I lied to myself and others,
Which others, members of the forum or another, family, friends?
, but the most important thing is I can see my programs and I'm fighting against them.
What exactly happened that you could now see yours programs, because as you say, four years have passed, something changed
Two years ago I met Dakota, she was searching for answers only forum,
One of the damage control programs was impatience and panic attacks, Dakota helped me a lot with these two because she asked of me to talk about them all the time, and she was demanding direct answers not being happy with short “yes-no” answers. In some situations I could not make a word coming from my mouth, I could actually feel my throat closing to the point of pain. This was really hard to fight with, but Dakota again jumped in with her methods of “let’s talk about it nice and easy,” she is natural born psychotherapist, and I can’t thank her enough.
If you were in such a poor mental state, how could you keep MW?
Why not sought professional help?
For sure I lied to the forum members and FOTCM members, I was thinking I could do a lot of things, for example that I know how to work trough preparation of FOTCM project in Lovište when in stead I was overwhelmed in laws and jungle of papers that I could not understand except for few basic things. Even more Lied myself for not, recognizing my own limits, for example not asking help of FOTCM members. I lied to myself and others presenting myself as cool and calm when instead I was nervous and insecure and with no real knowledge about myself, I presented myself as strong and independent woman, and I was not. I was chicken and I was full of doubt in any of my abilities. I lied FOTCM members and forum members in my abilities to learn and understand when I didn't understand a thing or I understand it in limited extend.
I lied to my husband to and my mother and father, brother and his wife, whenever I was scared I lied presenting myself in a better light, this was most obvious when getting in touch with something that I perceived as danger or something I have to think about deeply or when I supposed to do something I did not wanted to do. I would say I'll do it or "I know everything about it" and than for hours sometimes for days I was determined not to think about problem, and waiting for problem to get solved by itself. because of that I become almost stranger to my family they lost a faith in me and they did not respect me any more.
I Lied to Laura because I told her we are channeling things, and we did not, I know I should not constantly focus on "experiment" with spirit board, but I have to say what were my lies. I lied myself thinking I could do it freely without any problem and that nothing bad can happend to me or to members involved. I lied myself afterwards telling myself I don't know why I was banned from the forum and I lied to Saša telling him that our experiment was not such a big deal and that we should be worried about it although we were allready in deep mud of self denial and as Saša said negative loop.
The biggest liar I was to myself but in retrospect, if lying to oneself than can not tell any truth to others. So basically I was liar to everybody.
Yes indeed something changed, my relationship with family and friends was disaster, how could be anything else when lying to myself and others more and more, my marriage "ended" after I found out my husband is lying to me to, and that I am unable to be a wife in any possible aspects to him, I found out he did not want to help me to get a job in order not to be ashamed of me because he did not want anyone to see that I have 110 kilos and he was sure I would not be able to work and his friends on work will be pissed of for my state and they will blame him. It was a job in a bakery, and I really needed a job. All my systems of beliefs/lying started to fall down, I don't know how to explain this I felt at that time like I was house of cards and that I'm crushing to the ground, but I was still thinking about myself and not others.
In a way I disintegrated under the pressure of lies, at first I cried because of "poor me" but than even more problems emerged, my moms heart problems became scary, my brother's had accident on boat and almost died, my father was heavily ill because invalid in bed and constantly in bed, my "friend" V***** was using me just to come to the vacation in Croatia for free and so on.
After couple of emergencies, including when my husband had accident with the bike and he needed to stay in beds for days I started to think about others, I was scared for my mom and dad so I started to assist them, with my brother I become to be more and more friendly and with his wife i started to talk and communicate on daily bases. On the end I begin to communicate with my husband and we transformed our marriage in to a partnership.
The change didn't ocured at once and it is still going on.
Good question, I did not, MW in many occasions worked without my assistance, especially when led by two other editors, all the work was organized by I**** and B***** (if needed I will provide names to the admins). At that time I was translating small texts more like translation of simple things once a week or even less, texts with funny pictures with just openings with couple of words, and I have idea to stop with everything. Both editors form Bosnia and Rijeka took control over MW and were editing post, lecturing my poor written things and they replied to the readers and FB MW page.
I still have this problem with closed thorat when shocked, but I'm fighting against it. EE helps with it. At first my mom played the biggest assistance in fighting with daily biases when she noticed I had a will to fight it she communicated to me on a way we did not for a long time, and than Dakota assisted me even further, but than I allready had a strong wish to fight with worst things in myself.
So I guess when I could love only myself I was worst possible person, and when started to think about family I more and more start to feel love for them not thinking about me, me, me than I started to change in real sense of the word.
I did spoke with local doc and she said to me, I'm just going trough mid age crisis and take sleeping pills, everything will be OK, take one glass of wine before going to bed and that was it, if not getting better I will give you something like Prozac. We'll that really scared me to death especially when knowing what Prozac like pills are doing to people.