Perimenopause

[MusicMan]

I know, I know, I'm a bloke and what would I know..
but I do have a wife who has been through the menopause thing, and would just like to point out that it's important for you ladies to keep your partners in the picture, so that they can handle the sudden mood swings etc.
It can be quite disconcerting for a bloke when this is going on, you wonder where the woman that you married has gone.
You can steal the food from the lizzies by doing this.

 

[Beau]

I know, I know, I'm a bloke and what would I know..
but I do have a wife who has been through the menopause thing, and would just like to point out that it's important for you ladies to keep your partners in the picture, so that they can handle the sudden mood swings etc.
It can be quite disconcerting for a bloke when this is going on, you wonder where the woman that you married has gone.
You can steal the food from the lizzies by doing this.

That seems to be quite a projection. You don't even know if the individuals currently discussing this issue are even involved in relationships. There's almost a sexist tone to what you've written. It IS possible to be aware of your significant other's mood and be considerate of that without her having to bluntly tell you. It can also be quite difficult for a woman to express her feelings, for a number of reasons, when dealing with the hormonal changes involved in peri or normal menopause. By saying "you can steal food from the lizzies by doing this", you seem to be excusing your anger/frustration with your wife's mood changes and her lack of explicit communication regarding same. I don't think that's fair or considerate.

 

[Laura]

I know, I know, I'm a bloke and what would I know..
but I do have a wife who has been through the menopause thing, and would just like to point out that it's important for you ladies to keep your partners in the picture, so that they can handle the sudden mood swings etc.
It can be quite disconcerting for a bloke when this is going on, you wonder where the woman that you married has gone.
You can steal the food from the lizzies by doing this.

That seems to be quite a projection. You don't even know if the individuals currently discussing this issue are even involved in relationships. There's almost a sexist tone to what you've written. It IS possible to be aware of your significant other's mood and be considerate of that without her having to bluntly tell you. It can also be quite difficult for a woman to express her feelings, for a number of reasons, when dealing with the hormonal changes involved in peri or normal menopause. By saying "you can steal food from the lizzies by doing this", you seem to be excusing your anger/frustration with your wife's mood changes and her lack of explicit communication regarding same. I don't think that's fair or considerate.

My husband made it his business to be involved in studying the matter, learning the symptoms and effects, and made sure he was there at all times to catch me when I was falling into the pit. He was endlessly patient and caring and matched his responses to my mood changes and emotional swings flawlessly. He even created an excel database for us to enter all my symptoms and experiences so they could be graphed and better understood. I never felt that I was "out of control" or "bad" or at fault in any way thanks to his constant support.

 

[monotonic]

Like a true scientist! Warriors take it as a challenge... Scientists take it as an experiment!

 

[monotonic]

It IS possible to be aware of your significant other's mood and be considerate of that without her having to bluntly tell you.

I think many people are ponerized to the extent that they can't even imagine the kind of relationship you describe. Either they will think it's a myth, or they will assure you they're already living that way, even when all the evidence is to the contrary. For someone who's emotionally dependent, it strips their world of all it's comfort. For someone who's socially suppressed or just has no social skills yet, they may have their own stunted conception of how people are supposed to interact, and they're dependent on it to function so this level of relationship to them is like calculus to a 3rd-grader.

 

[Tracy Anne]

I know, I know, I'm a bloke and what would I know..
but I do have a wife who has been through the menopause thing, and would just like to point out that it's important for you ladies to keep your partners in the picture, so that they can handle the sudden mood swings etc.
It can be quite disconcerting for a bloke when this is going on, you wonder where the woman that you married has gone.
You can steal the food from the lizzies by doing this.

Agree Musican. It is all about communication. It is difficult for alot of men to understand the hormonal changes that women go through.

My partner is very understanding but does appreciate me keeping him up to date with whats happening. It is about input and awareness from both parties.

 

[Tracy Anne]

It IS possible to be aware of your significant other's mood and be considerate of that without her having to bluntly tell you.

I think many people are ponerized to the extent that they can't even imagine the kind of relationship you describe. Either they will think it's a myth, or they will assure you they're already living that way, even when all the evidence is to the contrary. For someone who's emotionally dependent, it strips their world of all it's comfort. For someone who's socially suppressed or just has no social skills yet, they may have their own stunted conception of how people are supposed to interact, and they're dependent on it to function so this level of relationship to them is like calculus to a 3rd-grader.

I cannot imagine my partner plotting my hormonal changes and find the idea of it irritating! (With respect to Ark and Laura) But I am not with a scientist. I am with a Gardener. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things. Some partners may have to be told bluntly.....other partners are more perceptive. Work with what you have.

 

[monotonic]

Work with what you have.

I agree, this is part of external considering I think. I think for different types of relationships external considering takes different forms. If you aren't as connected and co-linear as in Laura's example, then communication still has to take place, even if it means saying everything in clear language. This is the narrative I have for myself to explain MusicMan's post, and having a bias to see the good in others at that moment I didn't understand how what he said could be sexist or a projection like Heimdallr said. I still have to understand that better.

 

[monotonic]

I cannot imagine my partner plotting my hormonal changes and find the idea of it irritating!

I had the same feeling, because in all my past and present relationships it would feel invasive and would kick up stuff about myself that would be unpleasant. But the latter is okay when doing the Work, and the former is no problem when you are with someone you really trust and are happy to share your life with. That's how I see it at least.

 

[Tracy Anne]

I cannot imagine my partner plotting my hormonal changes and find the idea of it irritating!

I had the same feeling, because in all my past and present relationships it would feel invasive and would kick up stuff about myself that would be unpleasant. But the latter is okay when doing the Work, and the former is no problem when you are with someone you really trust and are happy to share your life with. That's how I see it at least.

The Five Languages of Love by Gary D Chapman springs to mind. A book about how to express hearfelt commitment to your partner. Every person has their own way of feeling loved and cared for and knowing what this is for you helps make your relationship stronger.....so there are no misunderstandings.

For example I do not need my partner to buy me gifts to feel loved. Others do and there is nothing wrong with that. I like to have things done for me and alot of verbal affirmations.

The point Im trying to make is that what ever your style or his/her style....so long as it is understood by youself and your partner, and agreed upon, then that is all that is required.

If he is a bloke who likes to be told bluntly.....then so be it. It doesnt mean that he is not caring. I know my partner, who is a kind caring man falls into this category. He likes to know what is happening and I feel it is only fair to update him. MusicMan might be like this.....we cant make assumptions. I certainly did not take offense to his post.

Yes monotonic external consideration is paramount.

 

[Tracy Anne]

I know, I know, I'm a bloke and what would I know..
but I do have a wife who has been through the menopause thing, and would just like to point out that it's important for you ladies to keep your partners in the picture, so that they can handle the sudden mood swings etc.
It can be quite disconcerting for a bloke when this is going on, you wonder where the woman that you married has gone.
You can steal the food from the lizzies by doing this.

Agree MusicMan. It is all about communication. It is difficult for alot of men to understand the hormonal changes that women go through.

My partner is very understanding but does appreciate me keeping him up to date with whats happening. It is about input and awareness from both parties.

Edit=Quote

 

[Gwenllian]

I don't know. Wouldn’t the same apply here as in all other threads? Do your own research, men. :D
When hormones are raging (a completely foreign concept to men I would think) it is hard to be rational and explain what is going on, especially if women themselves don't know anything about (peri)menopause.

When I was heavily pregnant and at work I snapped once at three of my colleagues who were standing behind me watching me type something. One of them, a mother herself, apparently understood why I reacted the way I did, patted me on the back and asked me if I would like a cup of tea. Problem solved. I calmed down immediately. :)
When a colleague of mine complained to me about his heavily pregnant wife and how she was being irrational I reacted the same way as my other colleague had done. I told him to have her sit down and make her a cuppa. He just gave me this blank look, but he stopped complaining.
I do think that the diet and EE must help a great deal tame this monster of hormones...

 

[Laura]

I don't know. Wouldn’t the same apply here as in all other threads? Do your own research, men. :D
When hormones are raging (a completely foreign concept to men I would think) it is hard to be rational and explain what is going on, especially if women themselves don't know anything about (peri)menopause.

Exactly. My husband knew more about what was going on than I did because I was too emotional to deal with it. If I said or did something whacky (and believe me, I DID), he could check his database, see what was going on (there was a regular cycle even right up to the end), and knew that total indulgence was the only course to take.

Yes, I was irrational and hypervigilant, paranoid, you name it. Having someone who was always ready with the right words, actions, comfort, cuppa tea, whatever, was a godsend. I made it through with almost NO collateral damage to anyone else for which I am eternally grateful.

 

[SneezinT]

I know, I know, I'm a bloke and what would I know..
but I do have a wife who has been through the menopause thing, and would just like to point out that it's important for you ladies to keep your partners in the picture, so that they can handle the sudden mood swings etc.
It can be quite disconcerting for a bloke when this is going on, you wonder where the woman that you married has gone.
You can steal the food from the lizzies by doing this.

That seems to be quite a projection. You don't even know if the individuals currently discussing this issue are even involved in relationships. There's almost a sexist tone to what you've written. It IS possible to be aware of your significant other's mood and be considerate of that without her having to bluntly tell you. It can also be quite difficult for a woman to express her feelings, for a number of reasons, when dealing with the hormonal changes involved in peri or normal menopause. By saying "you can steal food from the lizzies by doing this", you seem to be excusing your anger/frustration with your wife's mood changes and her lack of explicit communication regarding same. I don't think that's fair or considerate.

I agree with Heimdallr's points here. I would also like to add that it is important for each person to carefully consider their own reactions to a loved one's mood swings. This isn't hormonal, but for example, my partner DOES NOT tolerate discomfort well. So when he gets irritable, I can either get defensive, get irritable right back, isolate myself, completely ignore him, or ask if something is wrong. My reactions are MY OWN, and I think an important part of generally being a decent grown-up human being is realizing that.

Hormone related: He was very considerate of me while pregnant with our child. I have every reason he will continue to be while going through perimenopause, which I think is creeping up on me. Woohoo!

 

[Ask-Seek-Knock]

I know, I know, I'm a bloke and what would I know..
but I do have a wife who has been through the menopause thing, and would just like to point out that it's important for you ladies to keep your partners in the picture, so that they can handle the sudden mood swings etc.
It can be quite disconcerting for a bloke when this is going on, you wonder where the woman that you married has gone.
You can steal the food from the lizzies by doing this.

That seems to be quite a projection. You don't even know if the individuals currently discussing this issue are even involved in relationships. There's almost a sexist tone to what you've written. It IS possible to be aware of your significant other's mood and be considerate of that without her having to bluntly tell you. It can also be quite difficult for a woman to express her feelings, for a number of reasons, when dealing with the hormonal changes involved in peri or normal menopause. By saying "you can steal food from the lizzies by doing this", you seem to be excusing your anger/frustration with your wife's mood changes and her lack of explicit communication regarding same. I don't think that's fair or considerate.

My husband made it his business to be involved in studying the matter, learning the symptoms and effects, and made sure he was there at all times to catch me when I was falling into the pit. He was endlessly patient and caring and matched his responses to my mood changes and emotional swings flawlessly. He even created an excel database for us to enter all my symptoms and experiences so they could be graphed and better understood. I never felt that I was "out of control" or "bad" or at fault in any way thanks to his constant support.

I totally agree with Laura. I chart my cycle on a calendar so that both my husband and I know when either Dr Jekyll or Mrs. Jerkface are going to appear (my words not my husbands). I am in peri-menopause at the age of 39. The women in my family experience menopause at 40 so I had an idea of what was happening as soon as it started probably around 37. I am a really laid back person and not much gets to me so I nicknamed myself Mrs. Jerkface when my hormones go berserk. I am totally a different person. But it does help to know when it's coming on so you can learn to understand how the two of you can deal with it. Also, I warn my mom and sister and anyone else close to me and ask them to be patient. My mom and older sister already know all about it so they get it. My husband can totally relate as well, he has been on hormone replacement therapy for about 8 years now. Before his therapy started he felt awful and when he described his symptoms I told him he sounded like he was going to get his period and we both laughed. He has done a lot of reading about hormones (on both men and women) since starting his therapy. So when Mrs. Jerkface shows up he is really good a talking me through the mood swings, calming me down and reminding me that it's not me its just the hormones. He remembers how he felt before his therapy and knows how hard it is to control yourself. Communicating is the key to our success so we hope our story helps others.