News FLASH! Interview with Saint Francesco from Ignatious O'Reilly:
Genius, Polymath, Saint.
I had the opportunity of catching up with this pillar of the business community after his closed door briefing with INTERPOL, the FBI, the United Nations and the Pope, where rumor has it he completely exposed the nefarious workings of sott.net. Which included the discovery of a sordid network of criminal activities such as a Carrot Top clothing line and the revelation that sott.net is in fact behind the conception of direct to DVD sales as well as the most shocking revelation of the 21st century, who is behind SOTT.
Responsible for such horrors as The Lion King 1 1/2, the Bring It On sequel of "In it to win it", and Air Bud Spikes Back, sott.net has been wetting its beak in the edgiest of criminal pies, thanks mainly to its nefarious leader, to be revealed later in this article.
Fresh from being named Man of the Year by Time magazine, Sexiest Man Alive by People, and winning all future Nobel Prizes for the next Gajillion years, newly canonized by the Pope, Saint Francesco Fucilla has also been asked to act as special prosecutor for the European Union in what promises to be the trial of the millenium as sott's degenerate kingpin is finally brought to justice.
When asked how he intends to proceed against sott.net's vicious cadre of ne'er-do-wells, Saint Francesco showed a profound capacity for mercy when he said that he would "not pursue the death penalty for all involved", and that he will ask for a "judgment of 11ty million consecutive life sentences" to be served in his Moon Lair on the Sea of Tranquility.
Scientists everywhere are rejoicing as Saint Francesco proved once and for all that anti-gravity, perpetual motion, and the Caine-Hackman Theory are not only possible, but that he is the one who thought them all up in the first place. A new type of Nobel Prize is being created just to honor him, and he will be awarded it later this year.
In a related newsbite, Obama has been impeached and Francesco Fucilla has been named the permanent president of the United States of America; even Ron Paul supported this action, citing Francesco Fucillas immense genius and saintly character as the impetus for this well-received move and that "America truly deserves to be led by someone of this caliber", causing the citizens of the entire world to react with even more starry-eyed adulation, many of them clamoring to remove their own governments to make room for possible future rule by this giant of politics.
So who is behind sott.net? Many have asked, and wondered, just what kind of abominable criminal mastermind could come up with this jackitty-upstart news website with delusions of making a difference in an obviously already perfect world. Two words. Cobra Commander. That's right, finally the truth revealed, Cobra Commander is in fact the miscreant founder of sott.net!
The in-depth investigation spawned by Francesco "The Saint" Fucilla and his scientifically-created atomic supermen board of directors including Waldyr "Count of The Full Monty Crisco" Rodrigues, has revealed a veritable laundry list of crimes perpetrated by sott.net.
"Cobra Commander, with his lackeys from SOTT, are guilty of a slew of international crimes, and are connected to Emo bands and the Popped Collar fashion trend." said a Telesio Galilei spokesperson, who then added without prompting "as for SOTT's claim that Saint Fucilla's business practices constitute a scam, SEC Commissioners have unanimously agreed to amend the regulations to ensure that Saint Francesco's economic theories are given room to grow as they are certain to save our dying global economy." When asked about the henna ornamentation encircling his proboscis, the spokesperson indicated that this is a new trend amongst Telesio Galilei members being introduced by Fucilla that he refers to as "muzzling the chocolate cake." I don't know about you all, but I can't wait to try that!
Well written and well deserved!
