Two years ago, when I met Eärwen I found out about her mistake with Ouji board, and I was kind a angry at Laura because I was thinking that Eärwen didn’t deserve to be banned from the forum, at that time I could not understand what she did. Because of my lack of English knowledge but also because I was still angry at Laura I have visited forum only to read new sessions. I couldn’t imagine to be part of such “cruel” group, even after Eärwen told me couple of times that she deserved what she got. She was driving me crazy because she usually take blame for what she did and what she didn’t do.
Furthermore, this forum layout is the same like one page where I have spent many days in my life, but because of my need to be sincere I have experienced very ugly things. In those days I have read Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton and I was delighted, I felt like someone “put” my thoughts in the book. Convinced that I’m doing the right thing I have tried to be sincere as much as I can but, sadly, without external consideration to others. For others that was pretty shocking, in the beginning they didn’t react at all but once when I was on meeting with group of people, talking what I percieved as truth and honesty I found myself physically souronded with them and they have had a very bad attitude against me. They tried to “enlighten” me with shouting and yelling, with agressive behaviour, and they wanted to show me how stupid I am and that I’m not spiritual at all, asking me how many spiritual books did I read (who is counting this kind of stuff?) and in couple of minutes they concluded that I’m abnormal because I did not have normal childhood, (my mom died when I was 18 years old) and I could not be normal with only one parent. I was trying to tell them that living without mom is a lesson and could help in learning, I was saying what I percieved as the truth and stayed calm. Most important, I was a guest at their home so I was thinking it will be rude to argue with them.
Same things happened in most of my relationships, I was trying to speak “the truth” so much that I was completely ignoring feelings of other side. I am still feeling guilty because of that, and because that was so cruel to others.
When I read The Fourth Way for the first time, I was so sad because I didn’t see the chance that I could find such school and that in my lifetime I will be part of this kind of school. Although Eärwen told me several times that Laura and her crew live and work according to Gurdjieff way I completely neglected that info because of my biases form the beginning of the text.
All of that, consciously & unconsciously was driving me away from the forum and just before couple of months I start to understand the message of “Gurdjieff work” and spontaneously I made thread about the vampire I’m living with and how to defend myself.
The reactions were very helpful, for the first time in my life I received practical advices and members of the forum suggested different threads and books about vampirism.
Besides that, I asked Chu for the help because she seems like a very sensitive, wise and practical person. She gave me in several occasions information about diet, books that could help give more light to the problems that I was puzzled with and all that for free and without feeling that I’m obligated to return favor. I never got privilege to live or communicate in environment where people helping each other and don’t ask nothing in return. I start to realize I should relax and believe that this is real thing, it is not just one time thing, this forum is like that all the time.
When Eärwen returned to the forum I was so happy. Her sadness because of mistake she did before 4 years ago was huge and I didn’t know how to help her. When she wrote the first coupe of explanations why she did the things she did and why she didn’t response in the discussion of the Ouija board I thought: ”Ok, that’s enough. Stop it now! You don’t have to peal your skin so deep, there no need for it any more!” When she did it again I felt like she is doing the same thing but without meaning, I couldn’t understand the reason for it and I didn’t know why she is answering on every single question. I asked her about that and she said that is the right way to deal in the Gurdjieff’s school and that she is willing to open completely and that is the only right way to fight the programs. I still didn’t connect her words with all the things I have read in The Fourth Way and I was very worried about her, but also for myself. I had a feeling if we make mistakes now that we will lose our only chance to learn on the forum in STO environment.
Everything on the forum seems to me like a treasure, I don’t want to lose access to it because of inappropriate sentence or false information. Although I was angry on Laura at first seing Eärwen “punishement” as to strong and unjust, I could see that Laura is extremely helpful and that she is giving so much of knowledge and energy to people for free. My foolish anger flipped in to admiration, respect and absolute trust.
And then, boom! Laura posted passage from book “In Search of the Miraculous” from Ouspensky:
Laura said:
"The next demand made of members of a group is that they must remember why they came to the group. They came to learn and to work on themselves and to learn and to work not as they understand it themselves but as they are told to. If, therefore, once they are in the group, they begin to feel or to express mistrust towards the teacher, to criticize his actions, to find that they understand better how the group should be conducted and especially if they show lack of external considering in relation to the teacher, lack of respect for him, asperity, impatience, tendency to argument, this at once puts an end to any possibility of work, for work is possible only as long as people remember that they have come to learn and not to teach.
I was feeling so guilty, I wanted to turn back the time, and change every single thought that I have had in my mind.
To my mind came phrase from the Game of the Thrones: You know nothing Jon Snow.
That is how I am feeling right now.
I am still feeling like fool, like I didn’t have connection with reality and like I lived in a soap bubble. How could I be so blind and not being able to see the main reason for Eärwen to be banned from the forum? Now I know that Eärwen or anyone else, including myself need to write on the forum in order to learn about what we have in our minds and that is only possible with network.
Before I wrote this post I didn’t sleep all night, but I’m feeling much better now when I shared my mistakes with you.
I am still worried and scared about your reactions on my post, but Gurdjieff said we have to fight against our own fears and lies. :/
nothing you can do is 
learn a lesson and long post never write directly on forum reply :(.
, because they don't wanna know, they don't care and probably they never will. And here, people care, this organization is very good designed and I feel privileged to be part of it. This environment makes you feel creative and makes you to think, on my work I have lost all my creativity I'm just trying to make good pizza, even pizza never could be good because I don't think that is food at all.
