Azur I think you’ve frozen yourself into a corner of your own making. It sucks that Anart was harsh, but life goes on. I think your reputation and how others perceive you is an evolving thing, and the only thing keeping you frozen is your own obsession with past situations.
I think it may help to remember that this is a school of sorts - a network, but also has students and instructors, even though everyone is always a student. And it’s always moving forward - everyone is busy living, researching, networking.
And with that said, if you’re moving forward and evolving and growing, then I doubt anyone will hold some stupid conflict you may have had in the past against you.
I joined this group before the forum - during the casschat yahoo group era. And when I came in board, being wet behind the ears in so many ways, I’ve said some really dumb things, arrogant things, inconsiderate things, and frankly embarrassing things. That’s life. I was quickly brought down to earth by the responses. I also had some personal exchanges with Laura and Ark, and even my dad at the time, who was concerned that I joined some kind of cult, wrote an email to Laura (and received a genuine heartfelt response that went right over his head) at the time. I shared issues with my family, etc. I’ve been a SOTT editor and within that year was removed from that role. I was briefly part of the Quantum Future Group and was also removed - I was struggling with issues, both family related and personal responsibility and commitment, etc.
So no you don’t have the full story, and just because Anart didn’t tear me a new one on a thread you may have seen, doesn’t mean that everything was smooth and peachy or something.
And you know what happened? Life just.. went on. I learned from my mistakes, and made others, and I continue the daily struggle with my machine and am a work in progress in many many ways.
I could sit here and dwell on how I disappointed the forum, the admins, Laura, whatever. How I can’t show my face in public because I didn’t follow through on all the suggestions and advice I received in the way I should’ve. However, as I said, this is a school - we make mistakes, but no one holds them over your head like a badge of dishonor - we learn, improve, and keep going. It’s your life.
And everyone is just too busy - your obsession with the past is all on your head, no one is concerned about it or “expects” things of you. They are really too busy! Just look around at all the amazing reading and work being done!
Stop trying to argue for your own acceptance into “the club” - whether that be the fellowship, the forum, or anything else. Just do what’s in you to do, and trust the process - your value to others is up to you, and evolves day to day, and not determined by past mistakes, assuming they weren’t agregious.
Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to talk to a therapist to allow yourself to get past your own self-imposed block. But I think the best thing you could do, is just to serve others. The C’s have said this multiple times - just engage with life, give to others, be genuine and true, and you will naturally clear blocks and integrate yourself into a community where your actions and words have value. I think if you just did that, you will find that this is a loving, forgiving, objective, and very fair group of people who demand nothing, but appreciate who you are today if you simply give of yourself. No one knows who you are today if you hid yourself from everyone after things didn’t go your way.
So dust yourself off, and don’t stress so much over things that more than likely don’t matter at all. You’ll naturally end up exactly where you should end up, based on who you are, which can only be seen through your present and consistent actions. Everything else is water under the bridge, unless you choose to drown in it and stay under the bridge - but that’s up to you.
PS - do the recommended readings! Focus on learning so you have something to contribute. Have you read Darwin’s Black Box and the associated thread? Mind blowing!
I think it may help to remember that this is a school of sorts - a network, but also has students and instructors, even though everyone is always a student. And it’s always moving forward - everyone is busy living, researching, networking.
And with that said, if you’re moving forward and evolving and growing, then I doubt anyone will hold some stupid conflict you may have had in the past against you.
I joined this group before the forum - during the casschat yahoo group era. And when I came in board, being wet behind the ears in so many ways, I’ve said some really dumb things, arrogant things, inconsiderate things, and frankly embarrassing things. That’s life. I was quickly brought down to earth by the responses. I also had some personal exchanges with Laura and Ark, and even my dad at the time, who was concerned that I joined some kind of cult, wrote an email to Laura (and received a genuine heartfelt response that went right over his head) at the time. I shared issues with my family, etc. I’ve been a SOTT editor and within that year was removed from that role. I was briefly part of the Quantum Future Group and was also removed - I was struggling with issues, both family related and personal responsibility and commitment, etc.
So no you don’t have the full story, and just because Anart didn’t tear me a new one on a thread you may have seen, doesn’t mean that everything was smooth and peachy or something.
And you know what happened? Life just.. went on. I learned from my mistakes, and made others, and I continue the daily struggle with my machine and am a work in progress in many many ways.
I could sit here and dwell on how I disappointed the forum, the admins, Laura, whatever. How I can’t show my face in public because I didn’t follow through on all the suggestions and advice I received in the way I should’ve. However, as I said, this is a school - we make mistakes, but no one holds them over your head like a badge of dishonor - we learn, improve, and keep going. It’s your life.
And everyone is just too busy - your obsession with the past is all on your head, no one is concerned about it or “expects” things of you. They are really too busy! Just look around at all the amazing reading and work being done!
Stop trying to argue for your own acceptance into “the club” - whether that be the fellowship, the forum, or anything else. Just do what’s in you to do, and trust the process - your value to others is up to you, and evolves day to day, and not determined by past mistakes, assuming they weren’t agregious.
Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to talk to a therapist to allow yourself to get past your own self-imposed block. But I think the best thing you could do, is just to serve others. The C’s have said this multiple times - just engage with life, give to others, be genuine and true, and you will naturally clear blocks and integrate yourself into a community where your actions and words have value. I think if you just did that, you will find that this is a loving, forgiving, objective, and very fair group of people who demand nothing, but appreciate who you are today if you simply give of yourself. No one knows who you are today if you hid yourself from everyone after things didn’t go your way.
So dust yourself off, and don’t stress so much over things that more than likely don’t matter at all. You’ll naturally end up exactly where you should end up, based on who you are, which can only be seen through your present and consistent actions. Everything else is water under the bridge, unless you choose to drown in it and stay under the bridge - but that’s up to you.
PS - do the recommended readings! Focus on learning so you have something to contribute. Have you read Darwin’s Black Box and the associated thread? Mind blowing!
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Ofcourse it will be a secret if the PTBs are already using it.
