I stumbled upon some intellectual jokes.
A Roman senator arrives late for a session and finds that Cicero is already in the middle of one of his long speeches. After trying to catch up for a few minutes he gives up and asks another senator, "what is he talking about now?" and the man replies: "I don't know, we're still waiting for the verb".
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells "We got 'em!"
Who does Polyphemus hate more than Odysseus?
Nobody
So, after a long day's work in the lab, Pavlov sits down in the pub for a cold beer and some snacks. Everything's calm, until somebody rings the bell for the waiter. Pavlov immediately tenses up, jumps from his chair (almost knocking over his pint), exclaiming: "Holy shit! I have to feed the damn dog!"
A physicist runs a red light, and a cop pulls her over.
"Ma'am," says the cop, "you just ran a red light."
"It looked like it was green to me, officer."
The cop writes her a ticket for speeding instead.
A Roman senator walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The bartender looks at him quizzically and says, "you mean a martini?"
The senator shakes his head and replies, "no thanks, just one."
What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause!
A physicist, a chemist, and an economist are lost in the woods and their only food is a can of soup, but none of them has a can opener. The physicist says, "I can solve this. I'll climb to the top of that tree and drop the can. The impact with the ground will cause it to open." The chemist says, "I've got a solution. We'll build a fire and put the can over it and the pressure from the heat will cause it to open." The economist says, "Okay, let's assume we have a can opener."
Two philosophers are walking down the street. They see two women screaming at each other across the street from opposite houses. "You see", says one philosopher to the other, "these women can never agree, because they are arguing from different premises".
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of red, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later Holmes woke up, nudged his faithful friend and said, "Watson, I want you to look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."
Sherlock said, "And what does that tell you?"
After a minute or so of pondering Watson said, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Metereologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day today. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for about 30 seconds and said, "Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"