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genero81

The Living Force
FOTCM Member
I spent the early part of my life being a chameleon, as part of my defense mechanism, hiding myself from others
I can relate to that, I did the same.

Realizing where that led, I've adopted the only remedy that seems viable for me which is to be transparent to those who are helping and to those I can help
An intellectual remedy. I get that too. I can only tell you of my experience. I had an unfounded fear of others. It looked to me like everyone around me really had it together and knew what they were doing. When it finally became apparent that most everyone else was doing the 'fake it till you make it' strategy in life as well, the fear mostly went away. I was able to get real and just be me. I'm not overly transparent with people. That's not usually a great strategy, for me or them. I can be pretty darn honest though. I usually do it in a playful way if I know them well enough. I have empathy because I've struggled and suffered. You're almost 20 years younger than me so I've had a little longer in the school of hard knocks.

If you haven't read 'Healing Developmental Trauma' do. Sounds like you developed the connection survival strategy talked about in that book.
 

GqSoul

Jedi
I can relate to that, I did the same.



An intellectual remedy. I get that too. I can only tell you of my experience. I had an unfounded fear of others. It looked to me like everyone around me really had it together and knew what they were doing. When it finally became apparent that most everyone else was doing the 'fake it till you make it' strategy in life as well, the fear mostly went away. I was able to get real and just be me. I'm not overly transparent with people. That's not usually a great strategy, for me or them. I can be pretty darn honest though. I usually do it in a playful way if I know them well enough. I have empathy because I've struggled and suffered. You're almost 20 years younger than me so I've had a little longer in the school of hard knocks.

If you haven't read 'Healing Developmental Trauma' do. Sounds like you developed the connection survival strategy talked about in that book.
You're experience is really helpful to reflect on. I really appreciate you sharing. I started to read the thread on healing developmental trauma and I'm really keen to start working through the book.

I'll have the samenow books on order tomorrow as well and will start there, but I've already seen so much from the childhood trauma aspect that I have to dig deeper into.

What occasioned my recent comments and thoughts was reflecting on the interviews I've been on recently and observing the dynamics -- the role I play. Being truly sincere with others has happened with my wife, family, one friend of 20 yrs and on this forum. I can't say I have had much practice in the broader world being "myself" in an optimal way.
 

Potatoes and Tomatoes

Padawan Learner
I can relate to that, I did the same.



An intellectual remedy. I get that too. I can only tell you of my experience. I had an unfounded fear of others. It looked to me like everyone around me really had it together and knew what they were doing. When it finally became apparent that most everyone else was doing the 'fake it till you make it' strategy in life as well, the fear mostly went away. I was able to get real and just be me. I'm not overly transparent with people. That's not usually a great strategy, for me or them. I can be pretty darn honest though. I usually do it in a playful way if I know them well enough. I have empathy because I've struggled and suffered. You're almost 20 years younger than me so I've had a little longer in the school of hard knocks.

If you haven't read 'Healing Developmental Trauma' do. Sounds like you developed the connection survival strategy talked about in that book.
There was an article on the radio a few months back and the presenter was discussing 'Imposter Sydrome'. Quite remarkable how many people, particularly professional people, felt that they were an imposter in their chosen field. Many thought that at some point, they'd be found wanting and fired...some even left jobs before this imaginary firing could happen! Despite outward appearances, lots do think they are just 'winging it'.
 

aragorn

The Living Force
FOTCM Member
There was an article on the radio a few months back and the presenter was discussing 'Imposter Sydrome'. Quite remarkable how many people, particularly professional people, felt that they were an imposter in their chosen field. Many thought that at some point, they'd be found wanting and fired...some even left jobs before this imaginary firing could happen! Despite outward appearances, lots do think they are just 'winging it'.
Yes, that is a typical feeling for people who are wounded in various ways during their upbringing, due to e.g. parents' narcissism, substance abuse, absence etc. It's a difficult reaction to get rid of (I've struggled with this all my life). This is detailed also in 'Trapped in The Mirror', 'The Narcissistic Family', and 'Adult Children of Alcoholics'. Highly recommended reading, if you haven't done so.
 

GqSoul

Jedi
Yes, that is a typical feeling for people who are wounded in various ways during their upbringing, due to e.g. parents' narcissism, substance abuse, absence etc. It's a difficult reaction to get rid of (I've struggled with this all my life). This is detailed also in 'Trapped in The Mirror', 'The Narcissistic Family', and 'Adult Children of Alcoholics'. Highly recommended reading, if you haven't done so.
These latest comments remind me that I want to re-read the big five psych books in the light of my recent experiences. I'm nearing the end of Dr. Samenow's Myth of the out of Character Crime and will be working on synthesising my notes. It's been interesting to note the thoughts/insights that present themselves when asking, "How do these errors or patterns manifest in my behavior?"
 

Jenn

Jedi Council Member
FOTCM Member
These latest comments remind me that I want to re-read the big five psych books in the light of my recent experiences. I'm nearing the end of Dr. Samenow's Myth of the out of Character Crime and will be working on synthesising my notes. It's been interesting to note the thoughts/insights that present themselves when asking, "How do these errors or patterns manifest in my behavior?"
I think that's a really good approach to take, because yes ok, we aren't criminals, but it is still those same dysfunctional thinking patterns that lead us to behave in ways that harm ourselves and those around us. And even worse, if those thinking patterns are left unchecked and continue for years they could turn into criminal behavior. Definitely eye-opening!
 

Chu

Administrator
Administrator
Moderator
FOTCM Member
I think that's a really good approach to take, because yes ok, we aren't criminals, but it is still those same dysfunctional thinking patterns that lead us to behave in ways that harm ourselves and those around us. And even worse, if those thinking patterns are left unchecked and continue for years they could turn into criminal behavior. Definitely eye-opening!
I agree. Criminals or not, the point is to see what those thinking errors can teach us. And the logic behind them is very much like the predator's mind in many instances. So, being aware of them is the first step towards doing some "rewiring". I'm glad to see that not only did you take a break as suggested, but also implemented some of our suggestions. I hope that these efforts allow you to learn lots about yourself and others, thus being able to be more You.
 
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