astrozombie said:
Raised a Catholic, I was conditioned to have homophobia.
As a young teen, I participated with a large group of "friends" that began a systematic campaign of harassing a gay male in our school.
I am devastated to say that he eventually committed suicide after a few year of this torment.
People, this type of guilt can become unbearable for those of us who have a soul, unlike OPs.
I still wonder what amazing things this young man could have contributed to the world.
I have since become an outspoken person on such bullying tactics but the damage for me has already been done.
Thank you, astrozombie, it can't have been easy to share this. We all have a 'past' and some skeletons in our closets - I know I do. I am gay, and when I read your post I felt a mixture of anger, sadness, shock and grief. It reminded me of my teenage years at an all-boys school, where I was perpetually in fear of this very thing happening to me. I sternly controlled any expression of effeminate body language - there may have been none, and looking back I don't think there was - or mention of boys I liked. I was terrified of giving myself away and that fear made me see things where really there was nothing to see.
All of this resulted in a very lonely time at school - there really was no friend to turn to. My best friend was straight and the one or two slight hints I dropped to him were met with rejection. There were other things going on at that time which I posted about
here.
We live in a pathological world where everyone is pitted against everyone else by the psychopaths who rule. It's the old 'divide and conquer' schtick. 'Do unto others before they do unto you' seems to be their motto. As children and young people, we lack the necessary adult role models to guide us in the development of conscience. You could only have done what you did if your conscience was asleep.
I have to admit that my first reaction to your post was to think that you should be lambasted and ostracized - in a word punished, and severely so. But that was my emotional reaction driving my thinking into black and white. I think that your remorse and confession are really a positive step in the direction of atonement and growth. I agree with neema:
neema said:
And if you are truly feeling guilt, don't try to alleviate it. Let it light the fire within to help you help others. In my opinion if you can help one person through your actions then your actions can begin to atone for your mistakes.
I know it is rather difficult but you must also be a little more compassionate with yourself. Give yourself a break in understanding that you were raised by a very fear based ideology.
Just consider that the guilt and pain might be with you till the rest of your life, but IMO that can be a great thing. Use it to develop a healthy fear of what “your machine” is capable of.
If you can learn to use the guilt you feel as fuel for the fire of the Work,
that is atonement.
You cannot change the past, but by healing the present and thus preparing for the future, it is said that we can change the past - perhaps only in how the past impacts our present - but isn't that something worth striving for? Utilising the long shadow of the past for a positive outcome?
Have you read The Wave Volume 8 - Debugging the Universe? Laura presents the idea that our negative programming is a 'bug' in the 'universal program' - like a bug in a computer program. Certain 'local consciousness units' are created which have the capacity to 'debug' themselves and thereby the universe. That means, they have the potential to clean themselves of these negative programs and thought loops, to awaken conscience, grow in knowledge, and thereby heal themselves and help to heal (debug) the universe. For it is a certainty that in our little corner of the universe, things ain't pretty. You have direct experience of that. When you hounded that boy, your conscience was set to 'off' and that made you a 'bug' in the 'universal program'. But now you have an opportunity of a completely different nature.
So, with all that said, please don't wallow in guilt. Use it for growth and 'debugging'. Try to avoid becoming self-important about your suffering.
astrozombie said:
I have since become an outspoken person on such bullying tactics [ . . . ]
To my mind, this is the beginning of atonement. It is atonement in the outer world. However I think that real atonement is as neema describes above - using your guilt as fire to fuel the Work. It's not easy, and it demands sacrifices of all sorts, but you're in the right place to Work, and you have the support of the forum.