Hello all. I want to post something recent that has me a bit down at the moment. I've had a high pitched tinnitus (around 10-20khz I suppose) for as long as I can remember. I think it's from childhood ear infections. I've always been careful with loud noises, and have earplugs I use in various places (even movie theaters are too loud these days).
Saturday was my sister's wedding. It was very nice, seemingly perfect even. I had gifted her two large scale paintings and people seemed to like them. My cousin persuaded me unsuccessfully to get on the dance floor. But after a second try when he was dancing himself, I was able to be childlike enough to do so (and people were surprised and said I never do that). I even had some slick shoes on and clicked them a few times, thinking "There's no place like home." But I felt bad about a detail the next morning, and I'll tell that story.
When it was time for the dancing of the bridge and groom with their parents, everything was fine. Shortly thereafter, the party music came on and the floor filled with people. They increased the volume a lot. Someone was talking to me and had to yell in my ear to even have a conversation. And my soft-spoken voice was hardly heard.
Judging by the pictures' time stamps that I took, I can estimate that I sat through this not thinking much of it for about an hour. At that time the loudness was annoying enough that I went outside and thought about leaving early, or even going to a drug store and buying some earplugs. I usually have a bag with a pair in it, but I had a suit on and only brought some jars of water, being minimalistic. And I've been to weddings before, and bringing earplugs didn't cross my mind.
Anyways, while outside I met a relative who is VERY hard of hearing, and you always have to yell at him. And he said that it was loud, so I knew that I wasn't just OCDing or something about this. I was also thinking that there are a lot of people in there, some closer to the speakers than I was, and even a newborn in the crowd. I thought I might tell the DJ could he turn down the music 10 or 20%. So I thought about it and went and got my mom and went outside and asked if I should ask about lowering the music. She didn't give me a direct answer and shortly went back inside to do something else. But maybe I was a bit indirect though. I told her that our relative that is nearly deaf had even said it was loud, and he could feel the columns of the building shaking when touching them.
So I had evidence that I was reading the situation correctly. I was even thinking of asking my sister if it was ok, because she has OCD too and I think she would understand. But I didn't think much about it and returned inside again. I guess for a guy I'm too agreeable. But I still figured that there are a lot of people being exposed to this. At that point I think I started to get in the dance floor and monkey around. I couldn't resist Gangnam Style and the Harlem Shake, and I figured that if I couldn't be like a child, I would lose a little part of myself. I took more breaks outside, but it was so cold that I quickly shivered. So judging by pictures I took, it was a little less than 2 hours of loud exposure, because of outside breaks and increasing my distance from the speakers at one point.
I felt good when I went home, but was tired and went to bed after midnight. The next morning, I noticed a bit of (extra) ringing in my ears. After some testing in quiet rooms and using earplugs, I noticed a new frequency of tinnitus that is mid ranged pitch. The crazy high pitch I have doesn't bother me. But this sounds like a refrigerator running, or having the central air on. But it has to be really quiet, whereas the high pitch I always hear. I'm guessing the punchy bass from the music was the cause.
So I've been worried about it, hoping it would go away. My mom said that the groom's mother said it was loud, but that she wouldn't have said anything about it. I guess everyone was too agreeable, including myself. I was thinking about all the people, and the newborn present. I think I called the situation well, but did not act on it. To use a Peterson analogy, I need to learn how to use my sword. And with G's falling stick analogy, I'm the person who sees G drop the stick, but does nothing about it. I also thought that when I can read the environment and it's not just myself freaking out, that I should act on it.
So I thought I had failed myself and likely others. If there was someone who was brave enough to request it being lowered, the DJ did not comply. But my mom said it was ok to have not said anything, which seems like being externally considerate. I could see that view too. So it's a gray area I suppose. And then I thought, well nobody seemed to have been asking for it to be lowered. The position mattered too, as our table was in "line of sound" of the speaker.
I just feel really disappointed in myself. It doesn't leave a sour taste to a great event. I still enjoyed it and my sister means a lot to me. But I'm sure there is a probable timeline where I had enough willpower and sense to have done something.
So I have some earplugs that are going in my car. I've always tried to be careful with the hearing I have left, same with vision. That's what gets me, this is not something that happens to me. But I guess you can't dodge every bullet? So all I can do is take the lessons I learned due to it. The good part is that it seems my hearing is ok. But I do enjoy silence, and that's when it's more noticeable. I suspect people who go to parties, bars, and concerts have tinnitus, but maybe there is always enough background noise to mask it.
I was emotional today, crying a bit in the shower. Every time I found silence was a reminder that it is still there. Aside from using my sword properly and acting on a situation when I see (or hear) reality left and right, I came up with I must be the best that I can be. And that even if you're completely disabled, there's always something you can do. Which reminds me of the quote that it's when you choose that counts. I also thought that this is a reminder that I'm going to die, as in memento mori. I'll lose my entire body and senses one day, so it's sobering.
I'm only 30 something pages into Healing Developmental Trauma, but I was kind of thinking, "Gee what is all this thumping music doing to this newborn?" Wondering if it was a sort of threat. But he was in cradle so maybe that helped dampen it, and they weren't in direct line of sight of the speaker. I think my over concern with senses is rooted in a fear of loss. And I think I really have some Connection based trauma.
So I heard NAC can help with tinnitus, and I already take 600mg twice a day. I suppose I could double that? I have some Now Foods Ginko Biloba, but it doesn't state the harmful Ginkgolic acid ppm, which should not be over 5ppm. I haven't looked into that. I'm already taking CoQ10, and have some beef heart. I have some DMSO liquid, but don't plan to pour it in my ear. Some forum said that prednisone two days after exposure can help (just over two days now), but also up to 30 days after exposure. And usually without treatment, ringing ears can clear up within a few days, but can take one to two weeks. But I'm not anticipating.
I guess I just wanted to rant, as I felt like I had failed myself and others. I'm thinking I should have acted on this, right? All I can do now is try to treat the ringing, and if it's to stay, then take the lessons learned from this. Thanks for reading.