Éiriú-Eolas - Breathing Program

[MoonGlow]

Thanks That's perfect. I like that all the questions are indexed.

 

[monotonic]

I was going to post this here but then realized maybe it needs its own thread. I had this dream after doing POTS:

http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,31494.msg419310.html#msg419310

 

[Explorer]

So Beatha wasn't a good idea. Everything came up at once; instead of feeling the usual irritation/anger of three-stage breathing I got this horrible, self-loathing hatred. I felt like tearing my skin off I was so angry at everything, most of all myself. It wasn't anger because of something I've done; I was angry at myself because of the fact that I am, because of the fact that I exist.

I went on a break-neck cycle ride to get rid of it, which didn't really work as well as it does with the anger release of three-stage breathing. About half-way through I began spouting every racial and religious slur under the sun, and my voice began to sound like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. Normally my voice is very deep and slow. This has happened a whole lot in the past, but it was really intense this time around.

Got home and did the meditation. Couldn't focus at all. My mind was all over the place. Woke up with a total lack of motivation, was in a world of my own at work (didn't cause any problems, but I felt terrible and not on the ball at all. I was also feeling incredibly insecure.) Got home and felt completely and utterly burnt out. Still do.

It was an ugly experience, and I am still reeling from it. I know that part of EE is experiencing the darkness to become aware of it in order to heal, but this was really full on, sort of like I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's like it gave me a hangover! I've had tears from meditation and outlet of anger from three-stage breathing, but nothing like this; I've always felt like I can manage it, whereas this completely took me over.

Another thing worth mentioning is the fact that I couldn't observe myself at all today. I was totally overwhelmed by programs.

Any advice? I don't feel ready for Baha.

 

[Buddy]

Any advice? I don't feel ready for Baha.

I have a suggestion for the particular experience you just described. Rewrite that in a journal or somewhere, paying particular attention to employing adjectives and descriptions of sensory information, rather than your normal interpretations of what's going on. This is also for later when you're more detached from the experience when you can possibly see something in it that you couldn't see before.

Here's an unoptimized example of what I mean, but, if you can, try also to describe what emotion like "anger" feels like and where you feel it rather than use the word.

You:

So Beatha wasn't a good idea. Everything came up at once; instead of feeling the usual irritation/anger of three-stage breathing I got this horrible, self-loathing hatred. I felt like tearing my skin off I was so angry at everything, most of all myself. It wasn't anger because of something I've done; I was angry at myself because of the fact that I am, because of the fact that I exist.

Your hypothetical rewrite:

So Beatha wasn't a good idea. A lot came up at once; instead of feeling the usual irritation/anger that seems to come with three-stage breathing, there was this sensation that feels like "loathing" or hatred. Sensations seemed to be dispersed around the body, yet felt mostly in the chest and abdomen and like a tightness in the muscles and a heavy uncomfortable weight squeezing my body. Another sensation came up like the skin on the arms and legs was being peeled away and there was an image or feeling or sensation that it was me [or someone not me] doing the tearing. There was so much generalized anger making itself felt. My entire physical frame felt tense and it seemed as if this anger, or a bulk of it, was directed at me. It seemed to be anger at the self's very existence rather than at some specific behavior.


As an aside, this could very well be an imprint in the body from some pre-verbal trauma caused to you by someone else, so your "I" may have no blame at all here. Don't be too hard on yourself, ok?

 

[Oxajil]

I have a suggestion for the particular experience you just described. Rewrite that in a journal or somewhere, paying particular attention to employing adjectives and descriptions of sensory information, rather than your normal interpretations of what's going on. This is also for later when you're more detached from the experience when you can possibly see something in it that you couldn't see before.

Hi Explorer, I agree with Buddy here. I have experienced more/less the same as you have experienced. The frustration part for me was that a lot was going on emotion wise and I felt I had little control of it. What helped me is like Buddy suggested; writing about how I felt and also what was going through my mind, in a very honest way (i.e. just letting it all out). So this may be something you could do to help you process in some way that what you are going through. When the emotions subside, and eventually they will (osit), you could read again what you wrote down, maybe think about it further, and maybe add some open interpretations to it if you think that could be helpful. What you're feeling may be related to narcissistic upbringing (I wonder if your anger towards your own existence could be related to a negative introject?), or maybe even things you may not consciously know about (maybe some past life things/traumas/recent event etc), either way, the important thing I think is that you're going through some processing.

I also found it difficult to meditate in that kind of state, so what I did is just running the POTS part without trying to meditate, I would just lie on my bed and listen to the words if I could, until I fell asleep. I also didn't do the Beatha part for a long time. Also, letting the anger out by punching some pillows or breaking some stuff (in a safe way!) could be helpful too. Fwiw.

Hang in there Explorer!

 

[Leonarda]

Hello everybody! I was about to buy the EE program in spanish and I realize that it is in CD. But my laptop doesn't have CD/DVD (macbook air, it only has USB) I can ask for a laptop with CD from a friend but it would be for some days only, not that I can have it every week.
My question is: is it possible to buy the programm in another format, like a pen drive or if it's not possible do you know if I can buy the program as it is and then convert it to another format so I can have it in my laptop?

 

[Jono]

Hello everybody! I was about to buy the EE program in spanish and I realize that it is in CD. But my laptop doesn't have CD/DVD (macbook air, it only has USB) I can ask for a laptop with CD from a friend but it would be for some days only, not that I can have it every week.
My question is: is it possible to buy the programm in another format, like a pen drive or if it's not possible do you know if I can buy the program as it is and then convert it to another format so I can have it in my laptop?

I'm not sure about copyright implications with changing the format, however you could buy an 'external USB optical disk drive', to play the DVD on your Macbook.

 

[Leonarda]

Hello everybody! I was about to buy the EE program in spanish and I realize that it is in CD. But my laptop doesn't have CD/DVD (macbook air, it only has USB) I can ask for a laptop with CD from a friend but it would be for some days only, not that I can have it every week.
My question is: is it possible to buy the programm in another format, like a pen drive or if it's not possible do you know if I can buy the program as it is and then convert it to another format so I can have it in my laptop?

I'm not sure about copyright implications with changing the format, however you could buy an 'external USB optical disk drive', to play the DVD on your Macbook.

Thank you Immersion, It's the first time I have a laptop without CD, so I am still getting used to it, I will look the disk drive that you say.

 

[Deleted member 4320]

Check it out

http://cassiopaea.org/Eiriu-Eolas/

 

[Leonarda]

Check it out

_http://cassiopaea.org/Eiriu-Eolas/

Oh That's good news! I could just donate the price of the program+shipping costs instead of buying the CD.

 

[Explorer]

Any advice? I don't feel ready for Baha.

I have a suggestion for the particular experience you just described. Rewrite that in a journal or somewhere, paying particular attention to employing adjectives and descriptions of sensory information, rather than your normal interpretations of what's going on. This is also for later when you're more detached from the experience when you can possibly see something in it that you couldn't see before.

Here's an unoptimized example of what I mean, but, if you can, try also to describe what emotion like "anger" feels like and where you feel it rather than use the word.

You:

So Beatha wasn't a good idea. Everything came up at once; instead of feeling the usual irritation/anger of three-stage breathing I got this horrible, self-loathing hatred. I felt like tearing my skin off I was so angry at everything, most of all myself. It wasn't anger because of something I've done; I was angry at myself because of the fact that I am, because of the fact that I exist.

Your hypothetical rewrite:

So Beatha wasn't a good idea. A lot came up at once; instead of feeling the usual irritation/anger that seems to come with three-stage breathing, there was this sensation that feels like "loathing" or hatred. Sensations seemed to be dispersed around the body, yet felt mostly in the chest and abdomen and like a tightness in the muscles and a heavy uncomfortable weight squeezing my body. Another sensation came up like the skin on the arms and legs was being peeled away and there was an image or feeling or sensation that it was me [or someone not me] doing the tearing. There was so much generalized anger making itself felt. My entire physical frame felt tense and it seemed as if this anger, or a bulk of it, was directed at me. It seemed to be anger at the self's very existence rather than at some specific behavior.


As an aside, this could very well be an imprint in the body from some pre-verbal trauma caused to you by someone else, so your "I" may have no blame at all here. Don't be too hard on yourself, ok?

Thank you, Buddy. I am giving it a go now, but it is hard to describe how I felt without using literal description. Would it be useful to share what I've written once I've finished?

Also, I am not sure what you mean by pre-verbal trauma.

I have a suggestion for the particular experience you just described. Rewrite that in a journal or somewhere, paying particular attention to employing adjectives and descriptions of sensory information, rather than your normal interpretations of what's going on. This is also for later when you're more detached from the experience when you can possibly see something in it that you couldn't see before.

Hi Explorer, I agree with Buddy here. I have experienced more/less the same as you have experienced. The frustration part for me was that a lot was going on emotion wise and I felt I had little control of it. What helped me is like Buddy suggested; writing about how I felt and also what was going through my mind, in a very honest way (i.e. just letting it all out). So this may be something you could do to help you process in some way that what you are going through. When the emotions subside, and eventually they will (osit), you could read again what you wrote down, maybe think about it further, and maybe add some open interpretations to it if you think that could be helpful. What you're feeling may be related to narcissistic upbringing (I wonder if your anger towards your own existence could be related to a negative introject?), or maybe even things you may not consciously know about (maybe some past life things/traumas/recent event etc), either way, the important thing I think is that you're going through some processing.

I also found it difficult to meditate in that kind of state, so what I did is just running the POTS part without trying to meditate, I would just lie on my bed and listen to the words if I could, until I fell asleep. I also didn't do the Beatha part for a long time. Also, letting the anger out by punching some pillows or breaking some stuff (in a safe way!) could be helpful too. Fwiw.

Hang in there Explorer!

Thank you, Oxajil. I am more than certain that it is the result of a negative introjet, something I often forget I have. When I know its there it's suggestions seem silly and I can observe it easily. The problem is when I forget about all these things floating around in my head and get swept up by them. That's when I have problems. Recent events have also been a little hairy, so I'm sure that contributed to the emotional overload I experienced.

Sometime pillows aren't enough :P I need to get out and exercise hard.



If I can elaborate a little further on how I felt at the time: I said that I wasn't angry at anything in particular that I'd done, but looking back now I'm not sure that is completely correct; it was so overwhelming that the hate and anger seemed generalized. Now, I can pick out individual things that I was angry about, and the anger stems from a pathological need for perfection stemming from one of my programs. I was angry about tons of little mistakes I've made, things of absolutely no consequence, and other innocent things. For example: having a crush on a girl who is in a relationship. It was loads of things like that; the program is very puritanical. It was angry at the fact that I get social anxiety. It was angry that I'm not happy all the time. It was angry that I haven't been exercising as much as I was a week ago. It was angry that I wasn't 100% on the ball at work a few days ago. It was angry that I am constantly vigilant in overcoming pornography addiction; it was angry that there is a necessity for this at all. It was angry that I am insecure; it was insecure because I was angry. I shouldn't be angry; anger is bad. I hate myself when I'm like this because I become the program, and the ironic thing is that it is the program making me hate myself. The program hates itself; it was angry that I was angry because of the program. It's absolutely crazy!

This is only one program! The problem is that it loops back onto other programs, and then it's like a merry go round of pathological thought patterns. Arrrgh!

I was doing best when doing meditation every night, nothing else. Maybe I should go back to this. It is far more gentle in its healing.

 

[Explorer]

I'm sorry, I don't think this isn't really the right place for venting. Could a moderator please shift the rant over to my thread in the swamp?

 

[Jacques]

I'm sorry, I don't think this isn't really the right place for venting. Could a moderator please shift the rant over to my thread in the swamp?

Hi Explorer,

Since you have answered to some members who had given you some advices, I don't think that it would be a good idea to move your post.

However, you can copy and paste some part of your post in your swamp thread and explain why you need to vent.

 

[Oxajil]

Hi Explorer,

Those are a lot of things you can further look into and write them down in your journal if you'd want to. You can try and see which ones don't really make sense and think of a more healthier and respectful (to yourself) way of looking at it. For example, you're angry that you're not happy 100% all the time. I don't think that being happy all the time is even possible, as life has its ups and downs (not to mention the sorry state our world is currently in!), so in this case you seem to have an unrealistic need, and since it's difficult to fulfill this need, you can often find yourself going back feeling this way. Perhaps an alternative way thinking about it would be "I'm not happy all the time, but I do what I can with what I have and continue to work on becoming more satisfied with myself and my life" or something like that. This kind of approach has helped me to some extent, applying it in real life is something else! But quite educating nonetheless.

Even though you may think that some of these thoughts that popped up don't entirely define you (when the program isn't running in sight), they may be unconscious beliefs about yourself and the world that do influence your behavior in daily life, without you noticing it. So taking a critical look at them and trying to redefine them, and then trying to apply them in life, could eventually help you with the process you're going through. Just a couple of my thoughts. And yes, I think doing the meditation every night could definitely help! Fwiw.

 

[Buddy]

Any advice? I don't feel ready for Baha.

I have a suggestion for the particular experience you just described. Rewrite that in a journal or somewhere, paying particular attention to employing adjectives and descriptions of sensory information, rather than your normal interpretations of what's going on. This is also for later when you're more detached from the experience when you can possibly see something in it that you couldn't see before.

Here's an unoptimized example of what I mean, but, if you can, try also to describe what emotion like "anger" feels like and where you feel it rather than use the word.

You:

So Beatha wasn't a good idea. Everything came up at once; instead of feeling the usual irritation/anger of three-stage breathing I got this horrible, self-loathing hatred. I felt like tearing my skin off I was so angry at everything, most of all myself. It wasn't anger because of something I've done; I was angry at myself because of the fact that I am, because of the fact that I exist.

Your hypothetical rewrite:

So Beatha wasn't a good idea. A lot came up at once; instead of feeling the usual irritation/anger that seems to come with three-stage breathing, there was this sensation that feels like "loathing" or hatred. Sensations seemed to be dispersed around the body, yet felt mostly in the chest and abdomen and like a tightness in the muscles and a heavy uncomfortable weight squeezing my body. Another sensation came up like the skin on the arms and legs was being peeled away and there was an image or feeling or sensation that it was me [or someone not me] doing the tearing. There was so much generalized anger making itself felt. My entire physical frame felt tense and it seemed as if this anger, or a bulk of it, was directed at me. It seemed to be anger at the self's very existence rather than at some specific behavior.


As an aside, this could very well be an imprint in the body from some pre-verbal trauma caused to you by someone else, so your "I" may have no blame at all here. Don't be too hard on yourself, ok?

Thank you, Buddy. I am giving it a go now, but it is hard to describe how I felt without using literal description.

Ok, just do your best. For me, the harder it was, the more I benefitted from detaching from it and just letting it flow.

Would it be useful to share what I've written once I've finished?

I don't know, but if you understand the goal, it might be better to keep it to yourself in case you want to go back and edit and re-edit as practice before anyone else sees it.

Also, I am not sure what you mean by pre-verbal trauma.

I mean before you learned to speak and think in language - like neonatal to infancy and possibly a little bit older.

If I can elaborate a little further on how I felt at the time: I said that I wasn't angry at anything in particular that I'd done, but looking back now I'm not sure that is completely correct; it was so overwhelming that the hate and anger seemed generalized. Now, I can pick out individual things that I was angry about, and the anger stems from a pathological need for perfection stemming from one of my programs. I was angry about tons of little mistakes I've made, things of absolutely no consequence, and other innocent things. For example: having a crush on a girl who is in a relationship. It was loads of things like that; the program is very puritanical. It was angry at the fact that I get social anxiety. It was angry that I'm not happy all the time. It was angry that I haven't been exercising as much as I was a week ago. It was angry that I wasn't 100% on the ball at work a few days ago. It was angry that I am constantly vigilant in overcoming pornography addiction; it was angry that there is a necessity for this at all. It was angry that I am insecure; it was insecure because I was angry. I shouldn't be angry; anger is bad. I hate myself when I'm like this because I become the program, and the ironic thing is that it is the program making me hate myself. The program hates itself; it was angry that I was angry because of the program. It's absolutely crazy!

That sounds like a good description and a good reason for going over and over an incident, finding more and more detail. It deepens your understanding and often releases a bit more emotion each time you go over it looking for new information.