you by.
And I remembered something what a friend wrote me many years back, where afterwards and before had been pretty angry with him: "You are a man who likes to stand in his own way."
Now this sentence, is more actual then before, also when I never knew how to change it, hopefully the book can give me some practical hints.
Psyche said:
It is very important to clean one's diet so we can focus better and so we can work better on our programs. Some foods create so much brain inflammation, that some pesky programs might be just that: brain inflammation. But is it possible to project externally a mood reaction to a food as a means to avoid looking into deeper wounds? After all, what we eat is something that we can control. But when it comes to matters of the soul, it is not that easy. Well, in any case, regardless if its a food or a matter of the soul, I think that the important thing is to detoxify the body, the mind AND the soul.
With all that in mind and all what happened it definitely is.
Psyche said:
Louise Hay says: "Diabetes Longing for what might have been. A great need to control. Deep sorrow. No sweetness left."
This Louise Hay quote seems to sum up some of the posts that you have written in the past, don't you think?
This "interpretation" of Diabetes from Louise Hay, gave me some month back already some food for thought and it is very fitting. Where self-defeating, self-blaming takes it role, all others do much better than me and it doesn't matter what I achieved, I have been always too bad. It's also to ask for help, to talk to others, or even to use the POTS, I never felt
worse (to use this misspelling, I meant worth) enough to ask, pray... because I justified myself: "It's not so bad...".
It must be something really deep-rooted, because when I take the EE session into account, there happened to be almost no session, where I didn't cry.
Psyche said:
Well, in a sense these feelings or thoughts of "these people are bad, how can they know" are something that may arise when you are trying to deny something very painful. It serves to prevent looking deeper into your personal situation. It may be easier or less painful to think that others are bad, that they don't know better, that they don't know me. This is a situation that you can control because then, "you can explain" to these bad people how things really are, that you just have to make them understand and so forth. "They are at fault, not me." It is a way to control the situation at the expense of avoiding the reality of your situation and avoiding painful mourning of your childhood. It reinforces your illusions. Perhaps you may find that these thoughts of "these people are bad, how can they know" stop when you start mourning for a painful past that cannot be changed.
I'm working on it.
Vectis said:
Thanks so much Psyche! Things I needed that I need to hear.
Greetings Gawan, I'm glad for this thread topic, I have learned so much.
Good luck, and don't give up! Remember to smile, that's what I force
myself to do when my whole body is sore. Somehow smiling makes
endorphins kick in, it helps make me feel a little better at least.
I'm glad that it is of help for you too!