Well, it's not that I feel uncomfortable sharing more of my life, but I don't want to drag this out any longer than necessary. I've tried really hard to cover the why of a lot of things that are sometimes obvious and sometimes not so obvious.
I'm going to go into a little bit of detail here as well so I can better explain my way of thinking about this and detect something, at least to have a mental outline of myself and some problem that I'm not aware of. But I think I've covered enough at least from the starting point that it was just a ruminating thought and in the end other things that I hadn't considered were connected because my intention was to detect the why of that thought, not to connect so many things or vent (laughs).
So, whether it's through suggested readings, ideas, or just saying directly "I'm sorry, the problem is you," feel free to do so.
Wow, the situation at home is really tough.
Is there anyone else in your family that you can talk to about this? I realize that her situation might lead to no one wanting to get involved and leaving it all on your lap.
There is no one else, I am an only child and at home it is just her and me. Years ago I posted here that my stepfather died in an accident and it was just her and me. With my stepfather it was the same, the problem with him ended when he died. But he was not a saint either, we are talking about people who come from families where the way to be educated was through abuse.
What helped me connect those dots was the book Fear of the Abyss by Aleta Edwards.
I usually talk about it with my biological father but he is another particular case, he also has his problems and something I have noticed in them is that they seem to have remained in a kind of mental "bubble", I don't know how to really say it. It's just that they don't seem like very emotionally functional adults. They are not what adults should be, they are more like free children who no longer have parents who are tying them down, the reflection of a mutilated childhood, many unresolved issues and if you try to tell them something that endangers their autonomy as "adults" they only get upset because adults are the ones who have the privilege of telling young people what they should do and not the other way around.
A few months ago, my mother's sister came to the house to take care of her while she was recovering from an operation. She herself realized that it is not easy to live with her. In fact, there is a phrase that they have used to describe her all her life: "if she doesn't win, she ties her, she never admits anything" so obviously they are not going to waste their time saying anything. But that sister is not the big difference either and it is not that she cares either. They all treat each other with kid gloves because they know how explosive they are under the mask of harmony.
In fact, I have not even met with the rest of the family for more than 5 years. And the other reason why it is of no use is because in that family there is no respect for confidentiality, they do not see it with the awareness that it deserves in terms of helping, rather they can tell another person that she is not even part of the family and it is worse because they end up speaking badly of her.
There is a cousin who has a remarkable degree of awareness about emotional intelligence, in fact she knows what my mother is like and what I have had to go through with her and the same thing, nothing can be done with her.
I presume you've talked to her about how you feel, yes? What is her response usually?
I have told her what I feel but through a fight when I explode because no matter how much I tell her "I don't want to fight with you, calm down and then we'll talk, it always escalates to worse" but she doesn't listen, in fact she does the opposite, she takes advantage of throwing it all up at that moment or she won't stay calm, so it's not worth it especially because even in an assertive way, without fights in between, she only mocks, begins to mock or looks for any other excuse for something that I, according to her, have done wrong to put it above as something worse. The conversation becomes a competition and she doesn't listen to anything, it's what she says and wants to think and that's it. It's impossible to talk to someone who has only lived twisting what is said to her and never takes into account the position of others, only hers. She demands respect but doesn't respect, where is the balance? it's always the others who are wrong, you can't talk to someone who never considers being wrong about anything and that recognizing it would be losing in a horrible way that only she will know in her mind.
I don't care about her opinion either, because I spent my whole life humiliated by her, why should I care about letting her know how I feel? That's throwing pearls before swine. In fact I don't trust her at all even with my personal problems because on more than one occasion I have done it to see if through that means we can establish some trust and get a little closer emotionally and then she uses it against me when she gets upset simply because she spilled some water on the floor!... or she tells someone else! Zero trust at all.
I confide in her something and then I find out from someone I've never talked to about something personal "Your mom told me this"... how disgusting really. That's why I've never seen her as a mother, I've never called her mother either, I've always called her by her name. She didn't plan her pregnancy, I just showed up. I think that's why she resents me more because of that. She had no support from her family at the time, she was 16. So I guess she blames me for something.
She is not a person to sit down with me and talk about it. She can talk to others, but she has never done it with me. She can tell others "well yes I know I did this wrong and I shouldn't have told and done this" but in front of me, never! She can even support others! She can be interested in the things that others do, but she has never supported me in my projects and when she has done it has only been because she knows that she has never been there as a mother at other times, but out of remorse.
I have noticed that when she wants to "fix something" it is out of remorse, but just a few minutes later she does the opposite and ruins that small moment of peace. It's that I don't even receive good wishes on my birthday or Christmas as a son should from his mother when the rest of the year she is only an obstacle precisely to those good wishes that she only articulates because it is a holiday.
Everything she is is the result of her own emotional deficiency and the way she was treated in her childhood. She behaves just like her mother in terms of that kind of way of being, it's the same.
The way I read the situation, and it does explain a lot of the resentment, is there was a reversal of roles, you became the caregiver and she became the child to be looked after. But yet, you got to somehow remain under her somehow.
Yes, you could say that, or that the role has passed from one person to another. She has never worked in her life, so my father took care of her for obvious reasons, then my stepfather took care of her and now I do.
She has never really had great responsibilities in life in that sense because she did not cover the household expenses, she was part of the expense. Nobody expects their partner to die from one day to the next, but in a certain way it is taking life for granted, until everything changes. Since it was never part of her ego to take charge of anything, it was a hard blow, a destabilization when she saw that her main support would never be there again. Oh, but I was left. I just had to find a job and that was it, give her money, simple. I had just graduated at that time and I wanted to take some time to rest and live a while after leaving school, I hated school and the last thing I wanted was to go back to another classroom.
Recently, talking about the fact that she never worked at anything, she told me something that terrified me.
"Well, let's help each other, as if we were husbands"... husbands!? There's something under that basement that I really don't understand. Changing those roles like that from son to husband is not normal. What am I here? The son/husband who now has to take care of a person who has not taken responsibility for herself? Of course, as a son, I must take care of her, but that parasitic way in which she has lived is not normal.
If I quit a job to look for something better, she doesn't support me, she only speaks pessimistically because I have cut off her livelihood in a certain way, I understand her "concern" but I'm sorry, I'm not going to stay in one place because of her fears. But she hasn't done everything possible to even sell bread. I gave her that idea a while ago, I wanted to support her to do something, she was taking cooking classes, "hey but we can sell this, it's really good!", I would buy the flour and whatever was necessary, I already had an idea... her answer "oh no I don't like it, it doesn't taste very good" was a lie, she simply doesn't feel like doing anything! I have tried to support her in something and it's always a no for everything, a "but" for everything.
And she has already lost faculties, she tried to work for a friend of hers and in the end she never mentioned anything about it but she didn't continue either.
The daughter, the wife that I don't have, turns out to be my own mother! Incredible!
I know the answer seems obvious, and you've said as much, your financial situation prevents you from leaving, but I still wanted to ask, is there another reason you've stayed? Some might've just left as any other situation might've been preferable than staying. So, is there anything else, that makes you stay?
I'd suggest that the first order of getting your life situated involves living on your own in one way or another. Why not look for available rooms to rent with a roommate or roommates?
Well, that's the raw and sad part of this situation.
When I was in high school I had gone to live with my father for a year, and it was she who asked me to come back and apologized crying. She has some problem because to tell someone "I miss you even if it means fighting", well, you better not miss me, it's abnormal, I answered.
I've gotten over the worst part and my situation is not the worst in the world either, so I can keep putting up with it. I want my own house because I want my space and above all so I don't keep fighting absurdly with her like cats and dogs, but it's going to be very sad to get the "peace" and space that I want, only when she's no longer on this plane. That is if I don't leave first of course, but the great silence will come no matter what, for both of us. I wouldn't want to live like this until those days come, but that's just a wish.
As for why I haven't left the house, it turns out that I've never liked living in a rented apartment because the amount of money lost is greater and that's not profitable, much less having a job with a very limited salary. But if that's the case, what I usually consider is:
1. Lack of money.
2. Jobs that generate enough income.
3. High cost of rent.
4. Location in terms of security.
5. The reliability of the landlord.
6. Living alone, not in a group.
7. If I have to live in a group, what kind of people would I get involved with? Could I live with strangers when what I want is my privacy?
8. I need the right job opportunity, with the right people, with the right salary and work hard for it, I don't ask for more!
As for luggage, I don't have much. The only thing I own is my PC, which is also my work source, my camera, the 3 physical books I have from the Wave and the few clothes I bought a long time ago (laughs). So I don't have to make a big move or have much attachment to material things.
The minimum cost of renting a place that is more or less acceptable is not less than $450-$600 per month.
With a job where I can earn at least $1000 per month, I could save up much faster and buy something of my own worth up to $20,000 or at least pay it in installments, but earning $100-$150 per month and that money not lasting at all, I couldn't even afford to buy a resin house to do mental visualization because then I wouldn't buy food, I'd eat the house or use it as decoration (laughs).
By the way, I read this post by Chu:
I think that if you work on visualizations, maybe, that could help. That is, imagining yourself at a less crazy job, happy, surrounded by colinear people you care about, with time to learn and give to the Universe, etc. Just that, while you try your best to not be so drained by the job and the other activities. And then, you never know what can happen. Here's sending you some strength!
Nothing emotional prevents me from doing so either because over time I learned to be detached from those kinds of emotional ties. The idea would be to spend much less time with her, what is necessary, is not to abandon my mother. I love her and my father equally, but not in the way that one normally feels, that is why I spoke of honoring them, because rather I feel a kind of respect towards them, for their lives, for their pain, for what they have endured in silence as I have done. They also had no one to help them and they only want to have a little recognition, apparently, that what they have done has been useful among many other things. They have done everything possible in their experiential range, and just like me, each one tries to improve something in silence. I don't blame them, my resentment is an effect of all of this but I don't have to continue to dump it on the world or on them.
Therefore, "cutting" the illusory emotional ties of "Parents and children" to such an extent that for me it is just another human to interact with in life and everything that implies in this great school, has also helped me not to break down emotionally again. I don't know if I'm wrong about this, but when we put aside all that emotional identification of "family" what do we get? Only humans fulfilling their natural function of reproduction, the rest are all the emotional programs and terms and identifications belonging to this density to create "ties" and bonds of all kinds. But that has not meant that I have lost my empathy or altruism, in fact I had to recover it because obviously I fell into the experience of not wanting to feel anything, so no way, it has been like being in a wrestling ring radically pushing myself from one end of the ropes to the other but where I fight is against myself (laughs).
I'll add , some sort of physical exercise , which can be as light as any age permits ( and type ,ie , one that the pleiadians recommended , and has helped me , was turning , similar to what sufis do )
Yes, indeed. But the wear has been so annoying that even that has made me annoyed to keep going. I usually walk since my job is to sit at the PC all day, so in the evening I go out for a walk for a while. I have weights too, I must resume that routine because yes, it helps incredibly.
This list below could be seen as helping mental blocking tangentially, by way of maintaining spiritual hygiene. It’s from the Cs Session 18 May 2019:
- Diet: having a bad diet contributes to ingesting the chemicals that the STS forces wants us to ingest in order to poison us and mess up our antennae.
- Is good to do intermittent fasting.
This is the most complicated thing, because there are not many healthy products on the market or they are very expensive. However, I have fasted but only because I am not hungry, not because I have planned to do it and I have been doing this for a long time in my life, if I am not hungry, I can easily last almost two days without eating or not eating much. If my body starts to ask for meat, I eat meat and I feel much better, honestly.
I suppose that has helped to keep those antennas because curiously it has been a fast, but yes, this is something that I am going to balance with a better diet in natural fats as well.
We need to have the right feelings towards the right person in the right context.
This is what I need to fine tune.
Connect with ancestors and honored saintly type people in 5D for protection: we should find out if we have any ancestors or deceased relatives or somebody who were good and decent people who one can talk to mentally or communicate with by writing letters to them, or dream communication, and ask them for protection. And if you can't find your ancestors, you have to find someone else's ancestors. You can hook up with somebody who has good ancestors, and their ancestors become your ancestors by you having shared realities.
I don't know any of them, honestly. Neither mine nor anyone else's.
Vices to avoid: fornication, licentiousness, enmity, strife, jealousy, anger, selfishness, dissension, envy, drunkenness. Self-conceit, provoking one another, and envy
The little problem of carnal desire. It's my only and biggest Achilles heel I dare say. In fact, I think that just because of this, I leave an opening for everything else. I am weak in this regard, too weak. I think I will only get over this when I am very old.
I can cut back on it, because I can do it for a good while sometimes. But would cutting back on that feed be enough? Obviously it would be a quick washcloth with warm water, even if it's a tiny opening, it's still an opening. I can do it without "Owning/Controlling" but it's still gratification. If this is the main source of the leak, I'm screwed.
I don't know if I can even balance and improve other aspects of my life like the ones I mentioned above and protect myself in this regard, but it would only be like two different types of water currents colliding where they filter a little from one side and the other but that's all, two currents that block each other and nothing more. Or increasing the strength of one of the two currents from time to time.
Virtues to enhance: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.
It’s important to have in mind that “Whatsoever a man sows, that will he also reap”, and “let us not grow weary or lose heart."
This is what I'm trying to get back. This is what I meant by getting back what I buried inside me.
