finding partners...

[Alada]

This question occurred to me;

How can we find romance and at the same time "expect attack" ...

By remembering and applying what has been learned. Most especially that to ‘expect attack’ here, also means to also expect it from within.

And then this girl needed a place to stay. My friend brought her to the camp. But they didn't click. And I could pretty much tell she is psychotic, and by that I mean ..I don't just resemble her dad, at times she thought I WAS her dad.. And also various celebrities, and/or she would think I was someone from her past. But then two minutes later think I was someone else. And you know... The thing is, I love learning! She even looked me in the eye once and she said "Mmmm you are the pinnacle of human perfection". Her eyes had this lizard like look to them, briefly. And of course reading sott, etc for the past 8yrs, I'm thinking.. Veeeeeerrryyy interesting. But also having just arrived at the 2nd chakra, I need some answers. About... Food. And how's the best way to eat, in an STO fashion.. and sex, which is like food, energizing (to me). And I can feel she's possessed by, something, demons, I don't know. But yah, pinnacle of perfection, now I'm not gonna die per se, so get milked, so let's begin.. I've had to dance with devils all my life, so.. Its all just math. And you know, math is fun too. FEAR NOTHING, I guess I went in out of simple curiosity.

The above reads as the predator predatory feeding... nothing more mysterious or exotic than that. You took advantage of this woman and are hiding the fact behind a bunch of ‘woo woo’, so it seems to me.

So maybe the first question would be better phrased as “how can the predator get sex for itself and at the same time still “expect attack”. When put like that, you see the incompatibility of the two ideas. You can’t answer that question in any way that makes sense, when the root of it (the part that is asking) is also a form of attack!

This is a thread about finding partners after all, and you used the word ‘romance’. But from your actions and way of thinking it would seem these concepts are a waaaay down the list of priorities here.

A clever person would spend a great deal of time getting to know a potential partner, would cultivate a relationship, allowing anything (if it is there in potential) to grow of its own accord. That makes for plenty of time to see how things fit (or not), and to head off potential attack whether from our own predatory mechanical behaviors, or from the other person who is wearing a mask that may take time to see.

One also has to remember that pretty much everyone else suffers with the same predatory mechanical behaviors, especially around this subject. So it seems to me if we can see a dynamic forming (especially an unhealthy one), where the other cannot yet see it, the duty and responsibility is ours to make sure that does not take hold. A relationship founded on that basis is sure to fail in terms of being helpful and productive in any Work on oneself.

And that applies to both parties, we should care enough about a potential partner to help them keep well away from the predatory, mechanical parts of themselves when it comes to forming relationships, so that they too are protected from unhelpful influences, in themselves as well as in us.

Did you read the latest session? What you wrote sounds an awful lot like some of that. You know, call it what you will, the ‘indigo hue of the fourteenth chakra’ or whatever, but when it boils down to it, its about sex and the predators mind. Your just painting a pretty picture of it to yourself to mask it is all. Or so it seems to me.

We have to learn to think and act consciously when it comes to forming relationships, not just mechanically follow what is in our trousers.

 

[cheezemurda49]

Just a man.. No. This doesn't have to be boring. I remember a commercial on The Learning Channel, and it said ARE YOU HUMAN? ..and I looked around , but I didn't see any humans.. And now I would say I see a lot of machines.. I wonder what a real man looks like, don't think I've ever met one.

And in some ways, I just remember, all I wanted to do in life was your typical A trait stuff.. I was a kid, not really thinking about it, A traits and all this stuff but I remember my feeling, cuz my dad and mom and everybody were just A+ as far as that's concerned, but then these aliens came into my life and... I never really got the chance to develop, ..I had my share of little I's but eventually they starved to death cuz I couldn't feed them. I suppose I have a couple survivors, but they're badly damaged, dying. Its just me now..

I'm supposed to be slowing down with the mania,....

All I'm saying is.. I might be "just a man", but do the C's AND RA contact just anybody? Maybe they do.. I don't know. But it seems doubtful. Why me? (and laura and the RA group), and now I'm burning out so I don't know what to do... Am I supposed to... I used to want to move to France, I'm thinking.. Why? At the time I thought laura lived in Florida.. But now I see France? Though I gave up on France. How do I contact laura? ..I feel like.. Well maybe the world doesn't need me... But wait.. Maybe it does... I feel URGENT, but I'm running out of postage. Kinda slipping over to the dark side and... I'm not intelligent enough to figure out.. Plus I'm running on 1.5 chakras... Give me a breeeak. I would honestly be relieved if the C's told laura I'm a lost cause and to be banned for sixteen lifetimes, I would be relieved if the whole world gave up on me.. I don't want attention, I don't crave attention, I crave isolation... its taken me 8 years to build up the audacity to post anything.. Somehow I just felt I couldn't die without laura knowing that somebody out there also made contact with the C's... AND RA.. yah, I think its amazing. I love my life, I love me, I love everything... I don't know whats going on... Except I almost died twice this year, and I just got on this forum so I don't know how to direct a post or message, HI LAURA! .. its midnight I'm a little tired, but best time for telling the truth. I wanna cry. I wanna.. Live, but feel like dying. They told me, council of nine, supposedly, that there is a mass assembly gathered round daily praying for my death DIE DIE DIE.. You know, like that I guess. This was about 6 years ago maybe.. Yah I'm still alive. Then that movie MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS (never seen it but seen the previews) and I'm like holy shit, I'm the goat! Never went to see it, i am the goat every single day. People are laughing, oh yah, well.. Its an alright movie blah blah.. But they don't know what its like to be the goat. Laura, I don't even have any desire of any kind, well maybe just to ask the C's Why Me? Thank you for all your Efforts .. I'm slowing down now.

 

[luke wilson]

Hi Cheezemurda49,

I don't wish to dismiss any of your high strangeness experiences but I think they should be treated with a healthy dosage of skepticism. Failing to do so leaves you at a high risk of falling for lies in the worst possible way. Given that you are a self confessed drug or x-drug user, I think this adds another very good reason for skepticism. I think you should be skeptical about those experiences and what meaning they hold for you.

Reading your posts, there is a lot of things mixed in that its hard to tell what is what. If this is a reflection of your mind, then I think the first order of business is to de-bug, de-clutter, regain that ability when we can begin to tell apart different things. Only then can you make true progress otherwise you'll just remain prisoner to your own thoughts and narratives. Having said that, I suppose its also important to mention that getting these narratives out in the open can only be healthy but only if you are open to honest feedback from others.

 

[luke wilson]

Hi Guys,

I have a question that I need an honest answer to. A really honest answer.

I already know the correct answer, the default answer.

Is it weird to be a guy well into your adulthood and always have been single?

Before you answer the question here is the correct answer from a forum perspective;

"Oh no it's not weird, you need to work on yourself and you'll naturally find a co-linear partner, you need to understand who you are and what you are looking for etc"

Nonetheless, it's weird, right? Be honest, it is...

Here is the correct answer from the 'rest' of the world perspective

"Yup, completely and utterly weird, you have something wrong with you somewhere, either poor social skills or some attribute that puts any potential partner off you... "

I'm late to this thread and apologize if this response is redundant:
It seems to me that the assumption that we should be partnered up in a romantic relationship is part of very intense, and perhaps increasingly intense, social programming. In most cultures, in most periods of history, some form of "monkhood", or "nunhood", or the status of being a 'solitary' has been accepted. The burden that a person who chooses to be single carries nowadays strikes me as totally unfair, remarkably arbitrary, and severely lacking in imagination. The longing to be loved, to be in love seems to me to be a great social and psychological 'automaticity' that we should all question. It is not an issue of 'is this a good or bad imperative', but rather is this romantic pairing imperative really mine to embrace, or simply something I'm supposed to obsess on. To be free is to make choices, to make choices we have to objectively see what the choices are...That there should be any onus placed on a person for being single is remarkably bizarre...

Not only are they extremely strong social programs, they are hard wired biological/chemical/genetic programs. Following the social program is also hard wired!
I think in the end it boils down to accepting that these 'base (biological) drives' will always exist in us to some degree, and then working to direct the energy they generate into something more positive.
I think there needs to be a balance struck between acceptance of the existence of these drives within us (i.e. not rejecting what is mostly hard wired), and learning to decide what to do with them - which includes not indulging them on a whim. A compassionate, critical, humorous, objective (i.e. not judgmental or fluffy) understanding of self as you are combined with discipline, will power and practice. And more humor at the how ridiculous it is to be human sometimes! We're always ever way too serious/fixated or flippant/dismissive.

Sounds so easy on paper! :)

Well, another dangerously insidious thing apart from the biological and social drive is the feeling of worthlessness on a visceral level. From experience, you can see how others can view you on such a low level due to this that it just makes you feel like absolute crap - crap is not even the right word, maybe sub-life is a more appropriate term, not subhuman but sublife. You'll know what I mean if you've ever felt it. Its the same sort of feeling that you may get as an ethnic minority who comes across that ideology that so permeates the world. You know, that subhuman/sublife feeling. I can imagine it may also be similar to the feeling a woman gets when she is rejected for not being up to standard on modern beauty scales. Basically that feeling that cuts direct to your humanity and innate sense of life and totally shutters any sense of self worth.

This feeling is an absolute beast to get over. Social, biological drive are tough, this other feeling sucks out whatever glow of light you have left.

 

[archangelbob]

Krishnamurti said something once that I never forgot, and have used it habitually (when I wasn't being overwrought anyway) since I read it.

"To become intelligent, one need only remove stupidity from one's thinking."

I have found it a very solid basis to contemplate all issues from, including the topic of this thread.

*note: intelligence is not the same as being informed. Intelligence is what one uses to process information.

fwiw

Peace,
AB

 

[RedFox]

Sounds so easy on paper! :)

Well, another dangerously insidious thing apart from the biological and social drive is the feeling of worthlessness on a visceral level. From experience, you can see how others can view you on such a low level due to this that it just makes you feel like absolute crap - crap is not even the right word, maybe sub-life is a more appropriate term, not subhuman but sublife. You'll know what I mean if you've ever felt it. Its the same sort of feeling that you may get as an ethnic minority who comes across that ideology that so permeates the world. You know, that subhuman/sublife feeling. I can imagine it may also be similar to the feeling a woman gets when she is rejected for not being up to standard on modern beauty scales. Basically that feeling that cuts direct to your humanity and innate sense of life and totally shutters any sense of self worth.

This feeling is an absolute beast to get over. Social, biological drive are tough, this other feeling sucks out whatever glow of light you have left.

I totally get that - it's something I wrestled with for about 25 years. A few things helped me get past it.

Firstly (again it's easy on paper) people who put you down are not people you should value the opinion of too highly. Especially when it comes to yourself. In short - you are allowing others to dictate your worth. Take a moment to think about that. Do you want to always have your self worth set by others?

Next (and I've said this before) To the brain the pain of rejection really hurts - thinking about (imaging) social rejection hurts just as much. It's like breaking your arm just by thinking about it. If you place your self worth in others hands, you are allowing them inflict severe pain on you.

This goes back to what it means to be human - we are social creatures and deep connections with others is important. So right here we see that deep connection involves being vulnerable to that level of pain.

So why does that 'hurt' you describe keep hanging around? It's like any dysfunctional relationship - like a women who unconciousely keeps being attracted to men who beat her up, we get attached/attracted to those that inflict pain on us.

One more caveat - some sensitive personality types (those that feel deeply) can have deep connections to others, but are also vulnerable to deep hurt from others. If you have experienced a lot of social pain, your brain becomes trained to spot it! Yo can become over sensitised to pain (a social slight could feel like a broken arm) and may even start to see it when it doesn't even exist (someone looks bored so it must be you, your failing as a human being, you're going to be rejected, severe mental pain is triggered etc).

Does that make sense?

Compassionately accepting your past pain/self - truly feeling it deeply and not rejecting it can help.

It's not about being narcissistic, but about self acceptance.

Self-Compassion: The Most Important Life Skill?

Which brings it back to allowing others to define your self worth. Self compassion is about finding self worth in a healthy way, about realising you have been hurt and that you are worth something. Allowing others to hurt you is about believing you are worthless, that you do not deserve healthy human connections, and the only way to get any human connection is to be a doormat.

You can beat yourself up for all that or apply self compassion to heal your wounds, quiet the level of pain you feel and then give compassion to others.

In the end remembering that the goal of helping others without reward or expectation for yourself is important. As bad as this pain is, there are ways to overcome it and continuing to let it rule you means you are less free to help others. Others who hurt just as much as you do.

 

[Hesper]

In the end remembering that the goal of helping others without reward or expectation for yourself is important. As bad as this pain is, there are ways to overcome it and continuing to let it rule you means you are less free to help others. Others who hurt just as much as you do.

Exactly. Thanks for sharing everyone.

As for feeling subhuman, I am thinking about my own personal blockages and how they can relate to others. I remember being bullied as a little guy. And retreating from people, and feeling ashamed for being a fat band nerd and a geek, and playing video games to try and escape the world. Then I'd feel more ashamed for being a video game nerd, and felt betrayed by myself for doing that, but I was too afraid of everything and felt like an ugly worm!

But I remember really wanting to have a girlfriend. So I knew that I would have to reinvent myself in order to attract a girl. So I went on a diet, and I learned to play guitar, and I changed my image by joining a band. And along the way I meditated a lot on the concept of self-development and of how others saw me, and it turned out that at the same time that I found a girlfriend I found the forum. At that point I guess I knew what the "love" of my life was. When I finally realized we weren't co-linear I broke up with my girlfriend, and went down a very similar path to you, Luke - the single guys. But it's not a serious issue in the long run IMO, if you know what I mean. We have ways to ease the stress and pain, and it's just mechanical stuff there OSIT. Just throwing that out there. On the emotional level we could get caught up in self-pity but that would only be more evidence that we're not remembering ourselves. We know that external consideration is the source of happiness, and doing nice things for others is ALWAYS instant relief in the loneliness department. So it seems best to use our desire to love and be loved to continue to grow and refine. We'll make it through the toxicity of loneliness - it's just one of the challenges right in front of us, OSIT. Good luck to you :)

 

[MusicMan]

Hear, hear, Hesper. If you go through life with a positive attitude and a smile for everybody you meet, you'll get along just fine, as well as reaping the rewards, of people returning your smile. Or their response when you thank them and tell them that they have done a good job, or made you an excellent coffee, it just makes your day, (and theirs) as well as reducing that lonely feeling.

 

[Lindy444]

~ Thank you for all the responses.. I feel validated. I too occasionally find myself longing for a collinear relationship but I returned to my mission, for lack of a better word after reading the responses.. :) So many others on this journey are single too! I had my share of a matrix marriage, 20+ years and I am enjoying the time alone, and I continue to heal from that experience.. I don't foresee a relationship in the near future, for I am in the states on a mountain alone, with one adult child and visits from another and my grand child.

How I arrived here is a story in itself, but obviously meant to be. For I was able to bond with nature on a deep level, where if I had not moved here, I doubt this relationship with the planet would have occurred.. I love being able to walk outside and listen to the silence, rather then the city noises.. and so, so much more.

If I look at my scenario through the lens of others, (sleepers) that surround me, I am an "older crone" who cannot get along with others.. Ha! My connection with others is via members of this community and one like minded friend. Very small world here..

I will be selling in the Spring, too much land for this crone and am deciding where to plant roots from here.. I do not want to leave my children, for I am the only family sense they have, so I imagine this is how I will play out, with the little amount of time afforded in the future.. I feel empowered to do so now after reading all the responses and will continue my journey to completion. Whatever comes my way, I will embrace.

Thank you all.......

 

[RedFox]

Luke (and anyone else suffering from the pain of social rejection/isolation) - to add to the things I mentioned above I recalled some more tools that are what allowed me to make a breakthrough in dealing with things.

The first on needs, as I've said above needing company is hired wired and hurts when we don't have it. Understanding that I had needs as a human being was kind of a revelation.

Which leads to the second point on self compassion - isn't that just narcissism?

_http://www.self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/self-compassion-versus-self-esteem.html

Self-compassion versus self-esteem
Although self-compassion may seem similar to self-esteem, they are different in many ways. Self-esteem refers to our sense of self-worth, perceived value, or how much we like ourselves. While there is little doubt that low self-esteem is problematic and often leads to depression and lack of motivation, trying to have higher self-esteem can also be problematic. In modern Western culture, self-esteem is often based on how much we are different from others, how much we stand out or are special. It is not okay to be average, we have to feel above average to feel good about ourselves. This means that attempts to raise self-esteem may result in narcissistic, self-absorbed behavior, or lead us to put others down in order to feel better about ourselves. We also tend to get angry and aggressive towards those who have said or done anything that potentially makes us feel bad about ourselves. The need for high self-esteem may encourage us to ignore, distort or hide personal shortcomings so that we can’t see ourselves clearly and accurately. Finally, our self-esteem is often contingent on our latest success or failure, meaning that our self-esteem fluctuates depending on ever-changing circumstances.

In contrast to self-esteem, self-compassion is not based on self-evaluations. People feel compassion for themselves because all human beings deserve compassion and understanding, not because they possess some particular set of traits (pretty, smart, talented, and so on). This means that with self-compassion, you don’t have to feel better than others to feel good about yourself. Self-compassion also allows for greater self-clarity, because personal failings can be acknowledged with kindness and do not need to be hidden. Moreover, self-compassion isn’t dependent on external circumstances, it’s always available – especially when you fall flat on your face! Research indicates that in comparison to self-esteem, self-compassion is associated with greater emotional resilience, more accurate self-concepts, more caring relationship behavior, as well as less narcissism and reactive anger.

The last is holding two opposing emotions in order to rewrite my emotional reaction - that of the self compassion and that of the pain I felt. It's a techniques from Dialectic Behavioural Therapy.
The mechanism can be applied to things like fear as well as pain.

As I didn't have personal experiences that matched these that I could recall I used what I'd learned about Laura (as a mother) on the forum and remembered her describing how she once had to sit with one of her kids who was at deaths door.
How would that feel? The ONLY thing you could truly give at that moment is to be fully present and there for your child, you have to put all your feelings/thoughts/dissociation second, and being fully there means feeling there pain whilst being helpless to change it!
And what does it feel like to be the child? To be helpless, incapacitated, and vulnerable? But to have that level of compassion from someone being totally present and feeling what you feel? Knowing you are not alone.

I neither wanted to be in pain (because I was hyper-sensitised to it), nor did I believe any of my basic human needs should be met (I was a 'monster'). This then just drives you into a sort of spiralling energy drain and passive aggression/narcissism (but I can't be narcissistic - look at how much of a martyr I am!)
But holding the above example in my mind and really feeling it changed something.

Brain's response to threat silenced when we are reminded of being loved and cared for

The study discovered that when individuals are briefly presented pictures of others receiving emotional support and affection, the brain's threat monitor, the amygdala, subsequently does not respond to images showing threatening facial expressions or words. This occurred even if the person was not paying attention to the content of the first pictures.

Is it possible to rewire your brain to change bad habits, thoughts & feelings?

Nature, however, turns out to be more ingenious than that. The brain does come equipped with a key to those locked synapses - and we have the resilience to become radically free of our early emotional learnings. This key became evident in 1997, when several labs began publishing reports of a brain process that hadn't been recognized before. This process turns off a learned emotional response at its roots, not by merely suppressing it - as in a behavioral-extinction procedure - but by actually unlocking the neural connections holding it in place and then erasing it within the nervous system. Brain researchers named this process memory reconsolidation, and went on to demonstrate how it works in nematodes, snails, sea slugs, fish, crabs, honeybees, chicks, mice, rats, and humans. Remarkably, what the brain requires to unlock and erase a particular learning follows the same three-step process in all those species: reactivating the emotional response, unlocking the synapses maintaining it {safety/activation of the vagel nerve plays a part in this, along with attitude/understanding/belief. If you believe you can never change, you never will! see my first points on my beliefs that locked it in place}, and then creating new learning that unlearns, rewrites, and replaces the unlocked target learning.

 

[Lindy444]

After reading a reply I have begun to wonder about "my motives".. I don't allow many others in who don't speak this language, or mine as I see it into my life. Wondering if this is a lack of tolerance with others outside the realm of what I happen to believe. I have removed many that I believed were and are toxic to me.. After a long marriage to a psychopath, who finally has little control these day, but still some, I am so very careful about whom I choose and allow into my untrusting world.

Am I doing the right thing, or is this STS and I am being narcissistic? I have had my share of many in my life saying one thing and then doing something else? Over and over and over. Very disheartening.. I have experienced a level of pain I would not wish upon any and was controlled
for so very long..... So I have removed these types from my life, which again leaves little room for many around me.. I think it's healthy to question self, but not sure again after this read if I am on the right track.. Many that I have removed are living what they think is the "American Dream". See my home, my cars my clothes? Pictures of happy faces, entree's from restaurant's.. Shining Holiday decorations.. All on FB.

Am I trying to justify and rationalize my decisions?

Example: One woman in particular I have known for 27 years, told me she is having an affair with someone outside of her long term marriage. Her husband is also along time acquaintance so this is very uncomfortable and very disturbing to me. The dishonesty is overwhelming for me, having been experienced this situation myself and being in the husbands place. This woman will not tell him or even have a discussion about her actions. I am supposed to just "know".

So I removed these type's from my life. Again, my world is very small now due to trust issues, so I have to ask myself, "What part are you playing in this?" Is this caring for myself and my children? Or is it falling into introvert behaviors, which I tend to enjoy. I tend to stay alone so that I don't have to deal with these types, but now question whether this is selfish or not..

Just a self check.... Feedback would be welcomed..

 

[dugdeep]

After reading a reply I have begun to wonder about "my motives".. I don't allow many others in who don't speak this language, or mine as I see it into my life. Wondering if this is a lack of tolerance with others outside the realm of what I happen to believe. I have removed many that I believed were and are toxic to me.. After a long marriage to a psychopath, who finally has little control these day, but still some, I am so very careful about whom I choose and allow into my untrusting world.

Am I doing the right thing, or is this STS and I am being narcissistic? I have had my share of many in my life saying one thing and then doing something else? Over and over and over. Very disheartening.. I have experienced a level of pain I would not wish upon any and was controlled
for so very long..... So I have removed these types from my life, which again leaves little room for many around me.. I think it's healthy to question self, but not sure again after this read if I am on the right track.. Many that I have removed are living what they think is the "American Dream". See my home, my cars my clothes? Pictures of happy faces, entree's from restaurant's.. Shining Holiday decorations.. All on FB.

Am I trying to justify and rationalize my decisions?

Example: One woman in particular I have known for 27 years, told me she is having an affair with someone outside of her long term marriage. Her husband is also along time acquaintance so this is very uncomfortable and very disturbing to me. The dishonesty is overwhelming for me, having been experienced this situation myself and being in the husbands place. This woman will not tell him or even have a discussion about her actions. I am supposed to just "know".

So I removed these type's from my life. Again, my world is very small now due to trust issues, so I have to ask myself, "What part are you playing in this?" Is this caring for myself and my children? Or is it falling into introvert behaviors, which I tend to enjoy. I tend to stay alone so that I don't have to deal with these types, but now question whether this is selfish or not..

Just a self check.... Feedback would be welcomed..

It's a tough situation, Lindy444, but I think it's one that you can successfully navigate. What it sounds like, from your post, is that you may be seeing the whole situation in black and white terms. Perhaps you feel threatened, so are moving to isolate yourself, which is understandable. Sometimes, when we're wounded, we feel the need for isolation in order to heal.

But it sounds like you may be throwing the baby out with the bathwater. I think isolating ourselves from pathologicals is certainly warranted. But that doesn't mean we need to isolate ourselves from everyone who shows even a hint of being ponerized.

It sounds like your friend in the example you're giving is making a mistake. Does that mean you need to cut her out of your life? Remember that all of us are here to learn lessons. Sometimes those lessons are difficult and people need to roll in the dirt before they'll actually see the light. This is difficult to watch in many instances, especially when we're emotionally invested with the people learning those lessons. But we have to remember that the lesson is theirs to learn, and that we can't learn it for them.

I'm not sure what the right answer is to how you should deal with the situation, but cutting everyone out of your life who shows STS motivations will leave you completely alone - we're all STS here on this planet, after all. Perhaps you need to work on setting up safe boundaries in how you interact with people. Maybe you need to tell your friend that, despite your understanding that she needs to make her own decisions, you don't want to be involved and to please not discuss her affair with you in the future.

FWIW

 

[archangelbob]

Remarkably, what the brain requires to unlock and erase a particular learning follows the same three-step process in all those species: reactivating the emotional response, unlocking the synapses maintaining it {safety/activation of the vagel nerve plays a part in this, along with attitude/understanding/belief. If you believe you can never change, you never will! see my first points on my beliefs that locked it in place}, and then creating new learning that unlearns, rewrites, and replaces the unlocked target learning.

[/quote]

Thank you RedFox.

Again, my world is very small now due to trust issues, so I have to ask myself, "What part are you playing in this?" Is this caring for myself and my children? Or is it falling into introvert behaviors, which I tend to enjoy. I tend to stay alone so that I don't have to deal with these types, but now question whether this is selfish or not..

Just a self check.... Feedback would be welcomed..

I feel ya Lindy.

When I began to understand for myself at some point that there was validity in everything is when I began to have more peace. I don't mean my inner gushiness kind of peace, like how happy I am. I began to understand that thing, that idea that all there is, is lessons.

It's valid to ignore the lessons - to stumble along blindly and repeat patterns, people do it all the time. Over the long haul it will work out one way or another. But if a person's real question is who am I? Why am I here? What's my personal raison d'être ? Then you have to start looking at all of your patterns. Especially the ones where you are most vulnerable, have the most emotional triggers.

What I found through relationships (all of them, however intimate relationships are the ones that really bring our stuff up) was that from this perspective I could very very quickly determine where to put my time and energy. I've never been interested in repeating patterns. When I was younger I would be filled with self-loathing when I realized I was in yet another pattern. I would be shocked at how different externally my situation might be and yet, if and when I looked at things honestly, I was repeating exactly a pattern I wished not to.

One thing I noticed was that when in my life I was in balance (not repeating patterns), then there were women who wanted to be in a relationship with me. Does balance create gravity, or perhaps rather, does balance have more pull in 3d? I'm not sure but we do pull people into our lives. What are we required to do then? Actually, nothing. What experience shows us is that more than likely, we will do whatever gives us our next lesson.

My current relationship started when my partner agreed with me about this perspective. Not just as a life perspective but as a foundation upon which to build a relationship. That it's all about the lesson. That to be together, with love, was to support one another's spiritual growth, wherever that may lead. Do we stay in balance, day-to-day? Not always, but we have a way back. Did we marry? no. That would be, from my perspective (I'm not sure about hers, marriage doesn't seem important to her) creating an unnecessary construct that would artificially build a limitation to our mutual as well as individual growth.

The past we have as an individual, and the pain from that past does not go away, nor do the emotions triggered by that past. When we are reminded of our pains, when we have these narcissistic emotions, all that is required is the decision to not feed them. To be able to do that requires not taking those feelings personally. People resist that. It feels personal. People who do not do that want to believe it is personal, at least theirs is... I've noticed this most strongly among the older new agers, with whom I am most often associated and friends with. It is a curious thing. In a broad intellectual discussion most will acknowledge the impersonal nature of the universe, and yet still take things personally that clearly are not.

So Lindy I guess my question for you is, why doubt the validity of solitude? Why waste the time you have now, with the psychopaths out of your day-to-day, with self-doubt? You are valid. Why is this true? You are. The question is, what do you do now? And here you are! A great place to get informed, a great place to reflect and learn and grow. What you can learn from Laura's openness about her life is clear, and repeated in many ways and perspectives across the forum. People are inscrutable. But the Process, ah... you can trust it will go on.

We all have to learn that our place in the process is the only thing where we really have any free will. If then! Ha!

Anyway, I hope this helps in some way.

Peace,
AB

 

[Lindy444]

So Lindy I guess my question for you is, why doubt the validity of solitude? Why waste the time you have now, with the psychopaths out of your day-to-day, with self-doubt? You are valid. Why is this true? You are. The question is, what do you do now? And here you are! A great place to get informed, a great place to reflect and learn and grow. What you can learn from Laura's openness about her life is clear, and repeated in many ways and perspectives across the forum. People are inscrutable. But the Process, ah... you can trust it will go on.



AB, thank you so much for responding.. ;) I love my solitude, it's divine.. Self doubt, yes that is something I need to work on and am..

Yes, Laura has been very helpful.. I do trust the process, I do, but then I must not at times if I question and doubt myself some moments.. Progress, not perfection is a motto I use.. I have learned some new things about myself this weekend to work on from this forum. Work under construction, always..

 

[Alchemie]

That is wonderful, if a single man /or woman has a certain psychologisce maturing, or has engaged in a lot. I would be surprised, if such a person can not find a partner for life.
If you will not get the ideal "on salver", then perhaps you feel like the protagonist in "Die Liebe deines Lebens, by Cecelia Ahern" (google says, that the english version of that book is called "How to Fall in Love"http://www.buecher.de/shop/romane--erzaehlungen/how-to-fall-in-love/ahern-cecelia/products_products/detail/prod_id/37218936/ ),
who do as a life-saver and hobby-psychotherapist. The author also use a warm comedy, that brighten up (auflockern) the serious topic in this novel.



We are all somehow traumatized, so it's a big job to work on a deep love relationship (Sto-way).
If I would not be forced by the adverse circumstances to learn to focus on the essential, then I would have committed more mistakes and would easily/lazy, would have fled always. I would not be togehter with my husband.
True love is for most people actually trauma work.


In the (German) book "Frauen und Männer passen nicht zusammen-auch nicht in der Mitte: Warum die Liebe trotzdem glücklich macht", by Malte Welding (=Women and men do not fit together-even not in the middle: Why the love still makes happy" by Malte Welding") love is aptly described, how I think from own experience,too:
p. 28
[...]
[size=10pt]Liebe ist das, was übrig bleibt, wenn Sie alles, was Sie für Geld kaufen können, aus einer Beziehung abziehen; den Sex, die Massagen, das Kochen, all die kleinen Dienstleistungen des Alltags, für die es auch aushäusige Experten gäbe. Liebe ist die letzte große Anarchistin, Liebe ist das letzte große Abenteuer.[/size]
=
Love is, what remains, when you subtract all from a relationship, what you can buy for money; Sex, the massage, cooking, all die small services of everyday life, for that external experts could be available. Love is the last major anarchist, love is the last great adventure.
[...]