This section deals with my growing awareness of the Matrix that conceals the theological reality and how difficult it is to break free of the illusion that our reality is as it presents itself to be. Though I didn’t realize it as I went through it, all of the events of this period were simply the results of forces that activate to terrify the awakening individual, to convince them to go back to sleep, or if that is not possible, to wear them out, destroy their health, or otherwise make it impossible to awaken.
The important thing for the reader to remember as they go through this recapitulation of events, relations, and my thoughts regarding same, is that there was no Cassiopaea site for me to read, there was no Wave Series for me to read, and there was no real concept of the Matrix, as such, available to me by which I could evaluate my experiences. I was in uncharted territory, slashing through the jungle, and hardly able to fully grasp the nature of the beast, much less articulate it.
It is so easy, looking back, to say, “Oh, well, you should have seen that Frank was this or that,” or that “you should have known it was going to turn out that way,” or “why did you continue in the relationship so long?” and so on.
If we keep in mind the programs of family, religion and society, which are more or less the same for everyone with only slight variations, we realize that it is not so easy to go against the programs of “give the benefit of the doubt,” “turn the other cheek,” “forgive and forget,” “kiss and make-up,” “make it nice,” “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all,” and so forth. We are taught by our culture, via various psychological theories, to “compromise and work it out,” or to deal with our own issues so that what other people do won’t have any power over us. We are taught to heal our wounded inner child, or blame everything on our parents. We can learn to reframe our experiences and achieve rapport with anyone in three days of neuro-linguistic programming, or, as a last resort, we can solve the problem with a little Prozac or something similar.
The fact is that, even though the Cs were telling me about these theological dynamics, that didn’t necessarily mean that I was buying it. Just because the Cs said it, didn’t mean I believed it. And that still applies. Sure, there are many things the Cs have said that we have experimented with – “try before you buy” – and have observed results that indicate that they are presenting a view of our reality that is objectively testable. There are many other things that we have researched based on the clues the Cs have given us and have discovered again and again, “Damned if they aren’t right!” And very often, these have been things about which we were most skeptical.
But that doesn’t mean that everything is true, for sure, nor that we will buy anything that we haven’t checked out thoroughly.
Even though I was being given a higher-density view of human relations and dynamics as the medium through which higher-density forces engage and do battle – the Matrix Control System – I was still in it, and still controlled by it to a great extent. In this sense, the Cs were very wise in not telling me anything directly as to what I ought or ought not to do in terms of my choices and actions. They were, indeed, giving me a new perspective about higher-density affairs, giving clues about our own level of reality so that I could research these matters and determine the interaction between the two, but if they had just told me the answers or told me what to do, they would have violated my “Free Will Learning Directive.” That is to say, it seems that all of existence is for the purpose of gaining knowledge. Hopefully, the reader has read P. D. Ouspensky’s Tertium Organum, and is familiar with his writings on this subject. The point is that if we are here in this reality to learn, it doesn’t do us any good for somebody else to do our homework for us. We can’t learn to ride a bicycle by watching somebody else do it, or by reading a book about it. Indeed, we will have clues, and some idea of what we ought to do, but we cannot master it unless we get up and try it. And very often, we may think it looks easier than it is, and we discover on our first try that falling down and scraping our knees is what teaches us how not to fall down!
So it was that, in the places where discussions of the matters of the theological reality were taking place as recorded in the transcripts, that didn’t mean that I was ready to get on the bicycle just yet. Even if S** or PZ or any other given person was identified as being an agent or in a close relation with purported STS forces, didn’t mean I was going to jump up in their faces and shout, “Lizzie Lover!” or “Gray Hugger!” and ditch them as a friend or associate!
However, after the “kiss”, I woke up.
My perceptions had certainly changed, but I was not really able to say how or why. All kinds of thoughts and realizations about reality were shaping themselves in my mind, but as usual, I was keeping it to myself to observe and ponder it before I attempted to explain it to anyone. The first concrete manifestation of this awakening was right after we returned from the conference and I drove to the high school to pick up my daughter as I did every day. I was sitting there in the parking lot watching all the kids pouring out of the different doors of the building onto the school yard. There were kids who were racing to their cars or to their buses, and there were many others who were milling about, congregating in their little groups and cliques. I couldn’t hear anything anyone was saying since I was observing from a distance, but I could most definitely see certain dynamics – something like a pecking order – playing out before my eyes.
Each group consisted of about seven or eight people – maybe as many as ten. In each group there was a dominant person who was the focal point of the gathering. Watching the eye contact, the touching, the fawning behavior of the “low man” in the group, was a fascinating study. And as I watched, I noticed something else: the dominant person actually seemed to swell and grow while the submissive persons gathered around him literally seemed to shrink. Of course, this was a trick of posture and the way they were all holding their bodies, but it was definitely clear that there was a form of feeding taking place. And when the submissive persons ran out of “juice,” they were dismissed to the outer fringes of the circle and a new submissive moved in to take their place. The eye contact and touching went through the same series of gestures, and the dominant person stood taller and taller, and his or her eyes opened wider and glowed brighter, while the submissives were diminished one by one, shoulders slumped, and they often crept away.
I found myself actually holding my breath as I watched this amazing display. Of course I thought of Jane Goodall and her years of observation of chimpanzees, and I knew I wasn’t thinking anything terribly original here. The big difference was that I was seeing it not just in terms of psychological dynamics, but an actual energy transfer – the theological reality. It was this theological reality that had suddenly been opened to my perception as though I had withdrawn into space and was viewing it from a distance.
As human beings, it seems that an essential part of our nature is to feel that there is more to life than the immediately apparent material world. This is the aspect of our make-up that is played upon by religions and philosophies. The different explanations for what is “more” than the material world are what divides us into groups, and separates us one from another. Most of these religions and philosophies tell us how special we are and promise great things if we will believe this or that teaching, follow this or that teacher, or perform a certain set of “salvific” activities. What is most apparent when we examine such teachings is the fact that we don’t like to think that our lives are a game of chance played by the gods. Yet, at this moment, after all of the study and experiences of my life, most especially in light of the explanations offered by the Cs on the many and almost endless occasions when the standard teachings collapsed in the face of the hard evidence, I realized with startling clarity that heartless randomness of the world is at odds with the religious views of a loving, caring God. It was as though suddenly, my perspective was no longer that of a human being, immersed in the reality, unable to see the forest for the trees.
All around us in the natural world there are wonders and horrors. On almost every corner of the planet, from the highest mountains to the lowest valleys, from the hottest to the coldest climates, above the oceans and within them, there are populations of interdependent plants and animals. Most of the time this term interdependence really means that they “eat” one another.
I thought about the garden behind my house. There are birds and lizards, insects and plants of all sorts. The lizards eat many insects and they are, in turn, eaten by the birds or the cat, who also eats the birds if she gets a chance. There are roses – beautiful but deadly – which grow in soil composed partly of plant detritus – dead plant matter – converted by earthworms into usable nutrients. There are also grubs and mole crickets that seem to do nothing but destroy what I work so hard to produce and maintain. In the evenings, the bats and mosquitoes both come out in force, the former preying on the latter (thankfully), and the night blooming jasmine opens to feed a particular species of night moth that delights in its nectar.
There is spring, when I spend eight hours a day getting the garden in shape; there is summer, when I relax and watch my efforts grow and blossom; there is fall when I pull up the dead annuals and prune the overgrowth; and there is winter when everything rests and builds strength to burst forth the following spring, to initiate a new cycle; cycles within cycles; birth, growth, maturity, reproduction, decline and death; to everything there is a season.
Now, imagine that you are observing the earth with a high-powered telescope from a point out in space. This telescope gives you detailed close-ups of any point on the planet, but you cannot hear anything. You can only see. Forget everything you think you know about the principles of biological life or psychology. Forget that you think you know anything about what living things are or how they are supposed to behave. Now, what do you see?
The first thing you notice is that the surface of the planet is teeming with activity. This includes areas under the soil and deep within the ocean. The activity on the surface of the planet consists of an immense number of different shapes and sizes of living things going about in circles eating each other!
Further, you notice that there is a whole class of these living things that are, essentially, immobile; incapable of escaping being eaten. In fact, they don’t seem to object being eaten at all. Maybe if they could run away, they would, but they can’t, so it may only seem that they don’t object. But, the fact of the matter is that these immobile beings (call them plants) use this fact of being eaten to their advantage. By being eaten, they are often able to propagate themselves in far distant places that they would otherwise be unable to populate on their own.
However, all the other living things clearly resent being eaten. They very often make strenuous efforts to not be eaten.
I began to see a certain pattern emerging: the variations of biological systems have to do with whether or not, under specific and ever-changing conditions, one variety of creatures can survive the competition in the terrifying planetary game of life and death. It was clear that danger is omnipresent and only the most vigorous and adaptable survive.
I also saw that there was a sort of balance. Many of the creatures that are most often considered prey are equipped with elaborate sensing organs that help them to stay out of harm’s way. Many of the creatures that are the predators have horrifyingly efficient organs of destruction such as teeth and claws. If predators became too numerous, they quickly devoured all but the cleverest of prey, and then turned on each other. In this way, both populations were culled. What I also was seeing was that populations that existed in herds, where there was sharing and protection of weaker members by stronger ones, had a far better chance of survival in the presence of voracious predation.
I realized with absolute horror that this was exactly the case with human beings, though it occurred at a different level – humans were an interface between the strictly material and ethereal realms, and it was through them that the energies of prey and predator manifested at the theological level. From the strictly human perspective, such a realization was monstrous. The psychological and spiritual environment in which we live is the infrastructure of the theological reality which is accurately represented in the wild world in which animals live out similar dramas. “As above, so below,” the ancient teachings have repeated for millennia, and I realized that this was part of what they intended to convey. When they tell us that the Great Secret can be learned from Nature, they weren’t kidding!
On the one hand, I was seeing a terrible vista that shattered my illusions of “God in his heaven, and all is right with the world.” On the other hand, I could see that it wasn’t just mindless cruelty; that it was purposeful activity from another level of being.
My daughter arrived and I told her what I was observing – that the cliques were similar to Jane Goodall’s chimpanzees – and she, of course, dryly remarked, “Gee! How long did it take you to figure that out?!” The only thing was, she was thinking about it only in psychological terms and not in terms of literal life-force energy transfer.
Because of the many things the Cs had said, my mind immediately made associations. I also recalled a passage from James Redfield’s book The Celestine Prophecy.
My field is conflict, looking at why humans treat each other so violently. We’ve always known that this violence comes from the urge humans feel to control and dominate one another, but only recently have we studied this phenomenon from the inside, from the point of view of the individual’s consciousness. We have asked what happens inside a human being that makes him want to control someone else. We have found that when an individual walks up to another person and engages in a conversation, which happens billions of times each day in the world, one of two things can happen. That individual can come away feeling strong or feeling weak, depending on what occurs in the interaction.
For this reason, we humans always seem to take a manipulative posture. No matter what the particulars of the situation, or the subject matter, we prepare ourselves to say whatever we must in order to prevail in the conversation. Each of us seeks to find some way to control and thus to remain on top in the encounter. If we are successful, if our viewpoint prevails, then rather than feel weak, we receive a psychological boost. In other words we humans seek to outwit and control each other not just because of some tangible goal in the outside world that we’re trying to achieve, but because of a lift we get psychologically. (Redfield 1993, 71–72)
He then describes an unpleasant encounter between a man and woman and their daughter where the parents are pointed out as dominating the girl, and she lashes out violently in order to gain some control for herself. It is then suggested that when she grows up, she will think that she has to seize control and dominate others with the same intensity. “This same trauma no doubt happened to her parents before her. They have to dominate now because of the way their parents dominated them. That’s the means through which psychological violence is passed down from one generation to another.”
The only difference in that view and what I was seeing was that I was realizing that it was deeper than that – at the apex of the pyramid of predators, somebody was getting all the energy being passed along through something akin to etheric psychological filaments. It suddenly made sense that the Control System had been set up millennia ago, social and religious programs instituted, to produce this psychological trauma that extended over thousands of generations, in order for somebody, or some thing, to benefit; there was an “ultimate dominator” of the global clique. And guess what? Human beings were not at the top of the food chain!
As simple as this insight may seem to the reader, having access to all of the other information that has become available about these matters over the past few years, it was a stunning revelation to me.
I then began to think about S** and the “Vital information” that could be conveyed to me. The first thing I realized was that human beings at a certain point in their development reach a crossroad where they can choose which dynamic they will develop in spiritual terms: predator or prey, and it had nothing to do with material considerations. In fact, I wasn’t even sure if it was a choice and not just simply the inherent nature of an individual.
I could see that S** was, indeed, as the Cs had described her: a simple, giving soul. But in her dynamic interaction with her mother she was literally acting out the role of prey to her mother’s role of predator. As her mother grew older and less able to hunt on her own, she manipulated S** to engage in interactions whereby she became a sort of lure to induce other prey into her mother’s range of operation so that the feeding could continue. In a sense, it was very much like a weakened member of a herd that keeps wandering away into the realm of the predator, and when others would go after her to save her, they become prey as well; they leave the protection of the herd, or the network. In this sense, some individuals become a sort of predator by proxy – a lure to destruction; a decoy. On the other hand, I wasn’t too sure if that was exactly accurate either. Perhaps there were predators who stalked their prey in long, slow, silent exercises in patience and concealment?
I could instantly see that nearly all of humanity was in a terrible predicament by being unaware of this infrastructure of theological prey and predation. In the animal kingdom, who was who and what was what in terms of predators and prey was pretty easy to see because they look different and their behaviors are out in plain view. But in the human dynamic, it is masked from us. And it seemed to be masked for a reason: the masking is utilized to separate the herd, to divide and conquer.
Of course, that such a condition could be possible seemed to have no explanation in positivist terms until I thought about the culling factor, and the idea that spiritual vigor might be the objective. Using the animal kingdom as a template, it seemed obvious that those creatures that most correctly assessed and responded to their environment had the best chance of survival and reproduction. Those members of herds that remained in the symbiotic networked environment had strength and safety and numbers on their side. Those that strayed from the herd, those that exposed themselves to danger, were eaten. It was that simple.
It was at this moment that I saw myself as a cog in a vast global mechanism – a feeding machine – and I was nothing more than food. It literally made me sick to see it. What was more: I needed to understand where all this energy was really going. Who was getting it? Who was at the top of the food chain?
A day or so later, my husband came in and initiated another of the endless series of diatribes he habitually generated which always started with him picking at one of the children. I would defend the child, trying to reasonably explain to him that each of them was different, that they had a right to their own opinions, likes and dislikes, and that they were not little clones of him who existed just to reflect what he believed, or to do what he wanted. The other children would join in and try to support my reasonable remarks with examples of their own. They all loved their father and all of us knew that he had a “problem” because of his religious fundamentalism. He was bigoted and judgmental, harsh and even cruel in his judgments, and if the children did not immediately agree with him, they became outcast also, damned and doomed to perdition unless they quickly changed their ways and views – to his ways and views, of course.
As usually happened, the discussion ended up with him becoming more and more antagonistic and harsh and saying many mean things to all of us, couched in Christian theology that was for our own good, of course. As the dynamic progressed, and I tried harder and harder to soothe and make nice, trying to mediate and sustain his parental authority, even though I knew he was completely wrong, and protect the children from this psychological destruction, I saw with horror that what was really happening was that he was feeding on all of us!
I instantly stopped trying to reason with him at all, told him that he was entitled to his beliefs, and I was entitled to mine, the children were entitled to theirs, and I wasn’t going to discuss it at all with him anymore. He left in a huff with some parting shots directed at all of us that I can’t even remember.
The children were upset, I was upset, and I sat there pondering what I had just seen. As I did, one of my daughters came in to hug me and tell me that she was sorry that I had to go through such things over and over again. Then she said something that nearly knocked me over: “I don’t know how you have lived with it for so long; he’s just not like us. He’s like a cat in a house full of dogs.”
Out of the mouths of babes.
Actually, he was like a cat in an aviary of birds, but she made her point. He wasn’t “like us.” At that moment, I realized that I had to do something. The Universe had been giving me clues for years, and I had been ignoring them, stubbornly clinging to my self-sacrificing, make-everything-nice, shove-it-under-the-rug, let’s-work-it-out view of things. I had read all the pop-psychology books; I had tried all the guaranteed methods of self-help, taking the brunt of the burden of making things work on myself; I had expended untold amounts of energy in trying to compromise, to work it out, to support and sustain this man and to simultaneously protect the children and myself from his clear predation. I had done all of this for years in the firm belief that all could be made right, all could be healed, all could be worked out with sufficient devotion and giving.
But now, suddenly, I was seeing it all in a completely different way. He was a predator, and we were prey. We, the children and myself, were his sources of energy. Where his energy was being drained to, I didn’t know, but I had a pretty good idea.
What is important for the reader to understand is that I didn’t blame him for being “bad” or for being “wrong,” or for anything at all like that. I simply realized that he was not like us in terms of the theological reality, and therefore, something had to be done. It was one thing for me to be aware and willing to sacrifice myself to this energy feeding dynamic. It was something else altogether for me to pass it to my children by example and to oblige them to live in it. A mother’s primary role is as advocate and protectress of her children. And in this case, I saw that the one my children needed to be protected from was their own father.
The toughest part is the fact that I also knew that I had to do something for my husband as well. Cats that feed on pigeons have as much right to be and exist as the pigeons do. They are not bad because they are cats and because they eat pigeons if given the chance. What was even more difficult was the knowledge that even if I explained to him what I was perceiving, he wouldn’t get it; he wouldn’t believe it; he wouldn’t agree. He would insist to his dying day that his mode of being – his “catness” – was right.
In the end, I knew that I had to bear the burden of doing what was right for him – strange as it may seem – because he was neither able nor willing to see it or understand it. I remember thinking that the only way I was going to be able to get through it was to take all the blame, to completely release him from any responsibility because, on the many occasions I tried to get him to be responsible for anything he said or did that hurt me or the children, it was a dead end.
For example: if he was being a steamroller toward the children, I would spend hours explaining child psychology to him, and how damaging it was to a child to not be accepted and allowed to have their own likes and dislikes – that he would tell them “that’s stupid” or “you’ll go to hell for that” and so on was abuse. I tried to engage him in a cooperative work with raising the children. He would seem to listen and I would think I was getting somewhere, and then a glassy look would come into his eyes and he would say, “Well, if nothing I do is right, I’ll just not do anything. You raise the kids and I’ll stay out of it.”
Then, I would try to explain the importance of both parents being involved and united for the sake of the children and the glassy look would come and he would twist that around and tell me that since he wasn’t wanted, his way wasn’t accepted, he wasn’t respected … well, to heck with all of us. And that was not what I was saying! I was saying that, as parents, we had to put many of our own things aside for the sake of the children.
He simply could not think beyond himself.
So, when the time came, and it came within a day or so, I knew this and I knew that no amount of explaining would be effective in any terms other than just repeating, “I made a mistake when I married you and now I am correcting it,” and words to that effect. That put all the blame on me. My objective was not to put him down, to lay blame, to do anything but get myself and the children out of this situation.
And the war began in earnest. He was fighting to retain his position, to reclaim his feeding territory. And I was equally determined that he was not going to feed on any of us any longer.
When he said, “I knew you would do this. All women are alike. Blah blah,” I just agreed even though I knew that his view was completely twisted. It was not necessary for me to be “right” because I knew that when I was right, it didn’t matter because he was going to see it the way he saw it anyway.
I just kept remembering a funny thing that I had read about how to get proper service from a store clerk who keeps trying to sell you something you don’t want: just keep repeating what you do want, and when they say, “What about this over here?!” say, “No, I don’t want that. I want this.”
So, I knew what I wanted to accomplish, I knew I would be subjected to a “sales talk” of some kind, and I knew that I had to keep repeating over and over again what I wanted and insist that the focus stay there. Whenever he tried to engage me in a discussion, I said, “That’s fine. I know you see it that way, but I don’t and this is what I want.” Over and over.
When he started listing all the things that he had done, I just agreed that he had done them and that it was good that he did, but it didn’t change the fact that I had made a mistake, and it needed to be corrected and I was going to do it.
Then came the name-calling and accusations … and I agreed with everything. “Yes, you are right. I lied to you. I never loved you, blah blah.” I just agreed that everything he said was right, but it didn’t change the fact that I was going to do what I was going to do and that was that.
In his initial declaration of territorial rights, he made it clear that he wasn’t giving an inch. If I didn’t want to be around him, if I had decided that it was over, then I was the one who was going to have to leave. If I didn’t want to sleep with him, I would have to sleep somewhere else because he wasn’t giving up his right to sleep in the master bedroom.
I didn’t argue with him. I moved into the baby’s bedroom and slept with her. After a day or two of this, of sleeping somewhere other than on the special orthopedic mattress that had been bought after my accident, the children told their father that he was being very selfish to make Mom sleep on a bed that hurt her. Of course, he wanted to appear to be the injured party, so he immediately moved into the playroom and slept on the sofa in there, giving me the bedroom back.
After failing to change my mind with argument, insult and manipulations of the overt kind, he went into the pity-trip mode. He claimed that he had nowhere to go, that he would have to build a camper on his truck and live in the woods somewhere. He then asked for several days to make his preparations.
I just wanted him out of the house. I was hanging onto my resolve by a thread, and I knew I couldn’t take much more of the pity me trip because that had always been my weak point. I knew that, for the sake of the children, I had to win this battle. I had already spent too many years teaching my children by example how to be prey and now I needed to teach them by example how not to be prey.
It was at this point that something completely bizarre happened. I went to the kitchen to get a drink of water in the middle of the night and had to pass by the door to the playroom. As I did, I heard him talking in there. I wondered who in the world was he was talking to. In the low, ambient light of the house, I could see that he was stretched out on the sofa, alone and apparently asleep. But he was talking. I stood there very quietly and listened. He seemed to be having a long conversation with someone in a dream and I could only hear his end of it. The thing that was so amazing was that in all the years of our marriage, he had never once talked in his sleep. Not once. And now he was saying things like, “Yes, I know I failed in the mission, but I won’t fail again.” “Please don’t punish me! I won’t fail again!” There were a long series of “yes” responses as though he were receiving instructions, and the subservient nature of his end of the dialogue gave me the absolute willies. An air of evil emanated from the room and I understood that the subject of discussion was me. Somehow, he had been assigned to do something in regard to me, and the present situation was unacceptable to the overseer of this “mission” he kept mentioning.
If my resolve had been growing weak, it was increased a hundredfold by this little encounter. I made up my mind that I had to get him out of the house. His physical proximity was dangerous. He was slowly but surely wearing me down, he was playing on the emotions of the children and the situation had to end now.
I talked to my friend Sandra about it. She was a supervisor of the Child Support Enforcement Unit of the State Department of Health and Rehabilitative Services. She told me that I needed to apply for assistance and make it clear to him that he had to be out of the house or he would be subject to legal sanctions. I was already receiving a supplemental check from Social Security because I was unable to work due to my health problems, so this seemed the logical thing to do until the insurance case related to the accident was settled. I reasoned that, since our house was paid for, the children and I would be able to survive – though just barely – until he could get himself settled and the court could set a reasonable amount for him to pay as support for the children.
So, that’s what I did. I made it a legal matter, and because Sandra was behind me and he knew that he couldn’t play any games with the State legal system with Sandra watching, he packed up his things and moved back to his parents’ house.
It was at this point that something akin to physical withdrawal began to manifest. Sandra explained to me that I had to keep repeating over and over in my mind why I was doing what I was doing. She told me to make a list of all the times when we had gone through the feeding episodes, and how when I had reached the end of my rope and declared that I couldn’t take it anymore, we had gone through the same deal and all the promises that were made and not kept.
I realized that I had to just keep hitting myself over the head to stay awake.
Then there came the fear of not being loved, of being judged a “bad girl” or a “bad wife and mother.” This was the program that had kept me in the situation for so many years. It had been inculcated into me (and millions of other women) as a little girl. It is the chief program of women in general: to cover the bad things up, to shove them all under the rug, to make things nice – to be a “good girl” by being a doormat.
I had to keep reminding myself that I was Bluebeard’s wife. And Bluebeard had a secret room in the castle with the bodies of all his other wives – symbols of the fact that he was a predator, feeding on our energy because he had none of his own. And he had none of his own because he was inured in the Matrix, a source of energy in the food-chain pyramid of the theological reality of higher-level dark forces that feed on humanity. We can feel sorry for such people, as they may only become Bluebeard because of damage to them as infants or children. But they cannot be fixed, and their damage spreads like an infection to everyone with whom they are in contact.
What was ultimately important to me was the fact that I knew I had to become what I wanted for my daughters. Children do what they see, not what we tell them. And the greatest gift we can give anyone is to become what we would have others be: Free.
At this point, I brought up the matter with the Cassiopaeans:
March 29, 1996
Q: (L) In the past week I have been going through some fairly severe trauma because of certain ideas and realizations I have been forced to face …
A: Stress, yes, trauma, no.
Q: (L) Well, it has felt traumatic to me. The first question I would like to ask is: in reading and analyzing the Bluebeard fairy tale as a map of consciousness, am I correct in my understanding, that I am basically living the life of Bluebeard’s wife?
A: Close enough for now.
Q: (L) My application of this map of consciousness, so to speak, is not only in the area of my marriage, but also a number of other interactions. Is this correct as I understand it?
Q: (L) What part is the maybe?
A: Learning is a complex process, answers follow study. […]
Q: (L) Well, it seems to me that I have a strong tendency to manifest my psychic and emotional state physically; not only in my own body, but also in manifestations and events around me.
Q: (L) Back when we first moved into this house, we had a burglar break in during the night. I have always been troubled by the fact that a strange man broke into my house, the symbology of it. The other night, I was reading about dreams of people breaking into one’s house being a warning that there is extreme danger from the deep subconscious. These dreams always have a strong physiological manifestation. Well, I had an “intruder dream,” and it was like this. But then, I thought about the actual intruder being a psychically manifested warning in the flesh.
Q: (L) Was the fact that it could manifest in a physical way any kind of indication of the seriousness of the threat?
A: Yes. […]
Q: (L) Back to my question: the intruder dream the other night was very disturbing. In the dream, I tried to wake my husband to tell him that someone or something was in our house, I discovered that he was paralyzed. He was like my friend Keith … can you help me with this image?
A: Learning is fun!
Q: (L) Well, it was not fun! My heart was about to pound out of my chest, and I ended up sitting in a chair half the night. There was a realization that I have been being drained by a lot of people for a long time …
A: Yours to look and discover. Not ours to help you “cheat!”
Q: (L) No cheating, huh. I can’t look at the answers in the back of the book. […]
Q: (L) Well, you are not helping! I have been seeing things so completely differently lately. I even see that you have given all sorts of clues about this that just went over my head …
A: Laura, please learn just to trust your expanding insights. They will bring you to ever increasing knowledge and ability. But, you want us to lead you by the hand. All this can do is ultimately lead this channel and conduit into an STS vehicle!
Q: (L) That is not what I am trying to do here! I am trying to expand on a learning experience to help other people.
A: You have the ability to do that all on your own!! Cannot you see this yet?
Here, again, the Cs are pointing me in the direction of realizing that the entire purpose of the communication was to prepare me for the task of utilizing what I was learning through this personal initiation process so that it would be of benefit to others. Of course, at this particular moment in time, I was not feeling terribly confident about anything. I was having trouble with my eyes – an inflammation had taken hold and I had to keep medication in them that made it difficult to see.
Q: (L) I am still in the process of making major changes in my life based on such insights …
A: And, how do you feel when you make a decision to make one of these changes?
Q: (L) It hurts to make some decisions, even if I feel that it is the right thing to do. It can be painful and scary.
Q: (L) Definitely relief!
A: And …
Q: (L) I have some little hope that maybe something else will happen to help with the work if I make sure that my own life is clean. I am cutting off my financial support, and that is frightening. […]
Q: (L) I am between a rock and a hard place.
A: Not really.
Q: (L) Easy for you to say.
A: Wait and see. When you get money, pay someone to transcribe.
Q: (L) I will do it myself as quickly as possible … SV was supposed to help me with this … but obviously she is fading from the picture here …
A: Maybe, maybe not, you are not completely in control of all possible factors.
Q: (L) Well, however things work, I don’t really care right now. As soon as I can see again, I will get back to transcribing. I have sent some samples out to a couple of places. I have had some very positive responses …
A: Have fun!
Q: (L) What is that supposed to mean? I don’t like the sound of that! The other day when you said “celebrate!” all I did was suffer!
A: Stop suffering!
Q: (L) I can’t help it! I feel so sorry for [my soon to be ex-husband]! He is a master at being a victim! It tears me apart! Anything I need to know about my situation? I feel pretty desperate.
A: Has it been “desperate” before?
Q: (L) Yes.
A: Did you turn into dust?
Q: (L) No, but I thought I would!
A: What about your settlement?
Q: (L) God knows when that will happen! You won’t tell me!
A: If we did, you’d become a “softie.”
Q: (L) It seems that over the course of time, you have turned us more and more in the direction of learning on our own. Does this mean that it is winding down to come to a halt?
Q: (L) Can you tell me what this means?
A: You needed more assistance earlier.
Q: (L) Well, am I correct in the MPD idea regarding SV?
A: Pursue with an open mind and cross check all analyses.
At this point, there is almost an entire month between sessions. The reason for this is the fact that my infections became so severe that I was bedridden for almost a month. My ears, eyes and lungs were infected and I had been ordered by the doctor to not read or look at a computer screen for several weeks. I had to spend several periods a day with hot compresses on my eyes. In a funny sort of way it represented my human reaction to what I was literally seeing, hearing and experiencing. I was also depressed almost beyond endurance.
During the same period, one of my elder daughters was also so depressed that she could barely get out of the bed. Even though I was struggling with my own health issues, I was more concerned about her than anything and I took her to the doctor several times to have her checked for any kind of physical illness. Our family doctor had been part of our lives for about seven years at this point, and he was intimately familiar with all of the ups and downs of our situation, and he was concerned as well. He ran every test known to medical science and finally just said that if I was patient and supportive with this most sensitive of children, that she would pull through it. Being of the “old school,” he didn’t think that medication was the right option. He knew my daughter too well.
The next disaster was that my next-to-youngest daughter broke her ankle on the trampoline in the back yard. I had been gone from the house only long enough to pick up the eldest from school, and when we returned, there was another crisis to deal with.
I struggled on, and during this month something amazing occurred. In the past year I was given a copy of a lecture of Gurdjieff which describes exactly what transpired. Had I read it before the experience, I wouldn’t have understood it at all. And I realize that anyone who has not been through it also will probably not fully understand it, which is why I am taking the time to explain the events and experiences so as to provide a platform for understanding some of the more esoteric teachings of different pathways. Ordinary Life itself, properly understood, can indeed be the means by which we are initiated, as Gurdjieff believed. He wrote about the “First Initiation” in the following way:
You will see that in life you get back exactly what you put in. Your life is the mirror of what you are, it is your image. You are passive, blind, demanding. You take all, you accept all, without ever feeling indebted. Your attitude towards the world and towards life is the attitude of one who has the right to demand and take. Of one who doesn’t need to pay or gain. You believe that all things are due to you, only because it’s you! All your blindness is there. It doesn’t catch your attention. It is however what, in you, separates a world from another.
You have no measure to measure yourself up. You live only between ‘I like it’ and ‘I don’t like it’. Which means that you have appreciation only for yourself. You do not allow for anything above you – theoretically or logically maybe, but not in reality. This is why you are demanding and keep on thinking that everything should be cheap, and you can afford to pay for anything you want. You don’t recognize anything above yourself, or outside yourself or inside yourself. This is why, I repeat, you have no measure and live only to satisfy your whims.
Yes, your ‘self appreciation’ makes you blind! It is the biggest obstacle to a new life. One has to be able to pass this obstacle, this threshold, before one can go further. It is the test that separates the ‘chaff’ from the ‘wheat’ in people. No matter how intelligent, how endowed, how brilliant a man is, if he doesn’t change his opinion about himself, he will be lost for inner development, for the work based on self-knowledge, for a real evolution. He will stay as he is all his life. The first demand, the first condition, the first test for he who wants to work on himself is to change his appreciation of himself. He cannot just imagine, or simply believe or think, but actually *see* things in himself that he did not see before, really see them. Never will his opinion about himself change as long as he will not see inside himself. And in order to see, he has to learn to see: it is the first initiation of man into self-knowledge.
Before anything else, he has to know what to look for. Once he knows it, he has to make efforts, focus his attention, look constantly, with tenacity. By maintaining his attention on it, by not forgetting about looking, one day he may see. If he sees once, he can see a second time, and if this is repeated he cannot ignore seeing. This is the state to look for in our observation; it is from this that the true desire, the desire to evolve, will be born; from cold we’re becoming hot, vibrating; we will be deeply touched by our reality.
Today we have only the illusion of what we are. We overestimate ourselves. We do not respect ourselves. To respect myself, I have to have recognized in me a part which is higher than the other parts, and to which I show respect by the attitude I have towards it. In this way I will respect myself. And my relationships with others will be ruled by the same respect.
We have to understand that all other measuring units, talent, erudition, culture, genius, are changing units, units of detail. The only true measure, never changing, objective, the only real one, it is the measure of inner vision. ‘I’ see – ‘I’ see myself – and you have measured. With a higher, real part, you have measured a lower one, also real. And this measure, defining by itself the respective roles of each part, will bring you to self-respect. But you will see it is not easy. And it is not a bargain. One has to pay a lot. For the bad payers, the lazy, the losers, no chance. One must pay, pay a lot, pay immediately and pay in advance. Pay from oneself. With sincere efforts, wholeheartedly, without expectations.
The more you will be willing to pay without reticence, without cheating, without falsity, the more you will receive. And from then on, you will meet your true nature. And you will see all the tricks, all the dishonesty it goes to in order to avoid paying cash. Because you have to pay with all the gratuitous theories, all the deeply rooted convictions, all the prejudice, all conventions, all ‘I like it’ and ‘I don’t like it’. Without bargaining, honestly, not just make believe. Trying to see while using fake money.
Try for a moment to accept the idea that you are not what you think you are, that you overestimate yourself, therefore that you lie to yourself. That you lie to yourself always, every moment, all day long, your whole life. That the lie rules you to the extent that you cannot control it anymore. You are its victim. You lie everywhere. Your relationships with others, lies. The education you’re giving, your petty conventions, lies. Your learning, lies. Your theories, your art, lies. Your social life, your family life, all lies. And what you think of yourself, lies too.
But you don’t stop from what you’re doing or from what you’re saying, because you believe in you. You have to stop inside and observe. Observe without prejudice. While accepting for a time this idea of lies. And if you observe in this manner, paying of yourself, without self-pity, by giving all your false riches for one moment of reality, maybe someday you’ll see all of a sudden something you have never seen in you before. You will see you are someone else from what you thought you are. You will see that you are two. One that is not, but takes the place and play the other’s role. And the one that is, but so weak, so inconsistent, that just brought forth it disappears immediately. It cannot stand the lies. The smallest lie kills it. It doesn’t fight, it does not resist, it is vanquished in advance.
Learn to look until you have observed the difference between your two natures, until you have seen the lies, the impostor in you. When you will see your two natures, that day, in you, the truth will be born. (Gurdjieff, quoted in Michel 1989, 34–35)
And that is what happened during that period from the dream of the Kiss in March, to the moment when I realized that everything I had ever believed in was a lie, and I was being asked by the universe if I was willing to pay everything. And pay I did; in advance. During the period following my separation, as my energy was no longer being drained daily, the manifestation in the body was the evidence of the price I was paying. Everything in my physical system cried out against this view of the world of human affairs, the view of predators and prey, and I wept tears of blood and pus from my eyes to the point that I nearly lost my sight altogether.
There, at that moment, in the middle of my life, mother to five children for whom I had given most of my life, I saw that not only had I been lying to myself by believing lies and deception, but that I had conveyed those same lies to the people I loved the most – my children.
What do you do when you realize that most of your life you have given away your free will and, at the same time, have taken away the free will of those dearest to you? More horrible still, what do you do when you realize it has all been done in the name of love?!
When the last illusion was stripped away and I was left with nothing but the skeleton of my being, I reached what Kafka describes as “Von einem gewissen Punkt an gibt es keine Rückkehr mehr. Dieser Punkt ist zu erreichen.” “There is a point of no return. This point has to be reached.”
When you have been stripped of all your illusions, when you have nothing left to believe in, there is no one there at all but yourself. It felt rather like falling endlessly in icy, black, meaningless space. No rhyme nor reason, no truth or beauty, no anything that I had ever believed in could be seen anywhere. I had peeled away the layers of all the warm, fuzzy, comforting beliefs and found that it was all a lie, a deception, a mask for feeding and manipulation.
By believing the lies, I had participated in the feeding and manipulating to so great a degree that my grief and regret became an ocean in which I was drowning. No wonder we resist giving up our beliefs! Without them, we have to face the truth about ourselves! And, as much as we think we are loving, caring, giving beings, when we see the truth, when we see that most of our ideas about loving and caring and being have been manipulated to deprive us of our free will and to pass the infection on to those we love the most, it is like looking into the pit of Hell.
And when you look into the pit of Hell and realize that you have been feeding that black and bloody, sucking and gaping and gore filled maw waiting to swallow you, and that you have taught those you love to feed it as well, the horror of the realization is enough to drive you mad with grief and despair.
You search for a meaning, some little point of illumination, and there is no light anywhere, not even a single candle to dispel the darkness.
On a humorous note, it was at this point that Tom French came to visit me one day and asked me what I really thought about the alien reality. Well, it was not a very good time to ask me this question! There I was, wrapped in a blanket to ward off the chill that I couldn’t seem to shake, constantly wiping the oozing mess that dripped from my eyes, almost unable to speak above a whisper, and that whisper sounding as much like the croaking of a strangled crow than anything, and Tom French wants to know what I think about the alien reality. Who or what did I think these aliens were? Well, that’s like asking the guy who falls out a fourth-floor window and is lying broken and dying on the pavement below, “Are ya hurt?!”
“Spawn of Satan,” I managed to croak. At that moment, I could see no light anywhere.
But, while falling in this dark, empty space, something begins to form inside you. In the beginning it is very small, but it catches your attention and, since it is the only thing that is different in the sucking, feeding darkness, you become riveted on it. You cannot be sure exactly what it is at first, but your attention gives it energy and it begins to grow inside you.
What you have found is your will – the spiritual essence of who you are – and once you have found your will you see “the choice.” Choice is a function of will. Where Will exists, Choice comes into being. You can choose. What you see is that you can choose the orientation of your soul. You cannot change the reality, but you can choose what you will personally do within it.
The way the thought came to me was, “Well, okay, I don’t see any light or love or truth or beauty anywhere; and the universe may just blink out one day without it ever having really existed. But that would be a tragedy.”
Desolation overwhelmed me and I felt so great a pity and love for what might have been – for what radiant and sublime dreams may be in the Mind of God that might never be fulfilled, because the deceptions are so deep, and the reality is so monstrous – who can really see it, and survive?
And I became aware of the feather-like weight of my inclination, my True Will to Be. It was not more than an inclination, a propensity, a preference. But as I noted it and focused on it, it became firmer and purposeful.
And I realized, “I am just one single, solitary, lone being in the darkness, and there really and truly might never, ever, be anyone or anything in existence of real love, truth and beauty.” And the sadness and despair vaulted from my soul into darkness that enveloped me. But nothing answered except that my attention was drawn back, again, to this small thing that was growing inside me which had now begun to glow and give off warmth in that soul-chilling blackness. Somehow my thoughts were making it grow. My thoughts were aligning me with it.
Resolution and steadfastness began to blossom. And then I realized that it was connected to some greater source of Light and by my penitential love and compassion for the Dream of Love and Truth, the light was increasing. And I understood that the darkness, the predatory nature of our reality, was also God!
Disasters, misfortunes, tragedies, ruin, destruction, adversity, suffering, pain, anguish in all the varied manifestations we find them in our world are expressions of the idea of nonexistence. I understood that the idea of nonexistence exists only as an idea, and only because, in a realm of all potentials, even the potential of nonexistence exists as non-being. In the two fundamental ideas of Being and Non-being, all creation is manifested. In the act of Creation, the outrush of creative energy, half of the Consciousness of God formed itself into a reflection of this idea of Non-being as part of the Grand Experience. And this reflection of Non-being is matter – it is only the half of the Consciousness of God gone to sleep to become the clay from which the material cosmos is formed.
I also understood that, in that eternal instant of falling asleep, of compression, there was a sensation of loss in this half of God that became matter, and that this sensation is expressed as a recoil, a contraction upon itself. It is this recoil and contraction in flux interaction with outraying creative consciousness that establishes the tension of polarization that is the dynamic by which the cosmos is manifested. And, in third-density terms, this recoil or contraction is the essence of service-to-self – the Predator – those who choose this mode ultimately recycle into sleeping matter.
The creative-consciousness half of God uses the matter that is formed by the recoil/contraction of the other half of God to take on form, to engage in exploration of all the ideas in the mind of God. This results in an increase of its relative energy. This using of matter to increase energy is felt by the sleeping consciousness/matter as fear of loss of self. To assuage the fear, the matter-oriented consciousness must circumscribe, limit, and restrain. It must believe that the grand constructions of illusion are not only real, but all that exists. Physicality becomes the standard, the measure, the object of veneration. The Physical Universe is, in effect, God. This is the essential dynamic of all physical or partly physical realities, including the hyperdimensional fourth-density STS reality.
The moment of true initiation. It seems that, as the great masters teach us, it is not a moment of great enlightenment. It is not someone who comes to show us reality. It is not a seeing all the world as a oneness. It is seeing the self as a liar and a feeder on others. It is measuring the self with truth. It is seeing that the Predator has been feeding on the self, that the self has been feeding on others and propagating the infection on to all those whom one claims to love and wishes to help. Initiation is not a glorious in-pouring of life and love and tears for the beauty and oneness of the world.
It is sheer terror.
It is a descent into Hell. It is the Shamanic descent into the underworld to do battle with demons. It is the dismemberment of the body, the flaying of the flesh from the bones, and the subsequent rebuilding of the self on a different foundation – a foundation of spiritual verity.
And if I could convey to you that Hell, that sensation, that solitary test in which the soul is weighed, by the self, finally and completely and seen for what it has truly done, you would see how little truth there is because of all the beliefs of the Matrix that have been inculcated and promulgated and tended so carefully by our emotions and by the deceptions of the predator within who convinces us that we are “good” and “pure” and there is “oneness.”
Indeed, one sees that there is “oneness,” but one sees that the aspect of God that is experienced at this level is the black, sucking, feeding maw of STS. One sees how little true Love is actually manifested at this level of being. One sees that all of our illusions about goodness and truth and beauty are lies. They are masks for more feeding.
And that is so horrifying an initiation that few survive.
That is “paying everything.”
Now, reread what Gurdjieff had to say about the matter; how he pointed out that a person has to “pay in advance,” that the key is to accept the idea that one is not what one thinks, that there is a different reality from which our own is projected, and that developing this idea in the realm of pure thought, and then using it as the platform by which one can observe and analyze, is the key to being able to see for a moment, and then again. One must be able to see the interactions of the petty tyrants in our lives, the predators who prey on us in the theological reality. Then, one must be willing to act. It is only after action that the true nature of the Predator reveals itself just as the vampire reacts with violence to being exposed by the presence of a mirror. Because, it must be kept always in mind that there are predators who are predators by choice – even if that choice is made at some level, in some part of themselves, that is not available to even their own conscious awareness. They, too, are part of the Matrix, and they wouldn’t be able to play their roles if they were not consciously convinced that they are right, that they are good, that they are righteous and long-suffering.
After this month of suffering, of initiation, of seeing, I wanted to try to formulate some questions to determine what I ought to do next. Even though the spiritual reality was changed, the physical reality was still in a state of near desperation. I had no idea how the children and I would survive to the extent of not knowing how I would keep food on the table.
April 24, 1996
Q: (L) I would like to deal with certain issues relating to the progress of this “mission” or “project” as you have described it. As you know, we have experienced serious disruptions and “attack” in recent months. I came to a conclusion that my husband is a robot person. But, I am not going to ask you to confirm or deny that. I came to that idea through information in the transcripts. What I do want to know is: is it likely now that much of the attack will cease since that energy has been removed from my environment?
A: Maybe, but not necessarily in the ways you think! Robot or not, all are programmed.
Q: (L) All are programmed including myself and Frank?
Q: (L) Well, considering a lot of my internal experiences, I had already come to this conclusion. What is the objective of this programming?
A: It is too complex to explain yet. […]
Q: (L) I was analyzing some of the material regarding the recent episode with SV and her mother. To this point, she still has done none of the things that you advised her to do in response to her requests for advice. I told her that I was very angry that she took so much of my time and energy and still did none of the things advised, resulting in everyone being upset. Now, I had someone call me and tell me that SV was involved in some sort of coven or very dark organization. I just have a very difficult time believing this. How can she speak so disparagingly of such things and then, be a part of such? Yet, the source of the information knew things that “clicked” and could not possibly have been said unless this was true. Is it possible that SV could have multiple personalities and one of her other “selves” is doing this? As in Greenbaum?
Q: (L) Is it possible for either Frank or I to be involved in such and not be aware of it?
A: Yes, but it is not that.
Q: (L) Does that mean that there is some other thing that we are involved in, in some other aspects of our selves, that we are not aware of?
Q: (L) Is this something that happens in altered states or in sleep states?
A: Not happens, happened.
Q: (L) Something that happened in the past?
A: Laura, you need to consult a powerful, practiced, effective hypnotherapist to unlock these questions for you.
Q: (L) Is this something I could do for Frank in the meantime? Obviously Frank could have a big piece of the puzzle locked up in there …
A: Both of you and others. The locks have been installed in such a way that it is literally impossible for you to unlock them, as they were installed with full knowledge of present circumstances.
Q: (L) Who installed these locks?
A: Supremely powerful STS consortium!!
Q: (L) And what circumstances were they aware of, as you have mentioned, when they installed these locks?
And right here we have a most interesting series of clues. Note that the reference was clearly to the fact that something was locked away from my awareness and that it had been done with full knowledge of the present circumstances. At the time, it never would have occurred to me that this could mean that Frank was working for the other side to make sure that I was not accessing the information, and if I ever did get to the point where it was possible, to attempt to derail or destroy me. At that point in time Frank was the only one I felt I could talk to freely, and he had been so supportive during the previous month that anything he had ever done prior to that time was completely forgiven.
Q: (L) You are the Cassiopaeans, correct?
Q: (L) And you are STO?
Q: (L) And you are telling us that we have locks on knowledge installed in us, installed by supremely powerful STS consortium. Can we not, in our conscious state, reject this programming, and ask you to inform us of this information?
A: Not possible!
Q: (L) What is not possible?
A: What you just asked.
Q: (L) You mean we can’t change our minds, or you can’t inform us?
A: Incorrect analysis.
Q: (L) Give me the correct analysis.
A: You cannot unlock, and we cannot tell you details of what, or why.
Q: (L) Why can you not tell us?
A: Free will violation, and endangerment of you if done thusly.
Q: (L) Is there some way to do it that does not endanger us?
A: We have told you.
Q: (L) Is it a danger to us to not unlock these things?
A: In a sense.
Q: (L) When I was kidnapped at the age of three or four in Jacksonville, how many days was I missing. My mother simply has a blank about it, which amazes her.
A: 12 days.
Q: (L) Who was it that kidnapped me?
Q: (L) Who was Jan?
A: Corps member.
Q: (L) What corps is this?
A: Select division of economic legion under control of G5.
Q: (L) Economic legion? What is G5?
Q: (L) What was the purpose of this kidnapping?
A: To install self-destruct programming.
Q: (L) So, this Jan was known to us as “Cecil Brien.”
Q: (L) And he more or less overwhelmed my mother and persuaded her to marry him just to get at me? I find this to be incredible!
A: It was easy at the time. She was vulnerable.
Q: (L) So, I have a “self-destruct” program. And Frank has one also?
A: Similar, but not an exact copy so as to mask.
Q: (L) Was Frank abducted in a similar fashion?
A: Close, but not exactly.
Q: (L) Was Frank’s pneumonia when he was a child, that nearly killed him, part of this self-destruct program?
Q: (L) Was Frank’s father also programmed?
Q: (L) Well. I think we can safely assume that every member of our families have had some sort of program installed, if only to facilitate our programming. This whole situation is beginning to sound inexpressibly grim.
A: Grim?!? You have lived decades after these episodes! How many brethren? Multiples of millions!
Q: (L) That is why I am saying it is pretty damn grim …
A: And it is part of a natural process, do not forget.
Q: (L) Well, we need some help from the good guys. Or, is it that unless we can figure it out we are stuck?
Q: (L) It sounds so dreadful. We need some help here. I am becoming very tired.
A: You only need knowledge. […]
Q: (L) Well, I want to have a little direction here.
A: Concentrate on settlement. This can be a problem solver if handled wisely, a curse if not so! Use some of the funds to locate a “super-hypnotherapist.”
Q: (L) Who might this person be? A clue?
Q: (L) Is there some progress that we can make on our own?
Q: (L) Give me a clue … I want something that will blow me off my chair and enrich my life which is so grim … produce knowledge that will protect me …
A: Won’t succeed until locks are blown off in proper way.
Q: (L) Well, I hope I survive until then.
A: Refer to previous answer.
Q: (L) If you guys were here, I’d throw something at you!
A: We’d dodge!
Q: (L) Well, you see my problem here … I guess I just want to know that there is someone out there who cares …
A: You should by now.
Q: (L) Then you guys ought to get behind my lawyer and jack him up …
A: We do, through you. […]
Q: (L) So, we have a lot of stuff locked up inside and all we have to do is find the key …
A: Yes, exactly.
Q: (L) Anything else …
A: Beware of cardiac concerns. Not what is, what may be.
Q: (L) What specifically?
A: Possible thrombosis in future.
Q: (L) What can I do to avoid such?
A: Many things, but most important is your attitude. You must decrease your anger.
As it turned out, this was the second incident in which the Cs “saw” something in connection with me that was actually related to someone I was interacting with. In this instance, it was Sandra. Within a few days of the above remark, Sandra suffered a thrombosis that stopped her heart. She was in her office when it happened, working after hours, so there was no one there to help her. She fell and a couple of people standing by an elevator out in the hall heard a crash of furniture being knocked over. After some discussion, they decided to investigate, but had to find the janitor to unlock the office. By the time the EMT folks arrived, Sandra had been dead for 20 minutes. She was revived and placed on life support, but her brain was dead.
I was devastated. I also saw it as forces “out there” deliberately depriving me of my closest friend and supporter. Even if Frank was a confidant, he was not a woman and there are things that women talk about that cannot be discussed with a man.
While Sandra was still on life support, I was unable to accept the fact that I couldn’t have a miracle. I had had a dream about the event a few weeks earlier. In the dream, I had confronted Sandra’s children in a hospital waiting room where she was lying sick. I told them that if they did not give her a reason to live, she wouldn’t. When this exact drama actually played out, I decided to ask the Cs if she would be able to be restored to health. Was she, as the doctors said, really already dead? The Cs confirmed this and agreed to step aside so that I could communicate with Sandra directly. It was an amazing conversation, and when it was over, I was convinced that I had, indeed, been talking with Sandra. Her personality had come through so strongly in her use of words, and her memory of events we had experienced together way in the past – things Frank could never have known about – that I was comforted, especially when she remarked that she was finally having some fun. I was able to let go of my hope that she would recover. A week later, after her family had all assembled to say their goodbyes, the respirator was disconnected and her body was allowed to expire.
The most stunning thing about the event was what I saw happening with Sandra’s two sons, the ones she had babied and supported all their lives. They had never been required to be responsible for any of their actions, in the same way I had acted as a buffer for my husband. Just as I had always stepped in and made nice to fix things for him, Sandra had been doing it for her sons. In her case, it was slightly different, of course, but still the result of emotional programs. We do these things thinking that it is love, and now I was seeing the result. Her sons (aged 27 and 34) were actually angry at her for dying and depriving them of access to the good money she made that supported all their many ventures, all of which ended in disaster, at which point she poured more money into the situation to get them out of the soup. Now, she wasn’t there to do it, and they weren’t sad that they hadn’t done anything for her, they were actually angry that she was depriving them of this income! I was stunned. All the love Sandra had felt for these two parasites, that she had expressed by doing so much for them, only made them want more and more and more – right up to her very life! And then they had the nerve to be angry that there wasn’t any more to get!
What, I wondered, is this thing we call “love” that is obviously not love? How do we get sucked into these traps? How come we believe that giving and helping in every way we can is Love, when it is clearly not? Those two boys were now faced with having to figure out things on their own. Their mother had “loved them so much” that she had never allowed them to learn to walk on their own, and now they were angry at her that they had to walk, that she wasn’t there to carry them anymore. And how difficult a road it was going to be for them. So, yes, they were angry, and, in a sense, rightly so. She had deprived them of the incremental lessons of experiencing the consequences of their own mistakes, and now they were going to hit the wall in a big way, starting with having to pay for her funeral!
What I wanted to know was how do we get sucked into these traps of believing something is love, of giving when it is not really giving, of thinking we are doing something good, when all we are doing is setting someone else up for a big fall by not letting them learn their own lessons.
I wanted to know why it was so physically painful to stop this activity when finally we were able to see that we weren’t really doing good when we helped others in such ways? What is it that blinds us to the truth? I already knew the answer: emotions. But I wanted to know where and how it all began. What was going on here? How did this start?
April 28, 1996
Q: (L) We had a little chat with Sandra and we thank you for that. Now, we have been discussing a lot of different things here, and the main thing that I have been focusing on is the trap of emotions. I would like to know if this trap is foisted upon us from external sources?
A: The formula is “foisted.”
Q: (L) What is the formula?
A: Set pattern, like a maze.
Q: (L) OK. And what is the most effective way to get out of this maze of emotional control?
Q: (L) Is there anything that can be done when one is in process of extricating oneself from an emotional trap to cut off or ease the pain of it? It quite literally hurts.
A: No need to ease.
Q: (L) Well, once you have done it and gone through it, or, more particularly, once you see that it is a trap, it doesn’t hurt anymore – or lessens. Another thing is that we all have been affected by being sucked into emotional traps, seemingly since birth. Is this common for all people?
A: All? No, most, yes.
Q: (L) Would it be a fair statement to say that people who have potential to do very positive things in terms of clearing away and understanding the reality in which we exist, might be primary targets for this emotional turmoil?
Q: (L) Can you tell us what might be the characteristics of a person who is not caught in the emotional trap?
A: Embracing? No. Uniting? Yes.
Q: (L) Ah! So, you are saying that people who can clear the emotional traps can unite in a higher emotional sense?
A: Emotions are chemicals only.
Q: (L) So, if emotions are chemical only, is it true that when one is in physical proximity to certain people, that perhaps their frequency vibrations cause these chemicals to be stimulated or generated within us?
Q: (L) And, that it takes great force of will and mental power to counteract this physical action?
A: No, just practice.
Q: (L) OK, once you have done it a few times in small ways, you can build up to big ones?
A: Not quite correct concept.
Q: (L) I was reading this piece sent to us on the Internet where this Cosmic Awareness source talks about people who deliberately have come in because, since the good guys really can’t interfere from the outside, because it would violate free will, that many of them incarnate and thereby partake of the physical experience, and then wake up and be able to do the things that are needed on the planet. The object being to try to make sure that they will awaken to their purpose, and that emotions and emotional traps are used repeatedly and continuously to try to prevent them from awakening. What I am getting at is: what are the things that we can do to awaken? You have told us many times that we need to awaken. Obviously we are not fully awakened. We are aware of that. Is there some other thing we can do?
A: Let it happen naturally. If you are on a path, do you seek to jump up into the air and fly to the end of the path? If you did, you would regret missing the “rest of the path.”
Q: (L) A lot of very strange things have been happening … Sandra and her heart attack, [my daughter] and her ankle, the terrible sicknesses I have had in the past months, [my other daughter] talking about the things that have happened in her experiences … it seems like, to me, that the situation in terms of attack is really heating up. Can you comment on this?
Q: (L) Well, thanks a lot! Can we ask questions about it?
Q: (L) Well, my eye infections, the ear problems, the loss of my voice for so long … were these part of the attack process?
Q: (L) My mother also fell down and has a black eye. I am trying to find the portal? What is the portal through which all this attack is coming?
Q: (L) Did we already discover it in part, i.e. SV and her mother and that situation?
Q: (L) Are you saying that SV is not a portal?
A: People are not portals!!! They are only victims of the things that come through the portals. Otherwise, many could describe you as a “portal.”
Q: (L) Well, I never said that I wasn’t. Speaking of that …
A: When you concentrate on the people as portals, you falsely direct negative energy upon the soul units themselves. Rather like treating acne with the therapy to be found in a shotgun!
Q: (L) What is the appropriate response when you are in a situation and you know that the person is being victimized, yes, by the forces coming through the portal, but their victimization is causing you a great deal of problems? What is the appropriate response here?
A: How do you view those afflicted with disease? Do you throw rocks at them?!?
Q: (L) Well, no, you don’t throw rocks at them …
A: What do you do, then?
Q: (L) Well, a person with a disease: you send or take them to a doctor or suggest that they go to a doctor.
A: For what purpose?
Q: (L) To discover the diagnosis of the disease, to obtain medicine, to either relieve the symptoms or cure the disease.
Q: (L) We are talking about people who won’t even admit they have a disease! How do you tell someone to go to a doctor when they don’t think they are sick? Most people do not believe that they are subject to control or manipulation from other densities! You have told a number of people that they were going to be subjected to attack and manipulation and they have blithely said, “Oh, there is nothing in our lives that would permit that …”
A: Denial is not incurable until you give up. Patience combined with kind invitations to participate in the learning process eventually allows the victim to awaken, thus to be open to cure. This helps you to build the “army” you seek. Isolation cures nothing. Thereby stifling progress, as any and all will ultimately be seen as “portals.” Rather like “spinning one’s wheels,” yes??
Q: (L) So, in other words, you are saying I should remain married to my husband, I should have SV and other disruptive and destructive people over here constantly to “participate” in the learning process?
A: The point is not to rigidly adhere to specific lifestyles, nor maintain exact patterning of behavior, merely to not close doors completely and permanently.
Q: (L) OK, if a person were, say, a robot person, when a person becomes a robot person, what happens to the soul of the robot person?
A: Same process.
Q: (L) As what?
Q: (L) So, a person can die and leave their body, their body can be taken over and reanimated and controlled to function and do a lot of things for a long time. Meanwhile, the original soul has completely departed to fifth density ready to recycle?
A: Yes, but body is replaced, not reanimated.
Q: (L) Is this what happened to [my husband] when he had that surgery back in 1981?
A: We caution that, even though you have met 7 “robots,” in your entire lifetime, not to “see” them under every bush or around every corner. You have met so many people in your life. We gave you one, and only one!!
Q: (L) What was the source of the dream where this was stated to me quite clearly?
A: Dreams are the best forum for disinformation that exists.
Q: (L) OK. I can see that. But, at the same time they are also one of the best ways to get information from the subconscious and the higher conscious, is this not true?
A: We have mentioned dualities a lot!!
Q: (L) Skipping the disinformation part, and just getting to the analysis part, the story of Bluebeard … I am still of the opinion, robot person or not, I am doing the right thing. Is it possible that, even in this situation, that I am caught up in an emotional trap?
A: Sure. This learning thing is anything but easy!
Q: (L) Yes, that’s all fine and dandy, but we are talking about breaking up my whole life here …
A: Maybe, maybe not.
Q: (L) What good is channeling if it does not help you to make decisions once in a while? Once in a while, I say. Not all the time. Or to help clarify things! To put additional light on it instead of muddying the water!
A: We are not “muddying” the water, only you can do that!
Q: (L) Well, enough of that …
A: No, not enough of that. And a much needed pointer for you: answers to questions of global or universal significance provide for a greater personal learning than direct personal inquiries. If you disagree, check transcripts and especially un-transcribed sessions for validation! You will see, my dear!!
Q: (L) Well, that is why I said that was enough of that because I don’t want to talk about my personal stuff anymore. I did think that the thing about the robot people was pretty significant, but obviously it is not that significant or important. There’s two million of them on the planet, and I have been told that I have encountered seven. I did think that this was a pretty high ratio of robot people for one person to encounter …
A: Yes, but your life path has been unusual. And you have met 4588 people personally!
Q: (L) How many people has Frank met?
Q: (L) How many were robots?
Q: (L) How many has PZ met?
Q: (L) How many robots?
Q: (L) So, why seven for me – yeah, we know the path is unusual …
Q: (L) Can you tell me in what sense it is unusual?
A: Can’t you?
Q: (L) Well, I thought I would trick you into telling me …
A: No tricks, we only treat. […]
Q: (L) I am so tired now that I cannot formulate a legitimate, reasonable, intelligent or coherent question of global or universal significance, we will say goodnight.
So even though the Cs were telling me many things in the above dialogue, I was still not seeing how to properly connect it all. But again, we see that I was being urged to get all the transcribing done, and to search the transcripts for the clues. It was being hinted that there was an “unusual” aspect to my life, and that there was obviously something that needed to be awakened to, but what it was I couldn’t yet see. But the Cs suggested that I concentrate on questions of global and universal significance.
A week later my brother came to give me moral support, and to help with some things around the house. My soon-to-be-ex had never been one to fix anything anyway, and my brother was finally going to fix some of the things that had been driving me batty for the six years we had owned the house. We also decided to have a session, and the majority of this session was, indeed, concentrated on things of “global and universal significance.” It was only toward the end that my brother, retired from the Navy, was directed to make some inquiries about his own life situation. He revealed that he had experienced some strange things while onboard ship, the symptoms of which certainly sounded like abduction byproducts.
May 5, 1996
Q: In terms of what we understand – I know you aren’t gonna answer it that way – if Tom tries to bring up the memories and understand, the headaches ought to go away … (TK) I haven’t had any since I have been out of the Navy.
A: O’Brien is “lyin’”
Q: What is it about O’Brien?
A: Discover. Why is Tom there, of all places?!?
Q: Is there something in that area, some frequency from the earth, some electromagnetics or something, that can tend to …
A: Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe …
Q: It keeps a person quiescent and in the dark?
A: Stalling frequency … And by the way, can anyone come up with a purpose for the existence of Camp Blanding? Well?? … First, some blockbuster stuff for the Knighted ones … Look upon a detailed map, and reflect, remember lonely journeys from long ago, and begin to unlock shattering mysteries which will lead to revelations opening the door to the greatest learning burst yet!!
Q: (F) Oh, my. A lot of questions … (L) Was there more than one journey to Camp Blanding?
Q: Only one?
A: For you.
Q: More than one for Tom?
Q: You said “knighted ones,” as though there were some significance to the name …
A: Discover …
Q: Is there some genetic engineering here?
A: No, not in the sense you are thinking. But, all are in some sense. […]
Q: Why did my mother marry men who kept affecting our lives in such terrible ways?
A: Ask her.
Q: She has no answer. She is baffled herself.
A: So, get her to discover. That is where the clues lie.
Q: So, the clues lie with some of these people … We remember the trip with one of them – to North Carolina – when we were taken to school …
A: Why did he insist you go to boarding school? And why did your mother acquiesce?
Q: All this comes back to the original question, why Tom is in O’Brien, near Camp Blanding …
A: EM waves curdle the mind producing complacency in the face of contrived misery. Numbs the mind through isolationist influences. Why are you there, Tom? Who begged you to stay there? EM waves emanate from?? Suggest you, Laura, go to library and research Camp Blanding. You may find a “black hole,” so to speak!!
Well, I was dense as all get out, to say the least. “Camp Blanding.” Why was this term being related to a “black hole” in relation to EM waves curdling the mind producing complacency in the face of contrived misery? Why was it being pointed out that such EM waves can “numb the mind through isolationist influences?” Why did they ask “EM waves emanate from?” Well, from whom?
In retrospect, it is easy to see that Frank’s ongoing manipulations were designed to isolate me from everyone, and in the above all the clues were given – even the term “Bland-ing” in connection with a “black hole.”
To understand the connection of the term “bland,” we need to go back to October of 1995 where we had been asking some questions about the UFO crash in 1947, near Roswell. During the course of this discussion, the Cs revealed that there were dead humans aboard the craft, and that these bodies had been retrieved for reanimation as robot-type beings. This was so unsettling an idea that I almost couldn’t take it seriously. In recent months, however, Scott Corrales has written an article about this very thing, confirming with witness testimony, that what the Cs were saying here might very likely be true. (If you are interested, read the October, 2001 issue of Fate Magazine. Funny that our discussion and Corrales’ article both appear in the month of October.)
In any event, it related to the ideas I had come to about my ex-husband, as in the April 28 session above where the Cs were suggesting that I was looking for the robot in the wrong direction. The following remarks contain the clues to the personality of the mechanical individual.
October 21, 1995
A: We gave you one for your own knowledge and protection, but cannot give you others at this juncture. [Laura’s note: Does this mean they can be given at another time, after a particular, destined interaction takes place?]
Q: (L) Is it up to me to figure out what characteristics these individuals have, in order to …
A: Based upon data given, yes.
Q: (L) OK, is one of the, I mean, I’m clicking right now, one of the characteristics I think, that these kind of individuals might have, since they have this projected emotional frequency, would be a repeating emotional pattern, that they just simply, in spite of seeming intelligence, do not seem to learn from anything, that it just repeats over and over again. Is that a clue?
Q: OK, then, this same inability to get a clue about what’s going on … OK, that’s a clue, right there. Is there any kind of instinctual sensation that one would get about these types of individuals?
A: Bland. Spend inordinate amounts of “time” in solitude.
Q: (L) Well, that means Frank’s one! Well, Frank’s kind of bland! And he spends a lot of time in solitude. (SV) A lot of people do! (L) So, is Frank one?
Q: (L) We’re teasing you, Frank! I didn’t mean it! (SV) He’s not bland, though! Frank’s anything but bland! (L) Is my husband one?
A: No. Bland is not universal in this situation, just a clue for you to identify individual.
Q: (L) OK, one is a nutritionist, one is very bland. Is that what we’re getting at?
Q: (L) OK, bland is just part of it.
A: Not key component, more likely to be spreading of disinformation. […]
Q: Do these beings know what they are?
A: Not conscious beings!
Q: (L) They’re not conscious beings, so, they just react to you as though they are being remote controlled. (SV) So, if you told one of them what they were …
A: Are being remote controlled.
Now, the strangest thing of all is that, in the above remarks, I had the answer. Being “bland” and “spending inordinate amounts of time alone” immediately made me think of Frank, as the reader will notice. Of course, by even voicing it playfully, I felt guilty. But with recent revelations, we begin to see just how clever the Cs really are. All the clues were being given, I just wasn’t ready to see everything at once. Camp Blanding and a black hole indeed!
Anyway, I had come back to the subject again a couple months after the October session:
December 2, 1995
Q: (L) When we did the session on October 21st, we were talking about robotoid-type people, or reanimated humans, and that this is what is done rather than cloning and replacing. Then you said I had been in contact with seven of these, and we identified one of them. Then, we talked about profiles, and it was indicated that a “bland” personality might have something to do with identification. You also said that you could not identify the others right at that moment. Can you now do so?
A: Search your “files.” Learning is sometimes best accomplished by study and exploration.
Q: (L) Can I have a couple more clues as to what I am looking for? You mentioned being in a hospital …
A: Non-emotive. There are other clues which you can discover by your own study. It would not be advantageous for us to give you further information on this subject. Speculation about this particular subject will throw you off track.
Q: (L) Is the subject as important as I think it might be?
A: Ultimately, but not yet!!
And indeed, we now see how spectacularly important it was, as well as exactly where the clues were leading. Getting back to the session with my brother present in May of 1996:
Q: A black hole. OK. Well, there is sure a lot of stuff that has gone on in our lives for which there is simply no rational explanation. (TK) They sure have been giving a lot of stuff tonight without a lot of questions …
A: Visits through trees, forests, leading to a perfectly square clearing … […]
Q: (L) Well, what I really want to know is why have we had all of these crazy things happen in our lives, and all of these people ranged all around us seemingly placed there, or manipulated deliberately to affect us negatively? I mean, am I wrong, or is this not a very unusual and crazy situation?
A: Why do you think?
Q: Well, I have no idea!
A: Because you are of the extremely rare and few who have the abilities to put the puzzle together.
Q: So, what are we supposed to do? (TK) Discover.
A: Yes. And, for tonight, good night.
The important thing to note is that, throughout all of the attacks, Frank had the effect on me of numbing my mind, of “producing complacency in the face of contrived misery.” I was so depressed most of the time with his repeated rants on how deaf, dumb and blind I had been for years, that little by little, any and all confidence I had in my ability to accurately perceive anything was fading away. I figured that I was so stupid that there was simply no point in my trying to do anything at all without Frank there to guide me because, after all, he had been “right” all along about my ex-husband, right?
But the Cs were saying something different. They were suggesting that I go to the library and research Camp Blanding. I did. There was nothing significant. The result of their encouragement, however, was to stop me from thinking about my own misery, and stimulate me to think about solving puzzles. Once I had picked myself up out of the hole of the depression, lured by the carrot of a puzzle to solve, I felt better enough to undertake some further study on other issues.
There was a three-week break in sessions at this point because I was ill again. The reader ought to note that Terry and Jan were rarely present during this period, mainly because I was sick most of the time, but also due to Frank’s animosity toward them because they were not convinced that he was the channel. Added to this was my own support of Frank’s position, to my great regret. It is interesting to notice that after nearly every session when Terry was absent, I became ill again. Fortunately, Terry and Jan understood only too well what kind of game Frank was operating and also knew the stresses I was under, so their perspective is one of acceptance that I had to learn about Frank on my own. They were right, and I am grateful for their understanding.
It was at this point in time that the session (June 1, 1996) occurred where the Cs supposedly accused me of trying to take credit upon myself for the material, and that this resulted in many of the attacks I had experienced. As the reader now suspects, that was altogether untrue, and we can now view this as evidence that, after so long an absence of Terry at the board, as well as along with my deteriorating physical condition, Frank’s controllers were seeing their plans coming to fruition and in that session, had made the putsch to try to send me over the edge.
Immediately after this session, I was so depressed that I ended up sick again. As is usual, unless I am completely unable to see or function, I have always tried to make my sick time count for something useful. On this occasion, the only book in the house that I hadn’t really read was a new one that had sat on the shelf for a couple of years, untouched, which I now proposed to read. It was William Chittick’s translation of the works of the great Sufi Shaykh, Ibn al-‘Arabi, The Sufi Path of Knowledge. I struggled through the dry introduction, and gradually began to realize that the Shaykh must have been drawing his information from the same source as the Cs were. It was all so familiar, so similar, so full of synchronous passages that described in great detail the many things the Cs were telling us. I was astonished. It was third-party confirmation that what the Cs were saying was derived from a very ancient knowledge exactly as they suggested. But obviously, without the Cs more modern explication, the deeper reality was difficult to see since so much time had transpired since Al-‘Arabi had written his Futuhat. But taking the loss of understanding that takes place over time, as well as the loss that occurs when something is translated from one language to another, it was stunningly clear that the Cs communication was something more amazing than even I had suspected. I was not only strengthened, I felt that I had made some sort of inner connection to this tradition of knowledge, and I wanted to ask about it.
June 9, 1996
Q: (L) My question is: is the information we are receiving similar to what Al-‘Arabi calls an “opening?”
Q: (L) You say that you are unified thought forms in the realm of knowledge.
Q: (L) Al-‘Arabi describes unified thought forms as being the “names of God.” His explication seems to be so identical to things you tell us that I wonder …
A: We are all the names of God. Remember, this is a conduit. This means that both termination/origination points are of equal value, importance. […]
Q: (L) What do you mean? Does this mean that we are a part of this?
Q: (L) So, it has to do with …
A: Don’t deify us. And, be sure all others with which you communicate understand this too!
Q: (L) What quality in us, what thing, enabled us to make contact. Because, obviously a lot of people try and get garbage.
A: You asked.
Q: (L) A lot of people ask!
A: No they don’t, they command.
Q: (L) Well, a lot of people do ask or beg or plead, but they get all discombobulated with the answers.
A: No, they command. Think about it. You did not beg or plead … that is commanding. After J** left, purification began.
Q: (L) This recent “awakening” or period of seeing things with such clarity, as they really were, and the whole picture of the interactions between people and how truly ugly it can be. I plunged into a terrible depression. I needed to get my balance from seeing so much all at once. Can you explain to me what was going on?
Q: (L) I tried to share this perception with other people, and almost without exception, when I said to people that I was finally seeing things in their true state and it was not a pretty picture, they all said, “Well, you are obviously seeing this through the eyes of some major spirit possession!” Why would they say this?
A: First of all, it is not correct to perceive “everything in such darkness and gloom, etc.” That is merely the result of a cocoon of falsehood being removed. Celebrate the balance. Don’t mourn the death of an illusion of an imbalance.
Q: (L) Where do I go from here? Where do we all go?
Now, notice that above, I am speaking of the very same interactions that I was speaking of before when I had been accused of taking credit on myself (which was obviously Frank’s handlers in action). But in the above, the answer is completely different. In retrospect, it seems that when I began to read the Sufi material, balance was restored, and I became sufficiently strong to counteract the negative intentions of Frank and his controllers. It should also be pointed out that the remark, “Remember, this is a conduit. This means that both termination/origination points are of equal value, importance,” followed by the answer as to why I was able to make contact, “because you asked,” could in no way be construed to refer to Frank. Frank never asked anything. And at the point in time when the so-called aura photos were made, on January 20, 1996, the Cs had made this completely clear:
Q: (L) [looking at aura photo of self] This is very strange, guys. How come I am not in this picture and Frank shows up in his? Why have I physically disappeared?
A: Learning builds spiritual growth, and awareness “solidifies” knowledge.
Q: (L) OK, but that does not explain why I disappeared.
A: Because the energy field enclosure was unifying you with the conduit, as is usual during channeling sessions between 3rd and 6th-density level communications.
Q: [photo of board develops, and geometric figure appears to sounds of amazement from group] (L) What is this geometric figure?
A: Was a visual representation of the conduit, indeed!!! The reason for such clear luminescence is that thought centers were clear and open in you at the moment of the photograph.
Even though, at that point in time, the Cs had clearly pointed out that it was me who was unified with them during channeling, and that the learning I was experiencing was solidifying the knowledge into soul stuff, I was still not ready or able to take the responsibility for any of it, preferring to think that it had just been a sort of fluke. A large part of this was my emotional desire to not diminish Frank’s importance. I wanted him have something that was his own, and I aided and abetted him in this belief, thinking that when he became secure enough, he would be able to acknowledge the truth, let it go, and simply be part of a group seeking answers. But Frank never did seek any answers. I was too engaged in trying to save him to notice.
Nevertheless, the reading of the Sufi material and the realization that something was going on in my life that was truly amazing apparently opened some kind of door. All the little hints the Cs had been giving up to now, including the one where they said that the “ending of the attacks” would happen, but not in any way that I suspected at that point, began to coalesce at this point in time. By choosing to end the illusions, to act based on the theological reality, as imperfectly as I may have understood it at that point, I was apparently ready for the next step – and it was a big one!
June 15, 1996
Q: (L) As you know, I have been studying the Sufi teachings, and I am discovering so many similarities in these Sufi “unveilings” to what we have been receiving through this source, that I am really quite amazed, to say the least. So, my question is: could what we are doing here be considered an ongoing, incremental, “unveiling,” as they call it?
Q: (L) Now, from what I am reading, in the process of unveiling, at certain points, when the knowledge base has been sufficiently expanded, inner unveilings then begin to occur. Is this part of the present process?
Q: (L) My experience has been, over the past couple of years, that whenever there is a significant increase in knowledge, that it is sort of cyclical – I go through a depression before I can assimilate – and it is like an inner transformation from one level to another. Is there something we can do, and if so, is it desirable, to increase or facilitate this process in some way?
A: It is a natural process, let it be. […]
Q: (L) Al-‘Arabi presents a very complex analysis and he probably didn’t know it all either … Nevertheless, it almost word-for-word reflects things that have been given directly to us through this source.
A: Now, learn, read, research all you can about unstable gravity waves.
Say what?! Where in the world did that come from?
Q: (L) OK. Unstable gravity waves. I’ll see what I can find. Is there something more about this?
A: Meditate too!
As usual, I tried to include Frank in everything. But the Cs made it clear that Frank was not the intended recipient of what they were saying. This was the case on many other occasions, but never had they been so clear and adamant about it.
Q: (L) Yes. Well, they have been telling us to meditate. Have you been meditating, Frank? (F) Not lately.
A: We mean for you, Laura, to meditate about unstable gravity waves as part of research. Unstable gravity waves unlock as yet unknown secrets of quantum physics to make the picture crystal clear. […]
Q: (L) I feel like I am missing a really big point here …
A: You are, but you can only find it at your own pace.
Q: (L) Well, I think I need to do some reading and research so that I can come back to this.
A: And, on that note, good night.
It was bizarre enough for the Cs to just toss in something like a nudge to do research in the field of quantum physics, but I discovered they really meant business. Sure, I did what I could, I went through the books on my shelves to see if gravity waves were mentioned, and the result was less than successful to say the least. I went on the Internet and tried to find something, which was really a pathetic attempt considering the fact that I was barely capable of doing more than operating my mail program. I didn’t have enough power in my computer to do any real web browsing, and everything was so slow that I soon became frustrated and gave up that approach.
Meanwhile, something else really strange was going on, and it wasn’t just with me – V** was experiencing it also. It seems that whenever we would begin to talk about what we now call the Matrix, we would suddenly begin to just simply burn up. It didn’t seem to matter if we were talking on the phone, or in person, or if we were talking to strangers or each other, the instant other realities were mentioned, the heat would fall on us just as if we had been suddenly shoved into an oven.
As this phenomenon developed, it also became obvious that whenever Frank walked into the house, I started to feel so much heat I could barely stand it. Of course, I was sure that this was a sign that higher levels of being were stimulated by his presence because it was a good thing. The fact that Frank never experienced it I attributed to the possibility that he was already an advanced being and didn’t need to go through these stages. It never occurred to me that it was a defensive mechanism, or a connection that was protecting me. The funny thing was that this heat never registered on a thermometer nor did it produce perspiration. But it was quite miserable. V** wanted to ask about it.
June 22, 1996
Q: (V) A few weeks ago several of us began to suffer from internal heat, insomnia, and other things. What was this?
A: Image. Deep conjunction of fibrous linkage in DNA structure.
Q: (V) Well, I want to know if it is in my mind that I get so hot, or does my body temperature actually elevate?
A: Only on 4th.
Q: (V) I don’t understand.
A: Bleedthrough, get used to those!
Q: (L) Does this mean we are actually experiencing a bleedthrough of fourth density?
Q: (V) Are the little flashes of light I see also a manifestation of this?
A: Maybe so, but try to concentrate on the ethereal significance, rather than the physical.
Q: (L) When you say “deep conjunction of fibrous linkage,” does this mean that we are conjoining with a linkage to a fourth-density body that is growing, developing?
A: Slowly, but surely. Now, get ready for a message: We have told you before that the upcoming “changes” relate to the spiritual and awareness factors rather than the much publicized physical. Symbolism is always a necessary tool in teaching. But, the trick is to read the hidden lessons represented by the symbology, not to get hung up on the literal meanings of the symbols!
Q: (L) You say that the symbology has to do with hidden meanings. The symbology that you used was “image” and “deep fibrous linkage” of DNA. Now, is that a physical, symbolic image?
Q: (L) What is your definition of “image?” We have many.
A: Learning is fun, Laura, as you have repeatedly found!
Q: (L) Well, I am so hot now that I really want to know! And, how come I am always the one who gets assigned the job of figuring everything out?
A: Because you have asked for the “power” to figure out the most important issues in all of reality. And, we have been assisting you in your empowerment.
Q: (L) Image. DNA linkage. (V) “Power” was in quotes.
A: Leave that alone for now, you will know soon enough.
At this point, I was curious about the possibility that I could use acupuncture to “unlock” the secrets that had been mentioned on several prior occasions. My acupuncturist (also named Terry) had shown me a couple of points that were supposed to induce an altered state of consciousness, and I was thinking that I could combine this with self-hypnosis and do the “unlocking” myself.
Q: (L) Terry showed me a couple of acupuncture points that seem to induce an altered state. Is this, as he says, a way to open the door to the subconscious?
A: Stimulates endorphins.
Q: (L) Is there any point on the body that can be used to assist in opening the gate to the subconscious?
A: No such assistance is needed. First, we would like to suggest that you seek a “spin” doctor for your quest!!
Q: (L) Would a “spin” doctor be a Sufi master?
A: One example.
Q: (L) Yes. We are supposed to do several things involved with spinning.
A: Hilliard. Leedskalnin. Coral Castle.
Q: (L) Well, they are really pushing on this gravity thing.
Now, when the Cs gave the additional clues that a “spin doctor” was connected in some way to Hilliard, Leedskalnin, the builder of the Coral Castle, and the “discovery” process that was involved in that series of strange events, they were saying something that only became clear much later. You see, as it happens, Hilliard and Leedskalnin and Ark are all from the same area of the world, with the same ethnic background. During the second half of the 18th century the Kingdom of Poland included all of what we now call Lithuania, Belarus and half of contemporary Ukraine. As I was later to learn, all three of them were ethnic White Russians. All three of them had strong ties to Lithuania, Ukraine and Poland.
So I gathered all my “gravity” material together and posted it on Steve Wilson’s mail list. Ark was researching gravity waves in Florence, and a correspondent discovered my post, sent it to him, and this brings us around full circle to Ark, the “spin doctor,” and the “super-hypnotherapist” whose presence awakened memories and dreams and who was now, at the point where we diverted, on the “quest” with me. And it seems that this very fact – that we had joined forces – was a serious threat to someone or some thing: the Matrix.