Dear @Emerald Rob,
I have you in my thoughts and prayers, big hugs we are with you.
I have you in my thoughts and prayers, big hugs we are with you.
How are you feeling?
- Thread starter Joe
- Start date
Odin
Jedi
Thank you @Natus Videre, I can relate to this almost 100%.After a couple days, once I recharge and recover from this 'self-attack', I am determined to 'never let this happen again'. I am enveloped by hopeful thoughts and I address my lingering problems, and laugh at how easy it was to solve them. This gives me happiness, in fact, so much happiness that I start dissociating once again. Why? Well, the bad habits that were formed and reinforced by my "flight" response are still there! The program is still running in the background!
And so this is how the vicious cycle is closed and perpetuated.
After observing my programming I boil it down to my fear of not being "liked". It is embarrassing to admit but I think this is at the core of most of my problems with not facing reality or being true to my own nature. I fear the consequences of being myself (not that I know what that is exactly) and it is a hinder. That is to say that I do not communicate exactly what I want from different relationships, professional or personal but it has gotten better I must say.
"Be true to your own nature, and fear nothing" as Caesar said is a strong saying and I read it from time to time. But how does one know one's nature? I guess it is a work in progress like most important things. Separating what is true in oneself and not the predator's mind can be hard.
EmeraldR
Dagobah Resident
error please discount this particular reply -- I couldnt find a way of removing it !!
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EmeraldR
Dagobah Resident
Yes! really echo that, and thanks for sharing that info Natus Videre
great networking
Thanks for sharing this, it resonates with me in many ways. I don't know if I will use that same technique though. I think what suits me well is positive dissociation such as creative things like writing texts or creating some kind of meditative exercise or postural improvement at an elementary level at the moment.
You've put into words what I've been trying to grasp at in myself. Dissociation via day dreaming has been with me since early childhood and its been so hard to catch. You've given me something concrete to work towards so thank you for sharing!
Evan
The Living Force
@Emerald Rob Suffering from cirrhosis myself, I’m all too familiar with the worries associated with portal hypertension and varices. I’m glad you’re doing better! That can be incredibly frightening.
I actually came here to post a personal feeling resulting from the Perlou situation. I didn’t want to put it in that thread because I didn’t want to make it about me. I thought here would be more appropriate. So…
Honestly, seeing everyone work together to tackle this (Perlou) issue makes me feel safe. I know my flaws are many, and I’m easily triggered, all going back to being mercilessly bullied and cast out by my peers and kids in my neighborhood for my entire childhood. I’ve used that as a crutch for most of my adult life, in fact I catch myself going down that road when things get difficult to this day. That said, I know that here on this forum, among this group, I will not be permitted to attempt those tired excuses. I will be called on my bullshit every time, and it will come from a place of love. I will be forced to deal with my crap by people whose interests lie in bettering me for the benefit of all. All my adult life it’s been my way or the highway. Being the lead singer/songwriter/lead guitarist in my band for 28 years meant I could basically do as I pleased. But here I’m only as good as my own progress, and I’m surrounded by people who are so much farther along than I could ever hope to be, and whom I respect so very much, I have no choice but to yield to people who know better than I ever could. I know that I’m a naked baby soul with everything to learn and everything to lose. But I feel safe and surrounded with love. I am truly grateful for this wonderful place and all of you who are here working together to build and maintain this lighthouse and the one dear Pierre is keeping on the other side.
I actually came here to post a personal feeling resulting from the Perlou situation. I didn’t want to put it in that thread because I didn’t want to make it about me. I thought here would be more appropriate. So…
Honestly, seeing everyone work together to tackle this (Perlou) issue makes me feel safe. I know my flaws are many, and I’m easily triggered, all going back to being mercilessly bullied and cast out by my peers and kids in my neighborhood for my entire childhood. I’ve used that as a crutch for most of my adult life, in fact I catch myself going down that road when things get difficult to this day. That said, I know that here on this forum, among this group, I will not be permitted to attempt those tired excuses. I will be called on my bullshit every time, and it will come from a place of love. I will be forced to deal with my crap by people whose interests lie in bettering me for the benefit of all. All my adult life it’s been my way or the highway. Being the lead singer/songwriter/lead guitarist in my band for 28 years meant I could basically do as I pleased. But here I’m only as good as my own progress, and I’m surrounded by people who are so much farther along than I could ever hope to be, and whom I respect so very much, I have no choice but to yield to people who know better than I ever could. I know that I’m a naked baby soul with everything to learn and everything to lose. But I feel safe and surrounded with love. I am truly grateful for this wonderful place and all of you who are here working together to build and maintain this lighthouse and the one dear Pierre is keeping on the other side.
You are not the only one. I am going to repost something I posted not so long ago elsewhere when dealing with my own issues in hope it will be helpful:
Indeed, while it is good to be aware of past wounds and attempt to heal them, as we mature and grow older the time comes to “cut the losses” and recapitulate on all the lessons.
I think the key word is authenticity 100% and all the time - i.e. seeing yourself with all the flaws. Then your flaws become strengths.
Hope this makes sense.
I would like to share a way of dissipating anger using the concept of timelines. Of course, the source of the anger needs to be addressed separately—this is just a method to internally de-escalate the tension once it overwhelms you.
One day, you are driving home from work. You aren't in a good mood because you had a quarrel with a colleague over a mundane thing. Suddenly, a driver violently cuts you off and intentionally brakes repeatedly in front of you. You barely avoid colliding with his vehicle by braking as hard as you can. You are filled with anger, you have a strong urge to smash his skull on the pavement.
So what do you do?
Well, you imagine a timeline where you discharge all your anger toward that individual. You play out the scenario in your mind, and you observe the consequences. For example, you get out of your car, walk to his window, smash the window, and get him out of his car. You hit him until he falls on the ground, unconscious, with blood all over his face. Then, you hear sirens. An ambulance arrives, and then the police comes. You realize that you've murdered him. You are placed in custody.
And then you ask yourself: what have I done?
You are relieved, because nothing of this has really happened. You are no longer as angry as a minute ago. You can now handle the situation with a clear head.
Again, the idea is to create a controlled environment where your predator mind, your ego can unleash itself and show you its true colors. Over time, this will allow you to distinguish your false self from your true self. Self-observation is a great way to regain self-control. Gathering facts about yourself is just as important as gathering facts about the world.
One day, you are driving home from work. You aren't in a good mood because you had a quarrel with a colleague over a mundane thing. Suddenly, a driver violently cuts you off and intentionally brakes repeatedly in front of you. You barely avoid colliding with his vehicle by braking as hard as you can. You are filled with anger, you have a strong urge to smash his skull on the pavement.
So what do you do?
Well, you imagine a timeline where you discharge all your anger toward that individual. You play out the scenario in your mind, and you observe the consequences. For example, you get out of your car, walk to his window, smash the window, and get him out of his car. You hit him until he falls on the ground, unconscious, with blood all over his face. Then, you hear sirens. An ambulance arrives, and then the police comes. You realize that you've murdered him. You are placed in custody.
And then you ask yourself: what have I done?
You are relieved, because nothing of this has really happened. You are no longer as angry as a minute ago. You can now handle the situation with a clear head.
Again, the idea is to create a controlled environment where your predator mind, your ego can unleash itself and show you its true colors. Over time, this will allow you to distinguish your false self from your true self. Self-observation is a great way to regain self-control. Gathering facts about yourself is just as important as gathering facts about the world.
One potential problem I can see with this approach is that it could represent another form of buffer, or self calming. It's better than acting on the anger, clearly, or remaining identified with that state. But is it the most efficient use of that emotional energy? Isn't it hard enough to experience the anger, not to become identified with that state and therefore liberate the energy for better use? Might you lose some of that in becoming identified with an imaginary scenario? I don't know, just some thoughts I had about it.
Wandering Star
The Living Force
So people don't do that?
No wonder I've always felt like a weird guy.
Jokes aside, an excellent example you have given.
I guess it's a way to temporarily intellectualize the situation while the emotional center is too 'shaky' to be trusted. It's a form of damage control, as opposed to a long-term strategy. For me, it was faster and easier to imagine multiple timelines/scenarios and evaluate the consequences than to take a few deep breaths.
Some of my anger bursts were so sudden that I had to find a way to trigger the 'moral layer' as quickly as possible to defuse the anger. And so when I would imagine the 'devastation,' it would bring an immediate halt to destructive urges.
