NB: poster CarpeDiem is the sole responsible for posting this material
Considering ole Grandiose Revolutionary Trailblazers, here are snippets from the chapter on Narcissistic Vampires from
Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain Your Dry by clinical psychologist Albert Berstein
Narcissistic vampires have a disorder that is both psychological and cosmological. They believe the universe revolves around them. Unlike Antisocials, who are addicted to excitement, or Histrionics, who crave attention, Narcissistic vampires just want to live out their fantasies of being the smartest, most talented, and all-around best people in the world. Some Narcissistic vampires turn out to be little more than legends in their own minds, but a surprising number are adept enough to turn some of their grandiose fantasies into reality.
Considering themselves is what Narcissistic vampires do best. The trait they most conspicuously lack is concern for the needs, thoughts, and feelings of other people.
These vampires have tendencies in the direction of Narcissistic personality disorder.
More than loving themselves, Narcissists are absorbed with themselves. They feel their own desires so acutely that they can't pay attention to anything else. Imagine their disorder as a pair of binoculars. Narcissists look at their own needs through the magnifying side, and the rest of the cosmos through the side that makes things small to the point of insignificance. It's not so much that these vampires think they're better than other people as that they hardly think of other people at all. Unless they need something. Narcissistic need is tremendous. Just as sharks must continually swim to keep from drowning, Narcissists must constantly demonstrate that they are special, or they will sink like stones to the depths of depression. It may look as if they are trying to demonstrate their worth to other people, but their real audience is themselves.
Narcissists are experts at showing off. Everything they do is calculated to make the right impression. Conspicuous consumption is for them what religion is for other people. Narcissists pursue the symbols of wealth, status, and power with a fervor that is almost spiritual. They can talk for hours about objects they own, the great things they've done or are going to do, and the famous people they hang out with. Often, they exaggerate shamelessly, even when they have plenty of real achievements they could brag about.
Nothing is ever enough for them. That's why Narcissists want you, or at least your adulation. They'll try so hard to impress you that it's easy to believe that you're actually important to them. This can be a fatal mistake; it's not you they want, only your worship. They'll suck that out and throw the rest away.
To Narcissistic vampires, the objects, the achievements, and the high regard of other people mean nothing in themselves. They are fuel, like water forced across gills so that oxygen can be extracted. The technical term is Narcissistic supplies. If Narcissists don't constantly demonstrate their specialness to themselves, they drown.
WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE NARCISSISTIC
To know how Narcissistic vampires experience life, imagine playing golf, tennis, or some other competitive sport and having the best day of your career. You feel great, but the mental wall between confidence and fear is thin as tissue paper. Everything is riding on the next shot, and then the one after that. For Narcissists, the game encompasses the whole world, and it is never over.
Imagine the pressure should the only meaningful goal in your life be proving that you are something more than human. Narcissistic vampires' greatest fear is of being ordinary. They can't feel connected to anything larger than themselves, because in their universe there is nothing larger. Beyond their frenetic attempts to prove the unprovable lies only a dark, unexplored void. You might be tempted to think of them as tragic figures if they weren't so petty and obnoxious.
Narcissistic vampires are usually talented and intelligent. They are also among the most inconsiderate creatures on earth. You'd think that such smart people would recognize the importance of paying attention to other people. Dream on.
Well-Advertised Talent and Intelligence
The first thing you'll hear about Narcissistic vampires is that they are extremely intelligent and talented. You'll probably hear this from the vampires directly, since they are not the least bit shy in saying good things about themselves. A surprising number of Narcissistic vampires know their numerical IQ scores and share them with new acquaintances. You may also hear about famous people whom these vampires have met and in some way impressed. At seminars and meetings, Narcissistic vampires often have their hands in the air, but they never ask real questions. They make comments to demonstrate to everyone that they know at least as much and probably more than the person at the front of the room.
The pattern of trying to dazzle you with their talent and intelligence persists with Narcissistic vampires long after they make their first impression. They'll keep on until you're no longer visibly awed, then they'll ignore you completely.
Achievement
Most Narcissistic vampires have achievements to back up their high opinion of themselves. Unlike other vampire types who are just as happy to pretend, Narcissists are quite willing to work hard to glorify themselves. In their careers, these vampires are usually focused and goal-directed. Many are workaholics, but unlike Histrionic people pleasers who'll work themselves half to death for approval and love, Narcissists take on only those tasks that pay off in money, fame, or power.
Grandiosity
Narcissistic vampires are absolutely shameless in their fantasies about how great they are and how much everybody admires them, or should. If you press them, they'll admit that they consider themselves the best in the world at something. Actually, you won't have to press very hard.
Entitlement
Narcissistic vampires believe they are so special that the rules don't apply to them. They expect the red carpet to be rolled out for them wherever they go, and if it isn't, they get quite surly. They don't wait, they don't recycle, they don't pay retail, they don't stand in line, they don't clean up after themselves, they don't let other people get in front of them in traffic, and their income taxes rival great works of fiction. Illness or even death is no excuse for other people not immediately jumping up to meet their needs. They aren't the least bit ashamed of using other people and systems for their own personal gain. They boast about how they take advantage of just about everybody.
Competitiveness
Narcissistic vampires love to compete, but only when they win. Usually, they'll do whatever it takes to win, whether it be practice or stacking the deck in their favor. Narcissistic vampires are obsessively concerned with status and power. They'll fight to the death over a corner office, not because they want a nice view, but because they know what a corner office means in the organizational hierarchy. They know what everything means in every hierarchy. What they wear, what they drive, where they live, and who they're seen with are not random choices based on something so silly as what they like. Everything Narcissistic vampires do is a move in the great game of self-aggrandizement, which is their main reason for living.
Conspicuous Boredom
Unless the subject of the conversation is how great they are, Narcissistic vampires will become visibly bored. One of the main reasons Narcissists wear expensive watches is so they can look at them when someone else is talking. Besides boredom, Narcissistic vampires have only two other emotional states. They're either on top of the world or on the bottom of the garbage heap. The slightest frustration can burst their balloon and send them crashing to the depths.
Lack of Empathy
To a Narcissistic vampire, other people are either prospective purveyors of Narcissistic supplies or invisible. More than any other vampire type, Narcissists are incapable of seeing their fellow humans as having wants, needs, talents, and desires of their own. Needless to say, this lack of empathy is the source of untold amounts of pain to the people who love them. But for their lack of human warmth, there is a lot about these vampires to love. Many people destroy themselves by believing that it's their fault that Narcissists don't love them back. They will work hard and long, some times for their whole lives, without realizing that these vampires can't give what they don't have. A particularly scary trait that Narcissists share with Antisocials is the ability to feign empathy when they want something. Narcissists are the best flatterers on the planet. They give great ego massages even as they're draining people dry. Needless to say, this talent makes them great at politics. Even though Antisocials and Histrionics can be sexy, all the best seducers are Narcissists.
Inability to Accept Criticism
Narcissistic vampires' greatest fear is of being ordinary. God forbid they should do something as mundane as making a mistake. Even the smallest criticisms feel like stakes through the heart. If you reprimand Narcissistic vampires, the least they'll do is explain in great detail why your opinion is wrong. If you're right, the situation will be much worse. They will melt before your eyes into pitiful, dependent infants who need enormous amounts of reassurance and praise just to draw their next breath. You can't win. There's no such thing as a Narcissistic vampire being objective about his or her faults.
Ambivalence in Other People
Other people usually feel strongly about Narcissistic vampires. They either love them for their talents or hate their guts for their blatant selfishness. Or both. It's hard to say what does most damage - the selfishness, the hatred, or the love.
Narcissistic vampires always know what they want from you. They won't be the least bit reticent about asking for it or just taking it. To deal effectively with these self-absorbed children of the night, you must be equally certain about what you want from them. Always drive a hard bargain, and always make them pay before they get what they want from you. Remember this rule, and there's not much else you need to know.
Well, maybe one more thing: Unless you want your heart broken, never make Narcissistic vampires choose between you and their first love, themselves.
NARCISSISTIC SUPERSTAR VAMPIRES
Narcissistic Superstars play the lead in their own life story, which, to them, is indistinguishable from the history of civilization. These vampires believe at the depths of their souls that they are the most important people on earth. If you understand and accept this one central fact, Superstars cease to be a danger and become merely an annoyance. If the fact that they believe themselves to be the crown of creation offends you and makes you want to point out to them that they're not so great as they think they are, get away quickly, because they will destroy you.
Everything we've learned until now about Narcissistic vampires is also true of Superstars, except that, unlike Legends in their own minds, they know how to work and they know how to sell. These vampires are willing and able to do what it takes to turn their grandiose dreams into reality. Superstars' dreams are always beyond their grasp. Whatever they are and whatever they have is never enough. They always want more. Narcissistic Superstars' abilities, coupled with their tremendous hunger, may bring them success, but never satisfaction. They build empires, lead nations, create great works of art, and amass huge sums of money for one purpose only: to prove how great they are. Superstars may boast incessantly about what they have and what they've done, but once they have it or have done it, whatever it is loses value in their eyes. They always need more. Whether it's money, honors, status symbols, or sexual conquests, Superstars always want something. They get what they want too. Every one of them has a trophy collection. Adding to it is the sole purpose of Narcissists' existence; there is no higher goal.
Superstars love expensive toys. They have to have the best, because it shows that they are the best. An unrelenting drive to achieve and acquire is the center of their personality. There is no point in asking Narcissistic Superstars why they need to have so much and do so much. They don't know, any more than a flower knows why it turns toward the sun. Don't waste your time trying to figure it out. Use it. For all their talent, intelligence, and temporal power, vampire Superstars are pathetically easy to manipulate. Here's how.
First, Kiss Up. There is no way around it. If you want to maintain any sort of relationship with Narcissistic Superstars, you have to admire them, their achievements, and their toys incessantly. Typically, it won't take much effort on your part to kiss up to Superstars. They'll be more than happy to come up with reasons to congratulate themselves. All you have to do is listen and look interested.
Know Your Needs. It's important to know what you want for yourself as clearly as Superstars know what they want for themselves. Superstars always know what they want, and they're always trying to figure out how to get it. If your own needs are unclear to you, or you wait for these vampires to give you what you deserve, you'll never get anything.
Tie Your Needs In with Theirs. Superstars are going to get what they want whether you're a part of it or not. Make yourself a part of it. To get even slightly reasonable treatment from vampire Superstars, you'll have to play all the angles, just as they do.
Narcissistic Superstars always consider whatever they do to be the most valuable part of the process. They are also sophisticated enough to have all the votes they need before they bring up a motion.
Superstars' flagrant disregard of the rules of fairness can enrage the people who work with them, but the anger generally plays right into the Superstars' hands, at least in the short run. To the builders of the system, who are mostly Superstars themselves, impertinent upstarts who get angry about how it operates are simply demonstrating that they aren't smart enough to use it. Most Superstars see political savvy as the most important trait an individual can possess. Over the long run, these vampires’ value systems tend to distort the organizations they work in to the point that internal politics becomes more important than the product or service the company sells.
Superstar endeavors have a way of drifting away from being driven by product or service toward being driven by politics. These vampires don’t always do the best job, but they do give the best ego massages. If their clients are also Superstars, that’s that matters most.
No amount of negative press will change Narcissistic Superstars. They always have glee clubs of-self-interested supporters to sing their praises. Narcissists prefer sucking up to reasoned criticism every time.
SUPERSTAR HYPNOSIS
Superstars create an alternate universe in which they are special, and your success and happiness is contingent upon indulging their every whim. If you work for them, their power over you may be sufficient to turn their alternative universe into the one you have to live in. To make things more confusing, these managerial vampires often create systems that they themselves don't understand, because they don't design them. Everything is jury-rigged by employees to compensate for deficiencies in the manager's personality. There is only one rule in such systems: Humor the boss. Superstar vampires like to spout off about teamwork, empowerment, and flattening the organization, blissfully unaware that when they're around all real work stops because job number one is entertaining the boss. The comic strip Dilbert is a far better guide to this kind of organizational structure than any management text.
SUPERSTAR SEX
Superstars are famous for making fools of themselves over sex. People marvel at how such bright people can act like such complete idiots when their pants are off. Why do they do it? Sex is just one of the many forms of adulation that Narcissistic Superstars expect from other people. Superstars are major-league seducers and world-class adulterers, but absolute rookies when it comes to love. They don't see sex as related to love, at least when they do it. It's not so much the sex that Narcissists like; it's the keeping score. Antisocials pursue sex because it's fun. If a relationship gets too difficult, they tend to move on because there are other fish in the sea. Not Superstars; as a matter of principle, they want every fish, in every ocean, all the time. Sex for Narcissistic vampires is more important as a token of obeisance because it feels good or is a form of human closeness. The problem is that the people they get the sex from don't always feel that way. Superstars are most stupid about using their power as a kind of foreplay. They can delude themselves into thinking that office romances are perquisites of their jobs. There are, of course, legal and political implications to the [example of Superstar vampire luring his office employees into sexual relationships, omitted here].
When Superstars want something from people, they actually see them as great and wonderful. That’s why their hypnosis is so effective. Once Superstars get what they want, their perceptions return to what, for them, is normal – seeing ordinary people as inadequate. The problem is that the people they seduce may still be laboring under the delusion tat they are as special as the superstars said they were.
Everyone is affected adversely by Superstars’ peccadillos: the people they seduce, the coworkers who feel they were passed over for promotion, and all the other folks standing on the sidelines watching this soap opera [of office seduction] proceed to its unhappy conclusion so they can get on with their jobs. And that’s even before the lawyers arrive.
SUPERSTAR DEPRESSION AND ANGER
Despite the best efforts of consultants, therapists, and significant others, many Superstar vampires never seem to grasp the idea of connecting to something larger than themselves. It is that lack that ultimately makes their lives unsatisfying. Yes these vampires invariably believe that their lack of satisfaction results from other people criticizing them unfairly or just not making enough effort to please them.
Vampire Superstars tend to experience two different kinds of anger that may be indistinguishable to the outside observer.
In the world of Superstars, incompetence is the gravest crime. Their standards for themselves are high, and even higher for the little people around them whose job it is to keep everything running smoothly so that the Superstars can do their jobs. Needless to say, Superstars get angry quite often, especially if other people's mistakes cause even slight inconvenience. These vampires' favorite tantrum is the condescending lecture on standards of minimal competence. Such lectures seldom have the desired effect of inspiring people to work harder and be more careful. Often Superstars feel, correctly, that the little people around them are purposely ignoring their requests and instructions. This usually leads to more tantrums. The other kind of anger that Superstars experience is at themselves when they don't win. Their spirits can drop like a stone at the slightest evidence that they've made a mistake. Superstars are their own severest critics, but when they begin criticizing themselves, they always seem to find things to criticize about other people as well. Being angry at everybody else tends to divert Superstars from their disappointment in themselves. It's hard to say whether Superstars get angry because they're depressed or get depressed because they're angry, but it's absolutely certain that when Narcissistic vampires get depressed, everyone gets drained. If you're close to a Superstar, rather than cringing in fear at his or her irritability or retaliating, it's more helpful to try to find out what the real problem is and discuss it.
Passive-aggressive behavior enrages Superstars, yet they draw it like a magnet. It makes sense. The way they whack people over the head with blunt criticisms, who could blame anybody for retaliating? Superstars, that's who. Narcissistic Superstars and Passive-Aggressive Histrionics are a match made in hell. Each can cause the other to escalate into spasms of self-destruction.
If you ever have to deal with Superstar anger, the most important thing to remember is not to respond the way a Passive-Aggressive Histrionic would.
Understate Superstars' transgressions rather than exaggerating them, even slightly. Annoying as they are, Narcissists aren't sadistic like Antisocial Bullies; they don't enjoy inflicting pain for its own sake. Superstars are just a bunch of insensitive babies throwing very creative tantrums. Call them irritable, call them obnoxious, call them SOBs, but don't call them abusers. Abuse is a crime. If you use that word, all you'll get from Superstars is defensiveness. If you impugn their reputations, they'll be more interested in proving you wrong than in hearing what you have to say.
