Lost Love

[Martina]

I wish you started this thread earlier, before you entered this relationship to contemplate why are you attracted to this woman. When you are 40 you can't act like you are 20. We should grow and develop through our lives. I'm saying that when you're young and don't work on yourself because you don't even know what that is, is most likely that you're going to rush into a relationship that reflects your childhood trauma, honors to people who haven't done this. Through your whole life you can find people attractive but that doesn't mean you need to sleep with them.
Women in 30ies have biological clock ticking, I've experience this myself it overlaped with my job at that time as kindergarden teacher.
I think Sigli you have let your ladies down because you didn't show yourself you could be a responsible father.
Let me know what you think. Thanks.

 

[Yas]

Hello Silgi,

You say you've never experienced deep love before this occasion and that she made you feel very good.

Well, I'm sorry to say, like the others, that this doesn't sound like deep love at all. Maybe it will help you to read this description of love.

What you describe seems to be more related to what we do when we're trying to satisfy our unresolved childhood needs with relationships. It's very common and it happens on different degrees. It sounds as if she was trying to play out the dynamics to which she's used to, and part of that is probably having a relationship that never really gets too serious (even if she was 'dreaming about a wedding). She'd probably stop 'loving' you so much once she had you all for herself. And you have your own responsibility there because it takes two people to play these dynamics. You probably have an unresolved need for validation or something along those lines which made you go for someone who was idealizing you (for her own benefit) and that made you feel good, which you confused with love. It isn't love, it's all about feel-good chemicals that make you believe that it is true love.

The problem is that you also seem to be OK with the fact that this dynamic is a bit of a toxic dynamic, even hoping that things could change in the future. They most probably won't, and that's really part of the recipe for toxic relationships: to go there with all the signs that it isn't good and yet ignoring the signs and hoping that one day things will go better. 'If I love her, she'll get better', 'if I leave my wife, she'll get better', 'if we get married, she'll get better'... all when she hasn't shown you a sign that she really wants to be better. And that's the thing, she'll only be able to get over her issues if she really wants to do it, and you have nothing to do with it, it's not your business now. So you need to focus on how YOU can be better yourself, if you are willing to do that, of course.

Now, about the obsession. It's also very common in these dynamics to feel obsessed. It actually is another sign of a toxic dynamic. And there's no way out if you don't want the way out. With any obsession, be it a drug, another type of addiction, or a relationship, you have to make a clear decision of letting it go for it to 'go away'. For that, you need to be convinced yourself that this wasn't good for you and that it's better to move on and leave this obsession behind. If you are convinced of that, then you can write all your reasons for that and work on reminding yourself of those reasons everytime you feel the obsession coming up again. It will take time and work, and it won't just be erased either, but that's a good thing if you're learning from this experience. The memory of what happened without the obsession can become the lesson you learn from it and what makes you grow up.

You can do it, if you really want to do it.

 

[Martina]

I'll write this really simple because I'm not expert in anything (except burial rites ) but this helps me. There are only two states in which we can operate. One is state of giving and other is state of neediness. The state of neediness is the state of addiction and suffering, because you will never get enough of what you may think you need, more love, more sex, more anything you think you lack, you name it. That's impossible, it's focused on yourself and on your pain of lacking.
When one focus itself on state of giving you immediately feel inner peace and you are in a state of relief. You feel you are connected to everything. Find something that helps you activate this state, what we call service to others and that is a start of the work on yourself.
Like binary code you have 0 and 1. I had a dream about it last night so I wanted to share this with you.

 

[pinkfreud]

Oof. To put it simply, Silgi, the way through is this:

Sit in the swamp, and remember every detail of the affair and surrounding circumstances until you tire of it.
Then, decide what means more. Do you want to be “happy” in the way that this experience has made you “happy” or do you want to aim higher than the life you have known since your “bad childhood?”

Once you have the answer to that question, you may be able to move forward.

I sincerely hope the best for you. The resounding message for you here is that it is going to take a lot of work. And it demands that you not “forget” or “delete.” This affair (and all like it) are like a payday loan with a 100% interest rate. You will go hungry for some time before your debt is paid.

Still, better to pay it off than to accumulate more.

Best of luck, man.

 

[Goemon_]

Come on! This really belongs in 'The Swamp' as BHelmet suggested.

Unless something as change recently, you need to have made 50 post to access the swamp section. Sigli as made 18 post at this moment.

True.

The thread was moved to the swamp.

So now, I believe tha Sigli can't see this thread...

 

[aragorn]

It wasn't intentional. At least not by me. She had "woken me up" in the middle of the night. We hadn't had sex in a long time before that.
That's why she got pregnant, because I wasn't fully awake.

I agree with Tauriel; c'mon man, this is just silly. At the same time it's one of the many examples in your story that should give you pause for serious self-examination. See it as an opportunity to evolve and learn to take responsibility. "Know thyself" and all that.

 

[Zzartemis]

Unless something as change recently, you need to have made 50 post to access the swamp section. Sigli as made 18 post at this moment.

I'll make a suggestion, considering that Sigli might not be able to read this thread. And if you can, Sigli, perhaps this may help you.

Reading this thread really brings home the genius of Laura's Romantic Fiction reading. From what I can deduce Sigli and women involved didn't grow up in families that modeled what it takes to be in a sucessful relationship/marriage or to raise a family. This is unfortunately the norm, nowadays. Plus the world bombards one with an anything goes standard.

@Tauriel, I appreciated your knowledgeable expertise, as I do all others who gave advice. However, how can one explain what a healthy relationship is to someone who might never have experienced that, as a child or adult? Since reading can draw one into an experience, as if one is there, wouldn't it be worth a shot to suggest this to Sigli?

I'm not in the Romantic Fiction reading group. So, could someone here, who has read more than a few, pick one or two for him to read? Choose a story that you feel he might benefit from.

 

[Tauriel]

However, how can one explain what a healthy relationship is to someone who might never have experienced that, as a child or adult? Since reading can draw one into an experience, as if one is there, wouldn't it be worth a shot to suggest this to Sigli?

I'm not in the Romantic Fiction reading group. So, could someone here, who has read more than a few, pick one or two for him to read? Choose a story that you feel he might benefit from.

What a wonderful idea!
It's easy to point out deficits and much harder to offer a hand.

Anything written by Mary Balogh is good.

But reading only one or two books might not do the thing.
At least this was what Laura suggested when the reading project began.
It would have to be many of these books.
The question was whether reading romantic fiction with a certain focus could create change in oneself- Here's the thread Romantic Fiction, Reality Shaping and The Work.
After having read about 150 romantic novels from our list I think they can indeed act as some catalyst.
And they've literally saved my a..* during stressful times and brought a lot of cleansing, understanding and acceptance.

 

[Alana]

Unless something as change recently, you need to have made 50 post to access the swamp section. Sigli as made 18 post at this moment.

So now, I believe tha Sigli can't see this thread...

He can now see it. It was moved back.

 

[Mark7]

You have to take 'scripture' with a grain of salt, but something to think about...

Now then, at the resurrection, whose wife will she be of the seven, since all of them were married to her? (Matthew 22:28).

Sex is one of the big reasons we are in this predicament it seems. Sometimes love can be forged in knowledge and transformed perhaps.

Jesus replied, "You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God. At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven (Matthew 22:29,30).

Maybe she was just not all that into you man. Who knows. Sorry to be blunt. Just wish her well. You will make it through.

It's the soul that counts, especially these days.

Btw, Is Mark the single original source of the 'red words' in the New Testament too?

 

[Silgi]

Good Morning,

unfortunately I really couldn't find my post. I also had a lot to do at the weekend. I'm sorry I couldn't reply earlier.
I am grateful to you for your encouraging words.

I just wanted to say that it's hard for me because I've really never felt anything like this in my life. As Zzartemis has already indicated.

What I may also have forgotten to mention is that unfortunately I see her every day at work. That doesn't make things any easier.
But I really want to forget her, I don't mean really forget her, because I realize it's a part of my life. But get over it.

I also tried meditation... but unfortunately it didn't really work because I couldn't meditate properly.

I know I have to rise above it myself and then move on, but how can I accept something I don't understand?

 

[Silgi]

And since I've never experienced anything like this, I thought maybe it has something to do with soul mates.
Forgive my ignorance

 

[Anamarija]

But I really want to forget her, I don't mean really forget her, because I realize it's a part of my life. But get over it.

I sympathize with you because I know this feeling. And even though now this feels like a hardship actually is very good opportunity to learn to be more objective and see things clearly. We tend to idealize person that we're fall in love and even much more if we're left with "broken heart". Maybe it will be good idea that you try to look at her (that's why it's good to see her every day) in a different way. Recognize that your state, seeing her how beautiful, sexy and amazing she is, and get of it just to see can you see more. In my case, I manage to see much more avoiding idealization and just the person from observing point of view. This could be helpful (it was for me) if you are determined to really get over it.

It's really hard when someone doesn't feel the same and our mind will find bunch of reasons to trick us that's she actually want us but she just need little persuasion but if that's the case do you really need someone who is unsure of their feelings and desires. But going with what "heart desires" and especially this "gut feeling that you're soulmates" can bring us more suffering than truly getting know someone (who is willing to getting know us).

And, IMO, there's a lot of emotionally injured persons in your situation and maybe is time that you start to learn to be responsible and make things right to each one of you.

 

[Oxajil]

that's why I'm totally in despair. she is constantly on my mind. between us it will definitely not work again. that's why I want to forget her.
can you or the C's help me with this? I just want to be happy again.

You could start with (just some suggestions):
- blocking her number
- probably throwing away her letter
- asking your mutual friend not to mention her to you anymore, tell her you've moved on completely and you're not interested in what she's doing or anything
- start applying for a new job

Then I would recommend you to talk to a psychologist about your issues and obsession. Over time, you'll get over it, and you'll have a much better understanding of what happened. I hope you can take important lessons from the situation with you. I'm not sure what's happening in your relationship with your wife, but you don't seem to be that worried about her or her feelings. I'd also look into that with a psychologist. Hope this helps, Silgi.

For that, you need to be convinced yourself that this wasn't good for you and that it's better to move on and leave this obsession behind. If you are convinced of that, then you can write all your reasons for that and work on reminding yourself of those reasons everytime you feel the obsession coming up again. It will take time and work, and it won't just be erased either, but that's a good thing if you're learning from this experience. The memory of what happened without the obsession can become the lesson you learn from it and what makes you grow up.

Very well said, I agree.

I thought maybe it has something to do with soul mates.

I'm not sure what your definition of a 'soul mate' is, but what I'm seeing is a pretty toxic 'relationship' where she used you and you used her, while your wife was ignored in the midst of it. I think that hopefully with time and with help from a psychologist the situation will become more clear to you, and that you'll come out of it having learned more about yourself and able to practice what you've learned to improve your life and perhaps your marriage.

 

[Silgi]

I sympathize with you because I know this feeling. And even though now this feels like a hardship actually is very good opportunity to learn to be more objective and see things clearly. We tend to idealize person that we're fall in love and even much more if we're left with "broken heart". Maybe it will be good idea that you try to look at her (that's why it's good to see her every day) in a different way. Recognize that your state, seeing her how beautiful, sexy and amazing she is, and get of it just to see can you see more. In my case, I manage to see much more avoiding idealization and just the person from observing point of view. This could be helpful (it was for me) if you are determined to really get over it.

It's really hard when someone doesn't feel the same and our mind will find bunch of reasons to trick us that's she actually want us but she just need little persuasion but if that's the case do you really need someone who is unsure of their feelings and desires. But going with what "heart desires" and especially this "gut feeling that you're soulmates" can bring us more suffering than truly getting know someone (who is willing to getting know us).

And, IMO, there's a lot of emotionally injured persons in your situation and maybe is time that you start to learn to be responsible and make things right to each one of you.

Thank you for those sweet and encouraging words.
I will also take these into account.

You could start with (just some suggestions):
- blocking her number
- probably throwing away her letter
- asking your mutual friend not to mention her to you anymore, tell her you've moved on completely and you're not interested in what she's doing or anything
- start applying for a new job

- I have already deleted her number

- to be honest...i don't even remember where the letter is. that was a .pdf file, which I still had.
I haven't looked through it in months though.

- our mutual friend doesn't want to talk about her anymore either. that's fine with me too.

- a new job is out of the question for me. I've been here for over 20 years and I'm staying here. If so she should look for something new!
I also have to say that she contacted me about 2 months ago and wanted to know why I look so unhappy.
I told her it's none of her business.
Also said to her that she decided to go down this path without me, then she doesn't have to be interested in me either.

I hope this was a good start to a new "life".

A year ago i didn't know i was where i am now.
That's why I don't know where I'll be in a year.
Let's see what "destiny" has in store, or what I decided before I was born.