How are you feeling?

I can’t find that meme anywhere but it goes something like “ when the world is ending but you still got to go to work on Monday “

That’s how I feel in a nutshell, it’s like I’m stuck in the matrix. Wash, rinse and repeat. However I do realize it’s probably a million times better than the alternatives (war, natural disasters, etc.)
This reminds me of a sentence von Gurdijeff: "Man is a machine, and once he has realised that, he stops to be one."
 
Lately I’m struggling with the feeling of life just completely sucking (more than it used to). It comes and goes but when it comes it’s almost debilitating and it takes a whole lot of self counselling just to pull myself through the emotions, usually help myself a bit by putting on my runners and going for a walk up one of the steep hills around here, or if I can, distracting myself with browsing YouTube and watching either feel good videos of animals being saved or whatever or ones where people lives suck more than I perceive mine to.

I’ve got some factors contributing to the depressive states but I also have enough (just enough) awareness to be able to guide myself through and not burden anyone around me too much with what I’m experiencing because I know that it’s fleeting and within a day or two it will pass, then return in a week for another torment.

A few weeks ago it was so bad that I decided I needed a break from the area and we went for a trip to the coast last weekend. It was so very good to get away, but reality is here where I live and I can’t escape it. I have spent most of my life thinking ‘what’s the point’ and I still haven’t figured it out, but I get an overwhelming sense that by feeling these depressions and futility i am, in a big way, rejecting creation and the universe itself, which causes more depression because that is a direct reflection on me, I am rejecting myself :shock:.
And, my self care is abysmal lately, I just don’t feel like there’s any time for me after I’ve cared for others, I’m usually too exhausted to care. I think the most concerning part is that I don’t really care about myself and can’t muster up the will to do much about it. I’m not even waiting for anything to happen, I’m just existing…. enjoying the show?? No, not really, I used to, but now I just feel ‘meh’ if I’m not feeling depressed and hopeless.

So the biggest driving factor I think is sleep problems. I am getting better sleep now that my 15 month old only wakes twice a night but I think it’s really done some damage. I’m foggy and my memory is terrible, I write things down and set alarms otherwise I’ll just forget as if I never knew it in the first place. There’s a book called Post-Natal Depletion which talks about how it can take some women 10 years to recovery from pregnancy and breast feeding, so I’m trying to be patient with the feelings I have, lots of good food and supplements.

Thanks for giving me the space to gripe. I hope everyone is feeling okay.
I was listening to this audiobook (The Immune Mind ) and he said something that made me think of what you write sometimes about how you are feeling - it was a new word to me, anhedonia i.e. the inability to feel pleasure or joy (whatever you want to call it)

In any case, I'd recommend you read the book (immune mind) if the state is still persisting. More importantly, I'd recommend you assess your physical condition and come to an honest conclusion. It might be that the psychological perceptions you are having are a symptom rooted to something physical. I'm no doctor or anything like that so all I can recommend is you read the book and see whether anything he says can help you. 🙏
 
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