There are many, many pieces to this mosaic. Many things from the distant past,
my early life, my recent life, the present, and probably the future. And all
of these things are like packets of energy being added into the system... and,
it may be that the more evolved the system, the less energy is needed to
destabilize the dissipative structure.
The fact is that some sort of energy entered the system and I am now seeing in
a different way, and have passed through a psychic storm of the flying apart of
the structure, and it is manifesting physically in some damned uncomfortable
ways!!!
Can we think that this may also be imposed on us consciously from some other
level of being in attempts to dissuade us from the path? Can these "attacks"
be designed to "separate the sheep from the goats?"
It is true that, at the time that the UFO showed itself to me and my children
on August 16, 1993, that this was the beginning of the SERIOUS suffering
relating to the present conditions. Prior to that, the problems were centered
in the heart and reproductive system. Those problems have ceased. (But, we
can see that problems with the heart relate to lack of joy and love and
problems with the reproductive organs relate to denial of the self as creative.)
Now, having moved past the "lack of joy" because I was denying my own
creativity, and having become joyful in discovery and dedication to knowledge,
I find an entirely new set of effects!!!!
For example, for eleven months (there is that number 11 again) after the
UFO sighting, my eyes and throat swelled shut every night at the same time and
I was forced to exist on antihistamines to control this angioedema. Once the
C material started coming through, some of that lessened, and it then became
more of a period of relative calm and ease of movement followed by a leap in
perception and understanding accompanied by massive physical "fall out." I
thought I had been through the absolute worst back in late March and early
April {1996} when I began to perceive the true difference between free will and lack
of free will, sts and sto, subjectivity and objectivity. This perception
caused me to take very definite actions in my life which included divorcing my
husband and eliminating a lot of people from close association because I could
clearly see that they were not interested in knowledge at all, but merely the
idea that I might be able to teach them some means of manifesting materially or
"creating" for selfish reasons.
At the human level, this created massive and overwhelming suffering, both
physical and emotional. I was unable to speak for several weeks due to a major
inflammation of the larynx, my eyes swelled shut and refused to respond to
either anti-biotics or any other form of treatment, my ears rang constantly,
and I had difficulty breathing and moving. Every joint and muscle in my body
hurt as though they were broken and torn. Having a baby was easier than all
that! I felt as though I were being literally crushed. I thought I would go
mad from the pain and the grief of seeing what my life truly was and being
forced, by virtue of my quest, to modify everything I thought I knew. At that point,
I could have plunged back into denial for the sake of peace and keeping everything
stable, but I had a dream that clearly told me that I was in mortal danger if I
did not take immediate action.
Now, Clarissa Pinkola Estes writes about the "Dark Man" in people's dreams.
I have connected the pertinent elements here and modified it slightly, but
it is mostly her words.
Pinkola-Estes said:
"The natural predator of the psyche is not only found in fairy tales but
also in dreams. "There is a universal initiatory dream, one so common that
it is remarkable if a person has reached age 25 without having had such a
dream. The dream usually causes the person to jolt awake, striving and
anxious. The dream usually involves being in a house with danger outside or
darkness outside. The dreamer is frightened and frantically tries to obtain
assistance. Suddenly, they realize the danger is virtually on top of them,
or right with them, or cannot be overcome or avoided, or that they have lost.
The dreamer awakens instantly, breathing hard, heart pounding.
"There is a strong physical aspect to having a dream of the predator. The
dream is often accompanied by sweats, struggles, hoarse breathing, heart
pounding, and sometimes crying and moans of fear. We could say the
dream-maker has dispensed with subtle messages to the dreamer and now sends
images which shake the neurological and autonomic nervous system of the
dreamer, thereby communicating the urgency of the matter.
"The antagonists of the 'dark dream' are, in people's own words,
'terrorists, rapists, thugs, concentration camp Nazis, marauders, murderers,
criminals, creeps, bad men, thieves.' There are several levels to the
interpretation of the dream..."
Oh, if Clarissa only knew the true level of interpretation!!!!!
Pinkola=Estes said:
"For instance, often such a dream is a reliable indicator that a person's
consciousness is just beginning to gain awareness of the innate psychic
predator...."
And who might that be??? Could it be those slimy little Gray
guys and scaly dudes? How about some blond, blue eyed liars who are so
beautiful that we think they are gods?
Pinkola-Estes said:
"The dream is a harbinger; the
dreamer has just discovered or is about to discover and begin liberating a
forgotten and captive function of the psyche.
How about being warned about the psychic danger of the hyperdimensional
beings or the controllers from higher densitites?
Pinkola-Estes said:
"The dark man dream tells a person what predicament they are facing. The
dream tells about a cruel attitude toward the dreamer. Like Bluebeard's
wife, the dreamer can consciously gain hold of the 'key' question about this
matter and answer it honestly, and can then be set free. ...
"The dark man appears in dreams when an initiation - a psychic change
from one level of knowing and behavior to another more energetic level of
knowledge and action is imminent. The initiation creates an archway which
one prepares to pass through to a new manner of knowing and being....
"Dreams are 'portales,' entrances, preparations, and practices for the
next step in consciousness.
"Dark man dreams are wake-up calls. They say: Pay attention! Something
has gone radically amiss in the outer world. ....The threat of the 'dark
man dreams' serves as a warning to all of us -- if you don't pay attention,
something will be stolen from you! The dreamer needs to be initiated so that
whatever has been robbing her can be recoginzed, apprehended, and dealt with.
"In the Bluebeard story we see how a woman who falls under the spell of
the predator rouses herself and escapes him, wiser for the experience. The
story is about transformation through knowledge, insight, voice, decisive
action. We must unlock the secrets and use our abilities to be able to stand
what we see. And then, we must use our voice and our wits to do what needs
to be done about what we see.
"When instincts are strong, we intuitively recognizes the innate predator
by scent, sight, and hearing... we anticipate its presence, hear it
approaching, and take steps to turn it away. In the instinct-injured (i.e.
nuts and bolts person) the predator is upon them before they register its
presence. We have been taught to be nice, to behave, to be blind, and to be
misused. We have been hypnotized to give up our flesh and skins.
"The young and the injured are uninitiated. Neither knows much about the
dark predator and are, therefore, credulous. But, fortunately, when the
predator is on the move, it leaves behind unmistakable tracks in dreams.
These tracks eventually lead to its discovery, capture and containment.
"Wild Ways teaches people when not to act 'nice' about protecting their
souls. The instinctive nature knows that being 'sweet' in these instances
only makes the predator smile. When the soul is being threatened, it is not
only acceptable to draw the line and mean it, it is required. ..."
And this is a key to free will.
There is more from William James' "Varieties of Religious Experience."
James said:
"At our last meeting, we considered the healthy-minded temperamemt, the
temperament which has a constitutional incapacity for prolonged suffering,
and in which the tendency to see things optimistically is like a water of
crystallization in which the individual's character is set. We saw how this
temperament may become the basis for a peculiar type of religion, a religion
in which good, even the good of this world's life, is regarded as the
essential thing for a rational being to attend to. This religion directs him
to settle his scores with the more evil aspects of the universe by
systematically declining to lay them to heart or make much of them, by
ignoring them in his reflective calculations, or even, on occasion, by
denying them outright. Evil is a disease and worry about evil is a disease
in itself. Even repentance and remorse.. may be but sickly impulses.
"Let us now... turn towards those persons who cannot so swiftly throw off
the burden of the consciousness of evil, but are congenitally fated to suffer
from its presence. ...there are different levels of the morbid mind... there
are people for whom evil means only a maladjustment with things, a wrong
correspondence of one's life with the environment. Such evil as this is
curable... by either modifying the self or the things or both at once.
There are others for whom evil is... a wrongness or vice in [their] essential
structure, which no alteration in the environment, or any superficial
rearrangement of the inner self, can cure, and which requires a supernatural
remedy. On the whole, the Latin races have leaned more towards the former
way of looking upon evil, ...while the Germanic races have tended rather to
think of Sin in the singular, and with a capital S, as of something
ineradicably ingrained in our natural subjectivity, and never to be removed
by any superficial piecemeal operations.
"...we speak of the threshold of a man's consciousness in general, to
indicate the amount of noise, pressure, or other outer stimulus which it
takes to arouse his attention at all. One with a high threshold will doze
through an amount of racket by which one with a low threshold would be
immediately waked. Similarly, when one is sensitive to small differences in
any order of sensation, we say he has a low 'difference threshold.' His mind
easily steps over it into the consciousness of the differences in question.
And just so we might speak of a 'pain threshold' a 'fear threshold,' a
'misery threshold,' and find it quickly overpassed by the consciousness of
some individuals, but lying too high in others to be reached by their
consciousness.
And this reflects also quantum transitions, as well as dissipative structures.
Those individuals with a "high threshold" are probably beings which have just
transitioned into this density from a lower one and therefore are able to
accommodate more 'packets' of energy introduction into their systems without
major disturbance. Those that are on the verge of "quantum transition" would
be more sensitive to these energies and have a lower energy addition tolerance.
James said:
"Goethe [expressed] 'I will say nothing against the course of my
existence. But at the bottom it has been nothing but pain and burden, and I
can affirm that during the whole of my 75 years, I have not had four weeks of
genuine well-being. It is but the perpetual rolling of a rock that must be
raised up again forever.'
"And Martin Luther said: 'I am utterly weary of life. I pray the Lord
will come forthwith and carry me hence... rather than live forty years more,
I would give up my chance of Paradise.'
"The only relief that 'healthy mindedness' can give is: 'Stuff and
nonsense! Get out into the open air! Cheer up, you'll be all right if you
will only drop your morbidness!' But, to ascribe spiritual value to mere
happy-go-lucky contentment is but the very consecration of forgetfulness and
superficiality. Our troubles are that we CAN die, that we CAN be ill, that
we ... need a life not correlated with death, a health not laible to illness,
a good that will not perish... said a friend: 'The trouble with me is that I
believe too much in happiness and goodness and nothing can console me for
their transiency.'
"[And so those who experience] a little cooling down of animal
excitability and instinct, a little loss of animal toughness, a little
descent of the pain threshold, brings the worm at the core of all our usual
springs of delight into full view, and turns us into melancholy
metaphysicians.
"Conceive yourself, if possible, suddenly stripped of all the emotion with
which your world now inspires you and try to imagine it as it exists, purely
by itself, without your favorable, hopeful or apprehensive comment. It will
be almost impossible for you to realize such a condition of negativity and
deadness. Whatever of value, interest, or meaning our world may appear
endued with are pure gifts of the spectator's mind. [For example] love
transforms the creature loved as utterly as the sunrise transforms Mont Blanc
from a corpse-like gray to a rosy enchantment. [So with our emotions] if
they are there, life changes.
This alone should tell us how easily our emotions can be used to control or
hypnotize us!
James said:
"In Tolstoy's case the sense that life had any meaning whatever was for a
time wholly withdrawn. The result was a transformation in the whole
expression of reality. When we study the phenomenon of regeneration, we
shall see that a not infrequent consequence of the change is a
transfiguration of the face of nature in his eyes. ...An urgent wondering
and questioning is set up, a poring theoretic activity, and in the desperate
effort to get into right relation with the matter, the sufferer is often led
to a solution...
"Tolstoy writes: '...I was neither insane nor ill. On the contrary, I
possessed a physical and mental strength which I have rarely met in persons
of my age. I could mow as well as the peasants, I could work with my brain
eight hours uninterruptedly and feel no bad effects. And yet I could give
no reasonable meaning to any actions of my life. And I was surprised that I
had not understood this from the very beginning. My state of mind was as if
some wicked and stupid jest was being played upon me by someone. One can
live only so long as one is intoxicated, drunk with life but when one grows
sober one cannot fail to see that it is all a stupid cheat. What is truest
about it is that there is nothing even funny or silly in it; it is cruel and
stupid, purely and simply. But perhaps, I said to myself, there may be
something I have failed to notice or to comprehend. it is not possible that
this condition of despair should be natural to mankind. And I sought for an
explanaton in all the branches of knowledge acquired by men. I questioned
painfully and protractedly and with no idle curiosity. I sought, not with
indolence, but loboriously and obstinately for days and nights on end. I
sought like a man who is lost and seeks to save himself - and I found
nothing. I became convinced, moreover, that all those who before me had
sought for an answer in the sciences have also found nothing. And not only
this, but that they have recognized that the very thing which was leading me
to despair - the meaningless absurdity of life - is the only incontestable
knowledge accessible to man.'
And I can echo the above with certitude as having been my own experience.
Only, I did come to a conclusion: that the object of this knowledge is to move
to an entirely new level of being.
James said:
"The only thing that need interest us now is the phenomenon of this
absolute disenchantment with ordinary life... when disillusionment has gone
as far as this, when one has tasted of the fruit of the tree, and the
happiness of Eden never comes again... the only happiness that then can come
is something vastly more complex, including natural evil as one of its
elements. The sufferer is born again as a deeper kind of conscious being
than he could be before.
"Having arrived at this point, we can see the antagonism that must arise
between the 'healthy-minded' optimist and the morbid-minded who take the
experience of viewing evil as essential. To the latter, 'healthy-mindedness'
seems unspeakably blind and shallow. To the former, the latter seems seems
unmanly and diseased. They believe that there is something almost obscene
about these children of wrath and cravers of a second birth. And, if
religious intolerance, hanging and burning at the stake, were still in vogue,
there is little doubt that the 'healthy-minded' would advocate the
destruction of the morbid minded rather than the other way around.
"The method of averting one's attention from evil, and living simply in
the light of good is splendid as long as it will work. ...yet there is no
doubt that 'healthy-mindedness is inadequate as a philosophical doctrine,
because the evil facts which it refuses positively to account for are a
genuine portion of reality; and these evil facts may be, after all, the best
key to life's significance, and possibly the only openers of our eyes to the
deepest levels of truth.
"The lunatic's visions of horror are all drawn from the material of daily
fact. Our civilization is founded on the shambles and every individual
existence goes out in a lonely spasm of helpless agony. To believe in the
carnivorous reptiles of geologic times is hard for our imagination - they
seem too much like museum specimens. Yet there is no tooth in any one of
those museum skulls that did not daily hold fast to the body struggling in
despair of some fated living victim. Forms of horror just as dreadful to the
victims fill the world about us today. Here, on our very hearths, the
infernal cat plays with the panting mouse or holds the hot bird fluttering in
her jaws. Crocodiles, pythons and rattlesnakes are vessels of life as real
as we are; and whenever they or other wild beasts clutch their living prey,
the deadly horror which the morbid minded feels is the literally right
reaction to the situation.
"...Since the evil facts are as genuine parts of nature as the good ones,
and our philosophic presumption should be that they have some rational
significance, then systematic failure to accord these things active attention
is less complete than those systems that attempt to include these elements in
their scope. The 'healthy-minded optimists only need to be born once, but
the 'sick souls' need to be born twice to be happy.
The result is two different conceptions of the universe:
subjective and objecfive.
James said:
"In the once born, the world is a one-storied affair... whose parts have
just the values which they appear to have... [to the twice born] the world
is a double-storied mystery. Natural good is not simply insufficient in
amount and transient, there lurks a falsity in its very being. It keeps us
from our real good and renunciation and despair of it are our first step in
the direction of the truth. There are two lives, the natural and the
spiritual and we must lose the one before we can participate in the other."
(William James from "Varieties of Religious Experience")
Someone wrote to me, regarding the C material and the ideas above:
"So, Jesus gives us the message, asks us to learn from it, but surely doesn't
force it on us. He was an optimist. Offered us the best of both worlds-- a no
lose proposition!"
I responded with quotes from the NT:
Jesus said:
"I have given and delivered to them Your Word; and world has
hated them, because they are not of the world - do not belong to the world - as
I am not of the world."
"Peace I leave with you; My peace I now give and bequeath to you. Not as the
world gives do I give to you."
"The world cannot hate you, but it does hate Me, because I denounce it for
its wicked works and reveal that its doings are evil."
"He said to them, You are from below; I am from above. you are of this world
- of this earthly order. I am not of this world. "
"Any one who loves his life loses it. But any one who hates his life in
this world will keep it to life eternal. Whoever has no love for, no concern
for, no regard for his life here on the earth, but despises it, preserves his
life forever and ever."
"Now the judgment of this world is coming - sentence is now being passed on
this world. Now the ruler, evil genius, prince of this world shall be cast
out -expelled. And if I be *lifted up from the earth,* I will draw and
attract all men to myself."
Juxtaposing the above sayings of Jesus against the passages from James
gives fuller insight into the process. It seems to me that we can achieve
knowledge only by comparing the two sides, positive and negative, which have
become separated from each other. As long as the two sides are together,
there is no creation. The visible world is only recognizable because of this
separation from unity in which nothing and everything are at rest within each
other.
All creation is like a tree which bears positive fruit on one side and
negative fruit on the other. It is still on the same tree. Only through
this separation and comparison is it possible to achieve recognition and
knowledge, and because of this, the material world must consist of good and
evil. Otherwise, nothing could exist.
The material world is the tree of knowledge of good and evil. To eat of
something is to become identical with it; for what you eat is what you will
become. By identifying in any way with this world, we retain this fruit
within us. We have identified our consciousness with it and become subject
to it. Therefore, the material world is the result of separation. Our
bodies are the material, manifested part of our true selves.
The striving for reunion is the desiring of the manifested part of the
consciousness to reunite with the unmanifested God consciousness. This
striving toward the "God state" or unification of positive and negative
forces is the source of all power in the manifested world. And, opening to
the objective, but painful, reality of the material world is crucial to this
process. Wherever negative forces are manifested, positive forces are
present in the unmanifested state. So, it might be said that the more
darkness one can be aware of, the more light one is capable of receiving.