How To Deal With Psychopaths
If you leave the psychopath, you can expect that he will either be the type who doesn't make any "noise" but ruins your reputation by spreading lies, or you can expect a lot of open manipulation (a final attempt to gain power and control).
For example, I left a psychopath, and to this day, if given the opportunity, he will tell friends to warn me that I am nothing but a "bug" on his windshield and that he has the ability to destroy me like an insect. Meanwhile, he has also spread false stories about me to anyone who'll listen.
Why does he do this?
After dealing with this annoying behaviour for nearly two years, I've come to a conclusion: Even though they cannot really love another person, and lack real deep-seated emotions, psychopaths relate to others through power and control. If someone should actually attempt to "demean" (in his eyes, this is very real) his power and control, he will react to some extent. The psychopath also made himself appear in control by stating that he "kicked" me out, even though he lived in his mother's house. Later on, he also told my friend that I was nothing but an "experiment" to him, after I had lost money, time, and suffered immensely because of his lying and manipulation. By suffering, I also count extreme depression which lasted nearly two years, as he did not stop attacking me in the two years after (even to this day) that I left him.
I believe that some individuals are strong enough to stand up to the psychopath; unfortunately, not all people are, and most psychopaths succeed in permanently damaging their victims. This is why we clearly need more support groups for people who have been in relationships with psychopaths.
In sum, the experience of dealing with a psychopath can be very troubling for most people, not to mention, when he is through with you, you can be sure that you will be vilified falsely, no doubt about it. I recently asked Field about what one can do when faced with the lies of a psychopath (Field refers to them as sociopaths) and the apparent absence of justice when it comes to their behaviour - - Field's response was:
"The main lesson I have learnt is that when dealing with a sociopath, the normal rules of etiquette do not apply. You are dealing with someone who has no empathy, no conscience, no remorse, and no guilt...It is a completely different mindset. Words like 'predator' and 'evil' are often used."
If you try to deal with psychopaths in an ethical manner, you will be in for a shock. Dr. William Higgins claims that you "can't negotiate or bargain with psychopaths."
Psychopaths will not only deny the past and trivialize it, but will avoid answering your questions directly, and even if they seem to answer them -- you can be sure that it's not the answer you were looking for. It has been said that even when they do give you a straight answer, the real issue will never be addressed by them, although they may even claim to be honourable when it suits them. But don't be fooled, for this is where the psychopath wants his victim -- he wants to shame you while at the same time fitting you into his plans; this is because "psychopaths show a stunning lack of concern for the devastating effects their actions have on others. Often they are completely forthright about the matter, calmly stating that they no have no sense of guilt, are not sorry for the pain and destruction they have caused, and that there is no reason for them to be concerned." [Hare, 41].
On the other hand, "psychopaths sometimes verbalize remorse but then contradict themselves in words or actions." [Hare, 41]. Psychopaths may apologize or show remorse only to get away with something, but in the end you will be stabbed in the back and realize how very shallow their words were.
The psychopath appears not to be able to remember what they had said or committed to for very long. They seem to always be living in the present. That is why they are usually guilty of being big "promise- makers" who cannot live up to their word. Once again, it will be the victim who must deal with the aftermath of all the psychopath's twists and turns, and when he gets you angry enough, you will be discredited as "defective" by him, and the psychopath will often make himself out to be the real victim. As John Wayne Gacy once said, "I was the victim, I was cheated out of my childhood."
What often happens in the aftermath, as Field has stated, is that the victim may repress his or her anger for a quite a while, but then, often many months later, a sudden realization of the truth may come over the individual, and the victim will finally realize that all along he/she has been bullied by the psychopath. This is when the victim suddenly becomes very angry and is motivated to have some sort of justice. But when trying to obtain justice with a psychopath, be aware that you will be the one to pay if you don't take a firm stand; the experience will have you more confused and bewildered, and you may even feel tempted to fight fire with fire.
In some cases, our society allows psychopathy because we do not really fight back against cheating and lying behaviours (one good example: Bill Clinton). They are also good at tricking their own psychiatrists. For instance, two individuals I (Wendy Koenigsmann) knew bragged that they liked to play mind-games with psychiatrists.
"I was the case-study; they could never figure out what was wrong with me, so I would just play mind-games with them" commented one of them. He also learned, from reading about psychiatry and having therapy, that he could just "blame someone else" to get away with things. "I just blame someone else" he said, nonchalantly.
When asked, in particular, why he hated his mother so much, (he claimed she physically/mentally/emotionally abused him), he replied, "Because my mother projects all of the assholes she's ever been dumped by on me."
That is why Hare believes that therapy makes psychopaths worse; most of them learn about human emotions through psychiatry, and they are "eager to attribute their faults and problems to childhood abuse." [Hare, 50]. Also, "antisocials (psychopaths) themselves can be uncooperative or unpleasant, complicating efforts to study and treat them." [Black, 12].
As for recovery from the psychopath, despite the pain that may be left (some people never recover, according to Field), you will learn how very uncomplicated yet cowardly the psychopath's means of keeping cool is. It's just the way the psychopath must function to maintain their rather fragile (but set in stone for life) self-image.
While few psychopaths commit violent crimes, the callousness of the average psychopath usually ranges through subtle, but still devastating misdeeds:
"Parasitically bleeding other people of their possessions, savings, and dignity; aggressively doing and taking what they want; shamefully neglecting the physical and emotional welfare of their families; engaging in an unending series of casual, impersonal, and trivial sexual relationships; and so forth." [Hare, 45].
This is a main feature of their lack of empathy.Also, be forewarned that the psychopath will expend much effort (at the victim's cost), in setting up plans, expectations, etc., but they give very little, or nothing, in return. When he knows he's done something to you which you may not comply with, he'll have an escape route ready. Most normal people do the same thing, in a general sense, but the psychopath does it out of pure selfishness, greed, and callousness. He won't care whether it hurts your feelings or not, whatever treachery he enacts will not be disguised once the show is over with him.
I (Wendy Koenigsmann) would like to recount the experience of a friend of mine from Japan. She had been communicating with a man who lived in San Diego for over a year, and during the time of their correspondences and phone calls, he seemed so "sweet, caring, and kind." She mentioned how beautifully written his emails were, and so on.
It came to pass that this man asked my friend to marry him, and, to top it off, he promised her that he had a job ready for her in the city where he lived, he even sent her a letter from the company with all the information.
Well, my friend believed him and came to the United States to marry him.
On their first meeting, she mentioned how it was already the beginning of the end, and how she should have seen it coming. She told him, after they met at the airport, that she needed to make a phone call, and instead of letting her use his cell-phone, he told her to use the pay-phone. My friend, albeit naive, mentioned that this contradicted his persona on the phone and through emails. She said she was a bit shocked, but nevertheless she married him.
As the weeks went by, things got worse. She found out that there was no job, and that the letter he had sent her was actually just the letterhead from the company copied onto another paper. In other words, her new husband had committed forgery in order to trick her.
Next, she began to receive phone calls from women in the Philippines and Canada who told her that her new husband had been inviting them (via online) to come and live with him. My friend was so distraught that she told these women over and over that he was lying to all of them while playing the biggest trick of all on her. The women didn't believe it (why do women tend to disbelieve another woman when they are trying to warn them?), but eventually, my friend told them "If you want to see the proof that I am married to him, then come here and I will prove it."
Eventually, she learned from friends and family that Mr. Wonderful was a pathological liar who had a long history of using women and having his mother cover his tracks for him, and, sad to say, this wasn't the only one she ran into. I can say the same, that is why I've written this website, (Wendy Koenigsmann) because I can tell you that these people are out there, and I don't want anything to happen to anyone else or go through what my friend or myself have experienced. It is my goal that through my website, more people, not only women, but men, will become informed and not become victims themselves, because it is truly a painful experience to deal with.
So, what is the lowdown on dealing with psychopaths?
Either avoid them, or, once you know or suspect what they are, avoid them.
Any further contact with a psychopath will be truly damaging. Once you have been involved with a few of them, like many people I know, you also learn to watch for the "red flags." This doesn't mean you should be paranoid about people, just careful.
The fact is, regardless of all studies and new therapies, psychopaths are "hard-wired" for life-long bad behaviour. Leland M. Heller, M.D., writes that people who have this disorder have symptoms which include lying, cheating, cruelty, criminal behaviour, irresponsibility, lack of remorse, poor relationships, exploitation, manipulation, destructiveness, irritability, aggressiveness, and job failures. Many do not exhibit criminal behaviour, but act antisocially in socially acceptable professions.
Alcohol makes the disorder worse, and psychopaths are very prone to substance abuse. The causes are often "poor parental discipline, association with "bad" kids, and poor bonding with parents..." [Heller, 75]. But the causes can also be mostly biological.
Another characteristic is their unusual word usage, because they can't distinguish between neutral and emotional words. One psychopathic individual told me that he was "deftly afraid of needles" once, but the word deftly implies "skill." Instead of saying "deathly afraid," he said "deftly," and never noticed it was wrong. (See Hare's book for more interesting examples of this).
Strangely enough, many find the psychopath's verbal deftness quite charming, and psychopaths do tend to talk a lot, especially when they're pouring on the charm.
The question is, can you spot one before they get to you?
That is why it's important to study whether or not you may be the type who falls for them, who, in essence, becomes prey to believing in them. Some people may find concern over psychopathy irrelevant, but it's not. Psychopathy causes tremendous damage in our society, and affects all levels of our lives. It causes illnesses and disorders such as PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). Money is also lost by innocent victims to psychopaths, and these social predators also do much economic damage to our society.
Everyone, especially women, should learn to identify psychopathy and watch for red flags. This doesn't mean diagnosing every man you date, but preferably just being aware of the disorder can help out a lot! After my own experiences, I truly believe in the saying "better safe than sorry."
I will emphasize once more that I do believe most women transfer what they want to believe onto the psychopath, to the extent that he is painted in an unrealistic light, so psychopaths can also "play with your mind" in this regard. Most victims of the psychopath only see what they want to see, initially. That is why Field says, "Naivete is the great enemy."Many also "cling to the belief that their loved one (the psychopath) simply has a few problems just like anyone else, not the symptoms of a personality disorder." [Black, 59].
In the book When Your Lover Is a Liar the issue of psychopathy and how psychopaths manipulate women is also pointed out. The author believes that a psychopath's greatest thrill is just being able to "pull the wool" over a woman's eyes. For people who are emotionally normal, we cannot understand what kind of thrill this is or why some of them would go to such lengths in order to trick someone. But as Dr. Heller states, "psychopaths feel no remorse, and actually enjoy their antisocial behavior." (Heller, 76).
Also, what I believe makes them most dangerous, is that they can be quite charming and persuasive, and "they have remarkably good insight into the needs and weaknesses of other people" as recounted in the text, Psychology In Action: "Even when they are indifferent to the rights of their associates, they are often able to inspire feelings of trust and confidence." This is best exemplified by a psychopath who professes that "everything is fine" while lying point-blank to your face with seeming honesty and candor, and then, as soon as you turn away for a second, he will stab you in the back.
In the end, you will know them "by their fruits" so to speak. They will be sure to let you know who's boss. As one female victim recounted in Hare's book Without Conscience... she couldn't understand how someone (the psychopath she had known) could have wormed his way into her life and then just disappeared so easily. This is how they operate. They just don't give a damn about anyone. Except themselves.
Another very strong characteristic to look for (or listen for) is what Dr. Hare refers to as "duping delight." It is as if the psychopath has no need to lie or purpose in lying, the pleasure is attained through merely pulling one over on somebody.
As for addictions and so forth, "among the clearest of these links is the one between ASP (psychopathy) and the abuse of alcohol and other drugs," [Black, 91], although most psychopaths would never admit they have a drinking problem, even when it's obvious. As one psychopath put it, "I know how to drink. Drinking is a responsibility, I've been doing it since I was 12."
So, once again: Can psychopaths change? Can you change them?
No, they choose to behave as they do, even though, to some extent they do have a personality disorder. Dr. Black, however, believes that even those patients who "show the greatest change seem unable to comprehend the degree to which their actions affected those around them. They may continue to live in emotional isolation. Self-interest is a natural component of the human makeup, but it is especially strong in antisocials and leaves many of them unable to develop full compassion, conscience, and other attributes that make for successful social relations." [Black, 144].
very harsh...
They've been around the longest, had the most experience, been through it all and so they share their collective insights and experiences with everyone else. This allows them to 'retire' while still contributing to the group dynamic.
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