Éiriú-Eolas - Breathing Program

[Buddy]

internal upheaval, distortion program

I would like to say quickly here that since my fear disappeared as an effect of the Eiriu Eolas Breathing Program - hate to use abbreviations i feel committing disrespect - and Clarity set in that made a lot of things pop up on my radar screen, there's an unexpected turn of events, a change after ~1.5 months of Clarity:

Appeared out of nowhere an all-pervasive feeling that i'm lying in everything, can't say nothing correctly, a sensation of what i post is skewed, distorted, has imperfect alignment. The predator's mind increased attacks recently made me thinking if this deliberate distortion program of The Lizard Ego Within is not just another desperate attempt to delay the inevitable: it's ejection from my mind into the vacuum of outer space filled with black holes and icky-sticky darkness where it belongs?

I had for long planned revelatory posts, curiously, attacks have increased manifold, preventing me from writing?

Hello forge,

I'm running since some weeks into something similar, like the -dark-side- is showing up within myself (anger for example) and it lead also to an depression, feeling not motivated anymore, empty and nothing did make sense. Yesterday I couldn't clearly decipher anymore what is real and what is not.

...
From one session:

Q: Well, I guess that all of us tend to keep one or another area sacrosanct and think that it is not subject to attack, or that we can use logic and 3rd density thinking to explain it or "fix it." Until a person realizes that attack can come through even one's self, wives and husbands, children and parents, friends, virtually ANYBODY - NOBODY is exempt.

Maybe this is related, something Laura wrote some months back: "the side you don't like in yourself"

Hope it helps.

Same with me. In fact, I didn't post anything because I didn't even trust myself to describe it accurately. I feel more normal at the moment, but things were rough there for awhile. Thanks for sharing this.

 

[forge]

Before finding this prayer, I thought life would be one long holding action against this abuse of the sexual energy, that the best I can do is cope and try to minimize the damage I do when I am in that state. Now I feel real hope that a fundamentally different way of life is possible.

Eating a lot of selected blueberries in summer [i found] greatly increased the inrush of creative thoughts. My genetic, albeit untrained, raw talent is writing, set in my stone. I'm a seanchaithe, a story teller, a myth smith, creator of words, - was destined to be a writer Hasnamuss by definition of Gurdjieff -, received a little award by the biggest gaming company in a name creating contest recently.

Sadly in my life instead of listening to the laughter of my children, the center of gravity is on the fight of holding action against this abuse of the sexual energy, Patience as you said. Increase concentration of SI12 in my body and do conscious suffering, post here, read answers, change emotionally, read-up, change spiritually.

I found that not losing sexual energy for days makes the energy more refined inside: Sharpens my mind, can suddenly understand advanced concepts, thinking and emotional centers must have more energy proper to them so it doesn't get abused, no sexual abuse happens between the centers. This state allows me to see with some clarity, understand, create, attempt to synthesize advanced concepts. Similar to eating a lot of blueberry. But this time the body, i, the EE exercises are creating this energy, building it up for spiritual healing and advancement.

The Prayer of Soul has an effect [i have a default priest setup, propensity and great faith in Prayer] if a wondrous salve, healing exilir was poured on my wounds they close, scars regenerate if i tend to my energy properly.

 

[forge]

How was your program yesterday going?

Thoughts in disarray, self-confidence down, depressed, pondering i'm going bonkers, end up in psychiatric hospital, predator features amplified, avidity, suddenly craving sunflower seeds which i don't have. Picking loosened - otherwise clean - teeth. Desperately struggling with thoughts that i am sick in mind and have no possibility to have results in the Work. Crying out, asking the Divine Cosmic Mind for solution. Trying to see the positive side of things that i can support FOTCM with creative work. Trying to accumulate facts of being Souled, that i'm struggling, hurt, i'm perfectly able to give bread to others, i'm capable to generate life force completely alone and share it with people as entertainment, offering them moments of happiness.

On knees i say the Prayer of the Soul, paying attention to the clean and candid tone of voice. On long walks i pray, i read Origen who talks about infirmities and sicknesses of the Soul p.185 Commentaries on the Gospel of St. Matthew. Preserving and building up SI12 in my body, observing programs. Then it happens after waking up in the morning. Unbelievable. This is crazy, i'm shaking my head. Somehow the pain is gone there is a feeling of being healed, as if a warm fluid of a beautiful salve, an elixir of life, a philosopher's stone was poured on my wounds.

Just wondering if 4 days is all i need to create another buffer?

 

[Richs]

internal upheaval, distortion program

I would like to say quickly here that since my fear disappeared as an effect of the Eiriu Eolas Breathing Program - hate to use abbreviations i feel committing disrespect - and Clarity set in that made a lot of things pop up on my radar screen, there's an unexpected turn of events, a change after ~1.5 months of Clarity:

Appeared out of nowhere an all-pervasive feeling that i'm lying in everything, can't say nothing correctly, a sensation of what i post is skewed, distorted, has imperfect alignment. The predator's mind increased attacks recently made me thinking if this deliberate distortion program of The Lizard Ego Within is not just another desperate attempt to delay the inevitable: it's ejection from my mind into the vacuum of outer space filled with black holes and icky-sticky darkness where it belongs?

I had for long planned revelatory posts, curiously, attacks have increased manifold, preventing me from writing?

Hi forge,

Maybe we make a mistake when we assume this is all going to be 'oh so easy'! From all of the posts here it becomes pretty obvious that many go through some pretty rough periods, and I have to say that I had a few 'moments' myself.

I know it is not at all going to be easy to do, but try to continue as best you can and have patience, especially with Yourself. If you recall, Laura herself went through many trying periods, so if any of us have to 'go through stuff', we shouldn't be too surprised.

I'm pulling for you! Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It is what all of us here are doing!

 

[Biomiast]

An update on the breathing program.

I follow Laura's suggestions that I do three stage breathing in the morning and meditation generally before going to bed. Sometimes I do meditation when I got a headache or tiredness, at those times my mood elevates, and I feel much better, energetic. It is like Laura said: Sharp in mind, strong in body, firm in will.

Actually firm in will part is a later addition to my life. I too have self-worth issues. I tend to ignore all of my successes and achievements, then I focus on my failures. And I conclude I shouldn't even try to do something, since it is going to end in disaster, and I am going to embarrass myself, I know it is the usual Negative Introject talking, but for some reason, it was really strong this week.

I was discussing those things with my girlfriend and said how I am worthless, how I can't do anything etc. What she did was, in such a creative way, she mirrored my Negative Introject, as if she read my mind and told me everything my Negative Introject told in a sarcastic manner, mocking the Introject. She pointed out that I don't deserve to eat, breath or occupy a space, I should disappear, and maybe someone who actually deserve these resources should take my place. And I agreed wholeheartedly, because at the time Negative Introject was in charge.

Then she pointed out to me how "successful" those people around us, how they are "better" than me, that I don't deserve interacting with them. At that point I saw that nobody's life is perfect. Yet all those people manage to get up and start again, or continue with their faults, without realizing or enjoying them. I, on the other hand, had the ability to realize my faults and act in a constructive manner to control them. During that time she pointed out how selfish I am to think that I am the only one with problems, how selfish I am to think I should never fall, and god forbid, if I ever fall, I can't get up because it brings the possibility of falling again! I am afraid of falling, making mistakes and suffering that I have never lived a true life. I am not above the other people, I can fall as anybody, and I am not a useless human being just because I fell.

One of the most important realizations of this fear was that it was the thing that summarize my existence in this life. It was what drive all of my actions, deriving power from my self-importance and Negative Introject at the same time. I find it fascinating how narcissistally wounded people live in the extremes, this was mentioned in Narcissistic Family also. I was so important that I couldn't get up, but I was so worthless that I shouldn't even exist!

I am not too familiar with Theory of Positive Integration, but at the time it felt like in a hierarchy of values, my fear was the one at the top, it was bigger than my love, my hatred, my anger, my compassion. It was the main force of my life! Now, my girlfriend realized it too, she is a really intelligent person. She gently pointed this out to me, and I knew what she was saying is true. I value my fear more than everything. I am in a cycle of self-pity and even a part of me has the intention of getting up, the other one wants to sit down and continue like this. Imagine you are in front of somebody, you think you love her more than anybody, and realize you love your fear, your self-pity and wallowing more than her, and imagine she knows that too. This realization was such a shock to my system that I cried uncontrollably.

In the end, as I was thinking what to do and how to do, the past memories of my failures came to my mind. How many times I tried to get up, yet I failed at each one of them miserably, why should this one be exceptional? Why should this one be different? When I pointed this out to her, she said we can't possibly know if I was going to succeed or not, but at least I must decide whether I want to sit down or get up, because trying to do both doesn't help anybody. And when she pointed out my successes, my abilities etc. I brushed them off, saying I don't care what I achieved, these are irrevelant things or do not exist, I know I am a failure. Then she said something that made me laugh, she said, "If you are a failure, you aren't a complete failure, because you have achievements, and that means you failed to be a failure." I was crying all the time, after she said this irony of the situation overwhelmed me, I started to cry and laugh at the same time. :)

When I came to my room in the evening, I began to think what I have achieved so far, what I have done. A year ago, I was all alone, now I have the everything I want, everything I asked from Divine Cosmic Mind come true! Except those things that require my continuous effort of course. Whose to say I am a failure, whose to say the others are better than me or I am better than others. I started to see that before I tried to do those things and failed, there wasn't a Cassiopaea forum to guide me, I haven't got true friends like you guys, I haven't got my girlfriend, I haven't got EE program, and I haven't got all those Narcissism books. I ordered Trapped in the Mirror some time ago, and yesterday bookstore send an email that they have the book, and I can get it. I can't wait to go there, yet I have my final exams.

I began to see how this dominating force must go for me to experience Universe as it is. After I made the meditation two days ago, everything settled in my mind, I began to act regardless of my Negative Introject. I don't know if this is a long lasting effect or not, but I think now I began to get a glimpse of what Madame de Salzmann meant when she said this:

First of all, he has to know what he must look at. When he knows, he must make efforts, keep his attention, look constantly with persistence. Only through maintaining his attention, and not forgetting to look, one day, perhaps, he will be able to see. If he sees one time he can see a second time, and if that continues he will no longer be able not to see. This is the state to be looked for, it is the aim of our observation; it is from there that the true wish will be born, the irresistible wish to become: from cold we shall become warm, vibrant; we shall be touched by our reality.

I am sorry for the lengthy post, I just wanted to share the whole thing. Thanks everybody for being a part of this network and for listening. :)

 

[truth seeker]

Wow Biomast!

That was great! Thanks so much for sharing that!

 

[capt.picard]

Hi folks :)
i just wanted to report a bad dream last night. i think it has a depper meaning.lets begin
so im walking home with my friend(from school i suppose). in front of us is a atractive woman smoking a cigarete and walking a dog. i aproached her to ask for a lighter and she didnt want to please me- i knew she had one. so suddenly i am at home in my room. funny thing is that it was day outside but every shutter was closed so it was pretty dark inside.as the door to the balcony was broken in my room i went through my sisters room to get on the balcony to open the shutters. in my sisters room there was she- that woman. i didnt say anything to her. i passed her and get out , opened the shutters and i am now coming in my sisters room again. she is not there. i am aproaching the door-it was open . suddenly, a flying HEAD (it had a face -not a friendly one) flies right onto me and i place my hands together in font of my chest. the head hit my hands and i fell down completely paralyzed - could not move as hard as i tried.i felt strong energy just in my near presence restricting me in many ways.it was terror on my free will. i wasnt that scared as i was desperate to do ANYTHING. finaly, I managed to grab the leg of my sisters bed and tried to shout "DAD" ( i am convinced that "DAD" is my consciousness/savior) in order to help me but no voice came out.i was so depressed that "that" bastard is in complete control. finaly - i used my whole being to produce a sound and it was like "VAAAAAAAA" ( i realy couldnt make a soud that make sense- it ws too dificult) and at that moment i woke up shouting "VAAAAA" in my bed . i was scared for a moment but then i was aware of knowledge of what that could be/mean. so i sad the prayer of soul once i went asleep again.

1.so that woman was atractive and i didnt say that i wanted to grab her butt when walking home (she was smoking hot) . some of them looks pretty innocent but we have to be aware that nothing is impossible to "them"
2.. she refused to aid me in the lighter issue-i am not sure what that could mean in real life.
4.shuters were closed which implies darkness and not seing things very well
5. for no obvious reason in that moment she transformed to a "flying head" which attacks me and paralyzes not only my body but my whole being ( i saw something and it was like a "energy field" all over my body- it was very light green colored).
somehow i managed to yell and then woke up.

that was no ordinary "scary dream" beacuse i felt REAL presence of something "very nasty" - the feeling when i saw the "head" was a mixture of fear/panic/curiosity.

 

[capt.picard]

about that dream i posted above:
it just occurred to my mind that opening the shutters means learning (i am readnig the wave series at this point) and doing trhe EE program. the "head" does not like that and it tries to distract me from those things.it tried to shock me and put me on the "right way" (according to them). it was waiting for me, atacked me and temporarily puts me under control - in that moment my mind was only interested in freeing itself from that situation - far far away from conscioussnes -and thats scary

 

[Alana]

about that dream i posted above:
it just occurred to my mind that opening the shutters means learning (i am readnig the wave series at this point) and doing trhe EE program. the "head" does not like that and it tries to distract me from those things.it tried to shock me and put me on the "right way" (according to them). it was waiting for me, atacked me and temporarily puts me under control - in that moment my mind was only interested in freeing itself from that situation - far far away from conscioussnes -and thats scary

Perhaps it's not so scary if we see these "shadowy"/threatening characters in our dreams as our own predator's mind - our programs/internal introjects/our own sts self's resistance to knowledge and personal development. It then becomes less scary because it is in our responsibility, and it is in our power, to face them and deal with them appropriately, instead of thinking of them as things from "out there", giving our own power to them.

The very hot woman you saw might indeed be a representation of your own entropic part/sts inclinations/false personality that is fighting against your creativity inclined self in order to keep itself alive. It knows that the light (of Truth and knowledge) will kill it so it fights for its survival. But then it is your right to fight back and continue developing your creativity-loving self.

I am reminded of own of my favorite stories here, the Cherokee legend of the two wolves:

An old Grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him with anger at a friend who had done him an injustice, "Let me tell you a story.

I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do.

But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times." He continued, "It is as if there are two wolves inside me. One is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him, and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.

But the other wolf, ah! He is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger,for his anger will change nothing.

Sometimes, it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit."

The boy looked intently into his Grandfather's eyes and asked, "Which one wins, Grandfather?"

The Grandfather smiled and quietly said, "The one I feed."

Hope this helps, capt.picard :)

 

[Alana]

I am not too familiar with Theory of Positive Integration, but at the time it felt like in a hierarchy of values, my fear was the one at the top, it was bigger than my love, my hatred, my anger, my compassion. It was the main force of my life! Now, my girlfriend realized it too, she is a really intelligent person. She gently pointed this out to me, and I knew what she was saying is true. I value my fear more than everything. I am in a cycle of self-pity and even a part of me has the intention of getting up, the other one wants to sit down and continue like this. Imagine you are in front of somebody, you think you love her more than anybody, and realize you love your fear, your self-pity and wallowing more than her, and imagine she knows that too. This realization was such a shock to my system that I cried uncontrollably.

That's a great realization, Biomiast, though i can feel for you and how painful it might feel at first. It is however one of the first steps to seeing ourselves and that's the most important gift we can give to our True selves and the universe.

In the end, as I was thinking what to do and how to do, the past memories of my failures came to my mind. How many times I tried to get up, yet I failed at each one of them miserably, why should this one be exceptional? Why should this one be different? When I pointed this out to her, she said we can't possibly know if I was going to succeed or not, but at least I must decide whether I want to sit down or get up, because trying to do both doesn't help anybody. And when she pointed out my successes, my abilities etc. I brushed them off, saying I don't care what I achieved, these are irrevelant things or do not exist, I know I am a failure. Then she said something that made me laugh, she said, "If you are a failure, you aren't a complete failure, because you have achievements, and that means you failed to be a failure." I was crying all the time, after she said this irony of the situation overwhelmed me, I started to cry and laugh at the same time. :)

Yes, that's a great mirroring your girlfriend gave you there :) If you've been following this thread you might have noticed that most of us (if not all) have to deal with these feelings of worthlessness throughout our lives. As Anart said earlier (paraphrasing) if we are here and we are trying, then we must be worth of something, no?

I found that with time, auto-sarcastic little comments like how your girlfriend responded to you, find their way from our own mind to counter the internal introject's demeaning comments. I remember when i used to wallow in self-pity and was allowing the introject to convince me that i am the worst of the worst, the internal jester will respond: "Yeah, right! You'd love that first place even at the bottom, huh!"

 

[Nienna]

In the end, as I was thinking what to do and how to do, the past memories of my failures came to my mind. How many times I tried to get up, yet I failed at each one of them miserably, why should this one be exceptional? Why should this one be different? When I pointed this out to her, she said we can't possibly know if I was going to succeed or not, but at least I must decide whether I want to sit down or get up, because trying to do both doesn't help anybody. And when she pointed out my successes, my abilities etc. I brushed them off, saying I don't care what I achieved, these are irrevelant things or do not exist, I know I am a failure. Then she said something that made me laugh, she said, "If you are a failure, you aren't a complete failure, because you have achievements, and that means you failed to be a failure." I was crying all the time, after she said this irony of the situation overwhelmed me, I started to cry and laugh at the same time. :)

When I came to my room in the evening, I began to think what I have achieved so far, what I have done. A year ago, I was all alone, now I have the everything I want, everything I asked from Divine Cosmic Mind come true! Except those things that require my continuous effort of course. Whose to say I am a failure, whose to say the others are better than me or I am better than others. I started to see that before I tried to do those things and failed, there wasn't a Cassiopaea forum to guide me, I haven't got true friends like you guys, I haven't got my girlfriend, I haven't got EE program, and I haven't got all those Narcissism books. I ordered Trapped in the Mirror some time ago, and yesterday bookstore send an email that they have the book, and I can get it. I can't wait to go there, yet I have my final exams.

It seems that you are starting to see just what is going on with your programs.

Fear of failure is something that I am still fighting to this day. It is a very strong program. Fear being, I think, the main function of the predator's mind. It is what will make us fail, for sure, if we don't get a handle on it. It will make us give up, give in and, ultimately, fail, IF we don't get a grip on ourselves and "see" just what is going on with ourselves.

I would say that, not only is your girlfriend intelligent, but very wise. You are lucky to have her.

And while reading your post, I couldn't help but think of something that I often remind myself of and I would like to share it with you. This is from the Cassiopedia on suffering, conscious and mechanicall:

Ouspensky quotes Gurdjieff in In Search of the Miraculous:

'… If there is anything in the world that people do not understand it is the idea of sacrifice. They think they have to sacrifice something that they have. For example, I once said that they must sacrifice 'faith,' 'tranquillity,' 'health.' They understand this literally. But then the point is that they have not got either faith, or tranquillity, or health. All these words must be taken in quotation marks. In actual fact they have to sacrifice only what they imagine they have and which in reality they do not have. They must sacrifice their fantasies. But this is difficult for them, very difficult. It is much easier to sacrifice real things. "Another thing that people must sacrifice is their suffering. It is very difficult also to sacrifice one's suffering. A man will renounce any pleasures you like but he will not give up his suffering. Man is made in such a way that he is never so much attached to anything as he is to his suffering. And it is necessary to be free from suffering. No one who is not free from suffering, who has not sacrificed his suffering, can work. Later on a great deal must be said about suffering. Nothing can be attained without suffering but at the same time one must begin by sacrificing suffering. Now, decipher what this means."

 

[capt.picard]

thanks for the reply smaragde. could be that the "head" was the predators mind or a program which wants to "be". i am gonna continue the ee program in order to kill "them" if i can.

 

[Approaching Infinity]

I am not too familiar with Theory of Positive Integration, but at the time it felt like in a hierarchy of values, my fear was the one at the top, it was bigger than my love, my hatred, my anger, my compassion. It was the main force of my life! Now, my girlfriend realized it too, she is a really intelligent person. She gently pointed this out to me, and I knew what she was saying is true. I value my fear more than everything. I am in a cycle of self-pity and even a part of me has the intention of getting up, the other one wants to sit down and continue like this. Imagine you are in front of somebody, you think you love her more than anybody, and realize you love your fear, your self-pity and wallowing more than her, and imagine she knows that too. This realization was such a shock to my system that I cried uncontrollably.

I think this is a very clear example of hierarchy of values and positive disintegration! The fact that your own feelings of fear and self-pity outweigh everything else in your life is the clue that they are controlling you, that you are being run by programs, the predator's mind, etc. The "shock" of seeing this, and the realizing that it contradicts your TRUE values is the disintegrative experience. And once you "see" it, once the hierarchy becomes conscious and clear, it becomes possible to CHANGE and to GROW. With conscious effort you will come to "dis-identify" with those parts, and identify with those parts that are creative, strong, and true. Your girlfriend has given you a gift, and I'm sure you can appreciate the care and understanding she has shown you, even while seeing all the things about yourself that you have not seen until now. Seeing that, seeing yourself, it is even possible to learn to truly Love. And that brings us back to the prayer of the soul, and the mysterious ways the universe teaches us that which we do not know: "Cleanse my heart, that I may know and love..."

 

[Approaching Infinity]

Last night was an interesting session. I'd seen the movie Avatar that day, and it perhaps influenced what I saw. I'd also been reading Hancock's book Supernatural, which is being discussed in another thread, so that undoubtedly influenced me as well. Anyways, I had 4 "flashes" while doing the prayer. I wanted to keep track of how many times I said the prayer, because I was doing it without the recording, so I decided to picture each time as entering a room through a numbered door (I did 5 in total). While saying "Be my bread..." during one of the recitations, 3 images flashed in quick sequence: being plunged underwater, a strange goblin-like creature's face and shoulders, and looking upward to a large translucent dome which was brightly lit from the outside. The immediate association was of the water park in West Edmonton Mall (which I visited several times as a child). Later I saw a creepy horse, like out of Harry Potter - black, scaly, and monster-like. Then I saw a frightful face with large eyes, with a hand on his shoulder. The contact of the hand seemed to spark some electricity, lighting up the two figures for a split second. After all these sights I wasn't scared, but was curious what they were all about. I asked something, "What is there I should see about myself?" And immediately an image of myself, somewhat doll- or cartoon-like appeared and its arms were torn out by ropes! Weird stuff!

 

[forge]

Biomiast, thank you for your post. You are lucky to have such a girlfriend.

The winter got suddenly warm, being holiday in Hungary, no cars on the street, the smog seemed to disappear. Fresh cool wind blew, the air was promising, striking colors everywhere from the strong winter-sun, you could see very far. Let's visit the forest and do some exercises, wash my body through with fresh oxygen! I took the tram, 1 hour travel from the smog into the neighboring hills. During travel i had difficulty reading the Red Pill Press book, almost feeling the Predator kicking around inside. Emotional issues, still had that "i'm loosing it"-slipperiness of thoughts from Friday.

The sleeping forest was beautiful. The air excellent! So much cleaner than in that smog-filled garbage-dump of a capitol. No foliage revealed what is beyond the trees. Lot of beautiful singing birds. I stopped and watched them in awe as they darted among the branches close to me, not paying much attention to my human bulk. Gasp, how delicate they are! I love birds, can watch them fascinated forever, singing-, exotic-, crows, blackbirds, almost all of them. At the end i walked back to the bus-station. In the strikingly clean air i noticed a patch of Pine-trees of magical beauty, bathed in yellow sunlight, on the other side of the tourist-valley, high, on top of the hill.
- Let's check it out! - something said in me.
- But you can't climb there, you are 38, old, have not eaten at all in the morning, done the exhausting athletic exercise, you're tired, you don't have money to buy food for excellent energy afterward, you'll certainly break your leg! - said the Negative Introject.
I looked at the bus-driver and realized how imprisoned he was in that blue metallic box with wheels. He couldn't go up there, and i am crazy because nobody goes up there. I smiled and went for it.

The emotional upheaval, the bizarre hysterical racing of vain thoughts in every direction switched off. I realized, the whole time while in the forest i was not at struggle. I went up - off the tourist-path, little higher than the Pine-Tree patch. Had to avoid them, because they were on a too dangerous steep hillside. It felt like the very fresh air was supporting me, felt no hunger or tiredness at all. Gurdjieff came to mind, with his healing bullet-wound, walking to the creek and pouring cold water on himself. A thought of merging my being with the spirit of nature surfaced. It was a profound experience.

The biggish grey bird hopping vertically on the tree bark, wow, how is that possible? I saw her nest, neat holes drilled in the tree. Beautiful, serene, seemed she had a home there, unique little world, untouched by city-pollution. Sudden gust of wind made the trees rustling airily, like in the movie-thrillers i saw, but experiencing it first-hand was awesome. Because of the emotional struggle effected by the EE excercises Thursday, i felt numb, not being awed by the beauty, but i was very much affected by the tranquility of the sleeping trees. And i got to the top! Where i never dared to climb earlier, even when i had much more money and food for energy!

Fainted into sleep during POTS of that Saturday night EE.