Laura said:Well, that's a pretty dark view of things and I can sure understand it; been there, done that. What keeps me going is the thought of how sad it would be for the universe to come to an end without "one good man"... so, I will be that person as far as I am able.
The point of reaching that decision in the Wave always stood out to me, so for those that may not remember or are going through a similar 'stripping to the bone' I think it's worth revisiting.
The Wave Chapter 46: The Theological Reality
[..]And that is what happened during that period from the dream of the Kiss in March, to the moment when I realized that everything I had ever believed in was a lie, and I was being asked by the universe if I was willing to pay everything. And pay I did; in advance. During the period following my separation, as my energy was no longer being drained daily, the manifestation in the body was the evidence of the price I was paying. Everything in my physical system cried out against this view of the world of human affairs, the view of predators and prey, and I wept tears of blood and pus from my eyes to the point that I nearly lost my sight altogether.
There, at that moment, in the middle of my life, mother to five children for whom I had given most of my life, I saw that not only had I been lying to myself by believing lies and deception, but that I had conveyed those same lies to the people I loved the most – my children.
What do you do when you realize that most of your life you have given away your free will and, at the same time, have taken away the free will of those dearest to you? More horrible still, what do you do when you realize it has all been done in the name of love?!
When the last illusion was stripped away and I was left with nothing but the skeleton of my being, I reached what Kafka describes as “Von einem gewissen Punkt an gibt es keine Rückkehr mehr. Dieser Punkt ist zu erreichen.” “There is a point of no return. This point has to be reached.”
When you have been stripped of all your illusions, when you have nothing left to believe in, there is no one there at all but yourself. It felt rather like falling endlessly in icy, black, meaningless space. No rhyme nor reason, no truth or beauty, no anything that I had ever believed in could be seen anywhere. I had peeled away the layers of all the warm, fuzzy, comforting beliefs and found that it was all a lie, a deception, a mask for feeding and manipulation.
By believing the lies, I had participated in the feeding and manipulating to so great a degree that my grief and regret became an ocean in which I was drowning. No wonder we resist giving up our beliefs! Without them, we have to face the truth about ourselves! And, as much as we think we are loving, caring, giving beings, when we see the truth, when we see that most of our ideas about loving and caring and being have been manipulated to deprive us of our free will and to pass the infection on to those we love the most, it is like looking into the pit of Hell.
And when you look into the pit of Hell and realize that you have been feeding that black and bloody, sucking and gaping and gore filled maw waiting to swallow you, and that you have taught those you love to feed it as well, the horror of the realization is enough to drive you mad with grief and despair.
You search for a meaning, some little point of illumination, and there is no light anywhere, not even a single candle to dispel the darkness.
[..]
But, while falling in this dark, empty space, something begins to form inside you. In the beginning it is very small, but it catches your attention and, since it is the only thing that is different in the sucking, feeding darkness, you become riveted on it. You cannot be sure exactly what it is at first, but your attention gives it energy and it begins to grow inside you.
What you have found is your will – the spiritual essence of who you are – and once you have found your will you see “the choice.” Choice is a function of will. Where Will exists, Choice comes into being. You can choose. What you see is that you can choose the orientation of your soul. You cannot change the reality, but you can choose what you will personally do within it.
The way the thought came to me was, “Well, okay, I don’t see any light or love or truth or beauty anywhere; and the universe may just blink out one day without it ever having really existed. But that would be a tragedy.”
Desolation overwhelmed me and I felt so great a pity and love for what might have been – for what radiant and sublime dreams may be in the Mind of God that might never be fulfilled, because the deceptions are so deep, and the reality is so monstrous – who can really see it, and survive?
And I became aware of the feather-like weight of my inclination, my True Will to Be. It was not more than an inclination, a propensity, a preference. But as I noted it and focused on it, it became firmer and purposeful.
And I realized, “I am just one single, solitary, lone being in the darkness, and there really and truly might never, ever, be anyone or anything in existence of real love, truth and beauty.” And the sadness and despair vaulted from my soul into darkness that enveloped me. But nothing answered except that my attention was drawn back, again, to this small thing that was growing inside me which had now begun to glow and give off warmth in that soul-chilling blackness. Somehow my thoughts were making it grow. My thoughts were aligning me with it.
Resolution and steadfastness began to blossom. And then I realized that it was connected to some greater source of Light and by my penitential love and compassion for the Dream of Love and Truth, the light was increasing. And I understood that the darkness, the predatory nature of our reality, was also God!
Disasters, misfortunes, tragedies, ruin, destruction, adversity, suffering, pain, anguish in all the varied manifestations we find them in our world are expressions of the idea of nonexistence. I understood that the idea of nonexistence exists only as an idea, and only because, in a realm of all potentials, even the potential of nonexistence exists as non-being. In the two fundamental ideas of Being and Non-being, all creation is manifested. In the act of Creation, the outrush of creative energy, half of the Consciousness of God formed itself into a reflection of this idea of Non-being as part of the Grand Experience. And this reflection of Non-being is matter – it is only the half of the Consciousness of God gone to sleep to become the clay from which the material cosmos is formed.
I also understood that, in that eternal instant of falling asleep, of compression, there was a sensation of loss in this half of God that became matter, and that this sensation is expressed as a recoil, a contraction upon itself. It is this recoil and contraction in flux interaction with outraying creative consciousness that establishes the tension of polarization that is the dynamic by which the cosmos is manifested. And, in third-density terms, this recoil or contraction is the essence of service-to-self – the Predator – those who choose this mode ultimately recycle into sleeping matter.
The creative-consciousness half of God uses the matter that is formed by the recoil/contraction of the other half of God to take on form, to engage in exploration of all the ideas in the mind of God. This results in an increase of its relative energy. This using of matter to increase energy is felt by the sleeping consciousness/matter as fear of loss of self. To assuage the fear, the matter-oriented consciousness must circumscribe, limit, and restrain. It must believe that the grand constructions of illusion are not only real, but all that exists. Physicality becomes the standard, the measure, the object of veneration. The Physical Universe is, in effect, God. This is the essential dynamic of all physical or partly physical realities, including the hyperdimensional fourth-density STS reality.
The moment of true initiation. It seems that, as the great masters teach us, it is not a moment of great enlightenment. It is not someone who comes to show us reality. It is not a seeing all the world as a oneness. It is seeing the self as a liar and a feeder on others. It is measuring the self with truth. It is seeing that the Predator has been feeding on the self, that the self has been feeding on others and propagating the infection on to all those whom one claims to love and wishes to help. Initiation is not a glorious in-pouring of life and love and tears for the beauty and oneness of the world.
It is sheer terror.
It is a descent into Hell. It is the Shamanic descent into the underworld to do battle with demons. It is the dismemberment of the body, the flaying of the flesh from the bones, and the subsequent rebuilding of the self on a different foundation – a foundation of spiritual verity.
And if I could convey to you that Hell, that sensation, that solitary test in which the soul is weighed, by the self, finally and completely and seen for what it has truly done, you would see how little truth there is because of all the beliefs of the Matrix that have been inculcated and promulgated and tended so carefully by our emotions and by the deceptions of the predator within who convinces us that we are “good” and “pure” and there is “oneness.”
Indeed, one sees that there is “oneness,” but one sees that the aspect of God that is experienced at this level is the black, sucking, feeding maw of STS. One sees how little true Love is actually manifested at this level of being. One sees that all of our illusions about goodness and truth and beauty are lies. They are masks for more feeding.
And that is so horrifying an initiation that few survive.
That is “paying everything.”
