Éiriú-Eolas - Breathing Program

[Meg]

Thanks for sharing your experience, Biomast. It was inspiring to read it.

I had a session recently where during the round breathing portion, instead of getting angry about my life, crying and feeling self pity, I felt the pain and suffering I caused another person. My mother. It stripped away one of the lies I believed about myself and gave me a clue to why I respond the way I respond to certain situations in life. Reading your post, I realized that fear and the self pity cycle is running my life too. Another lie gone, I hope! Thanks to all for sharing your experiences.

 

[Windmill knight]

Last night was an interesting session.

Same here. Except that for me it was the most emotional session yet - no visions.

I have already reported that I have been going through waves of depression. It is as if all the anguish that has been locked inside fueling my programs from deep inside is now much closer to the surface. Although at the beginning I was skeptical that this was related to the breathing (I thought the cause was just life experiences of my recent past), now I am pretty certain that the EE is having a noticeable effect, to the point that I am a little weary of the round breathing. So the last ten days I did only three stage breathing and meditation. I felt more stable throughout the day, although the negative emotions remained at an arm's length. One proof is that reading Rachel Reiland's book 'Get me out of here' (which has been mentioned elsewhere in the forum) has been almost physically painful as every second page makes my stomach ache. Although her case is extreme (BPD), I can relate to a lot of her swinging thoughts and emotions, now that I can 'see' them much more closely inside me.

Then, yesterday I got a Christmas call from my dad, with whom I hadn't talked to for a couple of years and haven't seen for a decade, and although the conversation was polite and superficial, hearing his voice hit me hard. I had always thought that because he was seldom there when I was a child, he had had almost no damaging effect on me. But yesterday it was crystal clear that his absence, sweet words (lies) and numerous broken promises had been a very good way to make me feel that I'm not worth the bother; that I am an object of contempt to be toyed with. Similar effect I got from my mother, except that she had a very different way to go about showing it when I was a child.

So anyway, yesterday night I did the full program, with my emotions going in crescendo and by the time I was praying I was in full streaming tears, starting with "cleanse my heart". I really wanted to be a good person, I thought, but it is so hard to do it with the mess inside. What's the point of having a heart if you cannot fix it so that it can start to truly give? And so on.

One strange coincidence was that right when I finished the program, the cat that lives in this house started crying a bit wildly, quite much unlike her usual self. It kind of provided an external dramatic effect for the experience.

 

[seek10]

An update on the breathing program.

I follow Laura's suggestions that I do three stage breathing in the morning and meditation generally before going to bed. Sometimes I do meditation when I got a headache or tiredness, at those times my mood elevates, and I feel much better, energetic. It is like Laura said: Sharp in mind, strong in body, firm in will.

Actually firm in will part is a later addition to my life. I too have self-worth issues. I tend to ignore all of my successes and achievements, then I focus on my failures. And I conclude I shouldn't even try to do something, since it is going to end in disaster, and I am going to embarrass myself, I know it is the usual Negative Introject talking, but for some reason, it was really strong this week.


One of the most important realizations of this fear was that it was the thing that summarize my existence in this life. It was what drive all of my actions, deriving power from my self-importance and Negative Introject at the same time.

In the end, as I was thinking what to do and how to do, the past memories of my failures came to my mind. How many times I tried to get up, yet I failed at each one of them miserably, why should this one be exceptional? Why should this one be different? When I pointed this out to her, she said we can't possibly know if I was going to succeed or not, but at least I must decide whether I want to sit down or get up, because trying to do both doesn't help anybody.

When I came to my room in the evening, I began to think what I have achieved so far, what I have done.

I began to see how this dominating force must go for me to experience Universe as it is. After I made the meditation two days ago, everything settled in my mind, I began to act regardless of my Negative Introject. I don't know if this is a long lasting effect or not, but I think now I began to get a glimpse of what Madame de Salzmann meant when she said this:

First of all, he has to know what he must look at. When he knows, he must make efforts, keep his attention, look constantly with persistence. Only through maintaining his attention, and not forgetting to look, one day, perhaps, he will be able to see. If he sees one time he can see a second time, and if that continues he will no longer be able not to see. This is the state to be looked for, it is the aim of our observation; it is from there that the true wish will be born, the irresistible wish to become: from cold we shall become warm, vibrant; we shall be touched by our reality.

Thank you Biomiast for the post. your post is very helpful reminder for me. I was going through similar faith crisis of whether I can do it or not. some of the habits that I created during my recent divorce process to watch my self NOT TO make mistake , got there and sat deep in the unconscious as a blind belief's and continue to create infinite Faith issues , procrastination and end less loops of destructive behavior. I read narc. books and had check list to ponder and as long as I do self ponder of days events issues and programs , my programs seems to be in control. during Recent months, under time strain and predatorial deflections/cunningness/lazyness , I ignored at looking at my self at my emotions hoping to come back to them on a never arriving tomorrow, thus I created a huge gap in programs and my observations.

I was reading cognitive behavioral therapy book change your thinking , it has wonderful tips related to how to systematically look at the things.

Under the subject of LOGICAL DISPUTING, the author suggest people to use a format called thought monitoring form. The list of beliefs ( programs ) that contribute to our thinking is self defeating. As laura mentioned in her wave series PROGRAM creates brain chemicals and Chemicals produce emotions and we can only feel emotions.

Some of the beliefs and logical disputing arguments the author mentioned are interesting. though they are not new, nicely compiled in one page.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/45285333@N07/4220759828/in/photostream/

( you may have to + button to see complete page)


I find these categorization of THINKING ERRORS short and interesting. ..

□ Shoulds
□ Awfulising
□ Black & White Thinking
□ Over-Generalising
□ Personalizing
□ Filtering
□ Jumping to Negative Conclusions
□ Mind Reading
□ Blaming
□ Labeling
□ Predicting Catastrophe
□ Comparing

I was still going through the book, find it be a useful.

 

[Windmill knight]

I was discussing those things with my girlfriend and said how I am worthless, how I can't do anything etc. What she did was, in such a creative way, she mirrored my Negative Introject, as if she read my mind and told me everything my Negative Introject told in a sarcastic manner, mocking the Introject. She pointed out that I don't deserve to eat, breath or occupy a space, I should disappear, and maybe someone who actually deserve these resources should take my place. And I agreed wholeheartedly, because at the time Negative Introject was in charge.

Then she pointed out to me how "successful" those people around us, how they are "better" than me, that I don't deserve interacting with them. At that point I saw that nobody's life is perfect. Yet all those people manage to get up and start again, or continue with their faults, without realizing or enjoying them. I, on the other hand, had the ability to realize my faults and act in a constructive manner to control them. During that time she pointed out how selfish I am to think that I am the only one with problems, how selfish I am to think I should never fall, and god forbid, if I ever fall, I can't get up because it brings the possibility of falling again! I am afraid of falling, making mistakes and suffering that I have never lived a true life. I am not above the other people, I can fall as anybody, and I am not a useless human being just because I fell.

Hi Biomiast. Thanks for sharing this. I can relate to what you are going through, and I just want to comment that there is a dilemma here, which I am facing too (and was thinking about yesterday). The dilemma is that all these feelings of self-hate, fear and worthlessness are indeed based in selfishness, as they place us in the center and top of everything, even if negatively. So we cannot allow them to rule our lives nor affect others. However, if we don't feel them as they are, if we just sweep them under the carpet or minimize them (like most likely our parents did to us in the past) they will keep on ruling us from the inside. So what to do?

What came to my mind while pondering this was Buddha's recommendation of following the 'middle way' - not too harsh, not too soft - as well as the alchemical guideline of not 'burning the mixture' nor letting it go cold. In the case of dealing with negative emotions, I think we also need to strike a balance, and the way of doing so is to give ourselves the time and space to feel them (like the breathing sessions), but being disciplined about not allowing those same emotions to affect others, or our external life. Also, it helps to remember that childhood emotions are just that - childhood emotions. We can feel them as much as we like, until we don't need to feel them anymore, but because we are adults now, they cannot really harm our lives and the lives of others if we remain aware and vigilant. As the Dr from the book I am reading (Get me out of here) tells Rachel after a psychoanalytic session where strong emotions came up:

"You need to remember," he said, "that what you just experienced are memories. Of the past. They feel very shameful to you, but they weren't shameful at all. The only people who deserve to feel some shame are your parents for making you feel that way. You're an adult now; they can't hurt you like that anymore. You aren't so dependent on them as you were then. This is the present. And you're with me now. It's safe here. It took a lot of courage to endure what you just did now and what you did then. You survived it. You made it. You grew to be an adult. You should be proud."

I hope that makes some sense.

 

[Avi]

Last night was interesting here as well though I cannot really say I have ever experienced an un-interesting session!

One of the things I've noticed about the visions during E/E meditation is that often, though not always, they seem associated with this forum.

For instance on more than one occasion I've "seen" an image or even word of someone's profile on the forum and then later, invariably, would find an interesting topic post from this person which seemed to "hit home". I have not replied to these topics, absorbing what was said and the possible implications, but wanted to mention this.

The other strange experience has been visions of "aliens" almost infringing (or impinging?) into sight. This is odd as I have never, that I can recall, ever dreamt of "aliens" (the image has been of a "gray" type, a few different times) or even had much interest in the topic until finding this forum.

Wait, correction, ONE time I dreamt of aliens/UFOs, almost forgot, it was about a year ago when staying at a friends. In the dream we seemed to "bring down" a UFO with some type of magnetic force, but then found ourselves "trapped" and "surrounded" in an old warehouse stacked with boxes and could "feel" the alien force. FWIW there are reports of a UFO that day and actually while driving out to visit this friend, another passenger in my truck claims to have seen it. This was the UFO around Six Flags Atlanta in September 2008. I did not see the UFO and the passenger never mentioned it until the following next few days when reports and video clips started popping up! The time of the supposed sighting does match when we were traveling past Six Flags so it is plausible, if disturbing.

Anyways, another sight that has come unbidden, in both the E/E program/meditation as well as during dreams, has been that of a black sun. This is hard to describe other than saying just that, a black sun, but the "fire" of the sun seemed to be, well, black, with white sparks about the fringes. There was a feel of electricity and magnetic pull, but the visions were brief, albeit on multiple occasions.

FWIW.

~Leoursa

Last night was an interesting session. I'd seen the movie Avatar that day, and it perhaps influenced what I saw. I'd also been reading Hancock's book Supernatural, which is being discussed in another thread, so that undoubtedly influenced me as well. Anyways, I had 4 "flashes" while doing the prayer. I wanted to keep track of how many times I said the prayer, because I was doing it without the recording, so I decided to picture each time as entering a room through a numbered door (I did 5 in total). While saying "Be my bread..." during one of the recitations, 3 images flashed in quick sequence: being plunged underwater, a strange goblin-like creature's face and shoulders, and looking upward to a large translucent dome which was brightly lit from the outside. The immediate association was of the water park in West Edmonton Mall (which I visited several times as a child). Later I saw a creepy horse, like out of Harry Potter - black, scaly, and monster-like. Then I saw a frightful face with large eyes, with a hand on his shoulder. The contact of the hand seemed to spark some electricity, lighting up the two figures for a split second. After all these sights I wasn't scared, but was curious what they were all about. I asked something, "What is there I should see about myself?" And immediately an image of myself, somewhat doll- or cartoon-like appeared and its arms were torn out by ropes! Weird stuff!

 

[seek10]

I was discussing those things with my girlfriend and said how I am worthless, how I can't do anything etc. What she did was, in such a creative way, she mirrored my Negative Introject, as if she read my mind and told me everything my Negative Introject told in a sarcastic manner, mocking the Introject. She pointed out that I don't deserve to eat, breath or occupy a space, I should disappear, and maybe someone who actually deserve these resources should take my place. And I agreed wholeheartedly, because at the time Negative Introject was in charge.

Then she pointed out to me how "successful" those people around us, how they are "better" than me, that I don't deserve interacting with them. At that point I saw that nobody's life is perfect. Yet all those people manage to get up and start again, or continue with their faults, without realizing or enjoying them. I, on the other hand, had the ability to realize my faults and act in a constructive manner to control them. During that time she pointed out how selfish I am to think that I am the only one with problems, how selfish I am to think I should never fall, and god forbid, if I ever fall, I can't get up because it brings the possibility of falling again! I am afraid of falling, making mistakes and suffering that I have never lived a true life. I am not above the other people, I can fall as anybody, and I am not a useless human being just because I fell.

Hi Biomiast. Thanks for sharing this. I can relate to what you are going through, and I just want to comment that there is a dilemma here, which I am facing too (and was thinking about yesterday). The dilemma is that all these feelings of self-hate, fear and worthlessness are indeed based in selfishness, as they place us in the center and top of everything, even if negatively. So we cannot allow them to rule our lives nor affect others. However, if we don't feel them as they are, if we just sweep them under the carpet or minimize them (like most likely our parents did to us in the past) they will keep on ruling us from the inside. So what to do?

What came to my mind while pondering this was Buddha's recommendation of following the 'middle way' - not too harsh, not too soft - as well as the alchemical guideline of not 'burning the mixture' nor letting it go cold. In the case of dealing with negative emotions, I think we also need to strike a balance, and the way of doing so is to give ourselves the time and space to feel them (like the breathing sessions), but being disciplined about not allowing those same emotions to affect others, or our external life. Also, it helps to remember that childhood emotions are just that - childhood emotions. We can feel them as much as we like, until we don't need to feel them anymore, but because we are adults now, they cannot really harm our lives and the lives of others if we remain aware and vigilant. As the Dr from the book I am reading (Get me out of here) tells Rachel after a psychoanalytic session where strong emotions came up:


I hope that makes some sense.

I was struggling with the tendency of considering the end less feelings of narcissism as 'waste of time' and some times gets confused about what to do with them. I know we need to give due time, but some days too much interaction with people's game theory, insecurities of external world and limited time makes it tough to observe. these emotions comes over and over again , distracts over and over again. Predator takes advantage of them, even provokes that with diversions. Thank god we have this forum to guide us.

 

[StrangeCaptain]

I have been reading some of the more introspective experiences with the meditations like Biomiast's recent post. I found that when I had time to do the Prayer of The Soul in the morning and then journaling afterwards I was more able to dip into this introspective level. Now I have time only to do the Prayer before sleeping at night, and I often am asleep before 3 or 4 repetitions and thus no journaling occurs. I miss it to be honest. If anyone has the time to journal after the sessions I suggest it. Now that I am not journaling, I find the introspection occuring in the forms of very bizarre dreams the likes of which I have already described a little. Or at least I think it is connected to the Prayer practice before sleeping because it stops when I miss a few nights and reoccurs when I start back up.

Last night I had a particularly terrifying dream. I found spiders and spiders eggs on the insides of my arms and around my neck. The spiders had actually dug into my flesh and I had to pull them out because they would not scrape easily off like the eggs did. My arms were also tattooed all over. So yeah... It was so terrifying to find these creatures dug into my arms and pulling them out that I woke myself up. Yuck...

 

[Bluestar]

Ah, thank you Biomast for your post and to those who have offered assistance. They have brought me to a place where I can deal with my own issues of failure and unworthiness. I have realized that I am worthy, but not to a point of extra-specialness (is this a word?) Just worthy of many things that I have choose to not allow myself to feel. Thinking that if I feel them that it is just to overwhelming to deal with or that there are so many people out in the world that have it much more difficult then me. I should not give myself the availability to feel them. Is it not all relative to our own private world?

So quick am I to jump into negative introspection. Yet at times I am in complete opposition to neg thoughts and have wishful thinking. These yo yo thoughts can be very confussing. Not sure, but I think they are both part of a predator's mind base. Then other times I feel numb. Ignoring any feelings at all. So am going to reread some of the posts here with the advice given and see if I can come to a "middle way" of seeing myself and my reactions.

Also on another note, been working on the POTS, analysing each and every line to see what it truly means to me. When I recite a line in my mind, have been envisioning an image of what it relates to. Example, when I say
"Divine Cosmic Mind" I picture nebula's and the infinite space & stars, solar systems, pictures that I have seen on NASA's website.
"Holy Awareness in all Creation", our Earth and all the beings that dwell here. Also including the hyper-dimentionals and working out what their place is on all of this.
Each line has become something more to me with this process. Especially
"As I give Bread to others" Having given a lot of thought to this quote, I wonder now within each moment that I "think" I am giving, am I truly giving? What is it that I think I am giving? And does the person really want what I offer? Do I only give if asked? For me if a person does not ask for lets say the door to be held open for them, but I do offer this to them anyway. Now I do not expect anything in return, like a thank you or something. I just offer it. Where before this I might have thought if no thank you for holding a door opened for another was given, that the person was rude and I would say a "your welcome" loud enough for them to hear and roll my eyes or something. I thought that if I am doing something nice for them, it was the least they could do in return. So really I was not doing it for them, but for myself to feel good about doing something nice for another.

So one more thank you to Laura for the gift of this prayer. My eyes are slowly opening and I am seeing things differently.

 

[broken.english]

My intuition says that Laura should sign all DVD sets. I am not posting this spontaneously. It is rather that this subject has been coming up in my mind again and again over the past few weeks. Gurdjieff writes something about this but I am not sure where exactly it was. It has to do with the idea that some messages are only then conveyed when things are exchanged physically.

 

[knowledge_of_self]

Last night was an interesting session. I'd seen the movie Avatar that day, and it perhaps influenced what I saw. I'd also been reading Hancock's book Supernatural, which is being discussed in another thread, so that undoubtedly influenced me as well. Anyways, I had 4 "flashes" while doing the prayer. I wanted to keep track of how many times I said the prayer, because I was doing it without the recording, so I decided to picture each time as entering a room through a numbered door (I did 5 in total). While saying "Be my bread..." during one of the recitations, 3 images flashed in quick sequence: being plunged underwater, a strange goblin-like creature's face and shoulders, and looking upward to a large translucent dome which was brightly lit from the outside. The immediate association was of the water park in West Edmonton Mall (which I visited several times as a child). Later I saw a creepy horse, like out of Harry Potter - black, scaly, and monster-like. Then I saw a frightful face with large eyes, with a hand on his shoulder. The contact of the hand seemed to spark some electricity, lighting up the two figures for a split second. After all these sights I wasn't scared, but was curious what they were all about. I asked something, "What is there I should see about myself?" And immediately an image of myself, somewhat doll- or cartoon-like appeared and its arms were torn out by ropes! Weird stuff!

Hey AI, group:

I've been wanting to post this for a while but kept putting it off. But your door visions gave me a push to post this.

I've had an interesting vision happen for me during EE (mostly during the POTS) and even when I don’t do EE, but just listen to POTS.

This vision has been a sequence of the same vision on different times during EE. The vision started after a few weeks of doing EE. And it started with a girl, who I think is me, running inside what looks like a dark tunnel and it's very dark. I know the girl is running towards a door at the end of the tunnel. The vision always felt and seemed very strange to me, because it was very fuzzy and it seemed cartoony. So the first few times it happened I opened my eyes because I thought I was dreaming and I wasn’t… anyway,

During the first few weeks I was doing EE, the girl was always just running towards the door in the tunnel.

Then one day, I'd say about a month or so a go the girl finally opened the door and there is this REALLY bright light that makes the girl cover her eyes -and the vision would stop. This felt very emotional for me at the time and I cried because it felt like such a relief to finally reach the door.

And then recently about a few weeks ago I started seeing a figure inside the light and at first I didn't know who or what it was, and it was a very overwhelming feeling every time I’d see the figure start to appear..but then it became clearer and it was the same girl but a little bit older looking and well.... she had wings and was flying,

yes... like an angel...

Again, it was very emotional for me to see the angel figure.. I felt like it was the cosmic mind reaching out to me..because it was like me.. but ‘higher me’ I don’t know how to explain it..

The vision is there now, we are just reaching for each other. Nothing else has happened so far and it's still somewhat fuzzy when I open the door but the running in the tunnel part isn't that fuzzy anymore. I think as time goes by and I keep doing EE the vision will become clearer but it has been a highlight of my day/night to see it. :)

I've been trying to draw a picture so I can describe it but I’ve been really busy recently and haven't gotten around to finishing it.

I’ll try to finish the drawing soon.

 

[Adobe]

I truly don’t like bla bla bla i.e. noise, but I assume Vulcan has a reason behind his urging us to post, so …about bio-energetic breathing. At first I couldn't do it…just too tough, than I learned and experimented and found I was just breathing too deep and too fast and trying to pipe breath so you get the idea. I got the claw hands and all that. After refining and finding my happy spot with it, I noticed I was just not there anymore, I would go….out of mind and come back after Laura would slow down. The minute or two going in and coming out I started noticing I was with many voices chattering, appeared to be friends from various places in my life, and we were going or plunging into something difficult, through something and they were chattering its ok, hold hands and be brave here we go! etc, (it is not that clear by the way) one time I came out with the impression that some one was at may side whispering into my ear…what, I haven’t a clue.

I have been debating going back to China, although I have no reason, but only to study and travel, but not sure and might stay in states and travel. Lately the voices/thoughts are almost exclusively about something/anything in China. Not, “go to” , and not “stay out of“, just China thoughts. I suppose the thoughts of China could change to anything else tomorrow and probably will. Im not sure as how to take this “thing” as a guide (that seems too easy) or mind chatter…dunno yet, but its interesting. I also add that I think I have the breathing correct, but I do on occasion come out with the tingling pucker lips.

Adobe

 

[aragorn]

I just finished watching the new intro. Wow, well done! This amazing video covered so many aspects. And having seen many illustrations of how the diaphragm works, these animations were just in a league of their own-very informative.

One thing that I was left thinking when the video ended (which didn't actually have to do with the presentation) was that I want to know more about what the Chinese know/knew about Bioenergetic breathing. What is their take on it how it works. If breathing is life energy or qi, as I believe it is, what is the deeper esoteric or "hyperdimensional" aspect of circling the breath round and round in an "endless" loop?

P.s. The warriors breath wasn't mentioned in this intro, but maybe it will be addressed in future talks? From what I learned from Bionergetics is that this type of quick contraction of the diaphragm, e.g. shouting/grunting, is a good way to loosen it(the diaphragm) up. Am I right that this is one of the main reasons to be doing the WB?

Added: I remembered that one theory of why the spasms and tremors appear during round breathing is, that places in the body where the life energy is blocked get "blasted open" by this unusually high amount of energy/qi. And while these blockages are dissolving one senses spasms etc. Well, dunno if this is mumbo jumbo...somehow it sounds logical and plausible but I feel we need more evidence to support this!

 

[broken.english]

My intuition says that Laura should sign all DVD sets. I am not posting this spontaneously. It is rather that this subject has been coming up in my mind again and again over the past few weeks. Gurdjieff writes something about this but I am not sure where exactly it was. It has to do with the idea that some messages are only then conveyed when things are exchanged physically.

I want to add that a few days ago I received a EE dvd set(unsigned version), which does very weird things on my notebook. All three disks are causing wild start stop runs of the disk drive and some strange sounds. It could be a sudden malfunction of my disk drive and I am trying to sort this out. What adds to my confusion is that one of the disks after running for a while all of a sudden sent my notebook into standby. I am not aware that a disk drive is in any way connected with the standby function.

 

[Beau]

I want to add that a few days ago I received a EE dvd set(unsigned version), which does very weird things on my notebook. All three disks are causing wild start stop runs of the disk drive and some strange sounds. It could be a sudden malfunction of my disk drive and I am trying to sort this out. What adds to my confusion is that one of the disks after running for a while all of a sudden sent my notebook into standby. I am not aware that a disk drive is in any way connected with the standby function.

Have you tried a different computer to see if the same thing happens?

 

[abstract]

Up until now i've always done EE with the audio. Tonite I'm giving it a shot without the audio, in total darkness and silence. Shutting off the computer and everything. Be back later with what happens.

EDIT: I awoke less than an hour ago after doing ee previous night. With all the electronics shut off, no light and no noise, I was able to go "deeper" than normal. I began 3 stage, without distractions I was able to concentrate on the breath much more than usual, all its little details and so forth, the sound, the feeling.

After the first set of warrior's breath (did full program) my mind began to sink into itself, I thought about my anger issues etc. then some tears stream down my face, i lay and breathe before the next set. I get into ba-ha's and i notice by this time it is nearly effortless to draw a breath, as if I AM the breath. I then proceed to the POTS, i zoned out at some un-determined time, fell asleep, and woke up to do this edit. :)